Who is brainwashing and controlling you?

In this week’s Success Newsletter, I would like to discuss brainwashing and control, and reveal ways to protect yourself from brainwashing.

First a quick update:

****  Take the stress test – The link between life changes and illness & injury – Major life changes contribute to stress but multiple major life changes within one year correlate with a higher risk of injury or illness. Life changes alter a person’s social roles and relationships, such as marriage, divorce, job change, serious illness, or the death of a loved one, and thus, they increase a person’s susceptibility to stress, and in turn contribute if not directly cause a host of physical, mental and emotional ailments and illnesses. The ripples of stress will often last for a year or even longer. Take the stress test here: http://patrickwanis.com/blog/stress-the-link-between-life-changes-and-illness-injury/

Now, let’s talk about ways to avoid being brainwashed.

“It’s a timeless formula for brainwashing: convince people that they are lacking something and you are the only one who has the answer” is what I told HLN television news (sister station to CNN) when being interviewed about the dangers of gurus and specifically the case of James Arthur Ray who was sentenced to 2 years in prison for the deaths of 3 people in a sweat lodge.

The formal definition of brainwashing is a forcible indoctrination to induce someone to give up basic political, social, or religious beliefs and attitudes and to accept contrasting regimented ideas.

However, brainwashing also refers to mind control or the manipulation of one’s thoughts or behavior. The result or intended result is to subvert an individual’s sense of control over their own thinking, behavior, emotions or decision making.

When we think of brainwashing, we often think of either totalitarian regimes (Nazi Germany that appeared to succeed in systematically indoctrinating prisoners of war through propaganda and torture techniques), or conversions to new religious movements and cults.

But brainwashing (mind control, indoctrination, and manipulation of thoughts and behavior) occurs every day.

“You must constantly ask yourself these questions: Who am I around? What are they doing to me? What have they got me reading? What have they got me saying? Where do they have me going? What do they have me thinking? And most important, what do they have me becoming? Then ask yourself the big question: Is that okay? Your life does not get better by chance, it gets better by change.”

Continue reading “Who is brainwashing and controlling you?” »

Overcoming the fear of failure

In this week’s Success Newsletter, I would like to reveal ways and strategies to conquer the fear of failure.

First a quick update:

****  What is a sober living home? – In a new series of video interviews that chronicle leaders and developments in the addiction recovery world presented by Milestones Ranch Malibu Treatment Center, I interview Dave Casey, Executive Director at Bridge Sober Living Homes, about sober living homes — a place to transition from treatment to finding a new meaningful place in society. Dave Casey explains that compassion is critical to the recovery process and that his personal experience revealed to him that change and healing occur by uncovering the underlying core issues that lead to relapse http://youtu.be/nIjwdW04bgo

Now, let’s talk about ways to overcome the fear of failure.

Theodore Samuel “Ted” Williams (1918-2002) is a famous US baseball player with a 21-year Major League Baseball career with the Boston Red Sox. He holds the highest career batting average of anyone with 500 or more home runs and twice won the Triple Crown. Williams was the last ballplayer to hit .400 in a season. He also did two tours of duty in the military in World War II and the Korean War.

And yet, in spite of all of his life experience, successes, mass recognition and accolades, Ted Williams suffered from fear of failure.

“I was always afraid I might fail…I was pictured as being so cocky – I might have been cocky to some people, but not in my heart.”

In an interview with CNN’s Bob Greene, it was apparent that Williams always fixated on his own shortcomings.

When Williams was a young ballplayer, he said, “All I want out of life is that when I walk down the street, people will say, ‘There goes the greatest hitter who ever lived.’ ”

Williams made it a reality and he was nicknamed “The Greatest Hitter Who Ever Lived.”

But that still wasn’t enough for Williams.

