Archive for November, 2011

Admit you are wrong & infallible

Wednesday, November 30th, 2011
admit you are wrong & infallible

Can you admit you are wrong & infallible?

In this week’s Success Newsletter, I would like to reveal the power of admitting you are wrong and the dangers of claiming infallibility.

 

First a quick update:

 

****  Dating success or failure; body language secrets? – How can you tell if your date is going well? Read the article where I reveal the  seven signs that your date is really into you and the seven signs when your date is not into you: http://www.datingwebsites.org/2011/11/datingwebsites-org-body-language-expert-panel/

 

****  How to survive The Holidays & Holiday stress – Are you looking for tips and strategies about how avoid
Holiday stress and arguments, read my two articles -
“Easing Holiday Stress” and “Avoiding Holiday Arguments”:
http://patrickwanis.com/blog/easing-holiday-stress/
http://patrickwanis.com/blog/avoiding-holiday-arguments-fights/

 

Now, let’s talk about the damage of trying to be infallible causes and why admitting when you are wrong improves relationships.

Whom do you think of when you read this quote and description?

 

“The world has come to know [him] for his insatiable greed for power, his ruthlessness, cruelty and utter lack-of feeling, his contempt for established institutions and his lack of moral restraints.”

 

And whom do you think of when you read this quote and description?

 

 

“His primary rules…: never allow the public to cool off; never admit a fault or wrong; never concede that there may be some good in your enemy; never leave room for alternatives; never accept blame; concentrate on one enemy at a time and blame him for everything that goes wrong; people will believe a big lie sooner than a little one; and if you repeat it frequently enough people will sooner or later believe it.”

 

And what about this description?

 

“Those who surround him are the first to admit that he now thinks himself infallible and invincible. That explains why he can no longer bear either criticism or contradiction. To contradict him is in his eyes a crime of ‘lese-majeste’; opposition to his plans, from whatever it may come, is a definite sacrilege, to which the only reply is an immediate and striking display of his omnipotence.”

 

Which people in your life did you think of when reading those quotes?

 

A politician or political candidate?

 

A boss?

 

A former abusive partner?

 

 

All three above quotes are the description of the psychological profile of the same person.

Continue reading “Admit you are wrong & infallible” »

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Why even be thankful?

Wednesday, November 23rd, 2011
Why even be thankful

Why even be thankful?

In this week’s Success Newsletter, I would like to discuss why you should be grateful and the surprising benefits of gratitude – including insomnia and poor sleep.

 

First a quick update:

 

****  “Never Satisfied: Why Powerful Men Cheat” – Mel Gibson, Prince Charles, Tiger Woods, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Jesse James, Marc Anthony, Brent Favre, Rolling stones Ron wood, Evangelist Ted Haggard, US  President Bill Clinton, Governor Elliot Spitzer, Governor Mark Sanford, Senator John Edwards, Brad Pitt, and the list goes on. Watch the TV special where I and a panel of experts reveal the real reasons powerful men cheat. The show airs on the Biography Channel at 10pm EST on Thursday, Dec. 8th.

 

Now, let’s talk about why you should be grateful and the surprising benefits of gratitude – including insomnia and poor sleep.

The USA and Canada celebrate Thanksgiving Day. It stems from the tradition of giving thanks for a good harvest and rejoicing together after much hard work with the rest of the community. The first Europeans in the Americas also celebrated their safe voyage, peace and good harvest.

 

Today, many people can easily argue that they have fewer reasons to give thanks – world turmoil, uprisings, wars, terrorism, unemployment, foreclosures, ailing economy, increasing poverty, divided communities and nations, civil unrest, broken families, and so forth.

 

On the other hand, we see rampant narcissism and entitlement – Kim Kardashian’s wedding to Kris Humphries cost ten million dollars but she divorced him after 72 days. All the money, fame, power, influence and glamour still left her unhappy and wanting.

 

But that is the very cause of unhappiness, confusion and depression – entitlement, greed and the belief that nothing is ever enough.

