In this week’s Success Newsletter, I would like to explain how we are not all the same and what that signifies for relationships and business.

First a quick update:

****  “The art of flirting” – Read the transcript of the interview I gave to Sue McGarvie Clinical Therapist and Syndicated Talk Show host of Ottawa’s EZ Rock 99.7 “Love & Lipstick”, about flirting from the male perspective – which flirting techniques work with men and which don’t: http://patrickwanis.com/blog/index.php/2010/09/01/the-art-of-flirting/

****  The training – now also via webinar – In response to requests from people outside the US, the training course for my unique therapeutic technique “Subconscious Rapid Transformation Technique” (SRTT) will now be conducted over the phone and via webinar so you can learn and follow along and ask questions via your computer from anywhere in the world, and, we have adjusted the dates to ensure everyone is accommodated. Are you one of the lucky few to grab the last places to make up the 15 people being accepted? Hurry: http://patrickwanis.com/srtt/srtt.asp

Now, let’s talk about why we are not all the same and its implications.

This year, the T.I.M.M.-E Company, Inc. (Tolerance in Multi Media Education) – an educational company that teaches tolerance and diversity in schools, celebrated its 10th anniversary of the children’s book “We Are All The Same Inside.” The book’s message is to encourage children to celebrate our similarities while embracing each other’s differences.

And yes, it is true that were we to remove color, gender, culture, age and other differences such as socio-economic disparities, we would find that inside we are all very similar and accordingly we do also have common physical and emotional needs such as food, water, shelter, attention, approval, love & connection, security, challenges, significance, growth, and contribution – meaning and purpose. (See also my Newsletter from June 30, 2010: “Getting your six needs”: http://patrickwanis.com/blog/index.php/2010/06/30/getting-your-six-needs/ )

Common humanity is one of the key messages of the 1985 classic film “The Breakfast Club”: beneath their obvious external differences, the geek, the sports jock, the princess, the criminal and the kook are in essence all the same, sharing the same fears, hopes, deepest emotions and problems.

However, there are also critical ways in which we are very different and that, in turn, can destroy relationships and our general happiness & enjoyment of life.

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In this week’s Success Newsletter, I would like to reveal the roots of anger and the ways to neutralize anger by removing its roots.

First a quick update:

****  Attention life coaches, therapists & hypnotists only – For the first time ever, I am offering a training course and certification to learn my unique therapeutic technique “Subconscious Rapid Transformation Technique” (SRTT) – the most effective way of any to get greater, better, faster results for your clients, while making more per session, and in half the time. And it is the only technique where you can book sessions with clients no matter where they are, AND no matter where YOU are…working over the phone! At the time of writing this, eight people have signed up and that means there are only seven spots left – I am only accepting fifteen people into the course. So hurry now: http://patrickwanis.com/srtt/

****  “Get the man you want” – Listen to the interview I will be giving to Lucia – The Art of Love Radio Show about my book “Get the man you want” -  live at www.latalkradio.com this Sunday August 29th at 3pm PT/6pm EST

Now, let’s talk about the roots of anger.

Recently, I was explaining to a reporter that the incident involving the Jetblue flight attendant (who responded to an angry passenger by expressing anger himself when he quit his job and opened the emergency parachute to escape) is a sign of rampant stress in our society. And yes, stress can lead to outbursts of anger and even rage. But anger has many more causes than stress.

The dictionary defines anger as an emotion – a feeling of strong displeasure and belligerence. But anger is much more than that. Anger is the almost immediate response to being hurt, injured or wronged; the hurt or injury can be a physical, emotional or psychological pain. Beneath that anger is a deeper pain. In other words, while the unsafe expression of anger can cause problems, anger in itself is not the problem, but rather, it is the symptom of another problem, emotion or belief.

For example, Jonathan came to me concerned because he was having sudden feelings of a desire to hurt someone. Jonathan told me that he would be walking along the street when he would be overcome with anger and wanted to lash out and hit someone – anyone and everyone. Jonathan couldn’t identify a specific reason or trigger to his anger; he could be having a great day and then be out on the street for lunch when he would experience a sudden urge to hurt someone.

Jonathan’s case reminded me of a couple of people I worked with on the Montel Williams TV show a few years ago. The episode in question dealt exclusively with explosive anger. One man, James, age 31 was married with a young baby. He called himself a ticking time bomb; he would have sudden outbursts of anger, smashing and breaking things and thus endangering his child. While on set, a guest psychiatrist asked James if he had undergone tests to examine his brain because this psychiatrist believed there was something neurologically wrong with James. I immediately intervened and said to Montel that I did not believe there was anything wrong with James’ brain but rather that his anger was triggered from the horrible experiences James had suffered as a child – he was molested and abused by a family member, and then later abused and molested by the parents who adopted him; the very people that were supposed to love and protect him, not only betrayed his trust, they physically and emotionally abused him. Thus, James’ anger was geared at the world which he felt was unsafe, had betrayed him and hurt him.

