In this week’s Success Newsletter, I would like to talk about how to say “No!”
First a quick update:
Listen to my interview The Curse of the Reality shows on Danny Wright – Wright All Night syndicated radio show http://patrickwanis.com/RadioInterviews · Johnny Depp, Will Smith, Tom Cruise and Lindsay Lohan; read my insights in The New York Observer http://www.observer.com/2007/expert-rules-paparazzi-engagement-how-survive-scientology · “Is Your Partner Cheating on You?” – read my article for Date.com and Matchmaker.com at www.date.info · Listen to the interview I gave on “Success Principles” (Annie Jenning’s PR) www.patrickwanis.com/successprinciples
Now let’s talk about how to say “No!”
In last week’s Success Newsletter, I explained that we tend to find it so hard to say “No” to others – even when it clearly involves things we do not want to do or something we do not want to be, and so we say, “Yes” in order to get the love, acceptance and approval of others – our family, friends, peers and business colleagues. We want people to like us and we fear that if we say “No”, they might get annoyed with us, criticize us, humiliate us or say something horrible to us, or maybe they won’t want to talk to us anymore; maybe we just want to avoid confrontation and “keep the peace.” Either way, the result is that we rob ourselves of joy, happiness and even success.
Around this time of the year, we will be asked to attend parties, events and dinners; we will be asked to do things, go to places and be with people – all of which may very well be against our wishes. So how do we say “No”?
The word is easy, saying it is hard.
Many people, when faced with a situation whereby they truly want to say “no’ but they are afraid, will simply give in and say “yes”; some people will freeze, some will become defensive, some will hide & avoid the situation, and others will simply become offensive.
I encourage people to grow and develop your ability to speak your truth with compassion. In other words, take one step at a time.
The first step is to ask yourself, “What is the worst thing that can happen if I say no?” Once you have faced the answer then choose to admit that you can deal with it. For example, a new client called me in a frantic state because she had drunk too much at an office party, behaved inappropriately, spoke offensive words to a co-worker, and was now faced with a meeting with the corporate office. She was scared that she was about to be fired. Fortunately, her first step was to take responsibility for her actions and realize that she needed to deal with the underlying subconscious motivation for her actions and behavior. I told her that regarding the meeting, she had to first face the worst possible scenario – losing her job and all of the subsequent consequences and implications. I then told her, “Now resolve to accept that if the worst happens you can handle it, you can survive and overcome it.” I then proceeded to coach her regarding the attitude and approach that she should ideally present in the meeting. In a fifteen minute conversation with me, this person was able to calm down and take control emotionally, and yes, she saved her job.
The point here is that she faced her greatest fear and was thus able to take back control. Ask yourself. when you are afraid of saying no, “What is my greatest fear?” and resolve to deal with it.
If the very best you can do right now is to avoid answering the phone, then do just that. Some people will look at the caller ID, curse or tremble, then answer the phone and then say “Yes” when they really wanted to say “No.” In most situations, you can simply answer with, “I choose to…stay home, not go out, not to drink, etc.” Most likely the other person will prod you: “Why?’ Respond with “I prefer to do this tonight…that is my choice…please respect it.” They may even try to make you feel guilty and you may even have to call them out on that approach: “I know you are trying to make me feel guilty but I am choosing to do…” The ideal approach is to thank them for the invitation and then state clearly without explanation what you are choosing to do. “Thanks for the invitation, and I know you have my best interests at heart, and you truly care about me, and that is why I know you will appreciate and respect my wishes/answer and my choice to…”
The key here is not to attack the other person and not to spend half an hour justifying your position or choice. Remember, whatever way they choose to respond is about them – it’s their issue. Don’t make it yours!
If you are looking for some inspirational reading this Holiday, read my Ebook, “How to Find Happiness” http://patrickwanis.com/HappinessBook.asp
Remember to check out my Blog on my website to read my past Success Newsletters, post your comments and take a few exciting quizzes. www.patrickwanis.com If you have received this newsletter as a forward and would like to receive all of my newsletters please enter your email address on the home page at PatrickWanis.com.
I wish you the best and remind you “Believe in yourself -You deserve the best!”
Celebrity Life Coach, Human Behavior & Relationship Expert & Clinical Hypnotherapist