In this week’s Success Newsletter, I would like to ease some of the controversy and reveal the real reasons why men want women to cook for them.
First a quick update:
- “Revenge is destroying Christie Brinkley.” Listen to the radio interview I gave to Bob and Sherri’s nationally syndicated show: Celebrity supermodel Christie Brinkley chose to go public about the sordid affair her husband Peter Cook had. Why? Is Christie Brinkley being driven by revenge and payback over her humiliating betrayal by her husband? Will Brinkley’s move harm her and her children as hatred, bitterness and revenge take over and consume her? Are Brinkley’s emotions of anger, hurt and revenge justified? I also point out the irony that her husband betrayed his wife Brinkley, a woman made famous for youth and beauty, by cheating with another girl full of youth and beauty. www.patrickwanis.com/RadioInterviews.asp
Now let’s talk about the controversial topic of what men and women want and why men want women to cook for them.
It’s often a hot topic of debate- what do men want? What do women want? Can we understand the other gender? Can we ever please them? Of course, media and society generally enjoy portraying the woman as the more difficult of the two genders to comprehend and work out. There is no doubt that generally women have more depth than most men – in the sense that they have a far wider range of needs and desires than men who are often portrayed as simpletons. (Some predominant feminine qualities include sensitivity, intuition, perception and nurturing. And incidentally, based on studies of the human brain, women can actually successfully multi-task. Men just think they can. Sorry guys!)
In my book, “What a woman wants” I use a joke to illustrate a point:
“There’s an old joke that compares men with women:
How to seduce a woman: compliment her, respect her, honor her, cuddle her, kiss her, caress her, love her, stroke her, tease her, comfort her, protect her, hug her, hold her, spend money on her, wine and dine her, buy things for her, listen to her, care for her, stand by her, support her, hold her, go to the ends of the Earth for her.
How to seduce a man: Show up naked. Bring food.”
While I am sure that you are probably laughing or maybe even cursing after reading the above, we all agree that there is much more that is required to bring joy, satisfaction and happiness to either a man or a woman than just the above list. In the context of a relationship, I teach in my book, “Get the man you want” that men desire four things from a woman:
- For her to look good
- Pay attention to him, and DO things with him
- Regular and exciting sex
- Treat him like a king
Now before the ladies get mad with me, I am not saying that the above is right and appropriate, but rather, that is the way it is. For example, testosterone –the primary hormone in men promotes action, assertiveness, aggressiveness and competitiveness in men. Right or wrong? That’s the way it is.
So again, the question remains, “Why do men want women to cook for them?” Is it because they simply want to be treated like king? Is it because they believe they are superior, and that cooking and the kitchen is only the domain of a woman?
Beyond some of the potential sexist responses by some men, the answer lies much deeper than that and may even shock you.
I would like to answer that question with a story. I recall it was during one of visits to my home in Australia. I was in the kitchen. My mom had cooked me a meal and let me know that it was ready. I sat down to eat, and for the first time, I consciously became aware of something truly significant. I noticed that I didn’t want to get up and get it for myself. During most of my childhood years, after my grandmother who lived with us passed away when I was ten, my brother and I cooked for ourselves. My mom was studying for her PhD at the time and arrived home very late. So while it had been a habit for me for most of my childhood life to cook for myself, this time, I wanted my mother to serve me the food that she had cooked. I wondered to myself, “Why is this important to me?” And then it hit me. It wasn’t about me wanting to be a king, it was about me wanting to feel loved and believing that the food would actually taste better when served by my mother. For the ladies, it is critical to understand that men express love by “doing” and “giving” things – usually tangible things and therefore to a man, it is also an expression of love when a woman serves a man and gives him something. Underneath all of the pseudo male macho superiority, men also seek nurturing from women and they find that to be expressed with food and receiving.
