How to get over it: Getting rid of emotional baggage

How to get over it Getting rid of emotional baggage

How to get over it Getting rid of emotional baggage

An article written for MSN and Match.com

 

Getting rid of our emotional baggage

By Patrick Wanis PhD, Human Behavior & Relationship Expert and Clinical Hypnotherapist

 

 

“The greatest joy and happiness we will ever receive will come from our relationships with other human beings. Our greatest pain and disappointment will also come from those relationships.

 

Every one of us has experienced some pain or hurt in our life as a result of a relationship or a friendship. Maybe we were betrayed, rejected or dumped.

 

Maybe your boyfriend or girlfriend woke up one morning and said, “I don’t love you anymore” or “I think we should just be friends”, “I have found someone else”, “I have been having an affair” or “We are just not suited.” Or maybe he or she just packed her bags and disappeared. Or maybe you broke off the relationship because you couldn’t stand being treated so poorly, you couldn’t stand the pain, the hurt or betrayal.

 

Either way, the pain and loss can be almost devastating, particularly if we had future plans with this person that have now been shattered, or if our identity and self-worth was tied to this person.

 

And so, now we find ourselves filled with anger, resentment, or bitterness. We are broken-hearted, have lost all of our confidence, we feel life is hopeless, and we have almost no self-esteem. Maybe we can’t sleep, we overeat, and we obsess, or every time we think of that person we cry or feel sick in the stomach, become angry or depressed. Maybe as a result of that pain and hurt we have isolated ourselves and can no longer trust others or get close to people.

 

Our friends tell us “Just get over it” but we have no idea how to do that.

 

What does it mean to get over it?

 

How do we let go of the past and all the pain and emotional injury? How do we forgive the person who has cheated on us, betrayed us or done some other wrong to us? How do we set ourselves free so we can love and trust another person? How do we reclaim our personal power? How do we find once again, self-confidence, love, joy and happiness? How do we regain our self-worth and self-esteem? How do we get over it?

 

In this book, I will answer all these questions and give you the keys to finding love and happiness once again.”

 

Excerpt from “How to Get Over it – breakups, betrayals and rejection” by Patrick Wanis PhD

 

We stopped to ask Human Behavior & Relationship Expert and Clinical Hypnotherapist, Patrick Wanis PhD for a few simple insights into how to get rid of emotional baggage…

 


1. Why is it so hard for us to get over our past romantic hurts?

PW: A truly romantic connection & relationship affects, impacts and absorbs us physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. The more we attach to the other person, the harder it is for us to get over them: i.e. if our identity, self-worth and future were tied to this person, then it becomes even more difficult to get over him or her.”

 


2. What’s the first step to getting over them? Why?

PW: The first step to getting over him or her is to separate your emotional issues from his/hers. In other words, accept responsibility for your actions but don’t accept responsibility or blame yourself for the way he/she chose to respond to you. You are not to blame if your partner cheated on you, became an alcoholic or a gambler. Each one of use makes the individual choice about how we will treat the other person and ourselves. Until such time as when we accept that they did what they did because of who they are and we did what we did because of who we are, then we will continue to chase them, trying to prove ourselves to them, to get their approval, forgiveness and acceptance.

 

 

 

3. What’s the most effective way to purge the bad memories and troubling issues?
PW: As a Human Behavior Expert and Clinical Hypnotherapist, and based on success with my clients, I believe the most effective way to purge the bad memories and troubling issues is to delve into the subconscious mind (via hypnosis) to uncover your patterns and the hidden belief about yourself that led you to be attracted to this person and; to help your subconscious mind to release the pain and understand that the painful event is over and not happening anymore. Most of us stay stuck in the pain because we do not consciously realize that our subconscious mind which has no idea of time, keeps playing the event in a loop and so we keep re-experiencing it. Hypnotherapy helps to cut that loop and create new beliefs that we can safely be loved and love again.

 

 

 

4. If we don’t get rid of this old baggage, what impact can it have on future romances?
PW: Unknowingly, we always take the past with us into future relationships. When we don’t clear out the pain, bitterness, resentment or judgments about ourselves and the other gender, then we naturally project that onto the next romance, and we and our new partner then pay the price of the past painful experiences and the hurtful, unhealthy pattern keeps repeating.

