First a quick update:
 

****  Treating Bipolar Disorder – In a new series of video interviews that chronicle leaders and developments in the addiction recovery world presented by Milestones Ranch Malibu Treatment Center, I interview Dr. Paul Keck, Jr., President and CEO of Lindner Center of HOPE, for insights into Bipolar Disorder – medication, therapy and life skills management. Dr. Keck also addresses the tough question, “Why are there more people today than ever before being diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder?”
Watch what Dr.Keck says about the significance of working with the whole family when treating clients with Bipolar Disorder. http://youtu.be/59ek5JwuBl0

Now, let’s talk about the link between refusing to forgive and being a victim.

Has anyone ever taken advantage of you; cheated, betrayed, humiliated, wronged or hurt you in some way?

Of course!

Every one of us has been wronged by someone at one time in our lives – or possibly many times.

And when someone does wrong you, what is the appropriate response?

Is it to hurt them back, to punish them or to seek revenge?

Is it to deny the event or action; to ignore it and pass over it?

Is ii to immediately avoid feeling any pain and instantly forgive that person?

Is it to stay angry, bitter and malicious towards that person?

All of the above responses are extreme responses that fail to result in emotional freedom, inner peace, resolution or closure.

Recently, Karen, a client was relating to me a story of how her employer had apparently betrayed and taken advantage of her. She explained how she had taken up a contract with this employer and shortly into it, without explaining the reasons, he terminated the contract. He fulfilled the legal terms of the contract and he paid her dues and fees.

However, the early termination of the contract was painful and distressing to Karen because it resulted in large consequences beyond impacting her self-confidence and self-esteem – she would have to move residence and possibly relocate.

Her employer had fulfilled the legal terms of their contract but in her mind, he had not been ethical or at the very least, he had lacked compassion by not taking into account the impact that terminating the contract would have on her life.

Seeking a possible explanation for the early termination, Karen asked her employer to explain and he refused. Subsequently, she concluded that possibly he terminated the contract because he could not afford to continue to pay her. But even that potential explanation was not enough to set her free emotionally.

And as she spoke about this experience, the anger, bitterness and venom was most clear and evident; when I asked about forgiving this person, even if she would never do business again with him, she replied:

“He is not significant enough for me to forgive him.”

Karen, like most people, lacked insight into forgiveness – its meaning and significance.

Is forgiveness dependent on the quality of character of the other person?

What are the benefits of forgiving and not forgiving?

Is she justified for feeling angry, betrayed or wronged?

An experienced attorney will tell you that there are three sides to every story – yours, mine and the truth. And thus, there may be more information needed to complete the story.

Nonetheless, it is critical to understand that we are allowed to feel whatever we feel; denying feelings and emotions only creates more pain and often transforms into physical illness (the result of stress and other physical and biological changes triggered by our emotions and perspectives.) It is also critical to note that the human brain processes emotional pain as it does physical pain. In other words, our brain cannot fully tell the difference between a physical injury or pain and an emotional injury or pain; emotional pain feels real and has an impact on our body.

Thus, denying the event or ignoring her pain would only make Karen feel worse, and result in repressed emotions which would eventually surface or would infect her other relationships.

The paradox is that it is critical to allow yourself to feel the full range of your emotions, (even the perceived negative emotions such as anger, guilt, shame, humiliation, desire for revenge, and so forth), but not to allow them to take root in you because they quickly infect you, your body, spirit, mind and your relationships.

Accordingly, the first step is to feel the emotions and the second step is to understand the many possible reasons the other person acted the way they did which helps you to release your emotions. Understanding and accepting the other person’s limitations and human fallibility does not imply allowing them to continue to treat you poorly nor does it imply denial of the severity of the event or subsequent action required on their part to heal the relationship or resolve the matter.

But it is crucial to understand:

Forgiveness sets the forgiver free before it sets free the person being forgiven.

The person that wronged us may not even be aware of our pain, may not care either way, or might not even be alive anymore to hear or receive our forgiveness.

In my article, “Why we refuse to forgive” I list some of the many, varied and surprising reasons we choose not to forgive. http://patrickwanis.com/blog/why-we-refuse-to-forgive/

Another reason not included in that list relates to Karen’s response and motivation: the power one gains from being a victim; the advantages and benefit of playing the victim.

When a person hurts us in any way, it is natural for us to feel powerless, and driven by ego, we might seek to regain that power – the feeling that we can no longer be controlled by the other person. One such way of feeling powerful is to play the victim.

It sounds contradictory, but, by being angry, blaming the other person, complaining, or justifying ourselves and our actions, we feel a sense of power. By playing the victim and blaming the other person, we generate attention for ourselves (interest, pity, empathy and so forth) but we also try to build ourselves up, compensate for our subconscious self-doubt, and we attempt to create significance and justification for our stance and actions (forcing our friends and colleagues to take sides and possibly test their loyalty to us.)

However, when we consciously choose to move out of victimhood and take responsibility for our lives and our next steps, we begin to feel truly powerful and in control.

And when Karen stated that her employer is “not significant enough” for her to forgive him, she was implying that the other person is not worthy or good enough for her to show compassion. Her harsh judgment of him, her lack of compassion for him, are direct reflections of the way she also treats herself – judging herself harshly, refusing to forgive herself or to be compassionate towards herself.

Again, it sounds contradictory, but all forgiveness begins with you – you need to learn to forgive, love and accept yourself first. You need to express compassion to yourself so that you can express it to others. “Love thy neighbor as thyself.”

And if you respond by saying that you are always forgiving towards others but not to yourself, take time to consider if you truly are forgiving to them or do you only do it to get their approval and acceptance. Do you really feel forgiveness towards them? Do you want and wish the best for them?

Finally, why is forgiveness so critical?

“Forgiveness is an acceptance of fault, and all that it means to be human. Forgiveness is the cornerstone of emotional healing.” – Narconon International – drug rehabilitation programs.

Are you important enough to forgive yourself and to experience real emotional healing?

Read more about forgiveness and victimhood here:

“Stopping the victim game”
http://patrickwanis.com/blog/stopping-the-victim-game/

“Victims never succeed”
http://patrickwanis.com/blog/victims-never-succeed/

“Why forgive?”
http://patrickwanis.com/blog/why-forgive/

“Why we refuse to forgive”
http://patrickwanis.com/blog/why-we-refuse-to-forgive/

“Overcoming resentment”
http://patrickwanis.com/blog/overcoming-resentment/

“Dealing with emotional vampires”
http://patrickwanis.com/blog/dealing-with-emotional-vampires/

You can post your comment on this newsletter below.