 

Yes, there are serious problems around the world today but we are brainwashed on a daily basis with the message that there is something wrong with us, something missing in our lives and we are not good enough – we need to buy this product and amass more stuff; we need to be like Kim Kardashian or some other celebrity or idol.

 

Thus the cycle begins and we strive to do more, be more and have more – the feelings of entitlement, greed and jealousy enter and we never appreciate anything we have no matter how large or how small because we are always focused on what’s missing, what’s lacking.

 

“If a fellow isn’t thankful for what he’s got, he isn’t likely to be thankful for what he’s going to get” – Frank A. Clark.

 

But why even be thankful?

Continue reading “Why even be thankful?” »

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Penn State – false Gods, anger & morality

Wednesday, November 16th, 2011
Penn State false Gods anger and morality

Penn State – false Gods, anger & morality

In this week’s Success Newsletter, I would like to discuss the three lessons from the scandal of sexual abuse that has rocked Penn State University.

 

First a quick update:

 

***   How to survive The Holidays & Holiday stress – if you want to enjoy the Holidays and have fun and avoid Holiday stress and arguments, read my two articles – “Easing Holiday Stress” and “Avoiding Holiday Arguments”:
http://patrickwanis.com/blog/2007/11/27/easing-holiday-stress/
http://patrickwanis.com/blog/2007/12/04/avoiding-holiday-arguments-fights/

 

****   Battle of the sexes: Why Herman Cain will ultimately lose – Is Herman Cain, guilty of the allegations and accusations that he groped and sexually harassed women? The answer may now be irrelevant because he has unknowingly made a major strategic error. Read my insights: http://patrickwanis.com/blog/battle-of-the-sexes-why-herman-cain-will-ultimately-lose/

 

****   Guru to be sentenced – Self-help Guru and teacher from The Secret, James Arthur Ray will be sentenced this week for the 3 deaths in his sweat lodge. Listen to the revealing interview about Gurus, cults and brainwashing http://patrickwanis.com/RadioInterviews.asp#guruscultbrainwashing
and
watch the  TV interview I gave : http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wvMyoFLdQQ0

 

Now, let’s talk about the three lessons we can learn from the scandal of sexual abuse that has rocked Pennsylvania State University.

For people outside the US: Penn State University, former assistant football coach Jerry Sandusky has been charged with 40 counts of sexually abusing children – assaulting eight boys over 15 years (1994 – 2009) and school administrators have been criticized for knowing about the allegations but doing nothing. Sandusky has pleaded not guilty and Penn State legendary football coach Joe Paterno (the winningest coach in Division I college football) and University President Graham B. Spanier have been fired.

 

Meanwhile, the CEO of the charity organization “The Second Mile” Jack Raykovitz has resigned in response to reports that Sandusky had abused boys he met through the charity. Jerry Sandusky formed “The Second Mile” in 1997 as a group foster home for troubled boys.

 

The scandal will widen further as more victims come out and as more information is revealed about people across the board (within Penn State, law enforcement and possibly even the charity Second Mile) who either took no action or tried to protect or cover-up Sandusky and the alleged sexual abuse. And therein lays the similarities between the Penn State scandal and the pedophilia that was exposed within the Catholic Church when it was revealed that for years bishops throughout the US had simply transferred guilty priests from one church to another and never alerted parents or police.

 

There are three key lessons to be gleaned from the Penn State sexual abuse scandal as well as the sexual abuse that occurred within the Catholic Church.

 

1. Stop creating false Gods

Whom do we idolize and why? It is easy to lose our individual identity and believe that all of our significance, value and self-worth come from the institution or tribe to which we belong – a church, a college, a corporation, a group, organization or a sport. It is easy for us to idolize, create a hero or worship a person whom we believe has achieved great things. But when we idolize a person rather than admire his/her achievements, we lose our power, we create a myth and we end in denial of truth and reality. Even the students of Penn State who rioted en masse could not accept that possibly their hero Joe Paterno, the man with most wins in college football history could have failed to have done more to protect those children who were raped and sodomized – whose lives were ruined and stolen.

