In this week’s Success Newsletter, I would like to explore the answer to the question “Do women want to be loved or adored?”
First a quick update:
**** Therapy or medication? Uncovering the true person underneath -
In a new series of video interviews that chronicle leaders and developments in the addiction recovery world presented by Milestones Ranch Malibu Treatment Center, I interview Dr. Rod Amiri, Consulting Clinical Psychiatrist to Milestones Ranch Malibu, for insights into addiction treatment and how he balances the challenge of Dual Diagnosis – substance abuse and psychiatric disorders. Watch what Dr. Amiri says about toxic friends. http://youtu.be/Xlw1k8hLmxI
Now, let’s talk about one of the primary things a woman seeks in a relationship – what she wants to feel – and how that relates to the question “Do women want to be loved or adored?”
When a man loves a woman, spend his very last dime
Tryin’ to hold on to what he needs
He’d give up all his comforts, sleep out in the rain
If she said that’s the way it ought to be
- Percy Sledge – When A Man Loves A Woman, 1966
What will a man do for a woman when he is in love and when he truly loves her?
What is the measure of love?
Poets, philosophers, authors and song writers throughout the ages have written about the magic, power, phenomenon and meaning of love – creating ideals of love such as:
Rick Blaine in “Casablanca” gives up his own happiness for that of the woman he loves
Romeo and Juliet each take their own life, concluding life is meaningless without their beloved
- Avenge and revenge as loyalty
Dracula – Vladimir the Impaler – becomes enraged and turns on God and kills with vindictiveness after finding his loved one dead; William Wallace in “Braveheart” seeks retribution, and murders the village Sheriff and English garrison after they kill his wife.
While all of these, and so many more, are simply extreme examples of the lengths men will go to express their love and devotion, the measure and indicator of love in modern day real life can sometimes be much simpler.
Women, above all else, want adoration.
Adoration leads to one of the key things a woman wants in a relationship – to feel special, to know that she is the one and the only one.
Adoration makes a woman feel valued, special and cherished.
Recently, I was presenting workshops on relationships for a private group at the Ritz Carlton in Cancun, Mexico. One of my key teachings is that love can be simply defined as wanting the best for the other person. But that does not necessarily fully describe or encompass romantic love – the devotion to one person.
To adore someone signifies that you regard her with the utmost esteem, love, and respect; you honor, admire and worship her; you are devoted to her.
The difference between love and adoration is the level of devotion and the estimation, admiration and respect you give her. You can love someone (and thus want the best for him/her) without being devoted or dedicated to him/her. You can love and care about your best friend without adoring him/her. You can also love someone and want the best for him/her without necessarily expressing affection.
But adoration and devotion lead to open affection and an opening of the heart.
Women experience and feel loved when there is an open flow and expression of affection.
“When do you feel loved or how do you like a man to express love to you?” I asked the women in the audience of my workshop.
Their answers surprised the men:
“When he holds me; when he touches me; when he caresses me; when he is tender…”
The words that the women kept echoing were “Being held, touched, affection, caress, tenderness” and so forth.
These are physical examples of the manifestation of adoration. Another woman told me “It’s the way he looks at me.”
Other examples of adoration may include:
- Romantic gestures, small and thoughtful gifts
- Listening without negative judgment and without rushing to give advice
- Being present when she speaks (giving your full attention and focus to her in the moment)
- Being courteous and respectful
- Expressing empathy and sympathy
- Being encouraging and accepting of her and not antagonizing or bullying her
- Expressing appreciation for her uniqueness
Adoration, though, is very different from obsession.
Some women easily become flattered at first by the intense attention of obsession, and thus they easily misconstrue obsession for adoration, thinking that obsessive behavior is nothing more than grand gestures and expressions of love.
However, this is completely false.
Adoration focuses on giving, while obsession focuses on taking.
Adoration is centered on loving her; obsession is centered on using her to make oneself feel better.
Obsession occurs when a man completely loses his own identity, ambition or greater purpose in life and he is completely controlled and consumed by the desire to own and control the woman. Of course, obsession always stems from a place of deep insecurity and possibly sociopathic or anti-social disorders.
Obsession leads to attempts to control the other person and to try and possess them like an object. Obsession can also result in abuse or haunting and stalking the other person.
While obsession imprisons the woman, adoration frees her to blossom and express love.
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
1 Corinthians 13:4-8
The adoration is what fuels the passion of love; adoration is the romance of a relationship. Adoration makes a woman feel truly loved and special.
When a man loves a woman, he can’t keep his mind on nothing else
He’ll trade the world for the good thing he’s found
If she is bad, he can’t see it, she can do no wrong
Turn his back on his best friend if he put her down
- Percy Sledge – When A Man Loves A Woman, 1966
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I wish you the best and remind you “Believe in yourself -You deserve the best!”
Patrick Wanis Ph.D.
Celebrity Life Coach, Human Behavior & Relationship Expert & SRTT Therapist