If this newsletter was forwarded to you and would like to receive all of my newsletters please enter your email address on the home page at PatrickWanis.com.

I wish you the best and remind you “Believe in yourself -You deserve the best!”

Patrick Wanis Ph.D.

Celebrity Life Coach, Human Behavior & Relationship Expert & SRTT Therapist
www.patrickwanis.com

First a quick update:

****  Teen takes on Seventeen, says magazine contributes to body image issues – The magazine marketed to teenagers continues to Photoshop and airbrush images of its teen models to create the perfect face and body. Now a teenager is taking on the magazine claiming it contributes to serious body-image issues. Read my quotes in the article on FoxNews.com: http://www.foxnews.com/entertainment/2012/05/08/teen-takes-on-seventeen-says-magazine-contributes-to-body-image-issues/

Now, let’s talk about the two secrets to finding and experiencing love.

From my book “Find Love Fast”:

http://patrickwanis.com/FindLoveFastBook.asp

Life can be confusing and complex at times. We can find ourselves befuddled by its many mysteries, wondering how our life turned out the way it did. Sometimes we can become sad and feel hopeless, wondering if any one will ever love us the way we want.

The good news is we are not powerless or helpless -no matter what is now going on in our lives or what we have experienced in the past.

One of my clients, Jill, came to me in desperation. After three years, Robert, her partner walked out on her. She was confused and deeply hurt. “I did nothing wrong. I loved him so much. I did everything he wanted. I gave everything to him. I cooked and cleaned for him. I know that no one will ever love Robert the way I did…”

Why would someone walk out on his partner if she loved him so much? Why would someone walk out if that person did everything he wanted?

Ironically, the mistake Jill made was that she did everything he wanted!

You might ask, “What is wrong with that?”

There is nothing wrong with wanting to make the other person happy. There is nothing wrong with wanting the best for the other person and wanting to please him or her. The problem arises when one does everything the other person wants and is thus no longer true to oneself.

Each and every one of us is unique and has his or her own desires, goals and dreams. If we do everything that the other person wants then there must be many times that we are not doing what we want. Instead of our relationship becoming a partnership, it becomes a relationship where one person lives only to serve the other. Many people talk about a dream of having someone serve them but when it actually happens in a romantic relationship or partnership, they lose respect for the other person.

Robert walked out on Jill, because she had already walked out on herself. Robert couldn’t love Jill, because Jill didn’t love herself.

Here then is Secret Number 1:

If you don’t love yourself, then the love you give is needy love, given in an attempt to fill an inner emptiness.

Robert felt Jill’s neediness. He felt her desperation. He sensed her desperate desire to do anything he wanted just to get him to love her. Ultimately, Robert lost respect for Jill and simply reflected to her what she believed about herself – she didn’t deserve to be loved.

We value that which is special and precious. When someone will do anything to win our love, then we no longer perceive that person as valuable or precious. We fall in love with and want to be with someone who knows what they want, is clear about what they want, believes that he or she is special and, follows and maintains their standards & principles. How could Robert believe that Jill is special when Jill didn’t believe she is special?

We want someone who loves us for who we are and wants to express their love to us without expecting something in return. We want someone who will express love to us because they love us and not because they are doing it desperately hoping that we will love them back or so that we can convince or prove to them that they are special and worthy.

Robert surely sensed that Jill was only expressing love to him and doing whatever he wanted so that he would love her back. When we behave that way, we are not expressing love. We are trying to make an exchange: “I’ll give to you if you give to me. I’ll love you if you love me. Ill forgive you if you forgive me.” 

When you will do anything to get someone to love you, you are asking them to convince you that you are lovable and no one can convince you of that – except you. Another person might help to inspire you to see the beauty in you but no one can convince you that you are special and beautiful unless you choose to do so. Later, in this book, I will share techniques with you to help you to see the beauty in you!

DESPERATE ENERGY

Have you ever met or know someone that is desperate and clingy? How do you feel around that person? Do you feel relaxed and calm around him or her, or do you feel uncomfortable? Do you want to spend time with that person or do you find yourself trying to escape as soon as possible?

We are sending out messages and signals all the time, even when we are not consciously aware of it. When we walk around with a long face, head down, stooped, even ashamed of who we are, how can we expect anyone to love us or respond to us in a positive way? When we are often angry, bitter or complaining, how can we expect anyone to want to spend time with us or be out on a date with us?

What kind of message and signals are you sending out to the people around you?

In the 2003 motion picture, “Bruce Almighty”, Jim Carrey plays an ungrateful television reporter. He is unhappy with almost everything in his life despite his popularity and the love of his girlfriend, Grace (played by Jennifer Aniston.) As things worsen for Bruce, he angrily ridicules and condemns God. And God appears and endows Bruce with divine powers with one limitation – he can’t affect free will. 

Subsequently, Bruce abuses his powers for his own selfish desires, creating havoc and worsening his life. In one scene in the movie, Bruce has spoilt a party and his relationship with Grace. He is now sitting on a sofa being soaked by the fire sprinklers.

God appears and sarcastically says, “Nothing like spending some time with real friends.” Bruce responds with, “Grace left me.” God says, “I know” and Bruce says, “She will take me back.” He pauses and is uncertain as he now makes it a question, “She will take me back?” And God says, “Would you take you back?” Bruce is starting to see the light: He says, “How do you make someone love you when you can’t affect free will?” 

We cannot make anyone love us and we can easily push someone away from us. Jill did the same with Robert. She believed if she just did whatever he wanted then he would love her. But Robert wanted to fall in love and be in a relationship with an authentic person who has integrity, not a slave or someone who doesn’t respect herself. If Jill couldn’t be true to herself, how could she expect Robert to be true to her?

This point leads us to the second secret:

To find love and create an extraordinary, loving and fulfilling relationship with anyone, you must first create an extraordinary, loving and fulfilling relationship with yourself.

The above sentence sounds impressive but how do we do create a fantastic relationship with ourselves?

If you would like to learn more about how to create a fantastic relationship with yourself and experience love, read my book: “Find Love Fast”

http://patrickwanis.com/FindLoveFastBook.asp

You can post your comment on this newsletter directly below.

If this newsletter was forwarded to you and would like to receive all of my newsletters please enter your email address on the home page at PatrickWanis.com.

I wish you the best and remind you “Believe in yourself -You deserve the best!”

Patrick Wanis Ph.D.

