In this week’s Success Newsletter, I would like to talk about how to identify, understand, and handle emotional vampires, the people who drain your energy and suck the life out of you.
First a quick update:
- “A healthy mind in a healthy body” – The Ancient Greeks and Romans preached the powerful link and circle between the mind and body, and in the 21st century professionals are waking up to this as the key to total health – mental, physical and emotional. The pioneer in this field is Mark Hyman, M.D. — a 4-time NY Times bestselling author. He has 7 keys, and you can see more about these keys, including some startling videos that explain it all, by going to this website now: www.ultramindcoaching.com/es/197/21/cd35/9/
Now, let’s talk about the people that drain you or feed on you mentally, emotionally or energetically – the psychic and emotional vampires.
Almost every one of us has someone in our life whom we wish we could change or whom we wish would change; desiring them to do things differently or to be different. It might be a boss, coworker, colleague, team member, friend, family member or worse, a romantic partner.
Understanding that we cannot change anyone (except ourselves) is step one to inner peace. Step two is to understand yourself and others. Step three is change yourself. Step four is clear out of your life those people that are parasites or bring you down. A client of mine was relating to me that all the women in his life expect him to support them (on many levels) but they never support him. I explained to him that there are only two types of relationships: parasitic (one person living and feeding off the other person) and symbiotic (the two people mutually supporting and benefitting each other.)
A parasite can feed off you mentally, emotionally or energetically. I refer to these people collectively as emotional vampires. And when you are around them, you may feel physically tired, drained, sleepy, weak, agitated, low, small, inadequate, low spirits, hopeless, trapped or afraid.
Identifying the emotional vampires
There are many types of emotional vampires:
Narcissist
Controller
Victim
Criticizer
Drama queen
Please note that I always avoid labeling people, and so, the above terms refer to a person’s behavior and approach to life. Labeling people robs them of their power and in turn, can give them a reason or justification for their behavior i.e. “I can’t help it; I am ADD.” My intention here is to help you to:
- Identify the way people in your life can drain you, (hold you back, rob you of your power, confidence and potential)
- Understand the emotional vampires and their behavior
- Become empowered by offering you some basic strategies to best handle, deal with and respond to those behaviors and people.
Narcissism
This person needs and demands constant praise and attention. He ignores your feelings and interests; believes that the world revolves around him or her, and almost always tends to turn the conversation around to discuss him or her.
You often feel invisible and pressured to compliment and praise him.
Victimhood
This person is extremely needy; often has a story of how the world has wronged him; has many “accidents” and “bad luck”; wallows in self-pity and misery.
You often feel like the parent and therapist to him.
Control
This person dictates and dominates you; he or she is rigid, rarely fun or spontaneous, often telling you what is best for you and how you should be living your life.
You often feel weak and trapped around him.
Criticizer
This person is highly critical, condemnatory and judgmental. He puts others down often and easily points out your flaws.
You often feel inadequate around him.
Drama Queen
This person needs to be center of attention 24 hours a day; he or she is great at getting attention and when he doesn’t get it or his way, he creates drama and outbursts believing that the intense emotion is a healthy connection. This person can also be passive- aggressive: seeking your approval and charming while he has it, but aggressive and abusive when he doesn’t get it.
When you are around this person, you feel like you are walking on egg shells, hiding your true feelings and riding an emotional roller coaster.
Understanding the emotional vampires
All of the above behaviors stem from negative experiences and programming. In other words, the emotional vampires feel empty and are missing something and thus they turn to you to fill them up with: validation, recognition, attention, approval, love, acceptance, reassurance, personal power, etc. No matter how confident and assertive they may appear, underneath, they often suffer from self-hatred, low self-esteem, feelings of inadequacy, guilt, shame and so forth.
Handling the emotional vampires
1. Mentally and emotionally separate yourself from their behavior: “I understand that the way others respond to me is about them”
2. Determine if it is possible to end this relationship – cut them off from your life
3. Become aware of how you feel around this person (creepy, tense, scared, weak, tired, trapped, shut-down, tight chest, etc) and if bad feelings arise, do your best to remove yourself from the setting as soon as possible (before the person can begin to drain or impact you)
4. Always respond with “matter-of-fact” tone and approach; maintain your calm and composure by listening but not allowing their words or behavior to enter you; imagine an impenetrable golden light around you
5. Breathe deeply before speaking back
6. Remind yourself that it is their intention to get a reaction from you
7. Limit your interactions with them as much as possible – avoid socializing
8. Firmly, clearly and openly state your limits and boundaries
9. When experiencing their tantrums and outbursts, imagine you are dealing with a five-year old child
10. Express compassion and empathy but place your limits
Tips to strengthen and empower yourself
The better you feel about yourself, the less you will attract or be affected by the emotional vampires, and the easier it will be to protect yourself and say ‘no’ to them. In other words, build your self-esteem, clear out your stuff (doubts, insecurities, negative emotions, etc.) Avoid socially isolating yourself because you can easily become hypnotized, controlled or dominated by the emotional vampire. Use the emotional vampires as a mirror to understand how they reflect you and why they push your buttons. For example, I once had a close friend who would often freak out over the smallest things, turning them into major dramas and disasters. When I took the time to determine why I would respond with anger, I realized that I would often do the same thing – turn small things into major disasters. I resented in her what I resented in myself. As I changed my behavior and perception of life, her responses had little effect on me and I was able to master the way to handle her, calming her down while not getting emotional myself.