 

We need to beware of the myth and false significance to which we give any group. No institution, no tribe, no individual and no myth that we attach to any of them, is more significant than the need and duty to protect helpless children. False Gods lead to cults. Some critics claim the atmosphere at Penn was cult-like. (Read “The Cult of Penn State” http://www.latimes.com/news/opinion/commentary/la-oe-1113-hubler-pennstate-20111113,0,4148222.story )

 

2. Use courage and anger to protect victims

In 2000, James Calhoun, a janitor at Penn State witnessed Jerry Sandusky in the showers with a young boy, pinned up against the wall, performing oral sex on the boy. Calhoun told other janitorial staff but never made a report.

 

But why didn’t James Calhoun act in the moment to stop the sexual abuse and protect the child?

 

Why didn’t he call police that same day?

Continue reading “Penn State – false Gods, anger & morality” »

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Battle of the sexes: Why Herman Cain will ultimately lose

Wednesday, November 9th, 2011

Battle Of The Sexes: Why Herman Cain Will Ultimately Lose

 

Battle of the sexes Why Herman Cain will ultimately lose

Battle of the sexes: Why Herman Cain will ultimately lose

Is Herman Cain, the GOP presidential contender guilty of the allegations and accusations that he groped and sexually harassed women in the 1990s?

 

The answer to that question may now be irrelevant because Herman Cain has unknowingly made a major strategic error that could cost him the Republican presidential candidacy as polls now show his support dropping. (See notes below: 1.2.3.4.)

 

The Prussian military theorist Carl von Clausewitz once said that “the best defense is a good offense.” And that same strategy has been applied in sports and was often voiced and popularized by football coach Vince Lombardi. But neither Lombardi nor Clausewitz was ever in a position like Cain where he is defending himself against women.

 

Herman Cain has defended himself against the allegations of sexual harassment by publicly attacking the accusatory women and mocking women: he said that presidential rival Michele Bachmann would be “tutti-frutti” ice cream, called House Democratic leader “Princess Nancy” Pelosi, and shrugged off a joke about Anita Hill. The result is that he has now turned this event into a battle of the sexes – a battle that he won’t easily win.

 

By attacking the accuser and other women, Herman Cain has laid down the gauntlet and now women’s organizations are coming to the defense of women, particularly those who claim to be victims of harassment or discrimination by men.

 

The conservative Christian group best known for its stance against abortion, Concerned Women for America was the first national organization to publicly support one of Cain’s accusers, Sharon Bialek, saying that Miss Bialek “appeared credible.” And the National Organization for Women says it is disturbed by the broader attack on women who come forward with workplace sexual harassment allegations.

 

And therein lies the major error by Cain – he went on the offense and verbally attacked the women; he called Bialek a liar and questioned her motives in coming forward. In doing so, he has provoked the ire of women, particularly those women who have been genuine victims of sexual harassment or abuse.

 

Unfortunately, Cain was lacking good strategists to advise him against attacking the accuser or women. When coaching clients who appear in court, I have always advised them to beware of the intention of the prosecutor – to push you to anger, to make you explode, become emotional and ultimately get you to express negative emotions and words that will turn the jury against you – even if you are innocent. I teach my clients to state their case and when prodded by the prosecuting attorney “Are you saying the witness is lying?” to calmly respond with “I can’t speak for her; maybe she is mistaken. I can only tell you what I know and what happened.”

 

The Chinese philosopher/general, Sun Tzu wrote a book “The Art of War” two and a half thousand years ago and today that book is used as a resource for mediation and conflict resolution. One of Tzu’s primary teachings is “Never underestimate your opponent.” But Cain has underestimated his opponent; and that opponent is not one woman (Sharon Bialek) who has filed bankruptcy or another woman (Karen Kraushaar) who has filed a complaint twice about her bosses. Instead, Cain’s opponent has turned into all women who feel betrayed, put down or discriminated against by men.

