Why don’t you ever praise me? Transform all of your relationships by praising!

In this week’s Success Newsletter, I would like to talk about praise, why it is so critical to give and receive praise, how to give it and what to do if you never received it.

First a quick update:

****  “Profile of cat killers” – A teenager was arrested in a string of cat killings and mutilations in Miami, Florida. Some of the cats were skinned or gutted and the corpses left on the lawns or driveways of their owners. What type of person kills and mutilates cats? And why cats? Is it the result of childhood trauma (abuse, violence and torture) or a neurological dysfunction? Listen to the interview I give to Russ Morley, host of the morning show on News/Talk 850 WFTL about the profile of a cat killer. I reveal some of the common characteristics of Sociopathic and Psychopathic behavior (also known as Antisocial Disorder.) http://patrickwanis.com/RadioInterviews.asp#CatKillers

**** “Baby Boomers and Divorce: A bumpy road for many.”  I am the featured Relationship and Human Behavior Expert for the National Association of Divorce for Women and Children. Read the results of their new poll on divorce:  http://patrickwanis.com/blog/baby-boomers-divorce-study-statistics/

Now, let’s talk about praise and why it is so critical to give and receive praise, how to give it and what to do if you never received it.

The dictionary defines praise as the act of expressing approval, admiration or commendation. Every one of us desires praise at some level, and in one form or another. Praise is a member of the family of emotional needs: validation, recognition, approval, acceptance, support, encouragement, significance, self-expression, bonding, friendship, and so forth.

In my Success Newsletter, “It’s not about you”, I referred to Don Miguel Ruiz’s book: The Four Agreements. http://patrickwanis.com/blog/2008/12/03/its-not-about-you/ Ruiz teaches not to take things personally – including praise and criticism. His point is to be wary of becoming attached to other people’s opinions and judgments of you. I teach to seek balance in everything. In other words, while the goal is to seek your own approval and praise, it is also a real aspect of the human psyche that we need the praise of others – and children particularly need praise. The key here for all of us is not to live for praise and not to attach all of our self-worth and self-esteem to the praise of others.

Children and praise

Many of my adult clients suffer from various emotional symptoms as a result of not receiving praise as a child which is also equivalent to validation and guidance. Adults who didn’t receive praise as a child often suffer from self-doubt, insecurity and a lingering sense of not being or feeling good enough. Some turn into perfectionists, workaholics, or highly judgmental people. Unfortunately, today, the balance has tipped in favor of unhealthy praise by parents for their children.

Unhealthy refers to false praise which can create even more emotional problems into adulthood such as narcissism, vanity, depression and the inability to form meaningful and fulfilling relationships.

Healthy praise is the act of expressing approval, admiration, commendation, congratulations and credit for specific reasons and particularly for accomplishments.

The key to all praise is that it be deserved. Here are some other tips for praising children:

• Praise a child based on her own progress (teach her to improve her own performance rather than compete with others)
• Encourage good behavior with praise
• Reward the attainment of specific goals, not just participation
• Praise small improvements and successes
• Be descriptive and specific with your praise

Few adults, business leaders and even CEOs of major companies know how to praise properly and effectively. Most of us don’t realize that whatever it is that you praise, you will get more of. I was training a group of hotels from one of the world’s largest hotel chains. I asked participants to take turns in giving praise to fellow team members. I asked one gentleman to stand up and praise the head chef. This man stood up and proceeded to congratulate the chef for the superb Seafood Omelette, mentioning how much he enjoyed it. I asked the participants if they believed the chef would want to cook that same omelette again. The answer was a resounding yes. Now I began to praise the chef for the same omelette: I mentioned the creativity, presentation, hard work, thought, care and time the chef had given to prepare this omelette as well as the result and pleasure I received from it. I asked the chef which praise did he prefer, mine or the other man’s. He said mine. Why? I praised his specific qualities and dish rather than just the specific dish; my praise encouraged him to express more of these qualities rather than cook more of the same omelettes. Unbeknownst to me at the time, the man who gave the initial praise was a manager of one of the hotels. Later, when we spoke, he said he now understood why his wife cooks the same dish almost day after day – he kept praising just the dish and not her qualities, and, so she gave him more of what he praised!