If you would like to comment on this newsletter, go to www.patrickwanis.com/blog if you have received this newsletter as a forward and would like to receive all of my newsletters please enter your email address on the home page at PatrickWanis.com.
I wish you the best and remind you “Believe in yourself -You deserve the best!”
Patrick Wanis Ph.D.
Celebrity Life Coach, Human Behavior & Relationship Expert & Clinical Hypnotherapist
www.patrickwanis.com
Dear Patrick,
This is an amazing blog and set of posts here.. helping us all to understand the day to day, event to event interactions that can leave us feeling deflated and not our positive, happy selves….Your thoughts have certainly helped push me to find more joy in living! THANK YOU!!!
I have questions about my new husband and my relationship (of a blushing eight months)… we’ve known one another for nearly three years.. and have lived in the same city nearly two. But we’re still getting to know one another. I’m 35, never married.. he’s 40, married once to a drama queen.. We were somewhat cautious and tried to be thoughtful in the process of getting married to one another.
I’ve come to see that we both can be emotional vampires, but I find him more consistently one.. as a critical jokster. He loves the show Seinfeld.. and I’ve started to envision him as a character on the show.. negative, narcissistic, somewhat dry and dark in his humor…and he sometimes raises his voice to get his point across. I also find that he sometimes seems bored with what I have to say, is not at all interested in my interests, and belittles me in subtle ways that I end up chalking it up to me feeling ‘hypersensitive’. I also feel like he wants sabotage my budding career as a university teacher ..so that I will only work 30 hours a week, which would have me less stressed and able to tend to him and our household a bit more.
The rub is this: he is not this way all the time.. he’s also sweet, supportive, and can be quite caring.. and wants to be a great husband. My dog (who’s now ours) adores him.. and even seems to favor him over me.
So my questions have more to do with what to do when he’s being a negative, critical, and unrelenting soul.. And I’m either tired or stressed out from work.. This makes for a pretty bad equation. In a run-down state, I often become a bit fearful, needing his validation, hugs, and approval.. and it often takes him some time to muster up some kind words about me. He even seems suspicious about why I would need to be told positive and up-building things..
I start to wonder and worry a little that we just don’t know each other well enough… that I can’t force or change him.. that it’s too high of an expectation to expect him to be kind and thoughtful all of the time.. and then when I start to wonder why I married this man.. I have to remind myself that I’m the one that I need to focus on.. not him.. just try to be strong, positive and up-building to him, for him.
I would love for us to bring out the best in each other, that we are positive and strengthening forces in each others lives — all of the time. Is this way too high of a hope and dream?
Any and all thoughts would be most appreciated.
Thanks again for all you time and care,
bmax
Dear Bmax,
thank you for your kind words and compliments.
It sounds to me that you both have work to do individually and then, as a couple. And yes, I think it would have been wiser to have spent more time getting to know each other before the marriage rather than during the marriage.
I think there is some pain that your husband has not yet cleared. For example, you mentioned that he was married to a drama queen and I think he responds to you as if you were that drama queen. In other words, you are triggering some of his old stuff and that is why he hovers from being negative & narcissistic and then wanting to be a great husband.
You are right that you need to always work on yourself first. However, there are also some things that need to be addressed within the relationship. For example,
step one, identify what you need from him – patience, validation, understanding, support, etc. Step two, ask him what he needs from you. And then third, ask each other why each one feels resentful giving the other person what he or she needs. There are times when we are stressed out or emotionally rundown and we simply don’t feel like propping up the other person (giving approval, praise or validation) but love and marriage is about doing it when you don’t feel like it. And yet, the desire to do it is also a reflection of real love.
Having said that, also look at yourself and determine when you need it and why you need it; is it something often? If so, why? Is it just tough times and challenges or is it a deep issue that has been around for awhile? Your husband can love and support you but he cannot heal you or be responsible for your healing – and vice versa.
It also seems to me that the two of you are not communicating fully. You said: “He even seems suspicious about why I would need to be told positive and up-building things.” Have you discussed this matter? Have you explained to him why you need it? Do you know why you need it?
