First a quick update:

ü  Getting over it – If you want to break away from the pain of a breakup, betrayal or rejection and if you want to be happy, excited and alive again, open to love and life, then use my 3 CD set Getting over it. “You helped me to overcome my divorce. I was in an abusive relationship and your help was so powerful to me and inspirational. I am a stronger person now and I feel much better that I’m no longer in that relationship anymore. Thank you so much because I don’t know how I would’ve gotten over it if it weren’t for your help.” - Melissa L.

http://patrickwanis.com/getoverit_package.asp

Now, let’s talk about love and infatuation and how to distinguish one from the other.

So much has been written about love in poetry, music, books, songs and films. Many people have strived to define and even categorize love in its many forms: puppy love, mature love, platonic love, spiritual love, unconditional love, agape love, maternal love, paternal love, tragic love, etc.

There are four different Greek words and terms for love:

Philia refers to love in friendship; the caring and concern for one’s fellow human beings. The city of Philadelphia gets its name from Philia and thus it is known as the city of brotherly love.

Storge – is parental love and affection felt towards one’s children or offspring.

Eros is sensual love; the love of attraction; the concept of being “in love” but it can also refer to an evolved appreciation of one’s beauty inside and out.

Agape – is an unselfish love; unconditional love - when you give without expecting anything in return.

Many people confuse love and infatuation, particularly in the early stages of dating and courting.

You might recall the famous movie and musical “Grease” and the hit song “Summer Nights.” Although the song refers to teen love and the concept of magnetic attraction, it also sums up many aspects of infatuation:

Danny: Summer lovin’ had me a blast

Everyone: Tell me more, tell me more!

I often explain infatuation as romantic love - when you only care about what you can receive and feel with this person. So what are the other signs and differences between love and infatuation?

Romance

Love - The romance builds and develops slowly as the couple get to know each other; this can take time - months or even years.                  

Infatuation - As summed up in “Summer Nights”, the romance happens very fast, before the couple get to know each other – this can happen in a matter of hours or just a few days.

Attraction

Love - Attraction is based on all aspects of the other person’s characteristics and traits – physical, mental, emotional and spiritual;                  

Infatuation - Attraction is based purely on the other person’s physical appearance and characteristics Sandy says, I met a boy cute as can be.”

Caring

Love reveals an unselfish caring about the interests and wellbeing of the other person

Infatuation is selfish and almost parasitic; best summed up by “What can this person/relationship do for me?”

Focus

Love focuses on the one partner, thus leading to commitment and loyalty.

Infatuation focuses on whoever can satisfy the need in the moment - usually several people – and thus usually lacks loyalty and fidelity.

Motivation

Love motivates you to want to be a better person; In the famous movie, “As Good as it Gets”, Jack Nicholson plays a bitter, cynical man who struggles to give any compliments because he has lived by criticizing people and finally he tells Helen Hunt “You make me want to be a better man.” 

Infatuation has a destructive and disorganizing effect; one or both partners lose interest in other areas of life or forego responsibilities; obsessions are created.

Perspective

Love allows you to see the other person as a whole being – “warts and all”; viewing him/her realistically with all of their faults and still loving and accepting them as they are. This does not refer to allowing the other person to mistreat you.                              

Infatuation is denial, ignoring any doubts or flaws not out of love but rather out of  a desperate desire to create a fantasy and fill the inner emptiness; the denial and delusion lead to the belief that the other person seems perfect.

Arguments

Love - Of course, there are arguments but you are able to reasonably resolve them with communication and open discussion.

Infatuation - Arguments begin almost from the outset of the relationship, are more frequent and almost never truly resolved. Instead they are ignored, washed over and suppressed with a kiss or hug. Eventually, resentment sets in and old unresolved arguments and issues are raised each time there is a new argument.

Giving

Love is selfless: There is a natural desire to share and give to the other person; you enjoy giving and you describe the relationship in terms of “we.”

Infatuation is selfish. You focus on satisfying your needs and desires (often physical) and focus on how much the other person can give to you; you think in terms of “me.”

Separation

Love survives time apart as well as physical and geographical separation; love survives because of a deeper bond and foundation and because of mutual appreciation and respect.

Infatuation doesn’t survive separation or time apart; the foundation is primarily whimsical and the flame quickly dies or either partner quickly turns to someone else to replace the need for the attention and physical connection.

