In this week’s Success Newsletter, I would like to talk about gender role reversal and whether or not women should propose to men.

First a quick update:

****  Is he really into you? Is your relationship going to last? – A picture is worth a thousand words. Do you want to know what your boyfriend’s body language says about your relationship? Here’s your chance to get the truth. For a limited time, get the star-studded treatment and the truth about what your and your partner’s body language reveals. Click here: http://patrickwanis.com/body-language-analysis-from-video-photo.asp

Now, let’s talk about the reversal of gender roles and whether or not women should propose to men.

“Girls are outperforming boys at every level of education. Women are overtaking men in the workplace in both status and pay. More men are becoming househusbands. Girls are becoming more assertive and aggressive whilst boys are becoming more feminine. Females are poised to become the dominant gender in trousers, whilst males will find themselves as homemakers and obliged to wear skirts, high heels and make up. This is the future.”

http://genderrolereversal.blogspot.com/

The above description is somewhat extreme when the author states that men will be “wearing skirts, high heels and make-up”, although, more and more men are wearing very baggy pants and baggy shorts that simulate dresses while women are wearing tighter jeans. However, the author is correct when stating that women are becoming a dominant force (and men are also being ridiculed particularly in the media.) Read my articles “Women are taking over” http://patrickwanis.com/blog/women-are-taking-over/ and “How stupid are men” http://patrickwanis.com/blog/how-stupid-are-men/

However, in this article, I would like to focus on one point: “Girls are becoming more assertive and aggressive” and explore how that pertains to love and marriage proposal.

Traditionally, it is men who chase women and propose marriage, and often, the reverse is frowned upon, with two exceptions. The first relates to Irish tradition believed to have started in the 5th century, when St. Bridget complained to St. Patrick that women had to wait so long for a man to propose. St. Patrick obliged by saying that the longing females could propose on February 29th – the leap year.

The second move towards gender role reversal relates to a 1937 comic strip and character created by Al Capp. Sadie Hawkins is a 35-year old spinster who is so desperate to find a suitor that her father holds a foot race with Sadie in hot pursuit of the town’s eligible bachelors — and matrimony as the consequence. Subsequently, Sadie became a cultural phenomenon with women and girls taking the bold initiative on “Sadie Hawkins Day” by inviting the man or boy of their choice out on a date, almost unheard of before 1937. A Life magazine headline in 1939 read “On Sadie Hawkins Day, Girls Chase Boys in 201 Colleges” and printed photos from Texas Wesleyan.

The 2010 romantic comedy movie “Leap Year” further popularized the notion of women chasing men and proposing to men on leap year. Anna (played by Amy Adams) is aggressive and assertive – a control freak who doesn’t like surprises. Anna thought her boyfriend Jeremy (played by Adam Scott) was going to propose to her but he didn’t and so she heads to Ireland in order to force him to accept her wedding proposal by making it on February 29, leap day, when he can’t refuse due to the country’s tradition. Of course, along the way, she meets Declan (played by Matthew Goode) who laughs at her saying “That’s the stupidest thing I have ever heard.”

‘No. it isn’t. It’s a tradition. It’s a romantic tradition’ responds Anna.

“It’s a day for desperate women trying to trap themselves a man who clearly doesn’t want to get married. You gotta know if your man wants to propose, he would have done it already. Fact.”

Thus the question arises, as women become more powerful, and as many stereotypical roles are being dissolved or reversed, should women propose to men? Should women be the aggressors? Is it wrong for women to chase a man and thus reverse traditional gender roles?

Stereotypical roles can easily result in claims of superiority by one gender over another or can result in victimization. But for the purposes of the question as it relates to romance, men need to chase; men are hunters.

If a woman chases a man or makes the first move, the male fragile ego will easily be stroked and flattered and most likely, the man will concede but, usually the concession is simply one of instant gratification that requires little or no commitment on the part of the man. In other words, for simple, pleasurable benefits, the man will say ‘yes’ to a proposal or move by a woman but not if it involves a relationship or long-term commitment or vow such as marriage – unless it is something he really wants.