You also need to explain to him the effect it has on you when he acts “as a critical jokster. He loves the show Seinfeld.. and I’ve started to envision him as a character on the show.. negative, narcissistic, somewhat dry and dark in his humor…and he sometimes raises his voice to get his point across.” Explain to him how it makes you feel and ask him how you can help him and support him.
Does he want to sabotage your career or is he simply recognizing that your present situation is highly stressful and that the stress makes you fearful and dependent on him – even clingy? Talk to him, ask him questions; talk about the way you feel and listen. Ask him for his perspective and expain your perspective. Don’t condemn; say “I feel…”
Why do you say that you must “be strong, positive and up-building to him, for him”?It sounds as if you are feeling guilty and acting as if you must live to serve him.
Also, regarding stress, please look at ways to reduce the stress in your life because that will affect your relationship; it will affect your emotions and can even make you needy and emotionally vulnerable. Is he also under a lot of stress?
You also said “I would love for us to bring out the best in each other, that we are positive and strengthening forces in each others lives — all of the time. Is this way too high of a hope and dream? ” Yes, it is possible and no, it is not too high of a hope and dream. Begin by asking him how you can be that for him and then let him know how he can be that for you. Make sure they are clearly tangible ways – actions, words, response, etc.
I wish you the best and please let me know how it goes.
Patrick
Dear Sheila,
well done for recognizing that it is time to stand up for yourself and allow only healthy relationships into your life.
Personally, I don’t have an issue with the term “best friends”; I think you would be happy to use that term if she was your best friend – but it appears that it is hard to accept that term when you feel someone is an emotional vampire.
Sometimes we stick with people because it is familiar and because they know us so we don’t need to start all over again explaining who we are and how we think. In fact, it also becomes somewhat harder to make friends as we get older because we have less access to people; in school and college we are surrounded by so many people but later in life we associate with a smaller group of people – at work and we often spend most of our time with the children.
Now, you that you have recognized that you feel she is not your friend and does not care about you, then ask yourself why you are afraid to let her go from your life – to ignore her attempts at making you feel guilty. Is it becuase you are afraid you will be alone or will not be able to find new healthy friends?
We have to say no to what we do not want so we can say yes to what we do want.
You can make new empowering friends by taking the time to find them! Try joining clubs or groups that interest you – reading clubs, hobbie clubs, walking clubs, etc.
Finally, sometimes, you just have to take the hard action and go through the period of feeling uncomfortable so that you can cut off people who once controlled you. Then you can be free to welcome new real friends. You will regain your confidence once you put yourself first.
All the best,
Patrick
Dear Cathleen,
I sympathize sincerely that you have suffered so much.
I am not fully clear about the changes your husband has made. You said he has turned to God and has become more giving but still engages in illegal activity, gray areas or simply practices that are untheical. You also said that you are engaging in “other emotional clearing techniques just to allow myself to see him not as the person that he has been in the past, but as a person who has good qualities, too.”
First, have you fogiven him for the past? Does he regret his ways? Has he recognized the hurt and pain caused?
Second, what image are you trying to see of him and why? Are you trying to forget the past and only focus on his good? That is fine if he has changed; if not, then you are simply in denial. Yes, I teach to love, forgive and focus on the good but I don’t teach to remain in a negative relationship and focus on the good.
This leads to my third point: it is a huge and dangerous belief that it is good to stay together for the sake of the children; it is not if there is no love in the relationship; it is not if there is pain and abuse in the relationship. Children learn by 1. watching their parents and copying them; 2. by listening to their parents and absorbing and accepting what they hear and 3; by what they experience.
In other words, the pain, abuse, lack of love, narcissism, manipulation, criticism, etc are all very harmful for your daughter. She will grow up with a bad example of relationships; she will grow up thinking that the woman must accept the abuse from the man; she will grow up frightened to express herself and be herself.
Your daughter needs love, protection and nurturing. She also needs to witness and feel love between her parents. Hearing arguments will leave her afraid, traumatized and insecure. She will grow up with anxiety. She will absorb a lot of your pain.
Remember, suffering on your part at the hands of abuse is not loving for your daughter – even though that is your intention.
Love yourself and teach your daughter to love and respect herself.
None of these steps are easy but you must take the tough steps to love yourself…
I hope this helps and please let me know how it goes.
All the best,
Patrick
Dear Joan,
all of the advice and the ten tips and strategies for dealing with emotional vampires still apply to you. However, i would like to add to work on yourself first, and you will eventually arrive at the place where you accept him even though you might find that he is not for you and neither is the relationship if it is destructive to you and your soul.
Notice I said “accept him” and I said you might still leave. What I mean here is that you arrive at the place where you no longer waste energy trying to change him but you also recognize that you need to take the path that is the healthiest for you.