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In this week’s Success Newsletter, I would like to discuss the ways we lose our dream and aspirations in life and reveal to you how to get back your dreams, aspirations and inspiration.

First a quick update:

**** Only 15 places – For the first time ever, I am offering a training course and certification to learn my coaching/therapeutic techniques, my “Subconscious Rapid Transformation Technique” (SRTT) – the technique I use with my clients from housewives and mothers to business owners, sports athletes and celebrities. If you are a life coach, counselor, therapist, hypnotherapist, NLP practitioner or psychotherapist, then this training course is for you – if you want greater faster results and you want to expand your business. Click here:

 http://patrickwanis.com/srtt/

Now, let’s talk about losing your dream and how to get it back.

Recently, two similar cases with clients revealed that it is easy to lose your dream – your goals, aspirations and desires.

Peter, a business man, last year, left his job of six years and then stayed only a short while at the next job because he realized it was not a fit for him. Some months had passed and now Peter told me that he had lost his self-confidence, felt lost, confused and doubtful of his talents and whether or not he even wanted to do the same job again.

Jenny had been ill for many years and was now back and healthy and strong. But the bills for doctors and hospital coverage had been exorbitant and her husband was forced to work for long hours six and seven days a week with almost no time off for vacation. Jenny told me she was feeling lost, confused and generally down with no motivation or excitement for life.

Peter and Jenny shared common challenges.

We all start out with a dream or many dreams – something we want to do, be or have. It might be a longing to be an artist or a performer, to travel, to have a family and raise children, to live in a particular place or country, to live a certain lifestyle, to start a company or create a product, to succeed in a particular field, and so forth.

Along the way, though, come the obstacles and challenges to our dream: stress, life changes, responsibilities, failures, illness, etc. Sometimes, we also find ourselves switching our priorities – even unconsciously – and we are left doubting ourselves, with a feeling that something is amiss because we are not longing for what was our original dream or passion. (For example, one actress told me she was tired of the auditioning and traveling and now wanted security and a family but felt guilty that maybe she was giving up her passion.)

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In this week’s Success Newsletter, I would like to reveal how regrets can actually be very positive.

First a quick update:

****  JetBlue attendant flips out – a sign of rampant stress in society - Read the interview I gave to a reporter from the Chicago Tribune about Steven Slater, The JetBlue flight attendant who became so fed up with an argument with a passenger, that he flipped out, cursed the passenger over the intercom, grabbed a beer and then deployed the emergency slide at New York’s Kennedy Airport. I reveal the link between Slater’s actions, rampant stress in society, frustration with rude people, a backlash against big corporations and increasingly decaying work conditions and pressure.
http://patrickwanis.com/blog/index.php/2010/08/11/jetblue-attendant-a-symbol-of-rampant-stress/

****  Charlie Sheen: “I’ll kill you” – According to a police report, actor Charlie Sheen threatened his wife, saying “I’ll kill you.” Brooke Mueller says her husband Charlie Sheen sat on her, strangled her, and held a knife to her throat on Christmas day. Listen to the interview I gave to Alan Stock host of Newsradio 840 KXNT when I point out that the case of Charlie Sheen and Mel Gibson have both failed to highlight the serious issue of domestic violence and too many people including groups that represent survivors of domestic abuse have remained silent about Charlie Sheen; favoritism and money are reasons that Charlie Sheen or his TV show “Two and a half men” are not being boycotted. http://patrickwanis.com/RadioInterviews.asp#illkillyou  

Click here to read the transcript of this interview: http://patrickwanis.com/blog/index.php/2010/08/10/charlie-sheen-ill-kill-you/

****  Learn my coaching/therapeutic techniques – it’s almost ready – I will be offering for the first time, a training course on my “Subconscious Rapid Transformation Technique” (SRTT.) Look for an email in the next few days.

Now, let’s talk about regrets and how they can actually be beneficial.

This summer’s blockbuster movie “Inception” features a soundtrack by Hans Zimmer that originates from Edit Piaf’s famous French song from 1960: “Non, Je Ne Regrette Rien” – no, I regret nothing. In fact, the song matches Inception because the theme of regret weaves throughout the film.  In Inception, “Non, Je Ne Regrette Rien” is used to signal the various characters that it is time to wake up and/or “kick up” into a higher dream level. The English translation of “Non, Je Ne Regrette Rien”:

No, nothing at all, I regret nothing at all

Not the good, nor the bad. It is all the same.