Incidentally, in the corporate world, more emphasis is placed on criticism than praise and encouragement. For that reason many people resent their job, boss and company.

We express praise in many ways. We applaud the performance of singers, dancers and actors; we cheer for our sports teams and players; we tip waiters and other hospitality staff; we express affection – we hug friends and family. The praise most of us seek is from our loved ones and the people closest to us – parents, siblings, husband, wife, boyfriend, girlfriend, etc. Most of us believe that if the person is important to us, then what they say is also important.

I never received the praise of my father so I never believed he was interested or proud of my achievements or accomplishments. In fact, he focused on criticism rather than praise and it takes six times more praise to neutralize one criticism. Nonetheless, one of the results for me was that I never learned to enjoy, appreciate, acknowledge or recognize my accomplishments. Instead, I simply turned my attention to the next challenge. The benefit was that I created and accomplished a lot in a very small amount of time. The disadvantage was that I would hover between bouts of apathy towards praise and bouts of seeking, desiring and almost demanding praise in relationships. Worse, I did not know how to praise nor understand the significance of praise. Remember, you cannot speak or express a language that you have never learned. Accordingly, I made a concerted effort to learn to give praise. And this is the key: begin to praise others and yourself – recognize your own achievements, successes and accomplishments as well as those of others. The more good you see in others, the more good you will see in you, and the more good you see in you, the more good you will see in others. Begin today to learn the language of praise by expressing it: applaud, honor, congratulate, pay tribute to, credit, respect, commend, admire and approve others. Write it; say it; express it today! And when you do it, don’t do it expecting a response from the person receiving it – simply give it away! You might need to push yourself at first to notice praiseworthy things and to express praise, but you will see small yet powerful changes as you keep doing it.

If you would like to comment on this newsletter, go to www.patrickwanis.com/blog   if you have received this newsletter as a forward and would like to receive all of my newsletters please enter your email address on the home page at PatrickWanis.com.

I wish you the best and remind you “Believe in yourself -You deserve the best!”

Patrick Wanis Ph.D.
Celebrity Life Coach, Human Behavior & Relationship Expert & Clinical Hypnotherapist
www.patrickwanis.com

Freeing the Emotional Vampire in you

In this week’s Success Newsletter, I would like to follow up on last week’s newsletter about “Dealing with Emotional Vampires” and answer many requests to reveal strategies and insights into ways to liberate yourself and transform if you are the emotional vampire and not the ‘victim.’

First a quick update:

• “Older woman –younger man” – News Anchorwoman Katie Couric is seventeen years older than her boyfriend Brooks Perlin. Is it a sign of the times? Can a relationship between an older woman and a younger man succeed? Read my insights in the interview I gave to Globe Magazine out next week.

• Wanted: “Everlasting love with an adult stable male.” Jennifer Aniston recently announced that she is tired of her personal life reflecting her on-screen roles. Read my insights in the interview I gave to OK Magazine out this week.

Now, let’s talk about what to do if you are one of those people that drains or feeds on others mentally, emotionally or energetically – the psychic and emotional vampires.

Last week, I identified the various types of emotional vampires, their behavior, their effect on others and ways to handle them and protect and strengthen yourself. If you missed the newsletter, it is archived at www.patrickwanis.com/blog 

The newsletter hit a nerve and resonated with many people who said they are grateful for the insights adding that they are forwarding the newsletter onto others. I also received requests for help by courageous people who admitted that they are emotional vampires!

Andy wrote on my blog, asking for help: “I am an emotional vampire. I don’t want to be. How do I stop? I do this to everyone in my life and I really hate the man I have become.”

  Continue reading “Freeing the Emotional Vampire in you!” »

Dealing with emotional vampires – people that drain or suck the life right out of you.

In this week’s Success Newsletter, I would like to talk about how to identify, understand, and handle emotional vampires, the people who drain your energy and suck the life out of you.