Termination and transformation

Love ends slowly and usually transforms into a friendship.

Infatuation ends the way it began – rapidly – and rarely transforms into friendship (of course, resentment, bitterness, rejection or a lack of forgiveness can also create this result.)

Infatuation in adulthood is not love but rather an urge, a sense of desperation to fill a need (attention, emptiness, low self-esteem, validation, etc.) Infatuation is always one-sided and just as the season of summer reveals, the heat begins and ends abruptly. Love, on the other hand, matures and develops; love survives and continues evolving and transforming just like the four seasons - spring, summer, winter and fall.

If you would like to comment on this newsletter, go to www.patrickwanis.com/blog   if you have received this newsletter as a forward and would like to receive all of my newsletters please enter your email address on the home page at PatrickWanis.com.

I wish you the best and remind you “Believe in yourself -You deserve the best!”

Patrick Wanis Ph.D.
Celebrity Life Coach, Human Behavior & Relationship Expert & Clinical Hypnotherapist
www.patrickwanis.com

First a quick update:

ü  Why we are obsessed with celebrities – Read the transcript of the interview I gave to Diego Rubio from the Colombian magazine Semana, about the reasons people are obsessed with celebrities, how celebrities are created and branded, why we worship celebrities but also enjoy tearing them down, and; the way that the media affects our thinking & beliefs and leads us to conform.

http://patrickwanis.com/blog/index.php/2010/03/02/why-we-are-obsessed-with-celebrities/

Now, let’s talk about angry and nagging men.

There was a very old TV commercial in Australia about a man who answers a knock at the door. The man is obviously frustrated by the disturbance as he proceeds to angrily inform the stranger at the door that he is bothering him, “the kids are screaming, my wife is nagging and I got a lousy sore throat.” The stranger immediately calms the man down as he offers him relief for his sore throat with a lozenge. The man responds with a smile and appears relieved.

Although we all understand that a lozenge is not the answer to our family frustration, the commercial stood out to me because it portrayed the stereotype of the nagging wife. And of course, we often hear the same comment about nagging wives in the form of jokes. However, men – husbands – can also be naggers.

Recently, I was speaking with a friend who is now divorced and she related to me how much happier she is now that she no longer has to hear at home what she referred to as “the male nagging voice.” Of course, that sparked my interest and shock as she went onto explain that her husband would come home from work and often be nagging and complaining about something; often nagging and complaining about everything that she was doing; he would constantly ask her “why?” He would question everything that his wife did and she never felt that she could do anything right in his eyes.

After speaking with another divorced female client, Paula, I recognized that there seemed to be a pattern as she told me almost the same thing: her husband, Nick, nagged, complained and always criticized most of her choices. Paula felt that he was always judging, condemning and criticizing her; he never praised her or supported her choices and was often asking her, “Why?”

So “why” would these men be nagging their wives so much?

In both cases, it seems that the husbands who worked long hours felt left out of the decision-making process and that left each of them feeling as if he had no power or involvement in the day-to-day running of the home or the raising of the children.

However, in the second example, Paula’s husband went beyond nagging, he was heavily criticizing and condemning Paula and often expressing anger and frustration towards her. Paula began to feel cold, closed off and resentful towards Nick.

Nick felt frustrated with his life and with his marriage; Nick was also angry because he felt his physical needs were not being met by his wife.

In yet another similar case, Peter, was also angry and frustrated with his life, stress and marriage. And he, too, felt that his wife was not meeting his physical needs – in fact they almost had a non-existent physical connection.

In the interview I gave to Joanie Winberg CEO of the National Association of Divorce Women & Children, speaking about “The Putt Putt Syndrome”, I explained that men traditionally express their love to their wife by providing and by lovemaking. http://patrickwanis.com/blog/index.php/2010/02/15/is-your-relationship-suffering-from-the-putt-putt-syndrome/

However, in all of the cases above, each of these three men was also destroying the love within the marriage by his nagging and whining and/or by his constant harsh criticism and judgment. What these men failed to realize is that the more each one condemned and nagged his wife (for not doing what he wanted her to do or out of frustration of feeling helpless and powerless), the further away he was pushing her; the less worse his wife would feel and the tighter she would shut down.

While the nagging voice slowly pushes away a partner and chips away at the love & bond, anger destroys love quickly as it creates resentment and eventually contempt. Once contempt sets in the relationship or marriage is dead.

There are a number of lessons here from these cases and examples.