Celebrity Life Coach, Human Behavior & Relationship Expert & SRTT Therapist
www.patrickwanis.com

First a quick update:

****  The Law of Deservedness – watch the in-depth interview I give to Harrison Klein about the way we sabotage our lives when we don’t feel good enough. One viewer wrote to me “I was crying almost the whole way through the interview.” Watch it here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mgZFPLQ-K-c

****  Can Kevin Jonas’ marriage survive the reality show curse? – Read my quotes in the article on Celebuzz.com about the new reality show with Kevin Jonas and his wife and what I call the curse of the reality show and how it destroys relationships and marriages. http://www.celebuzz.com/2012-04-30/can-kevin-jonas-marriage-survive-reality-show-curse-expert-weighs-in-exclusive/
Also read my article “Reality shows lead to divorce”: http://patrickwanis.com/blog/reality-shows-lead-to-divorce/  and “The curse of the reality show”: http://patrickwanis.com/blog/index.php/curse-of-the-reality-show/

Now, let’s talk about the poison of perfectionism and its link to self-centeredness & narcissism.

The dictionary defines perfection as the state of being flawless, free from fault or defect. Perfection can also refer to achieving maturity (such as a wine ‘maturing to perfection’) or the quality or state of being saintly (again implying a state of flawlessness.)

The desire to achieve perfection usually begins in childhood with programming by parents who directly or indirectly reinforce the belief that the child is not good enough, and, never will be.

Do you engage in the following self-talk?

• I can’t do anything right
• I always mess up
• I am an idiot
• It’s not good enough
• I am not good enough
• Why can’t I do better?

The above self-talk are actually voices from the past. Remove the word “I” from each sentence and replace it with “You” and it is most likely the words of a parent spoken to a child.

Children have no control over what their parents will say or do and therefore are truly victims of the programming of their parents. However, today, children and adults are constantly being brainwashed into perfectionism by society – media, advertising and peers.

“How the ‘Chinplant’ has become the latest must-have for U.S teens wanting to dazzle on prom night” is one recent headline from the Daily Mail UK which also identified:

• 20,680 chin augmentations carried out in the U.S. in 2011
• Procedure grew more than breast augmentation, Botox and liposuction combined
• “71 per cent increase in the procedure being carried out in the U.S in the past year, with many of them being performed on high school girls desperate to look more glamorous than their peers.”

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2136858/Chinplant-latest-prom-night-U-S-teenagers.html

The pressure for perfectionism is coming from all angles.

Commercials, television shows magazine covers, and online articles reinforce directly and indirectly (consciously, subconsciously and subliminally) the requirement for physical perfection in the form of youth, beauty and arbitrary ideals. Even Dr. Oz in his television show recently featured the women from the Real Housewives of Orange County discussing their plastic surgery, thus glamorizing and promoting as the new standard, the belief that women must constantly look younger, and are therefore never good enough the way they are.

Various other TV shows are also often promoting various techniques and procedures for women to look younger, to remove wrinkles and even bags under the eyes.

Constant exposure to these images, ideas, ideals and practices reprograms one’s beliefs into thinking that this is what is expected and this is what one should be.

The result is that you believe that you are not good enough and you must be perfect – and in all areas of your life.

Madeline Levine, author of “The Price of Privilege: How Parental Pressure and Material Advantage Are Creating a Generation of Disconnected and Unhappy Kids” identifies that:

“In recent years, numerous studies have shown that bright, charming, seemingly confident and socially skilled teenagers from affluent, loving families are experiencing epidemic rates of depression, substance abuse, and anxiety disorders—rates higher than in any other socioeconomic group of American adolescents. Materialism, pressure to achieve, perfectionism, and disconnection are combining to create a perfect storm that is devastating children of privilege and their parents alike.”

The greatest victim of perfectionism is women.

Duke University, one of the highest-rated colleges in the US, in 2005, identified that its undergraduate women were entering the university with a high level of self-confidence, but were graduating 4 years later with eating disorders, increased rates of drug and alcohol abuse, stress-related illnesses, and an overall sense of insecurity and self-doubt. The social climate for women at Duke was described by one student as “effortless perfection” – women had to be not only academically successful, but also successful by all the traditionally female markers – thin, pretty, well-dressed, nice hair, nice nails – and of course, with no visible effort.

The losing battle to be perfect is exactly that – a battle – and the attempt to make it effortless only creates more pain, disillusionment and unhappiness.

Perfectionism leads to self-loathing, criticism and judgment. And as referenced above, it also leads to substance abuse, depression, anxiety and overall unhappiness and unfulfillment. The fear of not being able to be perfect or not being able to achieve perfection prevents people from even trying, creating helplessness and hopelessness; it destroys relationships – when you expect perfection from yourself, you also expect the same from others. And no one can ever live up to that expectation or demand.

One of the primary causes of perfectionism is self-absorption – obsessive self-consciousness and narcissism.

Stephen Bergman is a clinical therapist at Harvard Medical School and at the Stone Center at Wellesley College and co-author of “We Have to Talk: Healing Dialogues between Men and Women.” A former alcoholic, Stephen relates that his shift and moment of clarity occurred when he was listening to a teacher who opened his eyes when she revealed that self-centeredness is the basis of all psychological suffering.

This refers to when we choose to focus only on ourselves, falsely believing or creating the paradigm that the world and universe revolve around us; when we think that we are the most important person or creature on the planet; when we become the only focus in our world.

Social media encourages us to boast to the world what we are doing and how great we look; television shows and narcissistic celebrities such as Kim Kardashian and Paris Hilton promote greed, materialism and self-centeredness and; the media continually asks us to buy something so that we can be better looking or richer or more attractive – so that we can be perfect.

Of course, you must love and respect yourself. Of course, you must learn to forgive, love and accept yourself. And if you have experienced pain and trauma, you must also seek to heal yourself. But authentic self-love is not narcissism or self-centeredness; authentic self-love & appreciation leads to the desire to love, serve and help others. And as I reveal in the interview I give to Harrison Klein about the “Law of Deservedness” – “we need meaning and purpose in our life…and it comes from helping others.”

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mgZFPLQ-K-c

Avoid the poison of perfectionism by instead seeking completeness.

The oldest definition of ‘perfection’ comes from Aristotle who defined it three ways

1. Complete – contains all the requisite parts

2. So good that nothing of the kind could be better

3. Has attained its purpose

By seeking to live your purpose, to help others and to make a difference, you can feel complete and be free of the pain of perfectionism and the psychological suffering of self-centeredness!

Also read these articles:

You’ll never measure up: http://patrickwanis.com/blog/youll-never-measure-up/

What makes a woman ugly: http://patrickwanis.com/blog/what-makes-a-woman-ugly/

Are you good enough? http://patrickwanis.com/blog/are-you-good-enough/

You can post your comment on this newsletter below:

http://patrickwanis.com/blog/how-much-money-are-you-worth-deserve/

If this newsletter was forwarded to you and would like to receive all of my newsletters please enter your email address on the home page at PatrickWanis.com.

