In this week’s Success Newsletter, I would like to discuss immature men, how to identify them and why they are so damaging and harmful.
First a quick update:
**** “Mackenzie Phillips – False Memory Syndrome”: Phillips, daughter of the famous singer and musician John Phillips of The Mamas and Papas, claims she had a long-term incestuous relationship with her father and says he injected her with drugs from a young age. Listen to the interview I gave to Russ Morley, host of the morning show on News/Talk 850 WFTL where I reveal that Phillips might be suffering from False Memory Syndrome and I outline the tell-tale signs and behaviors of victims of childhood sexual abuse and explain why she might also be telling the truth while members of her family deny her claims as false and lies. http://patrickwanis.com/RadioInterviews.asp#PhillipsFMS
**** Part 2 – Anti-depressants cause deaths, suicides and murder: Read part two of the transcript of a lengthy interview and discussion between myself and Dr. Peter Breggin, author of “Medication Madness – a psychiatrist exposes the dangers of mood-altering medications.” http://patrickwanis.com/blog/wp-admin/2009/09/28/anti-depressants-cause-deaths-suicides-and-murder-pt-2/
**** It could be you – Quit smoking success story: Read about the woman whom I have never met but whose life was changed when she began using two of my hypnosis audio programs – Cindi stopped smoking and lost weight using my easy program. Cindi has been smoke free for three years – and lost weight at the same time simply by using two of my hypnosis audio programs. Cindi says “Since quitting smoking in Feb., I have gained a tremendous amount of self-esteem, just knowing that I CAN control what I do to my body, whether with smoking and or eating foods that are not healthy choices.” http://patrickwanis.com/blog/success-story-becoming-smoke-free/
Now, let’s talk about the definition of an immature man.
A few months ago, a reporter from The National Enquirer interviewed me for my comments and opinion on the relationship between actor Patrick Stewart and his new girlfriend jazz singer, Sunny Ozell. Patrick Stewart is 68 and Sunny, at age 31, is five years younger than Stewart’s daughter, Sophie, 36. My response was that when there is an age difference as big as 37 years (or 41 years as is the case with Rolling Stone’s Ron Wood and his 20 year old girlfriend Ekaterina Ivanova or 45 years as is the alleged case by various magazines of Morgan Freeman and his girlfriend, his 27 year old step granddaughter E’Dena Hines) then this signifies that the man hasn’t matured and he is still stuck in the dark side of the hero phase – he is still behaving like a boy.
This behavior is equivalent to adolescence or ego. It is akin to the fairy tale where the young prince or knight saves and wins the damsel but the story ends there; he is after all, a young prince or knight, we never see him mature (evolve) to be a king. Is that because he does not know what to do with her and maybe does not know himself beyond being a prince or knight – he never looks deeper into his own masculine self? The fairy tale suggests that the relationship between the prince and damsel is simply infatuation and there is no deeper connection or evolution; it is simply artificial or superficial love. Both prince and damsel also stay young forever – a symbol or metaphor that they also do not evolve.
Unfortunately, the fairy tale hero story sets us up to believe that our only goal is to conquer, to win and rescue and thus, it sets up as the ideal, the stuck hero.
The stuck hero endlessly feeds his need to conquer and control, severing relationships along the way, naïve and drunk in the illusion that there are no limits, he can do anything. He becomes patriarchal, aggressive, but not wise; stepping on others to serve his own needs instead of using his power to help, protect and serve others.
The self-serving hero phase represents an aggressive stage in life filled with the desire for selfish conquest and triumph; the desire to amass trophies – possessions and things only for one-self.
Recently, I witnessed something similar with a 40 year old man who has a serious girlfriend but still focuses on physically conquering other women; yes he cheats on her. And when he wins them, he doesn’t know what to do with them, so the relationship or connection remains only on a superficial level. Worse still, he judges women purely on their exterior physical appearance and throws them to the garbage heap when they are over 30 or not physically perfect.
The above examples represent immaturity in a man: he stays stuck as a boy, failing or unable to evolve into manhood.
What is maturity?
The dictionary defines mature as “fully developed in body and mind.”
So what does it mean to be fully developed in “mind”?