“I would slide down in my seat a little bit when I heard someone say that,” he told Bob Greene. “Because I wanted people to believe it, but I didn’t believe it myself. I didn’t believe it then, and I don’t believe it now. Babe Ruth, Hank Aaron — they were so good. When I would be at a dinner and someone would say I was the best, I would want to hide out of sight and sink into the floor.”

What Ted Williams was describing was much more than fear of failure alone – it was the feeling of not being good enough, never being good enough; the constant desire to be perfect. He achieved his goal and dream of being labeled as “The Greatest Hitter Who Ever Lived” and yet at the end of his life, he still expressed regret for not being enough, saying that he didn’t run fast enough.

Self-doubt and fear of failure plague every one of us – even the highly successful and famous people. And when a person achieves success but still subconsciously believes that he is not worthy of the success, that he is not good enough, then he becomes a victim of the “Impostor Syndrome” and usually sabotages his success – the way many celebrities do.

Read my articles:

“Are you an impostor?” http://patrickwanis.com/blog/are-you-an-impostor/

“Conquering self-doubt” http://patrickwanis.com/blog/conquering-self-doubt/

“Overcoming yourself” http://patrickwanis.com/blog/overcoming-yourself/

“Self-sabotage and Law of Deservedness” – watch the video – http://youtu.be/mgZFPLQ-K-c

Fear of failure often paralyzes you or at the very least leads to procrastination; the more fear of failure you feel, the more you will procrastinate. Williams had a desire to succeed, to achieve perfection along with a specific goal of becoming the greatest hitter who ever lived. And that desire, motivation and goal were collectively greater than his fear of failure, and thus he took action.

But for most of us, unless there is another force at play, fear of failure will stop us from even trying. And the less you try something, the smaller you become, the more fearful you become; you lose your belief in your skills, in your competency. In order to raise your level of competency, you must take action. But action alone (acting in spite of the fear) is not enough to overcome fear of failure.

What is fear of failure?

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Reasons not to forgive and be a victim? Or can you let it go and set yourself free?

In this week’s Success Newsletter, I would like to discuss the link between playing the victim and refusing to forgive.

First a quick update:

***  Treating Bipolar Disorder – In a new series of video interviews that chronicle leaders and developments in the addiction recovery world presented by Milestones Ranch Malibu Treatment Center, I interview Dr. Paul Keck, Jr., President and CEO of Lindner Center of HOPE, for insights into Bipolar Disorder – medication, therapy and life skills management. Dr. Keck also addresses the tough question, “Why are there more people today than ever before being diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder?”
Watch what Dr.Keck says about the significance of working with the whole family when treating clients with Bipolar Disorder. http://youtu.be/59ek5JwuBl0

Now, let’s talk about the link between refusing to forgive and being a victim.

Has anyone ever taken advantage of you; cheated, betrayed, humiliated, wronged or hurt you in some way?

Of course!

Every one of us has been wronged by someone at one time in our lives – or possibly many times.

And when someone does wrong you, what is the appropriate response?

Is it to hurt them back, to punish them or to seek revenge?

Is it to deny the event or action; to ignore it and pass over it?

Is it to immediately avoid feeling any pain and instantly forgive that person?

Is it to stay angry, bitter and malicious towards that person?

All of the above responses are extreme responses that fail to result in emotional freedom, inner peace, resolution or closure.

Recently, Karen, a client was relating to me a story of how her employer had apparently betrayed and taken advantage of her. She explained how she had taken up a contract with this employer and shortly into it, without explaining the reasons, he terminated the contract. He fulfilled the legal terms of the contract and he paid her dues and fees.

However, the early termination of the contract was painful and distressing to Karen because it resulted in large consequences beyond impacting her self-confidence and self-esteem – she would have to move residence and possibly relocate.

Her employer had fulfilled the legal terms of their contract but in her mind, he had not been ethical or at the very least, he had lacked compassion by not taking into account the impact that terminating the contract would have on her life.

Seeking a possible explanation for the early termination, Karen asked her employer to explain and he refused. Subsequently, she concluded that possibly he terminated the contract because he could not afford to continue to pay her. But even that potential explanation was not enough to set her free emotionally.