Many relationships and marriages lack open and empathetic communication. Some people never ask for what they want and need, while others overly demand it and when they don’t get it, they then become either verbally abusive or critical and condemnatory i.e. you are not giving me what I want so I am going to hurt you back.

Open and empathetic communication refers to being able to ask for what you want and need and to be able to listen and be willing to give the other person what they need. In other words, it is about listening and understanding the reasons the other person is not meeting your needs – be it a limitation on their part or a response to your behavior. Open and empathetic communication is also about accepting responsibility for your own actions which are affecting the other person’s choices and behavior. Thomas Chandler Haliburton, the 19^th century author, wrote: “When a man is wrong and won’t admit it, he always gets angry.”

So, in the case of Paula and Nick, the more he chooses to attack his wife with his nagging and criticism, the more she will choose to shut him out.

The second point is about responsibility and taking the lead. Almost all three men felt that they did not have a sufficient say in the decision-making process. Instead of taking the lead when appropriate, they would stand back and wait till the wife made the decision and then they would criticize it. The answer is to 1. Find the balance between which decisions need to be made mutually, which ones can be made by one person (designate responsibility) and 2. Be responsible and take the lead – make the decisions that are empowering to the relationship – particularly with regards to romance and courting - such as date night, outings, etc – the areas that the wife would welcome the man to lead and any others that are mutually agreed and 3. Involve yourself more in the activities with the children so that you do not feel left out, powerless or not consulted.

When one accepts responsibility and stops blaming the other person, anger and frustration become neutralized.

The third point is about gratitude and action. In each of the cases, these men were focusing on everything that was wrong in their life and failing to focus on what was good. For example, Peter is a successful businessman with three happy, healthy children and a loyal and loving wife. It is true that they did not have a physical connection but this occurred because Peter chose to lose himself in his career and allow his wife to accept full responsibility for the children. Thus, the result is they were living in almost two worlds and became like roommates. Peter’s choice is to focus on what is good in his life, stop the nagging and resentment towards his wife and begin to take the steps to revive the love and physical connection between him and his wife.

Most men do not want to change and are surprised that their wife has changed. But then they refuse to accept that they have negatively affected the outcome and that they can now affect it in a positive way. Again, please note I am not here saying that the man is all wrong and the wife is perfect nor vice versa. However, when a person waits for the other one to change and she does, too, then the stalemate occurs.

The final point relates to anger and emotional reactions. Anger is the first response to being hurt or to not getting what one wants. We can learn to say no to emotional reactions without repressing them; we can learn to not engage the frustration, anger, nagging, judgment or blame and instead use the steps I mentioned above:

1. Open & empathetic communication
2. Responsibility and taking the lead
3. Gratitude and action

Finally, regardless of your gender or your marital status, it is vital to remember that in every relationship – business, romance or friendship – constant nagging, criticism and anger turns off the other person; it makes them feel bad around you, lowers their self-confidence and encourages them to react negatively to you and; it leads to deep frustration and resentment which then leads to the greatest killer of every relationship - contempt.

If you would like to comment on this newsletter, go to www.patrickwanis.com/blog   if you have received this newsletter as a forward and would like to receive all of my newsletters please enter your email address on the home page at PatrickWanis.com.

I wish you the best and remind you “Believe in yourself -You deserve the best!”

Patrick Wanis Ph.D.
Celebrity Life Coach, Human Behavior & Relationship Expert & Clinical Hypnotherapist
www.patrickwanis.com

Diego Rubio:            The first thing I would like to know is about Brangelina. Brad and Angelina are kind of a brand, and they are so important for the entertainment industry; everybody is so obsessed with them. Why? And what is it about this specific couple that gets all the attention of the public?

Dr. Patrick Wanis     Well, there are two key points and what I refer to as “levels.” The first point or level is that within the entertainment industry, there are people that are always looking to create a brand, something bigger than life, something bigger than the rest of us. And what I mean by that is, Brad was once voted as the world’s sexiest man alive and Angelina was also recognized as one of the most beautiful women alive and one of the most sexiest women. So when two powerful people like this come together you have the sexiest man and the most beautiful and sexiest woman, then the public, in its mind is creating something that is a symbol of perfection. It also becomes a brand where we look up to them and we all wish, we all dream, we all aspire to be like them. Just like “Oh, I wish I could be as handsome as Brad; I wish I could be as beautiful as Angelina; I wish I could be that couple.” But the concept and identification always begins within the media. The media creates that and what I mean by the media is that today more than ever there is so much competition to get the attention of the public because there were so many magazines and media outlets competing against each other…

Diego Rubio:            Within the media you are talking about?