First a quick update:

****  “Success quitting smoking & losing weight with hypnosis” - The Ancient Greeks and Romans preached the powerful link and circle between the mind and body. Read the success story of a woman aged 50 who used my hypnosis audios and stopped smoking in less than 2 weeks, lost 14 pounds and raised her self-esteem feeling in control of body and life: http://patrickwanis.com/blog/success-story-becoming-smoke-free/

Now, let’s talk about the people that drain you or feed on you mentally, emotionally or energetically – the psychic and emotional vampires.

Almost every one of us has someone in our life whom we wish we could change or whom we wish would change; desiring them to do things differently or to be different. It might be a boss, coworker, colleague, team member, friend, family member or worse, a romantic partner.

Understanding that we cannot change anyone (except ourselves) is step one to inner peace. Step two is to understand yourself and others. Step three is change yourself. Step four is clear out of your life those people that are parasites or bring you down. A client of mine was relating to me that all the women in his life expect him to support them (on many levels) but they never support him. I explained to him that there are only two types of relationships: parasitic (one person living and feeding off the other person) and symbiotic (the two people mutually supporting and benefitting each other.)

A parasite can feed off you mentally, emotionally or energetically. I refer to these people collectively as emotional vampires. And when you are around them, you may feel physically tired, drained, sleepy, weak, agitated, low, small, inadequate, low spirits, hopeless, trapped or afraid.

Identifying the emotional vampires

There are many types of emotional vampires:

1. Narcissist
2. Controller
3. Victim
4. Criticizer
5. Drama queen

Please note that I always avoid labeling people, and so, the above terms refer to a person’s behavior and approach to life. Labeling people robs them of their power and in turn, can give them a reason or justification for their behavior i.e. “I can’t help it; I am ADD.” My intention here is to help you to:

1. Identify the way people in your life can drain you, (hold you back, rob you of your power, confidence and potential)
2. Understand the emotional vampires and their behavior
3. Become empowered by offering you some basic strategies to best handle, deal with and respond to those behaviors and people.

The Narcissist

This person needs and demands constant praise and attention. He ignores your feelings and interests; believes that the world revolves around him or her, and almost always tends to turn the conversation around to discuss him or her.

You often feel invisible and pressured to compliment and praise him.

The Victim

This person is extremely needy; often has a story of how the world has wronged him; has many “accidents” and “bad luck”; wallows in self-pity and misery.

You often feel like the parent and therapist to him.

The Controller

This person dictates and dominates you; he or she is rigid, rarely fun or spontaneous, often telling you what is best for you and how you should be living your life.

You often feel weak and trapped around him.

The Criticizer

This person is highly critical, condemnatory and judgmental. He puts others down often and easily points out your flaws.

You often feel inadequate around him.

The Drama Queen

This person needs to be center of attention 24 hours a day; he or she is great at getting attention and when he doesn’t get it or his way, he creates drama and outbursts believing that the intense emotion is a healthy connection. This person can also be passive- aggressive: seeking your approval and charming while he has it, but aggressive and abusive when he doesn’t get it.

When you are around this person, you feel like you are walking on egg shells, hiding your true feelings and riding an emotional roller coaster.

Understanding the emotional vampires

All of the above behaviors stem from negative experiences and programming. In other words, the emotional vampires feel empty and are missing something and thus they turn to you to fill them up with: validation, recognition, attention, approval, love, acceptance, reassurance, personal power, etc. No matter how confident and assertive they may appear, underneath, they often suffer from self-hatred, low self-esteem, feelings of inadequacy, guilt, shame and so forth.