No, nothing at all, I have no regrets about anything.

It is paid, wiped away, forgotten.

I am not concerned with the past, with my memories.

I set fire to my pains and pleasures,

I don’t need them anymore.

I have wiped away my loves and my troubles

Swept them all away

I am starting again from zero.

No, nothing at all, I have no regrets

Because from today, my life, my happiness, everything,

Starts with you!

What does it mean to regret or have regrets?

The dictionary defines regret as to feel sorry or sad that something has happened; a feeling of sorrow, remorse or guilt for a fault, act, loss, disappointment, etc.

Wikipedia defines regret as “a negative conscious and emotional reaction to personal past acts and behaviors.” But Wikipedia is mistaken as I will explain shortly.

We all have regrets of some sort; something in our past that we wish we could have done differently; maybe we wish we had not said those hurtful words or maybe we wish we had not treated that person in that way; maybe we even feel sad or sorry for something we didn’t do or didn’t say. Is there someone in your life who has passed on and to whom you wish you had said those words – “I love you” or “I forgive you”?

Like Wikipedia, some counselors and therapists believe that regrets are negative but that is not true. Yes, regrets can lead to guilt but sometimes we need to feel regret and guilt for things we did or didn’t do.

Why?

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In this week’s Success Newsletter, I would like to respond to a blogger’s comments to me which raised the question: when it comes to cheating, are women innocent?

First a quick update:

****  Learn my coaching/therapeutic techniques – in response to numerous requests, look for an email this week when I will be offering for the first time, a training course on my “Subconscious Rapid Transformation Technique” (SRTT)

**** Interventions & addiction – If you had a friend or family member who was out of control and nothing works, what would you do to help them? Watch the series of four TV interviews I gave on The Morning Show:

When to do an intervention – Patrick Wanis PhD Pt.1
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MrY-10AkqqE

Interventions & addiction – Patrick Wanis PhD Pt. 2
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DSIQmd7ldgo

Interventions – can you help? – Patrick Wanis PhD Pt. 3
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VRFOM73z4oo  

Interventions – How to do an intervention – Patrick Wanis PhD Pt. 4
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_AcKI_MghbE

Now, let’s talk about cheating and if women are innocent or not.

In a press release I issued in October 2008, “So much wrong with women”, I responded to a book by Gary Neuman, a marriage counselor, who claims when men cheat it’s women’s fault because they don’t show enough appreciation to their man.  http://patrickwanis.com/blog/index.php/2008/10/09/so-much-wrong-with-women/

Neuman says women are to blame when men cheat. He says the no. 1 reason men cheat is “feeling underappreciated – a lack of thoughtful gestures” by the woman. He says cheaters are not the bad, rotten guys; “they can also be nice guys that get lost and do the wrong thing.”

In the above press release, and in subsequent interviews I gave, I revealed the major errors in Neuman’s conclusions. For example, first: no one else is to blame for the way we choose to respond to the way someone treats us. We cannot argue ‘you forced me to cheat’ or ‘you left me no other choice.’ Second: we alone are responsible and accountable for our own actions. While Neuman says that for 20 years he has heard the number one reason from men for their cheating is ‘feeling underappreciated’, I would argue that that is not the number one reason, rather, it is the number one excuse. I teach that cheating is about power, opportunity, instant gratification and lack of self-discipline and self-control.

(Read more of my responses in the transcript of the interview I gave to the syndicated radio show “Hits and Favorites” with Richard and Lori about “women to blame for men cheating” : http://patrickwanis.com/blog/index.php/2009/06/29/women-to-blame-for-men-cheating/ )

After reading my release, this week, one blogger on my website wrote a lengthy scathing comment, accusing me of favoring women and saying that “The bias against men in this article is glaringly obvious and pathetic.” Neoeritas wrote:

“Wanis like most others in our culture give women way to much movement while condemning men for the same failings…I suspect that his clientele are mostly if not exclusively female. I am also surprised that there is a PHD behind his name as one would think that someone with such a level of education would not make such sweepingly condemning statements to one gender. Women are not inherently innocent as our culture and they would like everyone to believe. They are just as capable of neglect, abuse, and cheating as men. And yes, they are also responsible for choosing their own responses.”

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In this week’s Success Newsletter, I would like to reveal ways to overcome other people’s opinions including peer pressure.

