In this week’s Success Newsletter, I would like to explore the answer to the question “Do men want sex, power or appreciation?”
First a quick update:
**** - New archived articles – He’s just not that into you – I have begun to archive many old articles. Read the article that I wrote about the book “He’s just not that into you” when it first came out: A dating revolution or one giant step backwards? http://patrickwanis.com/blog/hes-just-not-that-into-you-dating-revolution-giant-step-backwards/
Now, let’s talk about one of the primary things a man seeks in a relationship – what he wants to feel – and how that relates to the question “Do men want sex, power or appreciation?”
In last week’s success newsletter, “Do women want to be loved or adored?” I contended that women want to be adored above being loved. Responses to the article included ‘Why loved or adored – why not both?”
If a man will adore and devote himself to the woman he loves, what will a woman do for a man when she is in love and when she truly loves him? How will she express her love?
And how does a man know when a woman loves him; what does he want from her?
My heart was wrapped up in clover
The night I looked at you
And I found a dream that I could speak to
A dream that I can call my own
I found a thrill to press my cheek to
A thrill that I have never known
Etta James – At Last, 1960
(Etta James made the song “At Last” famous, although it was actually written by two men – Mack Gordon and Harry Warren in 1941.)
As explained in last week’s newsletter, women state that they feel loved and long to have love expressed in the form of ‘“Being held, touched, affection, caress, tenderness” and so forth. As Etta James sings “I found a thrill to press my cheek to.”
Men and women approach love from varying perspectives and needs. The greatest general differences between men and women stem from hormonal differences: Testosterone in men generates physical desires – action, competition, aggression, ambition, libido, and so forth. Estrogen, Progesterone and higher levels of Oxytocin in women generate desires to bond, nest, nurture, tend and befriend.
Accordingly, men are more physical than women and they tend to express their love in physical terms (protecting, providing, lovemaking and so forth.)
But does that imply that for men to feel loved, they must seek sex and power in a relationship?
In a workshop on relationships, which I presented for a private group at the Ritz Carlton in Cancun, Mexico, I revealed that there are four key things that a man wants from a woman in a relationship; he wants her to:
- Look good
He wants her to take care of herself, but not be physically perfect; women seek physical perfection for themselves more than men seek physical perfection in women because women compete with each other
- Pay attention and do things with him
He wants her to do activities with him; share thoughts and interests; become best friends
- Have regular and exciting sex with him
He wants to be wanted sexually; he wants to express his love to her physically
- Treat him like a king
He wants her to respect his opinions; include him; defer to him occasionally; give herself to him; treat him like her hero.
(Read my article “Why men want women to cook for them” http://patrickwanis.com/blog/why-men-want-women-to-cook-for-them/ )
It is easy to conclude from the above that men seek power but as I will explain in a moment, men seek respect and appreciation that leads to feelings of power and significance. And yes, there are egomaniacs and power-hungry men. But ultimately, men need validation and appreciation from women.
Feminism evolved in direct response to patriarchy and the inequality of genders. However, feminism made a huge mistake with its core message of: ‘Men think they are superior to women. Wrong. Women are superior to men.’
The better message and intention would have been to seek equality of the sexes not superiority or domination by one over the other. Accordingly, the mass media now portrays women as superior, smarter, more skillful than men who are now portrayed as idiots (appealing to women who make up 80% of consumers.) Read my articles “How stupid are men?” http://patrickwanis.com/blog/how-stupid-are-men/ and “What women look for in a man” http://patrickwanis.com/blog/what-women-look-for-in-a-man/
Women commonly criticize men out of fear and with the false belief that a weak man is a safe or good man. But the criticism crushes the fragile male ego, destroys the love and ultimately the relationship.
Women fail to realize the amount of power they have over men and men often are afraid to admit the power women have over them. If women were not so powerful, there would be little need for men to try and control them via patriarchal societies or governments. Women are powerful because men actually seek validation, respect and appreciation from a woman.
Men need to feel needed.
When working with couples, a common statement I hear is the wife complaining that her husband is not giving her enough attention (she feels emotionally neglected or invisible because the man is so busy working or giving his attention to his career) and the man expresses surprise and shock as he replies “But I am doing it for you honey!”
Next, he says, “She never thanks me, appreciates me or respects me; she never acknowledges me for what I have done and leaves me out of the decisions affecting the children.”
As stated above, the male ego is fragile. A man needs the support and encouragement of the woman he loves to achieve and enjoy his success. Men want to be inspired by a woman but don’t want to be forced into changing. Men resist change but welcome challenges. Read my article “Taming the male” http://patrickwanis.com/blog/taming-the-male/ and “Why don’t you change?” http://patrickwanis.com/blog/why-dont-you-change/
With a woman’s love, a man can do anything; when she sees the hero in him, it inspires him to do great things.
Zig Ziglar is a famous American author, salesman, and motivational speaker. Zig openly relates and admits that when he and Jean first married, they were struggling to find gainful work (often in sales) but his wife would always encourage him “I believe in you Zig.” With that love, Zig Ziglar eventually became one of the greatest teachers and trainers of sales.
Did you ever know that you’re my hero?
You’re everything I wish I could be.
I could fly higher than an eagle,
’cause you are the wind beneath my wings.
Bette Midler – Wind Beneath My Wings, 1982
Men want a woman who has their back; not a woman who will stab them in the back to their friends and family. The knife that stabs the man is the daily criticism which eventually castrates him. And, of course, that applies to both genders – criticism destroys love. Read my article “Criticism and bullying destroys love and relationships” http://patrickwanis.com/blog/criticism-bullying-destroys-love-relationships/
But when a woman is in love with and loves a man – she shows him extraordinary acceptance – some call it unconditional acceptance. And she opens herself on many levels. She opens her heart, mind, body and soul to him; she opens her heart only to him. She opens and gives herself. She expresses her love by being vulnerable, by trusting him, accepting (not criticizing him) and by giving herself to him. She respects, appreciates and easily reveals her need for him. He becomes her hero – he feels significant and powerful – for he now has the power to honor the trust and love she hands him by loving and adoring her. She celebrates his love for her and that now he belongs to her.
Oh yeah yeah
You smiled, you smiled
Oh and then the spell was cast
And here we are in heaven
For you are mine…
Etta James – At Last, 1960
“I see divine Light in my woman. A radiance. I want to see, hear, feel, like the Mona Lisa. Not to possess, but she somehow makes me feel alive. Maybe just from the radiance of her giving heart or how she is a mother. And when I look in her eyes, I see my own destiny reflected. My birthright to conquer mountains.”
- Erol Fox, Life Coach
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I wish you the best and remind you “Believe in yourself -You deserve the best!”
Patrick Wanis Ph.D.
Celebrity Life Coach, Human Behavior & Relationship Expert & SRTT Therapist