 

Yes, Cain underestimated his opponent; women today are extremely powerful and influential:

 

There are more women in the US workforce than men; more women are attending and graduating college than men in the US; churches are opening up to allow women to lead, preach and teach as ministers, pastors and reverends; Women are becoming a greater force in politics and; women account for 85% of all consumer purchases.

 

Accordingly, if Herman Cain continues to become angry, arrogant or accusatory towards women, then even if he is completely innocent, he will lose the battle of the sexes as women may simply conclude he is guilty, arrogant or evil. And after all, truth is often trumped by perception which then becomes recognized as the truth.

****

1. November 11, 2011:  “In a new CBS News Poll, 61 percent of Republican primary voters say the sexual harassment accusations against Cain won’t make any difference in their vote, but 30 percent say the charges make them less likely to back him, and that rises to 38 percent among women…Cain has lost support among women since late October. Then, he led among women, garnering 28 percent of their support. Now, his support among women is just 15 percent.”
http://www.cbsnews.com/8301-503544_162-57322894-503544/poll-cain-tops-3-way-race-with-romney-gingrich/

 

2. November 11, 2011: “Former Massachusetts Gov. Mitt Romney tops a new survey released Friday with former House Speaker Newt Gingrich besting businessman Herman Cain for the second spot, though Cain is close behind. But only three in 10 Republicans and Republican-leaning independents say they strongly support their candidate and the percentage of those who say they’re undecided on their vote is that same as those who would vote for Cain…those surveyed in the McClatchy-Marist Poll”
http://politicalticker.blogs.cnn.com/2011/11/11/poll-romney-takes-top-spot-in-2012-race/

 

3.Republican women are starting to turn away from scandal-plagued presidential candidate Herman Cain, an exclusive Newsmax/InsiderAdvantage poll shows.
“The pizza mogul is still ahead in the crucial state of Iowa, but his lead over one-time front-runner Mitt Romney is dwindling, the survey shows.
“But while 31 percent of Iowan men say they would still vote for Cain, only 16 percent of women say the same.”
Cain ‘Barely Holding On’ in Iowa, Newsmax Poll Shows

http://www.newsmax.com/Headline/Cain-poll-women-harassment/2011/11/11/id/417705

 

4. “According to a CNN/ORC International Poll released Monday, [Nov. 14, 2011] … The poll also indicates that 14 percent back Cain, down 11 points from last month. Four women have alleged that Cain sexually harassed them during the late 1990s when he headed the National Restaurant Association. Cain denies the allegations.

“Cain is struggling with the charges of sexual harassment, and while most Republicans tend to dismiss those charges, roughly four in 10 Republicans think this is a serious matter and tend to believe the women who made those charges,” CNN Polling Director Keating Holland said.
http://politicalticker.blogs.cnn.com/2011/11/14/cnn-poll-gingrich-soars-cain-drops/?hpt=hp_t1

 

5. “According to a CNN/ORC International Poll released Monday, [Nov. 14, 2011]…The survey indicates that only a bare majority of Republicans tend to believe Cain, and more than a third say he should end his presidential campaign. Among the general public, Cain has a bigger credibility problem — 50% of all Americans say they tend to believe the women and only a third say they believe Cain.

“Not surprisingly, there is a big gender gap on this matter — women say this is a serious matter and believe the women, but men say the story has been overblown and are split on which side they believe,” Holland added.
http://www.cnn.com/2011/11/14/politics/cain-allegations/index.html?hpt=hp_t2

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What are you hiding?

Wednesday, November 9th, 2011
What are you hiding

What are you hiding?

In this week’s Success Newsletter, I would like to explore the two types of fears and the link to the question “What are you hiding?”

 

First a quick update:

 

****  Chaz Bono – threatened to sue the National Enquirer over an article that claims that his weight, stress, and the medications and issues associated with his gender reassignment, could increase the likelihood of an early death. The article cited me as a Human Behavior Expert but also left out critical quotes and analyses of mine and I therefore recorded an urgent video message to Chaz. Watch it here: http://youtu.be/3zu64DvHhWU But in a new photo, it also seems that Chaz is defiant in spite of the warnings to his health. Read more on my blog:
http://patrickwanis.com/blog/chaz-bono-weight-stress-transgender-suicide-and-health-risks/

 

Now, let’s talk about the two primary fears and what you might be hiding.