Because men are innately hunters, they value the chase and the conquest. Men need to feel that they have worked hard to achieve and attain something of value. Remember, too, that many of the major differences in gender relate to hormonal makeup – testosterone in men encourages and promotes action, assertiveness, aggressiveness and competition.

Further, when a man wants something he will chase it; he will find a way to make it happen. Thus, if he is not asking or pursuing you, then that signifies that he either doesn’t want to get married or simply isn’t ready. If a man is forced into a corner, to make a decision, he will still do only what he truly wants. Anyone forced against their will still holds the same opinion and desire i.e. we can’t make someone love us or want us. Yes, if a woman proposes to a man she will learn quickly whether or not he truly wants to be with her but more so, she will learn whether or not he wants to spend the rest of his life with her. Accordingly, a proposal by a woman becomes an ultimatum to the man. Read my article “Ultimatums & reverse ultimatums in relationships”: http://patrickwanis.com/blog/ultimatums-reverse-ultimatums-in-relationships/

Remember, that when you propose the question, be prepared for the answer because it could mean a change in your life that you were not expecting.

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I wish you the best and remind you “Believe in yourself -You deserve the best!”

Patrick Wanis Ph.D.

Celebrity Life Coach, Human Behavior & Relationship Expert & SRTT Therapist
www.patrickwanis.com

In this week’s Success Newsletter, I would like to reveal the six steps to finding closure.

First a quick update:

****  HLN TV – Jason Young murder retrial – Watch the TV interview and analysis I gave to HLN about the character of Jason Young following the testimony of mistresses and ex-fiancé in the retrial of Jason Young accused of murdering his pregnant wife Michelle. Two women say they had sex with Jason Young in the weeks before his wife’s death; Young’s ex-fiancé also says he physically attacked her. http://youtu.be/EYuIeuisrA0

****  Whitney Houston & the new drug culture – Listen to the controversial and forthright interview I gave to Jay Thomas SiriusXM radio about the new drug culture – ‘anytime something goes wrong take a pill’ – a strategy, paradigm and practice that perpetuates, enables and promotes drug addiction. http://patrickwanis.com/RadioInterviews.asp#newdrugculture  Also, read the transcript of the interview I gave to Radio New Zealand National’s Jim Mora about Whitney Houston, celebrities, addiction and the “Impostor Syndrome”: http://patrickwanis.com/blog/whitney-houston-addiction-enablers-parasites-the-imposter-syndrome/

Now, let’s talk about the six steps to finding closure.

One of the great dilemmas we face in life is change. There is a part of us that longs for change and another part that fears the change and instead longs for consistency. This is the battle or conflict between two primary human emotional needs – 1 Security and; 2 Challenge.

(Read my article: “Getting your six needs” http://patrickwanis.com/blog/getting-your-six-needs/ )

And yet, nothing ever remains exactly the same; things, situations, circumstances, jobs and people constantly change. Simply put, things come to an end; a door closes and we have the opportunity to open a new door and step through it, and into a new world or new experience.

But some of us refuse to close the old door or we put one foot through the new door but refuse to step all the way in and enjoy the new world.

We cannot enjoy a new experience while we hold onto the past and while we refuse or struggle to find closure on the past.

Closure refers to finding or achieving a comforting or satisfying finality or ending. Simply put, closure is about accepting what has happened and moving forward with a new enthusiasm for new possibilities i.e. finding joy and hope in the present versus longing for the past; enjoying with all of our senses what is happening right now versus being controlled by negative and destructive emotions and thoughts about the past.

Here are a few steps to getting closure.

1. Honesty – personal inventory

List all of your emotions – anger, guilt, revenge, regret, fear, disappointment, and so forth. Write “I feel…” List all of the benefits of the old job, relationship or situation. Note that it is most likely true that a large part of your identity and self-esteem were connected to that job or relationship.