 

 

 

5. If you could only give one piece of advice to someone trying to get over their past loves, what would it be and why?

PW: Forgive your ex and yourself; you can forgive him/her without condoning their actions and without having to let them back into your life. When you learn to forgive your ex and yourself, and as you learn more self-love, then you clear your heart, mind and soul and you are free to love again.

 

 



 

 

 

About Patrick Wanis

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23 Responses to “How to get over it: Getting rid of emotional baggage”

  1. sarah says:

    i’ve been trying to forgive and move on for the past whole year… it has been extremely hard to trust other people including people who are very close to me, i’m afraid i’ve eventually just trusted myself.

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  2. Patrick says:

    Dear Sarah,

    forgiveness is one of the hardest things for all of us; while it shouldn’t be because we all need forgiveness, we often use a lack of forgiveness as a way to protect ourselves. In numerous audio books of mine, i explain the multiple reasons we choose not to forgive. (“Secrets to losing weight, being thin and loving your body” – yes, weight is all about negative emotions; “Secrets to getting over it” – this is a new audio book which should be up on my website in the next seven days.)
    You also mentioned the inability to trust – what you are subconsciously saying is you do not trust yourself – you do not trust your own judgment. Ultimately, we all know in a matter of moments (subconsciously) what the other person will do but we don’t listen to our own intuition or we choose to ignore the signs and red flags because of our fear – fear that maybe we won’t find anyone else, that we will be alone, etc. I knew from the beginning that one of my girlfriends would cheat on me – I knew it in a blink of an eye but i chose to ignore it and yes, she did it.

    Learn from whatever mistake you made and forgive yourself! If you made a bad judgement, learn from what you did wrong so that you don’t repeat that mistake!

    Also, ask yourself what is the benefit of not forgiving the other person. How does it protect you, serve you or benefit you?

    May I humbly suggest you use my hypnosis CD “Getting over it”…it will help you to let go, move on and forward, forgive and open your heart to love again. it will also help to raise your self-esteem and self-confidence.

    I wish you the best,

    Patrick

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  3. Sarah says:

    Been in a realtionship for over 8 years. He now getting redy to retire wants to brake it off. We both have been married before – what can I do to get this realtionship back on track? He is worth he is a good man.

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  4. Dana says:

    I was in a relationship for over 2 years. I was 18 when my ex and i got together so i was young and naive. Throughout the relationship i went through mental, physical, emotional & verbal abuse, but i thought that was normal and i guess i didnt exactly know that it was abuse. He also cheated on me, was and alcoholic and a drug addict. I have so much pain stemming from this relationship and we have been broken up for about a year and a half now. Ive been in a few relationships after that one and none of them lasted over 2 months. I am currently in a relationship we have been together 9 months now but lately its been getting rough. I need to get rid of these emotional problems & i probably dont even know half of the problems that i have. My boyfriend now tells me im needy & i know that i am. I sometimes feel abandoned & unloved & unwanted even though he always assures me that i am. It was very hard for me to open up to him. I always nag at him and he says no matter what he does he doesnt seem good enough because i always want more attention more affection more everything or else im not happy. Please help me out or at least let me know somewhere that i could get help at for free im sick of being like this and feeling like this. Thank you

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  5. Dear Sarah,

    I need more information about your partner and your relationship so that I can give you some help and advice. It seems very strange that your relationship was a happy one and then suddenly when it is time to retire, he decides to break it off. There must be more going on here…tell me and I can help.
    All the best,
    Patrick

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  6. Dear Dana,
    I am sorry that you are experiencing such pain.
    It sounds to me like you were never loved as a child and you were either directly abandoned or you experienced “abandonment” as a child – your parents were either not often around, they were busy or simply didn’t notice you and you felt invisible and unloved. I am also guessing that you did not recieve a lot of of physical love and affection.

    Accordingly, you are now trying to get what you didn’t get as a child and also you are trying to feel loved but you also feel deep down that you are not loveable.

    You also mentioned that in your 2 year relationship you “went through mental, physical, emotional & verbal abuse, but i thought that was normal and i guess i didnt exactly know that it was abuse.” Even if you were not abused as a child (mentally, physically or verbally) you are probably still suffering from the pain of what you experienced in this adult relationship.