All the best,
Patrick
[...] my Success Newsletter of June 10, 2009 “Dealing with emotional vampires” http://patrickwanis.com/blog/index.php/2009/06/10/dealing-with-emotional-vampires/ , I revealed the five types of emotional vampires in our life; those people that can drain our [...]
Dear Patrick,
I just wanted to write how great your advice is and that its wonderful someone is giving out strong, down-to-earth, logical advice on a topic that is as messy and involved as relationships and human emotions! I hope you continue on for many years to come as it sends back so much positivity and good vibes in a world that is a little overwhelming and dark at times.
Thanks!!!
mia.
Dear Mia,
thank you for taking the time to acknowledge my articles and advice. I am sincerely grateful to be able to help people.
You might also be interested to watch a TV interview I gave about Emotional Vampires http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mo3zKlx89FE
All the best,
Patrick
Hi,
My girlfriend fits alot of what you have described. I love her very much but her parinoid behavior is pushing me away. She also is big on the drama queen and victim role. It’s like any answer i give her isn’t good enough becasue it’s not the one she wants to hear. She also get’s down on herself and can transfer her problems into anger towards me
[...] [...]
Dear Kirk,
thanks for writing and yes, it is truly a challenge to love someone who “gets down on herself” and then takes it out on you. How long have you been together?
Is she just starting to reveal this side? Is it pressure and stress or do you think it has always been there?
It’s important to understand that you cannot change her – however – you can help her. Sit down in a neutral place – preferably outside to talk to her. Note what I said: neutral and outside. Neutral refers to the fact that it is not your home or her home; outside because it allows for a more open conversation by lowering her defenses. In other words, set up a time and place to talk; do not wait till you explode or walk out on the relationship. Eventually, you will tell her how you feel – better to do it now than after the relationship has ended.
By sitting outside in a neutral place, you have a safe place for both of you to discuss your feelings. Begin with questions e.g. “last week I heard you say such and such and I felt you were putting yourself down. What moved you to do this? How can I help?”
If you start with exploratory questions, then there is less chance of her being defensive or paranoid. Also, you can help her to lower her defenses by lowering yours and expressing vulnerability; maybe try sharing a personal story of something meaningful in your past and how it left you feeling.
Also, ask yourself the tough question about how and why you attracted this person into your life and how and why you are attracted to her? I used to attract girls that needed rescuing because I believed that was my role and purpose as well as my identity. It also prevented me from having to reveal my true self…I also didn’t believe that I deserved to be treated better than they were treating me…
Let me know what happens and I hope this helps.
All the best,
Patrick
Great Article! As difficult as it sounds, I had to separate myself from both my father and my sister (they are peas in a pod) and come to terms with not having them in my life as they were both emotional vampires and both exhibited ALL of the signs you listed. I never knew what to call them or their behavior, but I was self-actualized enough to realize that at 49, I could not continue to let them have power over me and drain me of my self esteem or energy any longer.
Now I am so much more happy, energetic and positive about life. While I miss having family in my life, I’ve adopted a new family: my friends. They are supportive and helpful, build me up and are there for me without judgment.
Whereas my sister and father were hyper-critical and could find a bad point in any thing I presented to them, including winning awards, getting new clients, purchasing beautiful land or meeting someone special. It didn’t matter what great thing happened to me, they simply had nothing positive to say about it. Both have trigger tempers, are oddly sensitive to anyone else’s actions, blow things out of proportion and have tantrums (sometimes public ones, the worst) when things didn’t go perfectly their way. I used to be quite stressed around them and avoided them as much as possible. Eventually, I just stopped contacting them altogether.
Now my shoulders have relaxed and my heart has stopped pounding. I can actually look forward to months and months of stress-free living. Hopefully what you say here will help others delete emotional vampires from their lives as well!
Dear Johnny,
thanks for sharing your experiences.
It sounds like your choice to cut off your father and sister is a recent one. One of the hardest things to do in life is to cut off the people closest to you such as your family when they turn out to be unhealthy for you. It is always empowering to understand why they or anyone for that matter acts the way they do. Sometimes, people are motivated by jealousy, anger, resentment or simply want to cut you down because they feel inadequate.
While I promote loving and understanding your family, I also teach that you must love yourself first. Trying to love someone who continually abuses you in any form – mental, physical, verbal or emotional – only serves to destroy you. Sometimes you need to cut them off and begin to love and nurture yourself while still lovign them from a distance. That implies letting them know what you will and won’t accept; telling them you love them but won’t accept their behavior – remembering that their behavior always comes from a place of self-loathing. So, how can anyone love someone who doesn’t love him or herself? It’s not possible because that person who doesn’t love him or herself will stop or prevent you from loving them!
All the best,
Patrick