Lessons from an alleged hate crime

In this week’s Success Newsletter, I would like to discuss the 3 lessons to be gleaned from the alleged hate crime of George Zimmerman who killed an unarmed black teenager.

First a quick update:

 ****  Creativity without drugs - In a new series of video interviews that chronicle leaders and developments in the addiction recovery world presented by Milestones Ranch Malibu Treatment Center, I interview Pete Martinez, renowned country music artist (who also performed for President Bush and Vice President Cheney during the Wyoming Inaugural party in Washington, D.C. on January 19th 2005) about the difference between performing sober and performing while on drugs. Pete also addresses the challenge many people suffering from addiction face based on the fear of self-expression and judgment. Watch it here: http://youtu.be/TZC_po68nto

Now, let’s talk about the 3 lessons to be gleaned from the alleged hate crime of George Zimmerman who killed an unarmed black teenager.

For people who live outside of the US: George Zimmerman, 28, a self-appointed volunteer neighborhood watch captain, admitted to shooting 17-year-old Trayvon Martin last month. Martin was leaving a convenience store when Zimmerman who believed him to be suspicious called 911.  Zimmerman went on to claim that the teen started to run and that Zimmerman was following the boy; the dispatcher told him, “We don’t need you to do that.”

But Zimmerman ignored the directive and he pursued and eventually shot to death Martin who was unarmed.

Zimmerman’s representatives asserted that he was acting in self-defense, but the incident has become a racially charged story due to allegations of hate crime, racial profiling associated with the shooting, and the local police’s handling of the investigation. No charges have been made against Zimmerman and rallies across the country have been staged in support of Martin and demanding the arrest of Zimmerman.

However, the response has been extreme with people demanding more than justice – some are demanding revenge: The New Black Panthers Party has offered a $10,000 reward for the “capture and citizen’s arrest” of George Zimmerman.

Fox News Channel commentator Geraldo Rivera suggested that a hoodie worn by Martin was as much responsible for his death as the neighborhood watch captain who shot him. Rivera’s son said he was ashamed of his father’s words and subsequently, Rivera apologized for the comment. Rivera was also probably unaware that The National Rifle Association sells ‘Concealed Carry’ hoodies for concealing mid-size pistols. And Congressman Bobby Rush (D-IL) was asked to leave the House chamber after taking off his suit jacket and revealing that he was wearing a hoodie during a speech in tribute to Martin.

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You need to say “I’m sorry”

In this week’s Success Newsletter, I would like to discuss the significance of saying “I am sorry.”

First a quick update:

****  Jason Russell’s public meltdown – What caused the bizarre public behavior of the leader of the “Kony 2012” campaign, Jason Russell, who ran naked in the streets, beating his fists on the ground? While his representatives claimed it was caused by “exhaustion, dehydration and malnutrition” watch the TV interview I gave to the Today Show Australia for my insights and analysis of his behavior: http://today.ninemsn.com.au/videoindex.aspx?uuid=ed1761f3-af68-43ee-bcc1-152ed1c2b197

Now, let’s talk about why you need to say “I’m sorry.”

In 1976, Elton John wrote in his famous song that “sorry seems to be the hardest word.” What does it mean when we say “I am sorry” and why is it so difficult for us to say such simple words?

In my newsletter, “The twelve most important words you will speak”, I identify four phrases (twelve words) that are critical to a marriage or any relationship; words that can lead to the happiness, health and longevity of a relationship; three of those words are “I am sorry”:

In Spanish, the expression, “I am sorry” translates to “Lo siento” which literally means “I feel it.” Saying you are sorry, signifies that you understand that you have wronged or hurt someone, that you regret your actions because you value the person and relationship. When you say, “I am sorry” you express vulnerability but show courage and strength of character. A sincere, heartfelt and empathetic apology inspires forgiveness but does not guarantee it – nor should you expect it. When you say sorry, you are saying it for the other person, recognizing, acknowledging and admitting that your actions or lack of had an adverse effect on the other person. When spoken appropriately, these words can heal a relationship and neutralize shame, humiliation, hurt, offense and insult.

http://patrickwanis.com/blog/the-twelve-most-important-words-you-will-speak

And this leads to another benefit of saying “I’m sorry”: conflict resolution and customer service.

One of the customized training programs I present to corporations is about customer service and identifying customer needs. Executives are often shocked to learn that one of the primary needs of customers who have had a negative experience is simply the validation of their negative experience and the validation of their feelings.

I teach that when a customer service representative listens sincerely and fully to the customer’s complaint or experience and is able to respond with “I am sorry” or “I am sorry that you had that experience”, the customer’s intense emotions such as anger, distress, betrayal, embarrassment, disappointment or revenge can often be almost immediately neutralized.

There are three key reasons for this result:

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Have some compassion

In this week’s Success Newsletter, I would like to discuss the power of compassion for yourself and others, and how it is a key to your happiness and success.