First a quick update:

****  Mel Gibson, Charlie Sheen & Battered Woman’s Syndrome:

While people are angry at Mel Gibson they are ignoring Charlie Sheen who has been charged with allegedly putting a knife to his wife’s throat. Why? Listen to the radio interview I gave to Russ Morley, host of 850 WFTL. I also explain that we give free-passes to people we like and we react harsher to racist remarks than we do to actual violence against women – although both are seriously wrong.
http://patrickwanis.com/RadioInterviews.asp#RacismViolence  

Read the transcript of the interview here:

http://patrickwanis.com/blog/index.php/2010/07/26/mel-gibson-charlie-sheen-battered-womans-syndrome/  

Now, let’s talk about how to become independent of the opinion of others.

Recently, I bought a new pair of sunglasses. “Look at the ocean and sky through these glasses” I would say excitedly as I passed them around. And people responded with amazement. These glasses – High Definition, polarized with a golden tint – made the world look completely different. The colors became more intense, the light was much brighter, the contrast was startling and the shapes were so much clearer while the soft golden glow made everything seem so much warmer and happier.

And as I walked away, I smiled as I pondered about how every one of us sees the world through our own glasses and just how different the world looks to each of us. And yes, there can be a lot of pleasure when we see the world through someone else’s eyes but pain can arise when someone tries to make us live the way they do.

For example, this week, I received a phone call from a distraught friend.

Julia is about to celebrate her 27^th birthday but she feels so much pressure from her friends. Julia wants to find love, a partner, have children and build a family but her friends don’t agree. Julia’s friends want her to continue working and build her career.

“You have to be independent; you can’t rely on men” her friends admonished her.

‘But I would happy being traditional; I would be happy being a stay at home mom’ Julia would tell them.

Julia expressed her disappointment and frustration to me: “I feel so lost Patrick; I feel so pressured by my friends that I just don’t know what to do now.”

‘This is a challenge we all face, Julia; do we live for ourselves, following our heart, or do we live for others, living to please them?’ I responded.

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In this week’s Success Newsletter, I would like to reveal the ways our biases and prejudices control our behavior and decisions and how that relates to Shirley Sherrod, domestic violence and Mel Gibson & Charlie Sheen.

First a quick update:

**** Battered Woman’s Syndrome - Did Mel Gibson’s girlfriend Oksana fail to call the police or walk out immediately when threatened or allegedly abused because she suffers from Battered Woman’s Syndrome? And will this incident potentially harm the cases and claims of other women who have been battered? Read my article on my blog:

http://patrickwanis.com/blog/index.php/2010/07/19/battered-womans-syndrome/

****  Stop listening to Mel Gibson – separating art from the artist: Listen to the radio interview I gave Australia’s Derryn Hinch on news talk 3AW where we debate whether or not we should let an artist’s personal life and morality determine our appreciation of the art.

http://patrickwanis.com/RadioInterviews.asp

****  Lindsay Lohan’s real issue  – Read my responses, analysis and insights that I gave to a reporter’s questions about Lindsay Lohan about what her real issue is; I also offer unique insight into why Sandra Bullock kisses Scarlet Johansson during the MTV Movie Awards:
http://patrickwanis.com/blog/index.php/2010/07/20/lindsay-lohans-real-issue/

Now, let’s talk about prejudice and bias and the way that determines and controls our behavior, actions and decisions.

The dictionary defines bias as a preference or an inclination, especially one that inhibits impartial judgment; an unfair act stemming from prejudice. And prejudice is defined as an adverse judgment or opinion formed beforehand or without knowledge or examination of the facts; a preconceived preference or idea.

Most of us will argue that we are not bias or prejudice, that in fact, we are fair and we look at the facts and both sides of the argument, free of emotional sway, before making our conclusions or forming our opinions.

However, studies reveal that most of us have hidden biases; we have subconscious prejudices and our emotions tend to control us.

A study conducted in 2004, led by Drew Westen, Director of Clinical Psychology at Emory University revealed that both Republicans and Democrats clearly ignored facts that were contrary to their point of view.

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In this week’s Success Newsletter, I would like reveal three critical lessons that can be learned from Mel Gibson’s meltdown.

First a quick update:

****  Mel Gibson’s rant: Listen to the radio interview I gave to Russ Morley of news talk 850 WFTL for insights and analysis:

http://patrickwanis.com/RadioInterviews.asp

**** Lindsay Lohan’s real issues -  read my comments to Gil Kaufman of MTV news:
http://www.mtv.com/news/articles/1643256/20100708/story.jhtml

Now, let’s talk about what can be learned from Mel Gibson’s meltdown.