Having said all of the above, I also humbly teach that yes, men should share in the chores and not demand or expect that the woman carry all the burdens of the house, and yes, men should look for opportunities to serve the lady – be it with a home cooked meal or a lengthy massage. Remember, whenever we serve the other person, we also enjoy the rewards of fulfillment. Maybe that is the real meaning of “It is more blessed to give than to receive.” We all need to learn to give and receive!
Remember to check out my Blog on my website to read my past Success Newsletters, post your comments and take a few exciting quizzes. www.patrickwanis.com If you have received this newsletter as a forward and would like to receive all of my newsletters please enter your email address on the home page at PatrickWanis.com.
I wish you the best and remind you “Believe in yourself -You deserve the best!”
Patrick Wanis Ph.D.
Celebrity Life Coach, Human Behavior & Relationship Expert & Clinical Hypnotherapist
www.patrickwanis.com
I’m simmering homemade yellow thai curry as I read this waiting for my boyfriend to come home from work. I have found that I want and enjoy cooking for the people I really love. I know things aren’t going to work with a guy if I don’t want to feed him, lol! However, in my childhood home myself and my two younger brothers were in charge of fixing and serving all meals and my brother, Warren, makes the best peach cobbler I have ever tasted. He now cooks meals for his wife and started a “cook off” group with their other married friends and he won the last weekly cook off with his low fat chili. My sister-in-law says that the meals he made for her were part of what made her fall in love. My other brother also cooks when he can although his wife loves to cook and often just won’t let him. Overall I think all humans want someone who will feed and serve them. What is more loving then someone wanting to make sure your belly is full of good food you made for them!
Sorry, but I don’t wholeheartedly agree with your conclusion. First of all, I believe that the desire that a man has for a woman to cook for him is more psychological than physiological. And it’s more societal than biological. The overt and subtle messages that society broadcasts to men (or women, for that matter) shape a large part of how they think. Of course, there are behaviors that I believe each gender is hard-wired for (women nurturing babies, men physically protecting his family, etc.) but most of the currently accepted norms are sociological in nature–adopted over thousands of years of common acceptance and convenience, and based just one particular type of household dynamic. I do not think that the act of cooking is one of the aforementioned hard-wired behaviors.
As a woman, I don’t feel an innate desire to cook just as many men that I know don’t. I view it as a survival skill, a chore, a necessity that needs to get done by someone, whoever it is, so that we can get nourishment until the next time we have to eat. And, to speak to your point about men wanting to receive things as an expression of love since that is their way of showing it, too, I disagree with that, too. Yes, men show their love by giving–usually in material ways. But women, who also show their love by giving, do so in non-material ways. They give emotionally. They nurture, support, advise, etc. But they do not give materially. Therefore, giving food is not how women are wired to show their love to their husbands. Yes, it’s how women show their love to their children, but not necessarily their husbands. So for a man to desire that a woman cook for him, to me, shows that he wants his wife to play, to an extent, the role of HIS mother and NOT the equal partnership of his wife. This, to me, is indicative of deep-seated issues stemming from the man’s inability to lose dependence from his parents–specifically his mother. Oftentimes, mothers, as loving and giving as they are towards their children, refuse to “cut the cord”, especially with their sons. This is the root cause of the problem and an issue that deserves a discussion entirely on its own. Furthermore, the fact that wives don’t see this behavior for what it is and allow these types of men to continue to place “motherly” expectations on them to make up for their lack of independence just makes the trend more widespread and accepted.
What really needs to happen is for women to stop allowing themselves to be pigeonholed into these mother roles towards their husbands. The wife is the mother to the children, NOT to the husband. And the husband is the father of the children, NOT of the wife. The husband and wife are partners who must work together to provide for their children. That is the biological purpose of a marriage–to create and nurture offspring. When either the wife or husband places their needs in the same category of those of the children, that is when dysfunctional marriages occur. Yes, some people may be happy in these types of marriages, and those who think similarly along those lines would match well. But for those of us who understand the optimal roles that women and men should fill for one another, that of partner, we will have to just keep looking for like-minded folks and try not to marry the other type. Hopefully, over time, it will be easier to do this because, although progress has been made, we’re still a long ways away from that reality!
