The Most Important Thing to a Woman in a Relationship

In this week’s Success Newsletter, I would like to reveal the most important requirement to a woman in a relationship.

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Now, let’s talk about the most important requirement to a woman in a relationship.

It’s often and hotly debated: what does a woman want?

In my book “What a woman wants and how to give it to her” (a makeover dating book for men), I reveal 4 key things a woman wants in a relationship:

“Ultimately, a woman wants her man to make her feel special. She wants to experience love and ecstasy with him. She wants him to listen, pay attention to her, and be with her. She wants him to be understanding and empathetic of her feelings. When she makes a mistake or faces challenges, she wants understanding from her man, not loads of advice. She wants him to hold and cherish her and tell and show her that she is the one. Finally, she wants her man to respect her body and not just touch her sexually whenever he feels like it.” P. 24 What a woman wants and how to give it to her

There is one other thing that a woman wants and it either draws women into relationships, anchors (and sometimes imprisons) them in relationships, or the lack of it drives them out of relationships:

Security.

The dictionary defines security as “the state of being free from danger or threat.”

Of course, physical security is critical to everyone. However, to a woman in a relationship, security in its many forms is paramount, and I believe it becomes more critical as a woman ages, evolves or becomes a mother, and thus, her needs also evolve.

Security is experienced and defined in various ways in a relationship.

Mental
Mental security can refer to freedom of thought and expression; freedom from mental and verbal abuse (nagging, condemnation, harsh judgment, criticism, etc.) Thus, mental security includes acceptance, patience, tolerance, open and expressive communication, understanding, the opportunity & freedom to evolve, and so forth.

“The only real security is not in owning or possessing, not in demanding or expecting, not in hoping, even. Security in a relationship lies neither in looking back to what it was, nor forward to what it might be, but living in the present and accepting it as it is now.” – Anne Morrow Lindbergh

Emotional
Emotional security refers to partnership, equality and getting one’s emotional needs met. It inherently includes acceptance, approval, validation, significance, individual identity and more based on the individual’s needs.

Emotional security can also include fidelity, loyalty, reliability and dependence. In my article “The top 5 Things Women Look for in a Man“, I reveal the link between “Good judgment” and security:

Good judgment is critical to a healthy relationship and marriage: The first reason is security. A woman feels safe in a relationship with a man who displays good judgment because she feels she can trust him as a leader, a protector and provider. It means that she can depend on him to lead and share burdens and responsibility.

Finally, emotional security for a woman also involves the emotional security and stability of the man. She cannot feel safe and secure if he is not emotionally (and mentally) stable and secure.

Physical
Physical security refers to the need to feel safe and protected from physical and bodily harm. It includes being free from any and all forms of physical abuse. And when a woman becomes a mother, her desire for the physical safety and security of her children often overrides her own needs for security.

Physical security also incorporates sexual security – the respect of a woman’s body; respecting boundaries and respecting fluctuating physical needs and desires.

“The fact is that people are good. Give people affection and security, and they will give affection and be secure in their feelings and their behavior.” – Abraham Maslow

Financial
Women today, more than ever before, have risen to create much of their own financial security. Nonetheless, in certain relationships (particularly if the woman is foregoing a job or career to take care of the children), the woman may still depend on the man for financial security – depending on him to provide. This involves a sense of safety and assuredness that the bills will be paid. A house is often recognized as a form a physical and financial security.

“Security depends not so much upon how much you have, as upon how much you can do without.” – Joseph Wood Krutch

I have many female clients who married for financial security as they perceived this need at the time to be of the utmost value – a priority. Putting aside women who are classified as gold diggers, women will often marry a much older man who can offer them financial security over youth, vibrancy or virility. Of course, it can also be argued that financial security can be viewed or perceived as incorporating certain emotional security such as adventure and freedom since the wealth creates more choices and opportunities for material things and experiences.

“Security is mostly a superstition. It does not exist in nature, nor do the children of men as a whole experience it. Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than outright exposure. Life is either a daring adventure, or nothing.” – Helen Keller

If a woman already has her own financial security, then the other above forms of security (mental, emotional and physical security) become much more important to a woman; they become critical qualities and assets that a man can offer to a woman. Thus, numerous female clients who married primarily for financial security often express an emptiness, a sense of unfulfillment, and a longing and craving to have the other forms of security met – particularly the emotional needs met.

“Nothing can bring a real sense of security into the home except true love.” – Billy Graham

Love could be included as a category of security. However, I believe it is inherent in all of the above categories. When love and affection are freely expressed, then security is experienced mentally, emotionally and physically. Of course, love can be present and active without every emotional or even every financial need being met.

“A man cannot tell whether a woman is in love with him or his security blanket until she is financially and psychologically independent enough to leave. Until a woman has learned how to leave, even she cannot be sure she has learned to love.” – Warren Farrell – “Why Men Are the Way They Are”

Thus, it is important for every woman to get clear (before entering into a serious relationship or marriage) exactly what her needs are and how she defines security. As noted above, clients who married for financial security for themselves and their future children, complain years later of lacking love and fulfillment.

It is equally critical for the man to know what the woman wants before entering into a serious relationship or marriage, so that he can determine whether or not he will be able to provide her with the security she desires and needs.

Other articles and resources include “What women look for in a man”and my article “do women want to be loved or adored?”.

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I wish you the best and remind you “Believe in yourself -You deserve the best!”

Patrick Wanis Ph.D.
Celebrity Life Coach, Human Behavior & Relationship Expert & SRTT Therapist
www.patrickwanis.com