“You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, I have lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.’ You must do the thing you think you cannot do.”

- Anna Eleanor Roosevelt, social activist, first lady and the wife of US President Franklin Delano Roosevelt

 

Fear can be separated into two categories:

 

1. Physiological/Neurological

2. Cognitive/Emotional.

 

Physiological Fear

Physiological Fear refers to fear of organic origin, hardwired in the brain – such as Fight or Flight Syndrome (when we feel our physical safety or survival is threatened and we unconsciously automatically respond with the reflex to defend or to run.) Physiological Fear originates in our reptilian brain or brain stem (the most primitive part of the human brain.) The reptilian brain is responsible for functions connected to our survival:

 

  • Breathing
  • Digestion
  • Circulation
  • Elimination
  • Temperature
  • Fight or Flight
  • Movement, posture and balance

 

 

Cognitive/emotional fear

While infants are born with only two primary fears (falling and loud noises – both of which impact or seem to threaten survival) recent studies reveal that people aren’t born afraid of spiders and snakes: fear is quickly learned during infancy. (Current Directions in Psychological Science – Vanessa LoBue of Rutgers University, David H. Rakison of Carnegie Mellon University and Judy S. DeLoache of the University of Virginia.)

 

This is an example of a learned fear based on past experience, perception, judgment and negative anticipation. Another example of cognitive/emotional fear – learned fears – is the fear your feel when taking an exam, doing your tax returns or asking someone out on a date. Learned fears including phobias and anxieties occur once we learn to attach and associate pain with a particular event i.e. a young boy rejected by a girl may quickly associate emotional pain (humiliation, shame, rejection) with girls and thus he learns to fear dating and relationships. A girl molested as a child may learn to fear intimacy later in life.

 

Physiological and Cognitive/Emotional Fears both ultimately involve the avoidance of pain – physical or emotional. And the latest studies reveal that our brains process emotional pain in a way that seems to mimic the way our brains process physical pain. In other words, it is difficult for us to clearly distinguish the difference between physical and emotional pain. However, it is also apparent that humans seem to be able to override physical fears with greater ease than overcoming emotional fears.

Continue reading “What are you hiding?” »

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Chaz Bono, weight, stress, transgender, suicide and health risks

Monday, November 7th, 2011

 

Chaz Bono, weight, stress, transgender, suicide and health risks“Do you see any oversized animals anywhere in the world living a long life? We’re pretty much on our own here. ”

— Tony Siragusa (340-pound NFL defensive tackle for 12 seasons with the Indianapolis Colts and Baltimore Ravens.)

 

 

Chaz Bono threatened to sue the National Enquirer over an article that claims that his weight, stress, and the medications and issues associated with his gender reassignment, could increase the likelihood of an early death.  http://www.eonline.com/news/chaz_bono_threatens_legal_action_over/273415#ixzz1cqlW6Oqt

 

Patrick Wanis PhD was cited in the article as a Human Behavior Expert (and contrary to claims by Bono’s attorney, Wanis was not cited or credited as a transgender specialist or medical doctor in the Enquirer article and no such inferences should be made.) Wanis was quoted as listing and revealing some of the obvious and not so obvious risks to Chaz Bono’s health.

 

Following Chaz Bono’s angry response to the article, Patrick Wanis PhD responded with a personal video message to Chaz.