    I am not sure where you are based but I wonder if this service might help you http://www.manataka.org/page153.html I have no references on it but I did Google it for you. Alternatively, I am willing to help you by giving you a phone session – at no charge – a gift because I can feel your pain. Use my contact page on my website to reach me if you are serious.

    All the best,
    Patrick

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  7. Elis says:

    Dear Dr. Wanis,

    I have been brosing your site as well as the various tools you have that i am convinced will help me with letting go emotional baggage and pain as well as gaining confidence and self esteem. Please request an ebook that you believe will help me as i would like to purchase one under your recommendation. Below is more detail of the specific pain and emotional baggage i would like to overcome.

    I was in a very passionate relationship when i was young, 17, where i believe i feel in love within a matter weeks.It was towards the end of summer. Soon after, he went pretty far away for Univesity after we fell in love (he was older than me, 22). We called each other once a week, but slowly i could tell that he was no longer interested as he no longer called. By Feburary i hadnt seen him for three months. It was really a painfull experience for me because i literally could feel him become more distant, and slip through my fingers despite the fact i made a huge effort to keep the relationship alive. Finally i broke up with him in Feburary because i could longer deal with feeling so neglected, used and undesirable- i had tolerated it for months. Despite the fact i broke up with him, i felt he had abandoned me and rejected me long before.

    A couple years later we met again and this time he tried reallly hard to make me feel special- he appologized for the past, and treated me very well. We had a great, loving relationship for two years. The problem is that i still have a lot of pain from our previous relationship where i felt abandoned and rejected. It has made it impossible for us to stay together because i always fear he will abandon me again, theres some resentment, hurt, i feel undesirabe at times ect. Instead of ‘getting over him”, i want to get over the pain, forgive him, and forgive as well as understand the past.

    I also am aware i have abandonment issues from my parents (i’m the middle child) and didn’t recieve a lot of attention as a child. Furthermore, when i started going through puberty my dad emotionaly and physically distanced himself from me and my sisters and my mom. I would like to forgive my parents, especially my father and move forward. Maybe develop a relationship with him that is loving.

    In terms of the confidence and self esteem issues, im not sure of the root source however i know that when i was in a relationship with the man i spoke of above, every now and then he would ‘check out’ other beautiful curvy women in front of me which created insecurities (or undercovered insecurities) that i never knew i had. I always thought i was pretty confident in my appearance and self in general, but this specific experience has made me feel inadequate as a female as i now obsess about my small breasts and hips.

    Any advice that you can offer on this blog, as well as suggestions on which CDs or ebooks (i rather purchase books) would be greatly appreciated. I love your site and will stay tuned. Thank-you so much,

    Greatest regards,
    Elis

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  8. Dear Elis,

    before you even mentioned it, I knew that your pain with this man is actually the pain of abandonment from childhood. In the second paragraph, you said that you felt “neglected, used and undesirable” and I humbly believe that this is what you felt with your father and you took on the belief that this is your identity. May I humbly recommend starting with the Getting over it package (click here – http://patrickwanis.com/getoverit_package.asp ) I would also humbly suggest considering a session with me which we can do over the phone. I am not sure what your budget is at present. Nonetheless, the goal is to help you understand at an emotional level that you are adequate as a female, that whatever your father did and did not do had nothing to do with you – you were not the cause of his actions, it was not your fault and there is nothing wrong with you. It’s OK to feel that old pain but it’s even better, so much more rewarding to let it go.
    As soon as you understand that you are loveable and worthy and special, you will feel differently about yourself and you will have a new dynamic with this man.
    All the best and please let me know how much and how fast you progress.
    Patrick

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  9. Della says:

    I went from one long term, loveless relationship into another relationship immediately after supporting my mother through a family crisis, my father’s infidelity and her subsequent depression and near nervous-breakdown that persists until today. I put my sister back in school after she dropped out and graduated with honors from college. afterward, i moved away from home and tried living with my now-husband overseas. i found out that his parents had been telling him to break up with me for years, while at the same time pretending to support me emotionally and physically and getting me to leave my parents for my now-husband while i was still in college. They even tried to get me to transfer college from my own country to theirs before i graduated, and only my mother’s advice kept me home. when i finally moved over due to their persuasions, their support suddenly disappeared and i was left alone in a foreign country in a loveless marriage with puppetmasters behind my husband’s and my every move, and my mother and sister heartbroken from me leaving them behind. my husband financially, emotionally and physically abused me, then used immigration to try and get me to return to his country where he abused me more and turned his family friends against me. Should I divorce him? It seems like we were never in a relationship at all.