I wish you the best and remind you “Believe in yourself -You deserve the best!”

Patrick Wanis Ph.D.

Celebrity Life Coach, Human Behavior & Relationship Expert & SRTT Therapist
www.patrickwanis.com

First a quick update:

****  Hope – the greatest drug known to mankind – In a new series of video interviews that chronicle leaders and developments in the addiction recovery world presented by Milestones Ranch Malibu Treatment Center, I interview Stan McKnight, Interventionist, Certified Addictions Therapist and Admissions Director of The Palms Detox Center in West Palm, Florida, about medical detox for addiction, the significance of sleep and why he is renowned for being able to reach the toughest patient. Stan also reveals that addicts are always looking for a loophole about why they shouldn’t be getting better and says that the best insurance to prevent a user from relapsing is to help someone else. Watch what Stan (The Hope Dealer) says about the difference between denial and asking for help – how the ego gets in the way – and how he was once using alcohol to curb his fears. http://youtu.be/0TbfUyF2S7s

Now, let’s talk about taming the male and the new film “Think Like a Man.”

Grossing over $33 million dollars for its opening, “Think Like a Man” became the number one film at the US box office this past weekend. The romantic comedy tells the story of four women who are tired of failing in the dating scene and so they start to follow Steve Harvey’s advice to “act like a lady and think like a man.” But when the men realize that they are being manipulated, they turn the tables to teach their women a lesson.

Both the critics and the public generally find the movie to be hysterically funny; and it is – Kevin Hart who plays Cedric steals the show as a highly physical and witty comic. Of course, as expected with most Hollywood films, it features stereotypes where the women appear to be manipulating, nagging, controlling, pushy, long-term planners and the men act immaturely, evade and lie to get everything they want.

The movie covers all of the expected ‘types’: The Player, The Mama’s Boy, The Non-Committer, The Dreamer,  “The Woman Who is Her Own Man,” The Single Mom, and The 90-Day-Rule Girl.

Steve Harvey’s main point (the same one as The Rules book from 1995) is that women have to expect more from the arrested-development crowd; “If he hasn’t asked you to marry him, it’s because you haven’t required him to do so” says Steve Harvey in the movie. And he does briefly address the new trend of women settling on careers and moving up the ladder while men cling to childhood longer.

Kristen, the Ring Girl (played by Gabrielle Union) tosses out all the fanboy and fratboy collectibles belonging to her boyfriend of nine years, Jeremy, the Non-Committer (played by Jerry Ferrara.) Accordingly, she is seen as successful in forcing him to become who she wants him to be and to propose to her. In fact, each of the men in the film are portrayed as immature, bumbling types who only grow up and realize their potential with the help of their respective woman. Three of the male characters in the film almost immediately transform their former failing careers into success and new businesses with the help of their respective new female partner.

And thus, the message of the film that all of the critics and reviewers missed is:

Men will fail and will remain as eternal immature men unless women intervene and help them to mature, grow and realize their potential; the woman’s job and purpose is to tame the male.

In the romance novel, the underlying theme and message is that women seek to tame the alpha male (domesticating him and getting him to commit) while in the Hollywood romance film, the woman rescues the man from his immature childhood and nurtures him to responsible manhood (again domesticating him and helping him to realize his potential.) Take for example, the movie, “Wedding Crashers”, where Vince Vaughn and Owen Wilson play two immature womanizers who finally commit and are domesticated by the woman whom they each fall in love with.

While it is true that women fall in love with the potential of a man and seek to make him who and what they want him to be, it is also true (away from the Hollywood screen or romance novel) that in real life, women almost always fail in this venture and often walk away feeling disappointed and disillusioned. Read my article: “Why don’t you change?” http://patrickwanis.com/blog/why-dont-you-change/

Also read my article, “Beware of immature men” – http://patrickwanis.com/blog/beware-of-immature-men/

While there are various reasons why men don’t like to change (and will often respond defensively and aggressively to a woman’s desire to tame him), one of the reasons might be due to testosterone.

James Dabbs, Jr., Department of Psychology, Georgia State University, studied 4,462 men in 1990 and found that “the overall picture among the high-testosterone men is one of delinquency, substance abuse and a tendency toward excess…have more trouble with people like teachers while they are growing up, have more sexual partners, are more likely to have gone AWOL in the service and to have used hard drugs,” particularly if they had poor educations and low incomes.

Another reason men stay stuck in immaturity, fail to live up to their potential and often refuse to change might be due to paternal upbringing.

Richard Groves is an expert on male ritual, the male psyche and grief. As co-founder of the Sacred Art of Living Centre in Oregon, Richard believes that the male matures and his ego is tamed based on receiving life-tutoring and mentoring by another male starting at age 12; the older male teaches him about life, giving back, making a difference and living his purpose. Richard claims that untutored men react to the challenges of adulthood with anger, cynicism and violence.

As society continues to place greater emphasis on youth versus knowledge, experience & wisdom, men will continue to be stuck in phases of immaturity, avoiding responsibility and focusing only on materialistic, selfish and self-centered pursuits. Further confounding the situation is the modern woman who seeks to be like the immature male – the warrior – focusing only on conquering and amassing wealth and power but ignoring and unable to form a healthy family and relationships. Kim Kardashian and Paris Hilton are two such real life examples. In the movie, “Think Like a Man” Lauren (played by Taraji Henson) awakens to realize she will be alone all her life if she acts like a man and only focuses on career and conquest. But she is inspired to change only when the right man for her comes along – a man who opens her heart and eyes to what truly matters to her.

Of course, some women become confused, hurt and betrayed when their male partner refuses to change for them but then enters a new relationship with another woman and suddenly changes, becoming the man that she always wanted him to be.

The answer might be as simple as the words of Jack Nicholson (Melvin) to Helen Hunt (Carol) in the movie “As Good as It Gets” when he says:

“You make me want to be a better man.”

And feeling truly significant that she has inspired him to realize his potential, Carol responds:

“That’s probably the best compliment of my life.”

Melvin makes changes not because Carol asked him but because he wants to make them for her.

In other words, a man will change for the woman when he wants to change; she can inspire him but she can’t force, cajole or bully him into changing. A man can only be tamed; a man can only live to his potential when he is ready and willing.

Thus, to truly understand the admonition to “think like a man”, a woman must accept that she can’t tame the male unless he wants and until he is ready to be tamed.

You can post your comment on this newsletter below.