I hope you didn’t take offense! I am from a culture that has a lot of “mommas boys” so it’s an issue that I come across pretty regularly and it aggravates me to no end. I find independent, strong men so much more attractive and, in fact, I think that most women would agree!
I love how Sandy expects her man to risk his life to protect her and work long hours to provide yet she refuses to cook a meal.
Its selfish to expect protection but to not even cook a meal in return?
She says men give materially and women don’t. So how is it a partnership if a man has to give materially also known as providing for the family and also share every other duty?
I wonder if Sandy even gives the men in her life birthday gifts since women are not wired to give in this manner.
Maybe men find women who don’t expect protection and money and don’t whine about cooking much more attractive than women who selfishly expect all these things.
I think it is socialized more than hard wired in anyone.
The problem is that usually both people in a marriage work full time now and it is really unfair for the man to expect his wife to come home after working a full day and cook for him while he loafs on the sofa.
I do think men are hard wired to get as much as they can for as little effort possible from them.
I am newly married and my husband is trying to get me to act like his mommy. I simply won’t do it. I’m his wife, not his mommy.
I worked a full day yesterday and have an hour commute each way. My husband won’t drive so he has a workmate to take him to and from work. So my husband gets home an hour before me and what does he do? Loaf on the sofa playing online until I get home and then I am supposed to haul him over to his old house to clean up and the cats are out of food so I have to go to the grocery after I drop him off to shop and then I get home and the laundry is still sitting in the washer so i put it in the drier and then I finally sit down and about 10 minutes later he calls wanting me to pick him up cause he is done and then he has the nerve to ask me to cook him dinner!
I said no way. He should be waiting on me hand and foot since he is home before I get home and I make 3x as much as he does!
Dear SueGee,
if you have read any of my work, then you know that I promote balance in all situations; and in yours, there is a huge imbalance. What you described above has nothing to do with gender but rather character, morals and values. Your husband is acting completely selfishly, irresponsibily and lazily. It doesn’t matter who makes more money or who is the man or the woman. The key here is being thoughftul, loving, caring, giving and forming a partnership. You might be right that he wants a mommy, but I feel the issue is deeper and he was possibly never taught to give but rather to only take and quite possibly he might resent you because he does not make as much money as you and he feels inadequate and thus he is finding a way to expresse his resentment, punish you or sabotage the marriage.
Solution?
I suggest you sit down and have an open discussion. Express your feelings without attacking him and ask a lot of questions such as what does he believe the role of a man and woman to be? Does it matter if a woman makes more money than a man? (If he is such a patriarchal man, then it will matter and annoy him!) Does he believe that a man and woman should share the chores and responsibilities of the household? If not, why not? And if not, and if the woman makes the most amount of money, should she do less work around the home and the man do more?
I believe you will be shocked by his honest answers.
Please let me know how it goes.
All the best,
Patrick
who ever says that cooking for a man is not important is 100 persent wrong. all men love it. it comes from childhood, and when their moms cooked for them. and when they get married they want the same thing, being taken care of, thats why alot of them want theirs moms when they are sick. who ever says other wise is wrong.
Thank You so much for this discussion, I am 30yrs and newly divorced. I have just started dating again and noticed almost every guy I talk to, ask about cooking. I have just started online dating and wanted to know why cooking was so important to men. I can cook but I also associate cooking with love so I find it difficult to cook for someone I only like and have only know for a short while. This helped bring me little insight on the topic.
The responses from the mainly anglosaxon women show how thoroughly they have been programmed and brainwashed by feminism.
They have been sold a pack of lies. Women who do not know how to cook are basically missing an essential part of running a household and taking care of their family.
Hispanic women know that taking care of their husbands implies cooking. Our culture revolves around extended family who drop by and visit and yes food plays an important role.
It is considered rude in our culture not to offer a guest something to eat and drink. Usually coffee, soda or juice. THERE IS ALWAYS FOOD AVAILABLE, and 9 out of 10 is homemade stuff freshly cooked.