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  10. Dear Della,

    thank you for writing me and openly sharing your story.
    You asked a very significant question: “Should I divorce him?”

    We often change our behavior (i.e. make new decisions) when the pain is too much – we associate pain with our husband/wife/partner etc in the past, present and future. In other words, when all you can imagine is pain with your partner be it in the past, present or future, then that pain motivates us too change as we seek and believe that there is more pleasure with a new relationship or new approach.

    If you have experienced financial, emotional and physical abuse from your husband, then the real question is why did you choose to stay in this relationship and what conversations and help you have both sought out regarding the abuse?

    All the best,
    Patrick

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  11. Benna says:

    Dear Doc,

    Here’s the situation. The demise of my marriage apparently began in 2002. I moved out of our bedroom and into the guest room because I didn’t feel worthy enough to tell my husband to leave. Our fights were wicked and mostly through words, but he’d spit in my face and tell me I didn’t deserve to be a mother and that I’m disgusting and vile. Before I left our bedroom, he admitted to not loving me at least a year prior of my separating our bedrooms.
    I was crushed. I also knew that he had been having an emotional affair with the mother of a child on the soccer team he coached. In fact, a lot of these soccer moms developed a crush on him as if they were school girls.
    He relished the attention, but it was killing me. I shared my pain with him and he looked at me like I was nuts and continued to carry on with these stay home soccer moms. It didn’t help that he worked in our house and I was teaching from 7:00-3:25. He have lunch with these women, and when we showed up for school events, those very same women would run up to him, being touchy and overly friendly, and they never spoke a word to me. Not even “Hi.”
    2003, we cruised Alaska. I wanted to jump ship- his family treated me like I was no one they knew. I stayed in the cabin the rest of the trip and one afternoon he raped me, said “F you” and walked out the cabin.
    I used to believe he was my angel sent from Heave. I really loved him. He refused to accept that in the aftermath of slanderous words, false acusations by the “soccer mom’s” here we are in 2011 dragging out this divorce. He’s paid over $15,000 to rid himself of me. Simply put he took our kids college funds and handed them to his attorney.
    I don’t believe he ever loved me. I only believe he wanted kids. He never and still refuses to tell me if he was lying at the alter and if our marriage was just a farce.
    I can’t seem to accept he wants me out of his life. It so hard to grasp that inclination. I’m continually asking him for closure by telling me why he married me in the first place. I also want to ask him why he had an emotional affair which eventually turned into a physical one.
    I’m in such pain and have little to no support system.

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  12. Isabel says:

    Dear Dr. Wanis,
    I am currently in a relationship that has made me realize that I have too much baggage from past prelateships that I must get rid of.

    When I was 17 I moved out of my parents house due to problems with my mother and also because they were planning to move overseas. At 20 I meat a guy who not only was mentally abusive but physically abusive as well, I stayed with him for almost 2 years because he was older and I noticed that my family looked at me and thought I had become more responsible and not the crazy teenager they were used too.

    After I split from him I dated a guy that showed me that I could do wrong and not be physically and emotionally punished for committing human mistakes such as spilling a drink or even burning dinner. I found myself doing these things on purpose to see the new guys reaction and time after time he still treated me with respect. After 2 years of being together I found myself falling in love with him and trusting him completely. We spoke of marriage of children and of a future together. Three years into the relationship I was feeling very secure, I was in love with a man that I thought was my true soul mate, only to find out that he had an affair that lasted months.

    I broke it off with him, and he kept trying to come back until I gave in and told him that if he did that he would have to do some major changes. He did… for a year he was the person I fell in love with, but still something inside me was broken. I couldn’t get past what he did.

    We stayed together for 10 years we got married and we separated last March. After our separation I found out that the reason he was asking for space was because he had found someone new that he had been with months before our split. I also found out that he was constantly cheating on me throughout our marriage.