If this newsletter was forwarded to you and would like to receive all of my newsletters please enter your email address on the home page at PatrickWanis.com.

I wish you the best and remind you “Believe in yourself -You deserve the best!”

Patrick Wanis Ph.D.

Celebrity Life Coach, Human Behavior & Relationship Expert & SRTT Therapist
www.patrickwanis.com

First a quick update:

 
****  Compassion for addicts? – In a new series of video interviews that chronicle leaders and developments in the addiction recovery world presented by Milestones Ranch Malibu Treatment Center, I interview Jason Thomas, Admissions Coordinator for Milestones Ranch Malibu Treatment Center about the unique ways that Milestones helped him to achieve sobriety and become a better father. Jason had been through three other treatment centers before Milestones and says that Milestones’ warm, soft approach of kindness and genuineness helped him to face the truth about himself that he previously wasn’t willing to see. Jason also reveals how he found the door to freedom when he finally felt that he no longer had to hide from anyone and especially not from himself. http://youtu.be/2CQdQbx4Yfw

****  Lady Gaga and self-acceptance – She promotes self love when she sings “There’s nothing wrong with loving who you are” and “I’m beautiful in my way ’cause God makes no mistakes” but does Lady Gaga really accept herself and her body or does she fear rejection and is giving into the public’s expectations of her? Read my comments in the Fox News article:  http://www.foxnews.com/entertainment/2012/04/16/experts-call-lady-gaga-controversial-diet-tweets-hypocritical-and-cary/

Now, let’s talk about your worthiness; how much are you worth? How much do you deserve?

How much do you charge for your services? How much do you think you deserve to be paid or to receive? Why do some people feel happy and comfortable to charge high fees while others feel guilty charging or receiving anything at all?

Here is an excerpt from my book, “Smash your hidden beliefs – make more money now”:

Why do you deserve money? What makes you so special that you deserve money?

How did you feel and respond when you read the above two questions?

Re-read them now: Why do you deserve money? What makes you so special that you deserve money?

What do you believe it takes to make money, to hold onto money, to enjoy money? What makes you worthy of money and how much are you worth?

Let’s find out.

Let’s begin by writing out the answer to the question: Why do you deserve money?

Please don’t write this from your head. It’s critical to the success of the exercise to get into your feelings, your emotions. Thus, close your eyes and just relax and ask yourself, “Why do I deserve money?”

Write down whatever answer that comes to your mind. “Why do I deserve money?”  If your first answer is “Because I work hard” then I can almost guarantee that you saw your parents work hard to get money, and so do you know what’s going to happen to your world and reality? You’re going to be working really hard to make money. But this is how we uncover the beliefs. We have to start at this point and answer fully from the subconscious mind: “Why do I deserve money? Your answers will reveal what you feel about yourself, your sense of self-worth and value.

If you have low self-esteem, low self-value then that is what you will attract into your life: low value results, little money, crappy feelings.

Your outer world will reflect what you believe you are worth.

Undeserving
Why don’t you deserve money? This question is just as important as why you do deserve money, and no, it’s not a negative question.

Allow me to explain: By asking the question why don’t you deserve money, we force the subconscious mind to reveal what you feel and believe about your level of worthiness and deservedness regarding money. If you don’t feel or believe that you deserve money, then your results will be exactly that – you won’t get much money because you don’t feel you deserve it and you will be continually struggling and frustrated and broke or just never able to reach your conscious goals. When you change your beliefs from “I don’t deserve money” to “I do deserve money” you will also change your results.

There can be many reasons why you feel you don’t deserve money: You might feel guilty for something you did ten years ago; You might feel bad about something you did or didn’t do; You might feel resentful or bitter; You might be scared of something; you might be punishing yourself or even protecting yourself from further pain or judgment.

The exercise I would like you to do is to answer:

“Why don’t I deserve money? Why don’t I deserve lots of money? Why aren’t I worth more money?”

When doing any of these exercises, be aware of the difference between your conscious mind and your subconscious mind. In other words, keep asking yourself “What do I feel?”  For example, if I were to ask you to write out what you want now, you would most likely write something similar to: “I want a million dollars a year…I want a mansion in front of the ocean, I want this and I want that, etc.” And if I were to ask you to write what you believe you deserve, you might write out something similar to: “I believe I deserve a million dollars a year…I believe I deserve ten million dollars a year… I believe I deserve a mansion in front of the ocean, etc.” Now that’s okay and that’s nice, but is that what you really believe? The truth will only be revealed when you add feeling and get into the emotion. In other words: What do you feel you deserve?

If you want to know what you actually feel you deserve right now, look at your life. Just look around you. How much money are you making?  How hard are you working?  What’s happening in your life?  What do you experience to get money? How long does your money last? How often do unexpected things happen that suddenly make your money disappear?

I know this might be tough to read and swallow, but whatever is in your life right now, is simply a reflection of what you truly deeply want. Not what your conscious mind wants, but what your subconscious mind believes you deserve. Your subconscious mind leads you to that which you believe you deserve.

Let me explain that.

The process of manifestation, the way that we create things is really simple. Our thoughts and our feelings combine for us to take action, which creates their results.

Now, some people say that the thought comes first then the feeling, and then the feeling and the thought combine to create and take action, which then leads to results. But sometimes it’s the feeling. As a child, you might have just felt scared. Now, there might be thought that says, “It’s not safe to be alone, or it’s not safe to trust people, or I can’t give my money to people, or people will take my money, or people will steal my money”, but what is the feeling that you had? So some people fear the money, maybe because of added responsibility or maybe because there’s pain associated with money.

Thus the thought will also lead to a feeling. If you think to yourself, “I’m stupid and worthless”, then you will feel worthless. You’ll feel helpless, hopeless, or powerless, or a whole series of negative emotions, and then you will opt to take no action, or you’ll sabotage and push away whatever good comes to you.

Thus, whenever you’re thinking and feeling something good, you’re going to bring it to you. But also, when you’re thinking and feeling something bad, you’re also going to bring that to you. Have you noticed the people who always seem to have accidents? Maybe you just think that person is always clumsy or they’re always having accidents. What’s wrong with them? That’s what they focus on and their beliefs are being lived out. Our beliefs become like prophecies that come to pass.

-       from my book, “Smash your hidden beliefs – make more money now”

And if you would like to change your subconscious beliefs, use my audio program “Be Happy, Rich and Wealthy.” Click here: http://patrickwanis.com/HappyRichWealthy.asp

Or consider a private session to uncover and change your subconscious beliefs. Click here to learn more:

http://patrickwanis.com/PhoneConsultations.asp

You can post your comment on this newsletter directly below.