2. What do you want?

What and whom are you holding onto? What are you afraid would happen if you were to let go? How does it benefit you (or protect you) by holding onto that person, situation or belief? In other words, what are you still trying to control? List what you now want. Most likely there is a part of you that wants to be heard, to be expressed. What do you want to say? What are you seeking – an explanation? Write it all down and hold nothing back.

Continue reading “Six steps to finding closure” »

In this week’s Success Newsletter, I would like to discuss friendship – what it is and what it means to be a real friend.

First a quick update:

****  Whitney Houston – addiction, parasites & enablers – Listen to the interview I gave to Radio New Zealand National’s Jim Mora about Whitney Houston, celebrities and addiction; the “Impostor Syndrome”, the prevalence of drugs in the music industry and; the parasites (the entourage) that surround celebrities and enable, supply & perpetuate the celebrity’s addiction. http://patrickwanis.com/RadioInterviews.asp#whitneyhouston

****  Celebrity hypocrisy and self-promotion - To all of the celebrities who mourn Whitney’s death, calling her ‘friend’ and ‘sister’ – why didn’t you all try to save your friend & sister? Read my article: http://patrickwanis.com/blog/whitney-houstons-death-where-were-her-celebrity-friends-sisters/  And another article: http://www.stylewise.tv/whitney-houston-was-warned/

Now, let’s talk about friendship; what is it and are you a true friend?

Upon hearing of Whitney Houston’s death, hundreds of celebrities took to Twitter to express their feelings. Some said they were devastated by the loss, others saddened and yet others proclaimed their eternal, undying love for Whitney:

• Star Jones Tweeted that Whitney was a “sister-friend”
• Shaquille O’Neal called her “auntie”
• Cee-Lo Green called her ‘sister’
• “Fortunate am I to have worked with u, and have u touch my life” Tweeted Randy Jackson from American Idol
• Mariah Carey said “Heartbroken and in tears over the shocking death of my friend” and;
• Katy Perry and so many others Tweeted “We will always love you.”

So where were all of these ‘friends’, all of these people who claimed to have known her so well? Where were they when Whitney was in an abusive marriage with Bobby Brown or when she was engaging in self-destructive and self-sabotaging behavior?

Of course, there were numerous people in Whitney’s life who tried to save her but couldn’t get through to her. And working with addicts, I can affirm that a person cannot change or conquer the addiction unless he or she really wants it. And he/she can never do it on his/her own.

Nonetheless, it raises the topic of friendship.

Many people make claim to being ‘friends’ with famous people as a way to promote themselves and perpetuate the myth of their own significance.

So, what is a friend and what is friendship?

Aristotle, the Greek philosopher referenced three kinds of friendship:

1. Pleasure – the joy we receive from the relationship
2. Utility – the benefits and usefulness we get from the friendship
3. Virtue – the shared values and character of our friend

Aristotle also defined a friend as someone who:

1. Wishes and does good things to a friend, for the friend’s sake
2. Wishes the friend to exist and live, for his own sake
3. Spends time with his friend
4. Makes the same choices as his friend
5. Finds the same things pleasant and painful as his friend (common identity)

Simply put, a friend is someone who cares about you, wants the best for you, acts accordingly on your behalf and shares the same ideals and values as you while also helping you to grow and evolve.

But what does it mean to care for someone, and for their sake?

Continue reading “Friendship – are you a real friend?” »

In this week’s Success Newsletter, I would like to discuss the challenges of unconditional love.

First a quick update:

****  Coaches, therapists and hypnotists -  If you feel held back and want to learn and use a technique that guarantees bigger, better faster results for your clients, for which you can charge more per session, generate more clients and more business, and create more freedom for you, take my course – you can learn at your own pace – http://patrickwanis.com/srtt/srtt-st.asp

Now, let’s talk about unconditional love – what it is and the challenges it presents.

“To give and not expect return, that is what lies at the heart of love.”

- Oscar Wilde

“Love has nothing to do with what you are expecting to get – only with what you are expecting to give – which is everything.”

- Katherine Hepburn

It is something that has been glorified and desired in poetry, books, movies, and music; something that has become known as the ideal love, even the divine love – unconditional love – a love where there is no conditions, no expectations, no reservations; a love that is absolute.