    I never think of getting back with him even when the break up was fresh. I always assumed that there reason I felt so much better when he left was a sign that I was not supposed to be with him. The years before our split I had become very depressed, tried to commit suicide a few times, lost our house and gained close to 100 pounds. Of those 100 pounds I only have 40 more to go till I’m back to my normal weight. I feel attractive most of the times and I fell happy and blessed that I am here even though I went through so much pain.

    I thought I was over all of the above things from my past two relationships, but I often feel that this great guy is saying things just to play games with me. That he will eventually cheat on me, that he will eventually leave me. He does ALL that he says, his actions speak so loudly. There isn’t a day that goes by that he doesn’t want to see me. He calls me a week in advance to make plans. What wrong with me? Just yesterday he started saying how his cousin’s wife didn’t do anything at home, how she waits for her husband to get home so he could cook. I got so defensive I asked him “well how many guys do you know that doesn’t do anything at home either I don’t see you mentioning that”. He dropped the subject and tried to lighten the mood, but the damage was done all the feeling and thoughts from my physically abusive relationship came rushing back. He said something sweet to me and I snapped back. I felt terrible, so so terrible, I apologized but I knew that I shouldn’t have ever done that to him. He later asked me if I liked being compared to others when I said no he said neither do I, I have nothing to do with what happened with you in the past, you told me that you always treat people the way you want o be treated, well you have to be careful with what you say. With him saying that it made me feel even worse, I think he realized it too because he wanted to make up. I told him that I realized that I had been mean and that it was not his fault that I felt what I felt. I tried to explain it to him I don’t know if he understood it or not. I don’t want to be this bitter person, but I keep thinking that I’m going to let my guard down just so I could get hurt again. I feel this happiness bubbling up only to be squashed by my fears and anxiety. At times I think that its not even worth all the worry, I miss knowing that a person loved me, that I could be away from them without fear of them cheating on me or finding someone more desirable. This fear of abandonment keeps nagging at all hours of the day. I feel needy. I never call him constantly because I know how it will come off as. But I want the feeling also not to be there. Do you have any advise for me?

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  13. Dee says:

    Dear Dr. Wanis

    I am going to lose a great guy because of my baggage. We have be dealing with each other for a year now. We are trying to see where we can go with possibly a relationship. But everytime we have a disagreement i break it off due to the fact that i am scared of heartbreak..he hasnt done anything wrong exactly, but Im not familiar with someone so genuine someone interested in me not only the physical part of me…its scary and i pull back because i dont want to be hurt…im used to getting hurt. And i dont know how to let go of the past and not bring it into my.present. I have no idea where to start. Can u help me?

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  14. Dear Dee,

    it’s interesting and ironic that when someone truly loves us we are afraid – we are afraid of being loved back.
    It’s not just that you are “used to getting hurt”; it is deeper – you don’t subconsciously believe that you deserve to be loved. Consider the two following questions:

    Why do you not feel worthy of love?
    Why are you worthy of love?

    You must come up with reasons why you are worthy of being loved – your qualities – everything that makes you unique, valuable and special.
    Also, ponder about how selfish you are – when, you don’t allow him to love you. Imagine reaching out to stroke, caress and love a sweet animal and she pushes you away, barks or bites you… Be the pet that allows herself to be loved!
    I don’t know why I chose the pet example, but, it came to me! LOL
    If you are still struggling or want to clear out a specific issue from the past that affects your feelings of worthiness, consider a private session with me.
    http://patrickwanis.com/PhoneConsultations.asp

    Either way, feel free to let me know how you are doing.
    All the best,
    Patrick

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  15. Lee Ann says:

    I have been reading the posts on here and I too have abandonment issues. I am dating but not very effectively. I am constantly looking for something to go wrong or something suspicious. The very minute I feel like something isn’t just right I run like my butt is on fire!! Ha! I have been told by ex’s that they felt like they were walking on rice paper around me. I have to have constant attention and reassurance. The longest relationship was 13 yrs. long and he had a pornography addiction. Almost everyone that I have been with has been unfaithful. I have such a hard time trusting anyone. I would really appreciate any advice that you could give me. I want a long term relationship more than anything else..

    Thank you!