If this newsletter was forwarded to you and would like to receive all of my newsletters please enter your email address on the home page at PatrickWanis.com.

I wish you the best and remind you “Believe in yourself -You deserve the best!”

Patrick Wanis Ph.D.

Celebrity Life Coach, Human Behavior & Relationship Expert & SRTT Therapist
www.patrickwanis.com

What does Lady Gaga’s tweet say about America’s obsession with weight and body image?

“Nothing has changed – Dr. Oz recently featured “The Real Housewives of Orange County” discussing their plastic surgery, thus glamorizing and promoting, as the standard, the belief that women are never good enough the way they are. The national obsession with weight and body image will never cease until such time that Hollywood, advertisers and all celebrities unite and express sincerity and consistency about natural beauty and self-acceptance.” – Patrick Wanis PhD

Read the comments and expert analysis by Human Behavior Expert Patrick Wanis PhD in the Fox News article by Hollie McKay:  http://www.foxnews.com/entertainment/2012/04/16/experts-call-lady-gaga-controversial-diet-tweets-hypocritical-and-cary/

First a quick update:

****  How codependent people sabotage and enable addicts – In a new series of video interviews that chronicle leaders and developments in the addiction recovery world presented by Milestones Ranch Malibu Treatment Center, I interview John Stenzel, CEO and Executive Director of The Bridge to Recovery, about codependency, trauma, process addictions (compulsive caretaking, misery, workaholism, perfectionism, spending, etc) and chronic addiction relapse. John Stenzel reveals that The Bridge to Recovery deals with compounded traumas and behaviors that began in childhood (or are trans-generational) and that freedom occurs by getting to the root of the emotions that drive the behavior and dealing with those deeper emotions. Watch what John Stenzel says about codependency being more debilitating than drugs and alcohol combined and; why it is critical to treat the family of an addict. http://youtu.be/Y3nMGPnqALU

Now, let’s talk about people who talk incessantly, defensively or simply can’t listen.

Recently some friends of mine, a married couple were visiting and they were talking to another friend Jim, when suddenly, I noticed that they were literally talking at the same time. Jim would ask a question and the husband and wife would both answer, sometimes talking over each other, and other times just jumping in as if the other person didn’t even exist. It didn’t matter who was asked the question or who first answered the question, they would both attempt to answer or to tell the story – sometimes speaking for each other. It was as if they couldn’t hear each other and simply wanted Jim or anyone to listen and hear them individually.  And when the husband spoke or gave an opinion on a topic, he did so defensively, angrily and sometimes defiantly, almost as if he was trying to sell something or convince someone of his opinion and intelligence.

An observer might respond that this married couple is rude or that they don’t respect each other but, as I will reveal in a moment, rudeness or a lack of respect is not the real motivation here.

Meanwhile, in another instance, I was having a meeting when I noticed a similar occurrence with Julietta. She seemed to be talking incessantly as well as justifying herself in almost every moment. She was always excited in the way she spoke and yet she was also defensive and desperate to be heard. An observer might claim that Julietta is selfish, self-absorbed or worse, narcissistic. But again, this is not the real motivation or explanation.

A few years ago, the Montel Williams television show featured me working with people who suffer from explosive anger. One such woman, Tammy, a wife and mother, would often argue with her husband and repeatedly say to him:

“You don’t ever listen to me.”

Recognizing the real significance of those words and the reference to ‘never’, I asked Tammy on camera ‘Who didn’t listen to you when you were a child?’

“Nobody listened” she replied.

And there was the answer.

As a child Tammy never felt heard and thus as an adult she often tried harder to be heard – struggled to be heard – and her frustration from feeling that ‘nobody ever listens’ would result in outbursts of anger because of deeper subconscious beliefs about a lack of significance, low self-worth and a low level of deservedness. Also, each time that Tammy felt that someone wasn’t listening, it would unknowingly, subconsciously trigger old feelings of not being heard – possibly even ignored. (You can watch the video of the show here: http://youtu.be/9K5p75eh09E )

This was the same case with the first two examples mentioned above – the married couple and Julietta. None of their parents listened to them when they were children. The result is simple but critical.

When a child isn’t heard, he or she feels invisible and feels that her opinion and feelings don’t count; she concludes that she is not significant, intelligent, special or deserving. When a parent fails to give the opportunity to the child to speak up, to express her opinion or to simply be involved in the conversation, the child feels insignificant and feels as if she was never validated. This can also lead to deep feelings of insecurity and anxiety.

Accordingly, the child will spend the rest of her life one of two ways:

1. Living out the subconscious beliefs of insignificance, stupidity or worthlessness  by remaining quiet, submissive, rarely sharing her opinion, rarely speaking up for what she wants and afraid to freely express herself and her feelings
2. Doing the opposite by over compensating for never being heard – speaking incessantly, trying to control the conversation, trying to convince others of her intelligence and knowledge, being defensive or justifying her behavior and thus, struggling to prove herself as significant, intelligent and worthy of being heard; worthy of expressing her opinion and feelings.

Obviously, the answer to healing – releasing the subconscious emotions and dissolving the old subconscious beliefs – involves a process such as SRTT. (Learn more about SRTT here: http://patrickwanis.com/PhoneConsultations.asp ) However, here is one simple strategy to assist you if you are someone who was never heard as a child.

Listen to others.

You have probably heard the expression “give away what you want”; and yes, it sounds trite and kitsch. But in some cases, it is true and it works.

We want other people to listen to us so that we feel significant, worthy, special and meaningful (sometimes also loved and cared for.) We want other people to listen and hear us so that they can understand us. We want people to listen to us because it validates us and gives us credence and thus we feel accepted.

Accordingly, stop and slow down; practice listening attentively to the other person; practice hearing and becoming aware of the other person’s thoughts and feelings. Don’t talk over them; don’t give them advice; simply listen and let them speak freely and fully and then validate them, their opinion and their feelings. You don’t have to agree but simply listen and repeat to them their phrases so that it is clear that you understand them. Allow them to fully and freely express themselves.

Why is this beneficial to you?

The person that never listened to you most likely grew up the same way – without anyone listening to him or her. They didn’t know how to validate you, how to demonstrate interest in you or how to encourage you to express yourself & all of your thoughts and feelings. However, when you begin to do to others what your parents didn’t do to you, you begin to create a new subconscious belief about being heard and about the significance of each person’s feelings, thoughts and self-expression; it encourages you to do the same to yourself – become aware of your own thoughts and feelings – to accept them, embrace them and give them significance.

Again, this will not fully heal or clear out all of your issues relating to the desire to be heard, but you will feel better and people will respond to you in a more positive and welcoming manner. Instead of turning off people, you will become more appealing and more inviting to others.