It is the love that we have created as the ideal; the desire to be fully loved, no matter what, to feel fully accepted, no matter what. It is the ideal that is so deeply yearned for in relationships – ‘Love me no matter what happens, no matter what I do. Love me as I am and for always.’

But is unconditional love achievable and is the desire for it and expectation of it beneficial or destructive?

Alfred Adler, Abraham Maslow, Carl Rogers and Rollo May where a group of American Psychologists who formed humanistic psychology in the late 1950s and early 1960s. They taught that one of our basic emotional needs is the nurturing and self-actualizing culture of unconditionality: unconditional acceptance by others, unconditional self-regard, unconditional self-acceptance, and unconditional love.

Their message was a response to the denigration of the human spirit that is often implied in the image of the person drawn by behavioral and social sciences (i.e. we have conditioned reflexes & responses; we are animals with basic drives beyond our control.) Humanistic psychology set out to affirm the inherent value and dignity of human beings.

Thus, the humanistic psychologists were seeking and attempting to create an ideal.

But is that ideal – unconditional love – truly achievable and livable?

Continue reading “The challenge of unconditional love” »

In this week’s Success Newsletter, I would like to share an extraordinary true story that reveals that when you believe it, you will see it.

First a quick update:

****  What Americans can learn from Aussies – Read the article I wrote that Foxnews.com published on Australia Day identifying 10 lessons Americans can learn from Aussies such as no. 4: “…not as many women compete directly with men – although they are still highly successful and educated…the man is allowed to be a man – to protect and provide and yes, be rough around the edges. He is not told that he is supposed to be feminine or PC and a woman doesn’t feel stupid, inferior or threatened if she decides to ask a man for help.” http://www.foxnews.com/opinion/2012/01/26/what-americans-can-learn-from-aussies-on-australia-day/

Now, let’s talk about a true story that reveals that when you believe it, you will see it.

Have you heard or said the phrase, “I’ll believe it when I see it”?

What if the opposite is actually the truth; “I’ll see it when I believe it”?

It was 1983 and it was the first ever race to be staged between Australia’s largest shopping centres in Sydney and Melbourne. The total distance was 875 kilometres – 544 miles. It was an Ultra Marathon. Now the experienced runners knew (believed actually) that the optimal performance in a race of this magnitude – approximately 7 days of expected running – would require 18 hours of running and 6 hours of sleep.

An old man approached the registration desk. He was 61. He had no coaches and no sponsors. In fact, he didn’t even have the proper racing attire; he was dressed in overalls and gumboots. Was it possible that this old man even believed for a moment that he could complete such a distance; a distance that is a grueling challenge for trained athletes more than half his age?

Reporters and the press began to question this man:

“Who are you and what are you doing?”

“I’m Cliff Young. I’m from a large ranch where we run sheep outside of Melbourne.”

“You’re really going to run in this race?”

“Yeah.”

“Got any backers?”

“No.”

The press now viewed and treated Cliff Young as a side show:

“Then you can’t run…you’re crazy…there is no way you can ever finish this race”

“Yeah I can.” Cliff said. “See, I grew up on a farm where we couldn’t afford horses or four wheel drives, and the whole time I was growing up– until about four years ago when we finally made some money and got a four wheeler– whenever the storms would roll in, I’d have to go out and round up the sheep. We had 2,000 head, and we have 2,000 acres. Sometimes I would have to run those sheep for two or three days. It took a long time, but I’d catch them. I believe I can run this race; it’s only two more days. Five days. I’ve run sheep for three.”

Albert Ernest Clifford Young began the race and just like Aesop’s fable, “The Tortoise and The Hare”, Cliff was left in the dust as the finest distance runners took off. And just like the Tortoise, Cliff ran with his own style – a shuffle. It would go on to be recognized as an energy-saving running technique labeled the “Young Shuffle.”

But a shuffle alone wasn’t going to win a marathon.

Continue reading “Believe it and you will see it – Cliff Young” »