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  16. Tabitha says:

    My husband is always lying to me, mostly about his ex-wife who he communicates with behind me back and lies about it. I was 12 weeks pregnant and we found out there was no heartbeat, so I had to have a d&c on November 28, 2011 which was a day after my 24th birthday. I tried to log into my husbands email account to get some info from a attorney, this account he never used to communicate with her. To my suprise the password had been change, I thought i had forgot it so reset it. When I logged in i found email to his ex-wife sent the day of my birthday and the day of my surgery for the d&c. He was sharing things with her that was special between us and it was our own little connection that we shared. Every since there divorce he has always keep our contact info, address, work, school etc from her. Except in these email he gave it all to her. Our address my school info, his school info our work, and his number. I feel betrayed and lied to and hurt. Specially for the fact that it was on one of the worst days of our (MY) life. We had lost our baby and he didnt even care. He was too worried about emailing her and telling her stuff she had no business knowing. Then he starts the blame game. Telling me its all my fault. This is not the first time. He has also done it with several of his other ex’s an I dont know what to do, I dont think i’ll ever be able to trust him again. Specially with the fact that he took no responsibility for his actions and words that cut deep. He just yelled at me an blamed me for everything, and the loss of the baby. I want out, but im too scared to leave. Any advice?

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  17. Sonali says:

    Hi Dr.

    I came in touch with a guy Through orkut..we used to be net friend..later on i have fallen for him..we used to talk for hours..(More than 2 yrs )one day he left me by saying i am over emotional and Senstive he was just flirting around… After that every day i cry.. i am not able to forgive him..i dont know watz going wrong with me ..its been 9 Months since we haven’t talked ..he has moved on..he has changed his Mobile number..he is not repliyng to my mails.. now i am completely shatterd..i am not able to concentrate on my work..i dont feel like talking to anyone..i dont know why the hell iam feeling so much for this relation..please tell me how to get over with this..

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  18. Brittany says:

    Dear Doctor,

    I am 22 yrs old. I have been reading your writings and I believe you may be able to help me. When I was 17 my best friend from childhood asked me to prom as a friend. I went cause he had just gone through a break up and I wanted to support him. He also had a twin brother (my other best friend). We were all so close we worked together , grew up together, families were even friends. That night he raped me twice taking my virginity. I went home the next morning only remember bits and pieces not remembering alot really scared me. I went to the hospital and had enough information to press charges, but all the history we had and given the trust I thought I had, I could’nt go through with it. Even looking at him would make me so sick. At that point, we had already been living in another town, so I felt safe finishing up high school. I went to the guidance counselor everyday, and I believe that helped me alot. After awhile, I dated guys but nothing serious. Just hanging out. Right out of high school I met a very sweet guy who was a little older than I and we dated for almost 3 years. He was my first “intimately”. I questioned his honesty at times and thought it was wrong and unfair, because I was bringing mistrust from past occurances. It turns out he secretly was on local chat/ video porn sites often (addict), still fantisized about exes, and even was interested in both sexes. I found this out after two years of being together and left him right away. At that point we had been living together for two years and had the same group of friends. I moved out of town about 1 hr away, closer to my collage and family. During my previous two year relationship I had a male friend I had worked with, who had always been interested in me, but I had remained faithful to my previous ex. He came into my workplace 2 months after my break up, and invited me to hang out. After 1 