In this week’s Success Newsletter, I would like to reveal the ways to affair-proof your relationship or marriage.
First a quick update:
**** “Getting over the past” – if you want to let go of the past and be able to get on with your life; if you want to break away from the past, from the painful emotions, obsessive thoughts so that you can be happy, alive, excited about love and life, free from the pain, rejection, betrayal and deep hurt, click here: http://patrickwanis.com/getoverit_package.asp
Now, let’s talk about the ways to affair-proof your relationship or marriage.
In my Newsletter “Cheating – are women innocent”, I revealed that recent statistics show that women cheat almost as much as men do. one in five married women has had an affair according to the National Opinion Research Center http://patrickwanis.com/blog/2010/08/04/cheating-are-women-innocent/ Most people define cheating as a physical interaction but in my article and quiz, “Is it cheating?”, I offer 14 scenarios for you to decide what constitutes cheating. I also explain that a committed relationship is about love, honor, respect, honesty and trust, and thus, anything that you do that goes against that type of commitment can be defined as cheating – that includes emotional cheating. http://patrickwanis.com/blog/2008/04/02/is-it-cheating-2/
So what can you do to affair-proof your relationship or marriage?
First it’s critical to understand that each one of us is ultimately responsible for the choices we make – it is never your fault for the way the other person chooses to behave or respond, nor is it their fault for the way you choose to respond.. Also, you cannot control someone else and you cannot determine how they will respond to you but, there are specific strategies and things you can do to strengthen your relationship, bond and love, and to dramatically reduce the chances of you or your partner straying or having an affair:
- Do you really want to get married? If you are not fully committed or you are marrying due to social pressure, there is a greater chance of failure. Be clear before making the vow whether or not it is something you truly want. Although it is easy today to divorce, there are also tremendous legal, economic and emotional consequences of divorce for you, your partner and your children.
- Choose the right partner. Be clear about what type of person you want to marry and which partner truly suits you. The primary key to success, happiness and longevity in any relationship, and particularly marriage, is the sharing of core values and matching temperaments i.e. you must both want the same things and your personalities need to be complementary to each other.
- Be clear about your values, goals and what you want. Men: find out where you are going before you decide who you are going to take with you; women: beware of only marrying for security and children otherwise, one day you will meet the man that will capture your heart and even if you don’t have an affair, you will awaken to realize how unhappy you are in your relationship or marriage and you will feel lost, confused and deeply regretful..
- Put the marriage first – yes, ahead of career and children. A strong marriage with open love, respect and affection is the strongest foundation for raising children. Putting children or career first and thus neglecting your partner and marriage will ruin your marriage and thus actually hurt the children. Read more about this principle in the interview I gave “Is your relationship suffering from the Putt Putt Syndrome? http://patrickwanis.com/blog/2010/02/15/is-your-relationship-suffering-from-the-putt-putt-syndrome/
- Commit to the marriage and to each other – the choice and fear by today’s generation to commit to many aspects of life including relationships is creating unhappiness, general confusion, disillusionment and lack of fulfillment. Be willing to accept that you are going to have to work hard and spend time on your marriage and relationship – it will not naturally take care of itself; if you don’t now spend any time and energy on your husband/wife and marriage, you will when you are in divorce court.
- Focus on your partner as your source of sexual pleasure and not magazines, internet or other people
- Set a weekly date night – make time for each other and don’t talk about money, business or kids; talk about each other. Read more about this principle in the interview I gave “Is your relationship suffering from the Putt Putt Syndrome? http://patrickwanis.com/blog/2010/02/15/is-your-relationship-suffering-from-the-putt-putt-syndrome/
- Keep the romance alive – keep wooing and reassuring her that she is the one, the only one for you; let her know you adore her; express affection and thoughtfulness, use texts and emails to flirt and let your partner know how much you love each other rather than simply exchanging useless information
- Communicate - a lack of communication is the primary complaint by women about their partners; men also need to talk and communicate to deepen the bond; talk about small things (daily occurrences) and meaningful things (dreams, aspirations, goals, vacations, etc)
- Do things together – stop being roommates and living in two worlds (women lost in children and men lost in career); share hobbies and interests to prevent growing apart; men need to do things with their wife or they lose interest; remember when you courted and you did things together?
- Take care of yourself – men want their woman to look good – take care of yourself physically and aesthetically; don’t let your appearance slide and no, you don’t need to have a perfect body
- Beware of a sexless marriage: Have sex regularly and look for ways to keep it exciting rather than making it repetitive or a chore or obligation; women: although you are a mother now and sex is less of a priority, be aware that it still remains a high priority for men. If there is a sexual block, talk about it and seek counseling and help.
- Give your partner what he or she needs: Women feel loved and amorous when their partner creates a space for her to feel safe and special i.e. listen, empathize, praise, support, encourage, help and allow her to express her emotions; men feel loved when they are appreciated and acknowledged and when they receive sex. (I am not saying this is right or wrong – it’s simply the way it is.)
- Build the emotional connection: Women: don’t stop being nurturing to your husband; men: expect that she will change and evolve physically, mentally and emotionally- work hard to keep the emotional connection alive and strong; give and receive on all levels; Women cheat when they feel invisible and their emotional needs aren’t being met. Read my article “Why women cheat”: http://patrickwanis.com/blog/2010/02/17/why-women-cheat-2/
- Avoid selfishness, entitlement and narcissism: beware of instant gratification – think of the long term consequences and what you will lose. If you are a man with power and influence, be wary of falling into the same trap as most celebrities and politicians: delusions of grandeur and power – “the rules no longer apply to me”
- Establish boundaries and avoid temptation: be clear about what crossing the line means – discuss it with your partner; be prepared to say no to offers and people; focus on maintaining emotional intimacy with your partner – talk with your partner about your feelings and thoughts; Beware of creating greater emotional intimacy with friends of the opposite sex than your husband or wife. Attraction to other people is natural – acting on the attraction is dangerous; if you begin to feel sexual tension, walk away. Be wary of hiding things from your partner.
- Dissolve resentment – be open and honest with yourself about any resentment or bitterness you may feel towards your spouse for a past event; resentment destroys love and trust in a relationship and can easily lead you to look for love somewhere else; forgive and release the resentment.
- Keep your word, remember your vow and maintain your integrity – better to get out of the relationship than betray your partner.
Commit to making your marriage succeed before you walk away. Some people who are in an unhappy, sexless or loveless marriage will stay together and even remain loyal as a moral or a financial choice (to avoid guilt or financial loss or because they believe it is in the best interests of the children.) As the Beyond Affairs Network explains, other people may have what appears to be all they need in a marriage or relationship but, for selfish and narcissistic reasons, will still choose to cheat by seeking additional excitement outside the marriage. Thus, ultimately, the decision to be faithful, loyal and keep your word and vow is simply a personal choice.
You can comment on this newsletter by going to www.patrickwanis.com/blog if you have received this newsletter as a forward and would like to receive all of my newsletters please enter your email address on the home page at PatrickWanis.com.
I wish you the best and remind you “Believe in yourself -You deserve the best!”
Patrick Wanis Ph.D.
Celebrity Life Coach, Human Behavior & Relationship Expert & Clinical Hypnotherapist