Interestingly, the greatest gender difference in men and women is obviously the hormonal makeup with Testosterone creating aggression, competitiveness, and the urge to dominate.
Professor Steven Goldberg, Chairman of the Department of Sociology at City College of New York, in his provocative book, “Why Men Rule–A Theory of Male Dominance”, claims men and women are different due to their hormonally-driven behavior. Professor Goldberg argues that the high level of testosterone in males drives them toward dominance in the world, while the lack of high levels of this hormone in women creates a natural, biological push in the direction of less dominant and more nurturing roles in society.
However, the evolution and maturation of a male involves growing to a phase where a man thinks beyond dominance, grandiosity and patriarchy; a man who thinks outside of himself and his own desires. Thus, the next phase would be that of service and purpose. In other words, the man has a clearly defined purpose in life that includes making a difference in the world – giving and serving rather than simply taking and amassing.
Robert Moore PhD and Douglas Gillette in their book, “King, Warrior, Magician, Lover: Rediscovering the Archetypes of the Mature Masculine” say that the world is full of boys pretending and playing to be men.
Robert Moore and Douglas Gillette believe that mature masculinity is not abusive, domineering, or grandiose, but generative, creative, and empowering of the self and others.
They distinguish between the immature masculine – boy psychology and the mature masculine – man psychology.
They list the four immature archetypes as:
- Divine Child – the boy that believes he has divine rights and everyone should bow to his whims
- Oedipal Child – the son that is mother-fixated
- Precocious Child –
- Hero – aggressive, conquering and controlling without purpose
The immature boy phase is summed up as someone that stays stuck in the adolescent phase, still bound to his parents (often the mother), does not have or know his own identity, does not trust himself or life, remains rebellious, unable to adjust to any of society’s norms or values, and, lacking in a competent or secure ego.
The result is immature men whom:
- Cannot form real and meaningful relationships
- Cannot communicate and nurture relationships with family, friends and colleagues
- Haven’t severed the bonds of the mother complex
- Can have a child but run from the responsibility of being a father and raising their children
- Don’t focus on solutions
- Move through life lost and confused, without meaning or purpose
- Live only for their own ego and pleasure – often becoming narcissistic
- Thrive on showing off their power, impressing others, acting superior and dominating others or the opposite – acting cowardly and weak, reluctant to stand up for themselves
- Become obsessed with dating young women
In their book, Robert Moore PhD and Douglas Gillette define the four archetypes of mature masculinity:
- King – the organizer – the energy of just and creative ordering
- Warrior – aggressiveness – the energy of self-disciplined, aggressive action
- Magician – knowledge – the energy of initiation and transformation
- Lover – feeling – the energy that connects men to others and the world
Moore and Gillette believe the developmental history of every man is, in large part, the story of his failure or success at discovering within himself the archetypes of mature masculinity.
The failure for men to mature creates many problems for society: broken relationships, divorces, violence, fatherless children, narcissism, rising teen pregnancies, etc (listen to the interview I gave on the negative impact of bad parenting – http://patrickwanis.com/RadioInterviews.asp#ObamaBad ) But immature men also pose an equally great challenge for women who try to change the immature man. As I point out in my book, “Get the man you want”, women fall in love not with who the man is but rather who he could be with their help; they fall in love with the man’s potential. The block is most men don’t want to change, can’t see the need to change and resist change (particularly when asked to change – a response of the male ego.)
Parents can help boys to mature to manhood by noting the insights of John Welch from his book, “The Carmelite Way”:
“What damages a boy’s development is a lack of response to his attachment needs, or the use of threats of abandonment, or inducing guilt in the boy, or parental clinging to the child. Potentially the most disastrous occurrence for the developing child is the loss of parents or the loss of caring adults.”
The key is to assist him into moving away from the parents and into his own identity and adult life.
I always teach that the best steps we can take to improve our lives and even the world around us begins with ourselves. Listen to my audio book that dating expert Whitney Casey praises for empowering women: “Get the man you want”
And watch this video: http://patrickwanis.com/blog/women-stop-trying-to-change-men-video/
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I wish you the best and remind you “Believe in yourself -You deserve the best!”
Patrick Wanis Ph.D.
Celebrity Life Coach, Human Behavior & Relationship Expert & Clinical Hypnotherapist
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