Handling the emotional vampires – 10 Tips

Here are ten top tips to handle emotional vampires

1. Mentally and emotionally separate yourself from their behavior: “I understand that the way others respond to me is about them”
2. Determine if it is possible to end this relationship – cut them off from your life
3. Become aware of how you feel around this person (creepy, tense, scared, weak, tired, trapped, shut-down, tight chest, etc) and if bad feelings arise, do your best to remove yourself from the setting as soon as possible (before the person can begin to drain or impact you)
4.  Always respond with “matter-of-fact” tone and approach; maintain your calm and composure by listening but not allowing their words or behavior to enter you; imagine an impenetrable golden light around you
5. Breathe deeply before speaking back
6. Remind yourself that it is their intention to get a reaction from you
7. Limit your interactions with them as much as possible – avoid socializing
8. Firmly, clearly and openly state your limits and boundaries
9. When experiencing their tantrums and outbursts, imagine you are dealing with a five-year old child
10. Express compassion and empathy but place your limits

Tips to strengthen and empower yourself

Dealing with emotional vampires – use the Getting Over It package to gain emotional freedom and be happy again!

The better you feel about yourself, the less you will attract or be affected by the emotional vampires, and the easier it will be to protect yourself and say ‘no’ to them. In other words, build your self-esteem, clear out your stuff (doubts, insecurities, negative emotions, etc.) Avoid socially isolating yourself because you can easily become hypnotized, controlled or dominated by the emotional vampire. Use the emotional vampires as a mirror to understand how they reflect you and why they push your buttons. For example, I once had a close friend who would often freak out over the smallest things, turning them into major dramas and disasters. When I took the time to determine why I would respond with anger, I realized that I would often do the same thing – turn small things into major disasters. I resented in her what I resented in myself.

As I changed my behavior and perception of life, her responses had little effect on me and I was able to master the way to handle her, calming her down while not getting emotional myself.

If you want more help getting over an emotional vampire and if you want more emotional freedom now use my “Getting Over It” package/program. http://patrickwanis.com/getoverit_package.asp

You can add your comment on this newsletter directly below.

If you have received this newsletter as a forward and would like to receive all of my newsletters please enter your email address on the home page at PatrickWanis.com.

I wish you the best and remind you “Believe in yourself -You deserve the best!”

Patrick Wanis Ph.D.
Celebrity Life Coach, Human Behavior & Relationship Expert & Clinical Hypnotherapist
www.patrickwanis.com

When she just doesn’t get it

In this week’s Success Newsletter, I would like to discuss a controversial topic: when she just doesn’t get it.

First a quick update:

*** “Xtreme: on the verge”- Look for upcoming episodes of the TV series on Mun2 that follows Latin band Xtreme (Danny D and Steve Styles) as I coach them on camera helping them on their path to greater success. Famous Bachata band Xtreme are on the verge of their biggest breakthrough, but they face a huge challenge – they are always late. Celebrity Life Coach Patrick Wanis PhD is brought in to help Xtreme from destroying their career and success. On camera, on their reality TV show, Patrick Wanis PhD reveals the truth about Danny D and Steve Styles. The guys get schooled by this take-no-prisoners life coach. Can they handle the truth? From Season 1 Ep. 7 “Truth Hurts.” Watch the video below

Now, let’s talk about something that will generate a lot of controversy: When she doesn’t get it – defining the woman of the 21^st century and her impact on men.

First, let me open by saying that nothing I am writing here is intended nor should it be construed to be sexist, derogatory or demeaning to women or to men. Second, you can add your comments and opinions about this newsletter by going to www.patrickwanis.com/blog.

From 1998 to 2004, the smash hit TV series “Sex and the City” introduced a new role and persona for the woman of the 90s and into the 21st century. Focusing on the lives of four professional women living in NY city, the show explored the changing roles and expectations of women (albeit white middle-class women in their thirties and one in her forties.) The show defined the new woman: The independent, upwardly mobile woman who searches for love, has sexual fun along the way (with multiple partners, and sometimes without any commitment whatsoever), gossiping and confiding with her female friends and viewing shopping and materialism as the key goals, pleasures and triumphs of the new woman.

In 2005, CBS news interviewed me to discuss the new woman, “The Millennium Woman” and her impact on men. A study of 1,000 women across the US, revealed that there are two key types of women: the Nouveau woman -the “Sex and the City” type, who creates equal partnerships with men and demands “me” time and the Neotraditionalist that prefers traditional gender roles, motherhood and “we” time. The Neotraditionalist is primarily about family and friends.

Continue reading “When she just doesn’t get it” »