The media has been rife with playbacks of an audio recording of a phone call between Mel Gibson and his girlfriend Oksana Gregorieva – mother of their 8-month old child and mother to James Bond star Timothy Dalton’s 12-year-old child. The recording contains Mel Gibson speaking astonishing profanity, making racist remarks, misogynistic comments and a death threat against Oksana. It’s also been alleged that Mel Gibson had hit her in the face earlier this year resulting in broken teeth. Oksana refers to that alleged assault and Gibson does not seem to refute it on the tape.

Let me begin by clearly stating that there is no justification whatsoever for hitting a woman or making a death threat against a woman. Of course, the police in certain situations will disagree with the comment about hitting a woman, as evidenced in recent cases in the past thirty days: a policeman in Seattle punched a young woman in the face during a scuffle; El Reno police Tasered an 86-year-old disabled grandma in her bed because the old woman “took a more aggressive posture in her bed” and; an 87-year-old woman died after being shocked with a Taser by a sheriff’s deputy – she was waving around a pellet gun and not an actual firearm.

The first point here is that the Mel Gibson incident has again raised the issue of domestic violence. In the phone call, Oksana, who is apparently in Mel Gibson’s home during the call says she is scared for her life and the life of her child but she fails to report the prior assault incident to the police; nor does she report the death threat, nor does she leave his house immediately and seek safety somewhere else, such as in a woman’s shelter.

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In this week’s Success Newsletter, I would like discuss the question “What were you thinking?” and explain why almost all of our decisions are emotionally driven and how the understanding of that is a key to success.

First a quick update:

**** The Psychology of Anger: Listen to the interview I gave to Jim Peake of MysuccessGateway.com about anger – what anger really is, the emotions that lie beneath anger, how to safely release anger and why simply trying to manage anger isn’t the solution.

http://patrickwanis.com/montel/PsychologyOfAnger/Packages.asp  

Now, let’s talk about our emotions and the way they affect our decisions and behavior.

What do all of these people have in common?

King David and Bathsheba

Samson and Delilah

Sen. Gary Hart and Donna Rice

Jim Bakker and Jessica Hahn

Sen. John Edwards and Rielle Hunter

Sen. Chuck Robb and Tai Collins

Gov. Elliot Spitzer and Ashley Dupre

Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick and Christina Beatty

Robert Moffat and Danielle Chiesi

Yes, the above is a list of powerful men who had affairs and eventually suffered a downfall but it is also a list of men who were led by their emotions. Of course, it will be argued that men are the first to cheat but famous women have also cheated, strayed and betrayed such as LeeAnn Rimes who left her husband Dean Sheremet for Eddie Cibrian or Jennifer Lopez who had an affair with Ben Affleck while married to Chris Judd or Julia Roberts who had an affair with married cameraman Danny Moder.

But this newsletter is not about those types of scandals. The above simply serve as extreme examples of the way emotions rule us and can ruin us.

Contrary to what we would like to believe – that we are highly advanced beings – humans are still controlled by their emotions. Think for one moment about your response to the above examples; did you give a pass to anyone of those people in the above list because he or she might be a favorite of yours and is your decision and response based on logic or emotion?

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In this week’s Success Newsletter, I would like to reveal the six human needs and how they affect us, our experiences and our enjoyment of life.

First a quick update:

****  Spotting the emotional vampire: Watch the TV interview I gave to Dave and Kristin of The Morning Show about emotional vampires. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mo3zKlx89FE&feature=youtube_gdata and then read my newsletter and my answers to reader’s questions about Dealing with emotional vampires archived in my blog – June 10, 2009  http://patrickwanis.com/blog/index.php/2009/06/10/dealing-with-emotional-vampires/

Now, let’s talk about the six human needs we all share.

I would like to begin by distinguishing needs from desires. A desire is a want, a wish, a longing, a yearning or a craving. A desire is not as critical as a need. I define need as necessity; a requirement or an urgent want or requisite.

We all share the most basic needs for survival; the physical needs of food, water and shelter. It can also be argued that love is a need for physical survival as I reveal in my book, “Soul Mates”: http://patrickwanis.com/FindSoulMateLoveBook.asp

 “In his book The Science of Love, Anthony Walsh defines love as “that which satisfies our need to receive and bestow affection and nurturing; to give and be given assurances of value, respect, acceptance and appreciation; and to feel secure in our unity with, and belonging to, a particular, family.”

He identifies three types of love – parental, social and romantic – and says that maternal love (or similar) is a prerequisite for survival.

Anthony cites studies involving children who suffered love deprivation and lack of physical contact. The results indicate that they were vulnerable to a host of diseases, that their intelligence was lower and that their rates of criminal behavior and mental illness were higher.

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