First a quick update:

****  ‘Oscar curse’ may have merit: Study – According to a University study of the 751 best actor and actress nominees from 1936 to 2010, 63% of the winning actresses divorced compared to those actresses who lost in the same category and the average marriage for a best actress winner was only 4.3 years where a marriage for a non-winning actress lasted 9.5 years. Can a man really handle his wife’s shining success? Read my quotes in the Toronto Sun: http://www.torontosun.com/2012/02/24/study-finds-broken-marriages-are-more-common-for-best-actress-winners

**** ‘Dance Moms’ ‘nude’ dance routine promotes pedophilia? The TV show “Dance Moms” titled “Topless Showgirls” features girls as young as eight performing a sexually charged, provocative showgirl-like routine, thrusting their chests forward and backward, and donning tiny sparkly flesh-colored bras and panties to give the illusion of nudity. Read my quotes and insights about the way that this condones, encourages and motivates adults to imagine little girls dancing naked for their pleasure.  http://www.foxnews.com/entertainment/2012/03/09/dance-moms-nude-dance-routine-episode-playground-for-pedophiles-experts-say/

Now, let’s talk about why compassion is important to your success and happiness.

The dictionary defines compassion as: “the deep awareness of the suffering of another coupled with the wish to relieve it.” In order to have a deep awareness of the other person’s suffering, one must be able to imagine and feel that suffering, feel that pain; one must be able to imagine himself as the other person and then experience or feel the same things.

As a behavior expert and therapist, I have found that one of the primary keys to emotional freedom for my clients is compassion – for self and others – including compassion for the person who instigated the pain. It is compassion that leads to forgiveness.

Compassion, though, begins with oneself.

Clients will often say to me, ‘but I am compassionate towards others, but not compassionate towards myself.’ I respond that “If you can’t be compassionate to yourself, then you don’t really know what compassion is.” How can you feel someone else’s pain if you can’t feel your own? How can you say you want to relieve someone else’s pain if you don’t want to relieve your own? Of course, I am not referring to a crisis or emergency where you must put someone else first to save or rescue them.

“If you don’t love yourself, you cannot love others. You will not be able to love others. If you have no compassion for yourself then you are not able of developing compassion for others.” – The Dalai Lama.

In the special process I use with clients – Subconscious Rapid Transformation Technique (SRTT) I begin by helping the client to explore, identify and validate everything that they feel and felt as a child. Using insight and wisdom to explore and uncover the reasons behind the emotions a child felt helps to the client to validate and accept what he or she felt as a child. And this leads to compassion for oneself and to forgiveness for oneself.

Dana, a mother of three daughters, told me at the end of our session that when she now thinks about her childhood and herself as child, she can see, feel and perceive the innocence of her childhood; she has let go of the judgment she made about herself (the self-loathing and criticism) and now she can actually feel that she was a little girl and even her image of herself as a child is now gentle, soft and loving. This is a common statement by my clients.

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Marriage first – before children – and everything else

In this week’s Success Newsletter, I would like to reveal why it is critical to put your marriage first – before your children – and everything else.

First a quick update:

****  New treatment for depression – In a new series of video interviews that chronicle leaders and developments in the addiction recovery world presented by Milestones Ranch Malibu Treatment Center, I interview Dr. John M. Hawkins (Chief of Psychiatry, Deputy Chief Research Officer and Director of Outpatient Clinic at the Lindner Center of HOPE) about Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation (TMS) Therapy in the treatment for depression. Watch the video here:  http://youtu.be/01SF-ZQxx38

Now, let’s talk about the reasons that it is critical to put your marriage first, before your children and before everything else.

A television producer, who was doing research for a show about marriage and cheating, was shocked when I told her that parents need to put the marriage first, before the children.

“Why is that?” she asked.

‘Marriage is the nest, the foundation for the children’s growth and development on all levels’, I responded. ‘The kids will learn everything from their parents about life, including love, intimacy, affection, communication, conflict resolution, respect and priorities. Further, it is common that parents feel that once the child is born, the child must come first, before the needs of the spouse and relationship. But, when you neglect the marriage in order to make the children the priority, eventually the marriage fails and the children directly suffer when a divorce occurs; emotional and physical neglect are often factors in cheating in a marriage.’  Read my article “Affair-proofing your marriage” www.patrickwanis.com/blog/affair-proofing-your-marriage/

Children learn one of three ways:

1. They copy what they see
2. They believe and repeat what they hear
3. They make conclusions based on emotional experiences

In other words, a child’s experiences and his/her role-models (parents or caregivers) form the blueprint for life; a blueprint about love, relationships, self-worth & deservedness, and the world around them.

Think about your attitudes and beliefs about life; from where did they come?

Continue reading “Marriage first – before children – and everything else” »