An article written for MSN and Match.com
Getting rid of our emotional baggage
By Patrick Wanis PhD, Human Behavior & Relationship Expert and Clinical Hypnotherapist
“The greatest joy and happiness we will ever receive will come from our relationships with other human beings. Our greatest pain and disappointment will also come from those relationships.
Every one of us has experienced some pain or hurt in our life as a result of a relationship or a friendship. Maybe we were betrayed, rejected or dumped.
Maybe your boyfriend or girlfriend woke up one morning and said, “I don’t love you anymore” or “I think we should just be friends”, “I have found someone else”, “I have been having an affair” or “We are just not suited.” Or maybe he or she just packed her bags and disappeared. Or maybe you broke off the relationship because you couldn’t stand being treated so poorly, you couldn’t stand the pain, the hurt or betrayal.
Either way, the pain and loss can be almost devastating, particularly if we had future plans with this person that have now been shattered, or if our identity and self-worth was tied to this person.
And so, now we find ourselves filled with anger, resentment, or bitterness. We are broken-hearted, have lost all of our confidence, we feel life is hopeless, and we have almost no self-esteem. Maybe we can’t sleep, we overeat, and we obsess, or every time we think of that person we cry or feel sick in the stomach, become angry or depressed. Maybe as a result of that pain and hurt we have isolated ourselves and can no longer trust others or get close to people.
Our friends tell us “Just get over it” but we have no idea how to do that.
What does it mean to get over it?
How do we let go of the past and all the pain and emotional injury? How do we forgive the person who has cheated on us, betrayed us or done some other wrong to us? How do we set ourselves free so we can love and trust another person? How do we reclaim our personal power? How do we find once again, self-confidence, love, joy and happiness? How do we regain our self-worth and self-esteem? How do we get over it?
In this book, I will answer all these questions and give you the keys to finding love and happiness once again.”
Excerpt from “How to Get Over it – breakups, betrayals and rejection” by Patrick Wanis PhD
We stopped to ask Human Behavior & Relationship Expert and Clinical Hypnotherapist, Patrick Wanis PhD for a few simple insights into how to get rid of emotional baggage…
1. Why is it so hard for us to get over our past romantic hurts?
PW: A truly romantic connection & relationship affects, impacts and absorbs us physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. The more we attach to the other person, the harder it is for us to get over them: i.e. if our identity, self-worth and future were tied to this person, then it becomes even more difficult to get over him or her.”
2. What’s the first step to getting over them? Why?
PW: The first step to getting over him or her is to separate your emotional issues from his/hers. In other words, accept responsibility for your actions but don’t accept responsibility or blame yourself for the way he/she chose to respond to you. You are not to blame if your partner cheated on you, became an alcoholic or a gambler. Each one of use makes the individual choice about how we will treat the other person and ourselves. Until such time as when we accept that they did what they did because of who they are and we did what we did because of who we are, then we will continue to chase them, trying to prove ourselves to them, to get their approval, forgiveness and acceptance.
3. What’s the most effective way to purge the bad memories and troubling issues?
PW: As a Human Behavior Expert and Clinical Hypnotherapist, and based on success with my clients, I believe the most effective way to purge the bad memories and troubling issues is to delve into the subconscious mind (via hypnosis) to uncover your patterns and the hidden belief about yourself that led you to be attracted to this person and; to help your subconscious mind to release the pain and understand that the painful event is over and not happening anymore. Most of us stay stuck in the pain because we do not consciously realize that our subconscious mind which has no idea of time, keeps playing the event in a loop and so we keep re-experiencing it. Hypnotherapy helps to cut that loop and create new beliefs that we can safely be loved and love again.
4. If we don’t get rid of this old baggage, what impact can it have on future romances?
PW: Unknowingly, we always take the past with us into future relationships. When we don’t clear out the pain, bitterness, resentment or judgments about ourselves and the other gender, then we naturally project that onto the next romance, and we and our new partner then pay the price of the past painful experiences and the hurtful, unhealthy pattern keeps repeating.
5. If you could only give one piece of advice to someone trying to get over their past loves, what would it be and why?
PW: Forgive your ex and yourself; you can forgive him/her without condoning their actions and without having to let them back into your life. When you learn to forgive your ex and yourself, and as you learn more self-love, then you clear your heart, mind and soul and you are free to love again.