In the video posted on YouTube http://youtu.be/3zu64DvHhWU Wanis heeds Bono to ignore the sensationalism of the Enquirer headlines such as “liver damage agony” but still take action about his health and to surround himself only with people that really care, and beware of Hollywood’s parasites. Watch that video message to Chaz Bono here: http://youtu.be/3zu64DvHhWU

 

 

Weight and obesity
“As a transsexual woman myself, the Enquirer is right to a point. Chaz’s weight should be a serious concern regardless of whether you are trans or not. I can’t speak for trans men but I know through my experiences on female hormone therapy, there is definitely a health risk where it comes to liver damage and blood clots. This is why I am checked out by a physician every few months as a part of my hormone replacement therapy. Chaz really needs to lose weight. This is not a transsexual/transgender issue, this is a health issue.”  – Michiko

 

 

“The amazing athletes of the National Football League — bigger and stronger than ever before — are dying young at a rate experts find alarming, and many of the players are succumbing to ailments typically related to weight…The heaviest athletes are more than twice as likely to die before their 50th birthday than their teammates, according to a Scripps Howard News Service study of 3,850 professional-football players who have died in the last century.” http://sports.espn.go.com/nfl/news/story?id=2313476

 

Twenty-eight percent of all pro-football players born in the last century who qualified as obese died before their 50th birthday, compared with 13 percent who were less overweight.

 

The dangers of being overweight and obese would seem to be obvious but the same way that an addict can be in denial, overweight people still need to beware of falling into a state of denial and thus they need to become self-aware. “If sports players need to be aware of the threat to their life, then so, too, does the average person need to be aware of the imminent threats to life because of excess weight or obesity” says Wanis.

 

The same ESPN article (cited above) warned of the dangers of imminent death for anyone close to 300 pounds:

Continue reading “Chaz Bono, weight, stress, transgender, suicide and health risks” »

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The second greatest obstacle to happiness and success

Wednesday, November 2nd, 2011
the second greatest obstacle to your happiness and success

The second greatest obstacle to your happiness and success.
What is the first and third obstacle?

In this week’s Success Newsletter, I would like to discuss the second greatest obstacle to our happiness and success in life.

 

First a quick update:

 

***  Spring Cleaning for the Soul – Unknowingly, we always take the past with us into future relationships. Does your emotional baggage have you stuck in a rut? Read my insights and clear out room for romance with these life-changing tips:  http://lifestyle.msn.com/relationships/article.aspx?cp-documentid=17858327

 

****  Liars, cheaters and adulterers – the politicians – With the uprisings around the world against corrupt politicians and regimes and given the recent allegations of past sexual harassment against US Herman Cain, this partial list of cheating politicians of all political ideologies will shock readers: http://patrickwanis.com/blog/lies-cheaters-and-adulterers-the-politicians/

 

Now, let’s talk about the second greatest obstacle to our happiness and success in life.

Okay, you are probably wondering “What is the number one greatest obstacle to our happiness and success in life?”

 

From working with clients over many years, I have found that the greatest cause of pain, hardship and suffering is the perceived inability and choice not to forgive – lack of forgiveness and compassion for oneself and others. Notice I use the words “perceived inability and choice”; most of us think that we cannot forgive when in reality, it is still a choice, albeit a very difficult one – particularly when we are referring to that one person about whom we adamantly state “I could never forgive him/her!” Sometimes, that him/her is us – ourselves – and we continue to not only carry guilt but to subconsciously punish ourselves – depriving ourselves of love, joy and all the good that life has to offer. Remember, too, that anytime you feel guilty you will find ways to punish or sabotage yourself. After all, what do we do with someone that is found guilty? We punish them!

 

The third greatest obstacle to our happiness and success in life is our inability or refusal to accept the things we cannot change – people and things beyond our control. And our struggle to control the things we cannot control only causes anxiety and further stress.

 

That now brings us back to the second greatest obstacle to our happiness and success.

 

At Milestones Ranch Malibu Treatment Center I was teaching a class about the ways to identify emotional vampires – how to deal with them and how to rid those toxic people from your life.  (Also read my articles “Dealing with toxic friends”: http://patrickwanis.com/blog/dealing-with-toxic-friends/ and “Dealing with emotional vampires”: http://patrickwanis.com/blog/dealing-with-emotional-vampires/ )

 

It is easy to become sucked into thinking that somehow we are responsible for these emotional vampires or toxic people.

 

But this mantra serves as powerful protection:

 

“I understand that the way others respond to me is about them.”

Continue reading “The second greatest obstacle to happiness and success” »

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