month we were dating. He was very sweet, and we had alot of common interests. The only things that concerned me were his parents having alot of say and influence over his choices, and he had a past relationship that was 7 months long but tragically his girlfriend passed away at 19 from an accident. It had been 3 yrs since her passing and I felt like he may have had lots of coping to do. We had talked about it, early on in the relationship in fact before we started dating. He seemed closed off on the subject , but after 6 months had passed he was accepting and coping and would talk about it more freely. I was sad because I felt at times as though I were compaired to someone who has passed on and felt as though you cannot compete with something like that. It would make me feel uncomfortable. We lived with his father for awhile, he had a drinking problem, and was very nosey. His dad had some issues with me I feel because when his son and I started dating, they would not spend as much time together. I stayed out of their arguments and we finally moved into our own apartment. The weird thing was his moms apartment happened to be right down the hall. After about 2 years of dating and 3 months in our own place he proposed. Everything seemed perfect we both had good carreers, our families were excited, and everything after a couple months was planned. The wedding date was set, we would move from NH to FL, and things were all paid for. We flew down to Florida to find a place and jobs two months before we were to be married. When we arrived FL we even found jobs and a place to live. We were driving back up with my grandparents in the car when out of the blue he said ” I dont think I can do this anymore.” I was shocked but tried to remain calm till we were back home in NH. We got back to the apartment that night and he apoligized but looked overwhelmed. I figured we would sleep it off and wait till the morning. In the morning we had our Confirmation ( a Catholic sacrament) us both being Catholic we both wanted to get married in a Catholic church. We attended classes for months to prepare for this. It confirmed not only our ability to get married in a church, but our own personal faith. He refused to go and I still went alone. I was sad and said before I left maybe we just need to delay the wedding and have some space. He agreed and I took some of my clothes and left for the ceremony at the church. Later I was at the celebration party with my family when he called. He told me to come get all my personal possessions and that they were by the door. I was distraught. I brought my younger cousin to come help me grab my things. When I arrived, his best friend was on our couch wispering to me what happened? I said I dont know its him and his best friend agreed with me in confusion without letting my ex fian’ce see. My ex was sweating and seemed kind of like he had lost it I was sad and remained quiet. He was throwing my things quickly into bags saying I just want to get this overwith and slammed the door in my face and said have a nice life as I left. I tried so hard not to cry and I remained emotionless. I moved in with my parents and prepared to still move to Florida. When I called to work things out with my a couple times it seems as though hes a different person. He bragged about not being uspet over the phone and bragged about not crying. I moved down to Florida and still live here currently. The last time I talked to him was less than 7 months ago. (3 months after we split up.) He said if I moved back to NH he would still marry me but I said no. Not after the way things worked out and how he treated me. He said well then I never want to talk to you again and that was it. Since then I fell into two terrible rebound relationships that were not needed and i have now been single for 6 months. I go talk to a counselor and see a psychiatrist for axiety,ADHD,PTSD. I still feel lost and since I feel as though i have experienced so much, I feel like lots don’t fully understand how all this a effected me. I still to this day check his Facebook and I know its wrong. He still writes about his old GF that passed away and says that he thiks about her everyday, and has always unconditionally loved her from day one, and she was the only one who made him feel that way. I think I need to love myself again. I just still feel bruised and want to overcome this pain. I feel guilt, anxiety,loss.