You can comment on this newsletter  directly below.

If this newsletter was forwarded to you and would like to receive all of my newsletters please enter your email address on the home page at PatrickWanis.com.

I wish you the best and remind you “Believe in yourself -You deserve the best!”

Patrick Wanis Ph.D.

Celebrity Life Coach, Human Behavior & Relationship Expert & SRTT Therapist
www.patrickwanis.com

First a quick update:

****  Addiction denial — the addict and the family all need help – In a new series of video interviews that chronicle leaders and developments in the addiction recovery world presented by Milestones Ranch Malibu Treatment Center, I interview Pat Moomey, an addiction interventionist and life coach (with 28 years experience intervening to help people and families suffering from addiction), about how an intervention works. Pat Moomey reveals how she convinces people (who are in denial) that they need help; watch what Pat Moomey says about the entire family being in denial. Watch here: http://youtu.be/Fg3C-hVCmjY

Now, let’s talk about the four money personalities and their significance. Which one are you?

One of the top two causes of divorce is arguments over clashing values and beliefs about money. When entering marriage or relationship, few people stop and sit down to ponder what their values and deep, hidden beliefs are about money and sex.

Here is an excerpt from my book, “Smash your hidden beliefs – make more money now”:

A few years ago, a 20/20 TV investigative documentary set out to determine some of the values that people have regarding money. It identified that people can be divided into four money types or personalities:

1. Spender
2. Avoider
3. Saver
4. Money monk

The Avoider runs away from money, runs away from all financial responsibility, doesn’t want to think about taxes, doesn’t want to think about bills.

The Saver wants to save up money for the rainy day. Did you notice what I just wrote?  Save money for the rainy day. Where did I get that phrase from? If you know that expression, you got it from the same place – from your parents. You probably heard them say, “You’ve got to save money for a rainy day.” What is that teaching you? Expect problems, expect failure, expect disaster, expect misery, and so you better not spend that money. You better keep preparing for that day because it’s going to come.

The third money type is The Spender: the person who goes out to spend money like crazy, and usually ends up in huge debts, or loses whatever money he or she has.

The fourth money type is The Monk. The money monk is the spiritual person that believes that all money is all bad: “We shouldn’t have money because God wouldn’t want us to have money. We should be pure and purity means no money, no wealth, no abundance.”

Let’s look at all these four types and be aware that you might be more than just one of them. For example at one time, I was an Avoider and I was also a Saver.

All of these four types come from one thing: fear.

The avoider avoids paying bills, doing taxes. Why?  Fear: “There isn’t enough. I can’t face this. It’s too much for me, etc.”

The saver saves out of what?  Fear: “I can’t spend that money right now because it may not be enough.”

The spender acts with a different kind of fear and emotion. They try to fill in their emptiness:  “I’m not good enough. I have to buy more. I’m trying to escape other emotions, other hurtful feelings and pain. I’ll keep spending.” That’s what an addiction is. Drugs, alcohol and even spending addictions are the same thing – a way to avoid a pain that you have; a way to try to avoid yourself, escape from yourself, or you’re so deadened and numbed you engage in an activity that gives you a rush so that you can try to feel alive.

The fourth type, the money monk, also acts out of fear: fear of disappointing or betraying God: “I must be spiritual. I must be pure. I cannot make money. I cannot be rich. I’m not allowed to make money because God would want not me to do so. And if I do make lots of money, God might punish me or not reward me. I have to suffer, etc.”

Now, it’s time to smash some of these beliefs, right here, right now: the Money Monk belief –the belief that money is bad and impure – not of God.

Moses and King Solomon were two of the richest people in Biblical history. If you research them, you will be amazed by how tremendously rich Moses and Solomon were. King Solomon was said to be one of the richest man that ever lived. What did he pray for?  Did he pray for more money?  No. He prayed for wisdom. He already had the money, but it wasn’t the money that was Solomon’s challenge that led to his downfall but rather his lack of wisdom by allowing his foreign wives to influence him.

Therefore, if you treasure and prize being spiritual or religious, note that God doesn’t say that you’re not allowed to have money. Someone might have told you that God said you’re not allowed to have money. Why would people teach that to you?

Look at your own situation and you will quickly realize from where those beliefs came. Most of the teachings that say you’re not allowed to have money come from a place of fear and the desire to control. For example, some people who have more money than you might feel that they can control you, that they have some sort of power over you. The origins of taxing reveal a desire to control.

Nowhere in the Bible does it say that you’re not allowed to have money. What counts is what are you going to do with that money?  If you’re going to use it for selfish reasons, if you’re going to use it as power over people, if you’re going to put other people down, then obviously, you’re not using money the right way.

Most people who think the bible is against riches and wealth, refer to one of Jesus’ sayings:

“It is easier for a camel to pass through a needle’s eye than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God” (Matthew 19:24)
This saying continues to stir controversy and anxiety for many people. The apostles themselves were disturbed. But most people misunderstand the meaning of Jesus’ words. Jesus was not saying that rich people are bad or evil but rather that wealth can be an insurmountable obstacle if you become so attached to it that it consumes and overpowers you. It’s true that Jesus told a young man to sell all he had, give the money to the poor and literally follow him. But Jesus did not give the same command to every rich person that he met. In fact, the Gospels reveal that Jesus accepted many invitations to rich people’s homes.
In one incident, in a rich Pharisee’s house Jesus instructs his audience that when they invite people, they should invite the poor, the crippled, the lame and the blind, those who cannot repay the host. (Luke 14: 12:14).

Wealthy choices

You have the power to choose in very moment. You can choose to do good with lots of money or you can choose to do bad. Imagine for a moment, if you will that you became someone as wealthy as Warren Buffet or Bill and Melinda Gates. What would you do with that amount of money?

Some people think rich people are greedy, but Warren Buffet, just a couple of years ago, started to give away 85% of his sixty-two billion dollar empire. Where did he give it to? Most of it he gave it to The Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation. Why? The foundation is using that money to help causes such as fighting HIV and AIDS, fighting other diseases, trying to improve schools and libraries. This foundation and Bill and Melinda Gates are putting their money to good use.

I like to think of it this way: It’s much easier for me to help you, to bring you up the ladder, if I’m already at the top of the ladder, rather than trying to push you up. So, if I have a lot of money I can actually help you. So yes, you can do charitable deeds with money. You don’t have to be poor to be pure in the heart or to be pure in the eyes of God. Both rich and poor people can be greedy, selfish, mean and nasty. How you choose to live your life and the way that you choose to spend your money or the way you enjoy your money is up to you, it’s a personal choice.