And as she spoke about this experience, the anger, bitterness and venom was most clear and evident; when I asked about forgiving this person, even if she would never do business again with him, she replied:

“He is not significant enough for me to forgive him.”

Continue reading “Reasons not to forgive and be a victim” »

Two secrets to finding love

In this week’s Success Newsletter, I would like to reveal two secrets to finding and experiencing love.

First a quick update:

****  Teen takes on Seventeen, says magazine contributes to body image issues – The magazine marketed to teenagers continues to Photoshop and airbrush images of its teen models to create the perfect face and body. Now a teenager is taking on the magazine claiming it contributes to serious body-image issues. Read my quotes in the article on FoxNews.com: http://www.foxnews.com/entertainment/2012/05/08/teen-takes-on-seventeen-says-magazine-contributes-to-body-image-issues/

Now, let’s talk about the two secrets to finding and experiencing love.

From my book “Find Love Fast”:

http://patrickwanis.com/FindLoveFastBook.asp

Life can be confusing and complex at times. We can find ourselves befuddled by its many mysteries, wondering how our life turned out the way it did. Sometimes we can become sad and feel hopeless, wondering if any one will ever love us the way we want.

The good news is we are not powerless or helpless -no matter what is now going on in our lives or what we have experienced in the past.

One of my clients, Jill, came to me in desperation. After three years, Robert, her partner walked out on her. She was confused and deeply hurt. “I did nothing wrong. I loved him so much. I did everything he wanted. I gave everything to him. I cooked and cleaned for him. I know that no one will ever love Robert the way I did…”

Why would someone walk out on his partner if she loved him so much? Why would someone walk out if that person did everything he wanted?

Ironically, the mistake Jill made was that she did everything he wanted!

You might ask, “What is wrong with that?”

  Continue reading “Two secrets to finding love” »

The poison of perfectionism and self-centeredness

In this week’s Success Newsletter, I would like to discuss the poison of perfectionism and its link to self-centeredness & narcissism.

First a quick update:

****  The Law of Deservedness – watch the in-depth interview I give to Harrison Klein about the way we sabotage our lives when we don’t feel good enough. One viewer wrote to me “I was crying almost the whole way through the interview.” Watch it here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mgZFPLQ-K-c

****  Can Kevin Jonas’ marriage survive the reality show curse? – Read my quotes in the article on Celebuzz.com about the new reality show with Kevin Jonas and his wife and what I call the curse of the reality show and how it destroys relationships and marriages. http://www.celebuzz.com/2012-04-30/can-kevin-jonas-marriage-survive-reality-show-curse-expert-weighs-in-exclusive/
Also read my article “Reality shows lead to divorce”: http://patrickwanis.com/blog/reality-shows-lead-to-divorce/  and “The curse of the reality show”: http://patrickwanis.com/blog/curse-of-the-reality-show/

Now, let’s talk about the poison of perfectionism and its link to self-centeredness & narcissism.

The dictionary defines perfection as the state of being flawless, free from fault or defect. Perfection can also refer to achieving maturity (such as a wine ‘maturing to perfection’) or the quality or state of being saintly (again implying a state of flawlessness.)

The desire to achieve perfection usually begins in childhood with programming by parents who directly or indirectly reinforce the belief that the child is not good enough, and, never will be.

Do you engage in the following self-talk?

• I can’t do anything right
• I always mess up
• I am an idiot
• It’s not good enough
• I am not good enough
• Why can’t I do better?

The above self-talk are actually voices from the past. Remove the word “I” from each sentence and replace it with “You” and it is most likely the words of a parent spoken to a child.

Children have no control over what their parents will say or do and therefore are truly victims of the programming of their parents. However, today, children and adults are constantly being brainwashed into perfectionism by society – media, advertising and peers.

Continue reading “The poison of perfectionism and self-centeredness” »