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  19. Brittany says:

    Dear Doctor,

    I am 22 yrs old. I have been reading your writings and I believe you may be able to help me. When I was 17 my best friend from childhood asked me to prom as a friend. I went cause he had just gone through a break up and I wanted to support him. He also had a twin brother (my other best friend). We were all so close we worked together , grew up together, families were even friends. That night he raped me twice taking my virginity. I went home the next morning only remember bits and pieces not remembering alot really scared me. I went to the hospital and had enough information to press charges, but all the history we had and given the trust I thought I had, I could’nt go through with it. Even looking at him would make me so sick. At that point, we had already been living in another town, so I felt safe finishing up high school. I went to the guidance counselor everyday, and I believe that helped me alot. After awhile, I dated guys but nothing serious. Just hanging out. Right out of high school I met a very sweet guy who was a little older than I and we dated for almost 3 years. He was my first “intimately”. I questioned his honesty at times and thought it was wrong and unfair, because I was bringing mistrust from past occurances. It turns out he secretly was on local chat/ video porn sites often (addict), still fantisized about exes, and even was interested in both sexes. I found this out after two years of being together and left him right away. At that point we had been living together for two years and had the same group of friends. I moved out of town about 1 hr away, closer to my collage and family. During my previous two year relationship I had a male friend I had worked with, who had always been interested in me, but I had remained faithful to my previous ex. He came into my workplace 2 months after my break up, and invited me to hang out. After 1 month we were dating. He was very sweet, and we had alot of common interests. The only things that concerned me were his parents having alot of say and influence over his choices, and he had a past relationship that was 7 months long but tragically his girlfriend passed away at 19 from an accident. It had been 3 yrs since her passing and I felt like he may have had lots of coping to do. We had talked about it, early on in the relationship in fact before we started dating. He seemed closed off on the subject , but after 6 months had passed he was accepting and coping and would talk about it more freely. I was sad because I felt at times as though I were compaired to someone who has passed on and felt as though you cannot compete with something like that. It would make me feel uncomfortable. We lived with his father for awhile, he had a drinking problem, and was very nosey. His dad had some issues with me I feel because when his son and I started dating, they would not spend as much time together. I stayed out of their arguments and we finally moved into our own apartment. The weird thing was his moms apartment happened to be right down the hall. After about 2 years of dating and 3 months in our own place he proposed. Everything seemed perfect we both had good carreers, our families were excited, and everything after a couple months was planned. The wedding date was set, we would move from NH to FL, and things were all paid for. We flew down to Florida to find a place and jobs two months before we were to be married. When we arrived FL we even found jobs and a place to live. We were driving back up with my grandparents in the car when out of the blue he said ” I dont think I can do this anymore.” I was shocked but tried to remain calm till we were back home in NH. We got back to the apartment that night and he apoligized but looked overwhelmed. I figured we would sleep it off and wait till the morning. In the morning we had our Confirmation ( a Catholic sacrament) us both being Catholic we both wanted to get married in a Catholic church. We attended classes for months to prepare for this. It confirmed not only our ability to get married in a church, but our own personal faith. He refused to go and I still went alone. I was sad and said before I left maybe we just need to delay the wedding and have some space. He agreed and I took some of my clothes and left for the ceremony at the church. Later I was at the celebration party with my family when he called. He told me to come get all my personal possessions and that they were by the door. I was distraught. I brought my younger cousin to come help me grab my things. When I arrived, his best friend was on our couch wispering to me what happened? I said I dont know its him and his best friend agreed with me in confusion without letting my ex fian’ce see. My ex was sweating and seemed kind of like he had lost it I was sad and remained quiet. He was throwing my things quickly into bags saying I just want to get this overwith and slammed the door in my face and said have a nice life as I left. I tried so hard not to cry and I remained emotionless. I moved in with my parents and prepared to still move to Florida. When I called to work things out with my a couple times it seems as though hes a different person. He bragged about not being uspet over the phone and bragged about not crying. I moved down to Florida and still live here currently. The last time I talked to him was less than 7 months ago. (3 months after we split up.) He said if I moved back to NH he would still marry me but I said no. Not after the way things worked out and how he treated me. He said well then I never want to talk to you again and that was it. Since then I fell into two terrible rebound relationships that were not needed and i have now been single for 6 months. I go talk to a counselor and see a psychiatrist for axiety,ADHD,PTSD. I still feel lost and since I feel as though i have experienced so much, I feel like lots don’t fully understand how all this a effected me. I still to this day check his Facebook and I know its wrong. He still writes about his old GF that passed away and says that he thiks about her everyday, and has always unconditionally loved her from day one, and she was the only one who made him feel that way. I think I need to love myself again. I just still feel bruised and want to overcome this pain. I feel guilt, anxiety, and loss. I know it’s not right to look into what he is doing. I just feel like it ended so abruptly. – Brittany

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  20. [...] How to get over it: Getting rid of emotional baggage The Top 5 Things Women Look for in a Man [...]

  21. How do I get it done says:

    Dear Doctor,
    My story is one that you’ve heard. I came from a verbally abusive home. I saw my mother phyiscally abused and she abused me physically and verbally in some ways and there was some sexually abuse by my step-father as well. I now know because of all this I became a people pleaser but I also hosted a lot of anger inside. There is also self-esteem issues. I became promiscuous confusing sex for love this has been from my teens until my adult life. My last relationship wasn’t good but it lasted off and on for 15 years. I found out while we were in our off stage (but still sleeping together) he’d been in a relationship for 4 years wit someone else. We got back together and within months he cheated with an old girl friend of his. Doctor I know what I need to do. I need to get myself right. I need to get counseling and I need to not be in a relationship until I handle all those things……..but why is it so hard to change. This anger and emotional baggae in deeply rooted in my soul. I keep thinking about him. I keep thinking if I change he will come back and I know I shouldn’t waste my time. Where do I start first with this healing and letting go of the emotional baggage that I’ve carried from one relationship to another. I have had some great guys but I never knew or know what a relationship is suppose to be like. I was never taught how to love or treat a man.

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  22. terry says:

    can you add me to your newsletter?

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  23. Hi Terry,
    I asked the administrator to add you – so consider it done. Also, please remember, tell your friends they can always add their name on the home page to receive my newsletter.
    All the best,
    Patrick

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