-       from my book, “Smash your hidden beliefs – make more money now”:

And if you would like to learn more about your personality or your partner’s personality, take the personality test. Click here:

http://patrickwanis.com/WhoAreYouPersonalityTest.asp

You can post a comment on this newsletter below.

If this newsletter was forwarded to you and would like to receive all of my newsletters please enter your email address on the home page at PatrickWanis.com.

I wish you the best and remind you “Believe in yourself -You deserve the best!”

Patrick Wanis Ph.D.

Celebrity Life Coach, Human Behavior & Relationship Expert & SRTT Therapist
www.patrickwanis.com

But what if hundreds of Americans got it wrong and Zimmerman isn’t a racist? What if his real motivations were power, control, significance, meaning and recognition? What if that is what ultimately fueled the tragic death of Trayvon Martin?

Read the full article by Patrick Wanis PhD published on FoxNews.com here:
http://www.foxnews.com/opinion/2012/03/29/what-if-zimmerman-wasnt-motivated-by-race/

Also read the article by Patrick Wanis PhD “Lessons from an alleged hate crime”:
http://patrickwanis.com/blog/lessons-alleged-hate-crime/

You can post your comments on the FOX News article below.

First a quick update:

****  Creativity without drugs - In a new series of video interviews that chronicle leaders and developments in the addiction recovery world presented by Milestones Ranch Malibu Treatment Center, I interview Pete Martinez, renowned country music artist (who also performed for President Bush and Vice President Cheney during the Wyoming Inaugural party in Washington, D.C. on January 19th 2005) about the difference between performing sober and performing while on drugs. Pete also addresses the challenge many people suffering from addiction face based on the fear of self-expression and judgment. Watch it here: http://youtu.be/TZC_po68nto

Now, let’s talk about the 3 lessons to be gleaned from the alleged hate crime of George Zimmerman who killed an unarmed black teenager.

.

For people who live outside of the US: George Zimmerman, 28, a self-appointed volunteer neighborhood watch captain, admitted to shooting 17-year-old Trayvon Martin last month. Martin was leaving a convenience store when Zimmerman who believed him to be suspicious called 911.  Zimmerman went on to claim that the teen started to run and that Zimmerman was following the boy; the dispatcher told him, “We don’t need you to do that.”

But Zimmerman ignored the directive and he pursued and eventually shot to death Martin who was unarmed.

Zimmerman’s representatives asserted that he was acting in self-defense, but the incident has become a racially charged story due to allegations of hate crime, racial profiling associated with the shooting, and the local police’s handling of the investigation. No charges have been made against Zimmerman and rallies across the country have been staged in support of Martin and demanding the arrest of Zimmerman.

However, the response has been extreme with people demanding more than justice – some are demanding revenge: The New Black Panthers Party has offered a $10,000 reward for the “capture and citizen’s arrest” of George Zimmerman.

Fox News Channel commentator Geraldo Rivera suggested that a hoodie worn by Martin was as much responsible for his death as the neighborhood watch captain who shot him. Rivera’s son said he was ashamed of his father’s words and subsequently, Rivera apologized for the comment. Rivera was also probably unaware that The National Rifle Association sells ‘Concealed Carry’ hoodies for concealing mid-size pistols. And Congressman Bobby Rush (D-IL) was asked to leave the House chamber after taking off his suit jacket and revealing that he was wearing a hoodie during a speech in tribute to Martin.

Meanwhile, movie director, Spike Lee, tweeted an address he believed to be for George Zimmerman but it was the address of an elderly couple in their 70s, who fearing for their life, fled their home and is currently hiding in a hotel.

There is no doubt that racism exists – in Kansas, three weeks ago, two black teens chased a white teen and poured gasoline on him and set him on fire stating “You get what you deserve, white boy” – but there was no mass outrage – and even less media publicity or mention of it.
http://www.kmbc.com/news/30572405/detail.html

Black singer and performer Chris Brown is still today being highly ostracized and condemned for assaulting his girlfriend Rihanna almost three years ago. But there was not and has not been any outrage after Charlie Sheen pleaded guilty to assaulting his then wife Brooke Mueller also three years ago.

1. Bias and prejudice affects us all

The lesson here is that we are bias; we are prejudice. We see the world through our own filters, our own programming, experiences, beliefs and insecurities – regardless of our skin color, race or creed. Why did the majority of us give Charlie Sheen a free pass while condemning Chris Brown for the same actions of violence against women?

Studies reveal that we actually ignore the facts when they are contrary to our point of view. Read my article “Bias, prejudice & domestic violence”
http://patrickwanis.com/blog/bias-prejudice-domestic-violence/

Harvard University created a special test to determine subconscious beliefs surrounding race and prejudice. You can take the Harvard Racist Test here:
https://implicit.harvard.edu/implicit/demo/takeatest.html

Other studies in neuro-science also reveal that we will change our responses when we hear or learn that the majority of the group gave a different answer than ours; an area of pain or discomfort is triggered in our brain. In other words, we are easily influenced by the group – the masses – the majority. Accordingly, we need to be vigilant as individuals about our own responses, our own thoughts and feelings and beware of being swayed by the majority opinion.

This leads to second lesson:

2. We are controlled by our emotions

Subconscious emotions of which we are not consciously aware control us. Some of our responses are also neurologically hardwired such as “Fight or Flight” a survival mechanism that kicks in whenever we feel threatened – our body automatically prepares for physically defensive action or it prepares us to flee from the danger.

Often we pride ourselves on believing that because we are civilized and technologically advanced people, we are therefore more rational and more in control of our lives and thoughts than people who might be from primitive cultures, low-income nations or poverty-stricken areas. But all humans are subject to the same range of emotions and we can all potentially be held captive by them; in the US, 10% of the population suffers from depression and antidepressants are the most prescribed drug in the US.

3. Take a personal inventory

Thus, the greatest lesson here is to emphasize the necessity for each and every one of us to look in our hearts and evaluate the way we respond and the judgments we make in every moment regarding everything and everyone in our lives; to beware of committing the same offenses that we accuse others of doing – offenses of bias, prejudice, bigotry, racism, favoritism, misogyny, misandry, and so forth; to beware that we don’t simply follow the crowd and make those same grave errors and offenses.

You can comment on this newsletter below.
If this newsletter was forwarded to you and would like to receive all of my newsletters please enter your email address on the home page at PatrickWanis.com.

I wish you the best and remind you “Believe in yourself -You deserve the best!”

Patrick Wanis Ph.D.

Celebrity Life Coach, Human Behavior & Relationship Expert & SRTT Therapist
www.patrickwanis.com