It is regrettable that women do not learn how to cook from their mothers or grandmothers. Cooking is a basic skill, but feminist indoctrination has made it anathema for women.
I learned how to cook by watching my mother (she only had boys). I would go to the supermarket or the butcher and get the ingredients for her.
Watching her has served me well. In today’s economic climate, an easy way to save money is to cook meals at home.
for the $7-9 dollars people spend at a fast food joint, I can prepare a beef, pork, or chicken dish that can feed me for 2 days without all the chemicals, etc.
Do these women think it is ok to feed your kids(if they even have them) fast food, processed crap like chef-Boyardee or those maruchan soups??
to me that is child abuse!!!!
For me a woman that does not know how to cook is a deal-breaker. As they say in Spanish “mejor solo que mal acompañado”
Dear Ramon,
thanks for sharing your insights and opinion.
I recall many years ago, the first time I was traveling in Europe (from Australia) I was passing through Italy – San Remo – and I noticed that the people were not just eating, they were celebrating. To the Italians, food was a celebration. Today, as a result of our stressed out lives and our shift in priorities, we do not view food as a celebration and we now view it either as a burden or a necessity; we get annoyed that we (or our employees) need to eat because it is interrupting our work or we view it as a bare neccessity when we refer to having just eaten by saying “that hit the spot” or “that filled the hole.” Notice that many people also refer to food as “fuel’ thus removing the enjoyment of the ritual of eating. I have lived around the world and I noticed that even in Africa (The Gambia), food was a special occassion – familes gathered and the ritual of eating was about the social connection, the sharing of food and the enjoyment and celebration of food. and yes, the Latins and Mediteranneans follow the same ritual and significance.
Accordingly, for the majority of the rest of us, we swallow the food as fast as possible so we can get on with the rest of our day and we do not listen to our body about what it needs.
My finall point is a critical issue – women who refuse to cook because they are either punishing the man in their life or because they simply do not have any desire to care for or nurture him, and I believe this to be a sign that she does not love him or there is some resentment on her part towards him.
Again, thanks Ramon for openly sharing with us your insights and cultural experiences.
All the best,
Patrick
A very interesting read! Thank you Patrick for confirming and reinforcing my personal beliefs and cultural upbringing. I grew up in a mixed tradition background. But both sides of the family food was a way of nurturing and showing love too the family. Both my parents cooked for us as children and in fact my dad is the better cook. (He would agree quietly) It is a tradition that is now part of my own family life. With busy modern lives both of us working long hours, its important to take time out to remember the little things in life that keeps families together and mealtimes is a valuable time. i really get pleasure from their faces when food is put in front of them. I cook everything from scratch and dont believe in ready meals. they never taste right, and are always disappointing.
I love to cook for my man! and my children. It is an expression of love. And i think was one of the things that he was impressed by when we first met. He comes from a traditional Caribbean background where food is very symbolic and central to family life. For men in the Caribbean cooking is seen as a tool, skill, and most fathers do much of the cooking. However, To serve him is not submissive it is appreciation, and i love it when he serves food for me. my Jewish grandmother said. if you love to eat.. then you should learn to cook..She then would say that you have to put love into your food or it will taste bitter!. i really miss her cooking. Both of my children cook passionately and i hope they continue the role of feeding people you love and care for.
thank you
Lisa
Dear Lisa,
thanks for sharing your personal story and experience. I find your grandmother’s words to be wisdom: “if you love to eat.. then you should learn to cook..She then would say that you have to put love into your food or it will taste bitter!” Both my grandmother’s were amazing cooks and whenever I would travel to stay with one of them for a couple of weeks (she lived in another state) I would return home bigger! It’s funny that I noticed that as child and some of my greatest memories are the love I felt from their cooking. Interestingly, their culture said “I will be offended if you don’t eat all of your food.” And yes, food was a celebration! And a tasty one at that!
All the best,
Patrick