Dr. Patrick Wanis     Yes, within the media. There are so many magazines, so many TV shows, so many Internet sites and they desperately need and are always on the lookout and searching to find something strong and powerful and loud and sexy to get the attention of the public. Thus, they are always looking to create something. Paris Hilton was a creation. That means someone, a group of people find her and say “We can make money for you, we can make money with you, we are going to do the following…” and they start to market her and then they pay her to go to big parties and at the parties people start to take photos of her, the paparazzi sell her photos to magazines, newspapers, websites and television and, voila, they have now created her; they have created a new star and celebrity.

                                    Of course, Brad and Angelina were already stars but when you put these two powerful stars together you now have something else new and seductive and attractive that you can put on the cover of magazines. Of course, within Hollywood there is a lot of interest in Brad and Angelina because they are such big movie stars. What I mean when I say “big movie star” is that they not only make a lot of money but they make a lot of money for other people so if Brat Pitt is in a movie and the movie is successful, he is making money for a lot of people, and that makes him a powerful man. The same applies to Angelina Jolie. So within the industry they are already very powerful people and when you put the two powerful people together then every one starts to take more notice, everyone gives them more attention.

Diego Rubio:            Of course, but I have a question. This is a specific to the entertainment industry, and yes, the public wants to be like them, but why is it the public is so interested in their lives, not only Brad and Angelina’s life but in the lives of all the famous couples that join in Hollywood? Do you think this is because people feel lonely and because people want to be like them?

Dr. Patrick Wanis:    It’s more than loneliness and at the beginning of this interview I said, there were two things, two levels. The second thing…

Diego Rubio:            Yeah, the second thing…

Dr. Patrick Wanis:    The second point is about the public and an admiration for achievers and powerful people; It’s what you and I, as individual people look for and seek; and for a long time we have always looked up to celebrities. In the 1950’s, you had Audrey Hepburn, Marliyn Monroe and Cary Grant. So we have always looked up to people, but the difference is that we respected their talent; we admired them for their talent as actors and actresses and we also got interested in a little bit of their life, how they were living, and their glamorous lifestyle. We also tend to cling to people who entertain us or connect with us emotionally – via their singing, acting, dancing talent or the characters they portray in movies or on television.

                                    Further, there is a vast difference in the way western society has evolved from the 1950s to the 2010s: Progressively in the western world we have become so much greedier than before. We have become much more lustful and we have become what I call much more narcissistic. That means we are always focused on getting more attention, on getting more praise, on getting people to notice us. And so, what we do is, we turn to celebrities because we dream about being like them, we dream about having their power, their money, their status, their glamorous life. Accordingly, we start to get lost in the myth; the myth that being a celebrity means my life will be easy, it will be beautiful, I will have everything I want and most of all I will be happy.

Diego Rubio:            But when rumors come along like this, of Brad and Angelina breaking up, do you think this affects these people that are living vicariously through Brad and Angelina’s relationship or wishing to be like them? Does it affect the public?

Dr. Patrick Wanis:    Yes, it does affect them. Yes, it does and I will explain that. When we look at these people we are also looking to them so that we can escape our own life; the life that we feel is boring or mundane or mediocre or uninteresting or we think “My life will never get better and my life is so empty, so I look up to these people; and I think they have everything that I want to have, they are everything I want to be and they do all  the things that I would love to do; to take the big vacations, to drive in the cars, to dress in expensive clothes, to go to the parties.” Now the irony or the paradox is that we want to put people up high, on a pedestal, so that we can worship them and then there is a part of us inside, that also wants to tear them down, to bring them down off of the pedestal. So in one breath we are saying, “Oh this is so great, this is so fantastic” and then after a while we become more frustrated with our life, and we say “Oh good! Their life is falling apart and because they are having problems in their life, now I don’t feel so bad about the problems in my life” and occasionally it reminds us that “Oh, being a celebrity is not that fantastic.”

                                    Further, we as humans love to get caught up in the drama, in the theatrics of what is happening today and so in 2010, the life and the lifestyle of a celebrity has become a real soap opera like you call it in Spanish “Telenovela” (Spanish TV soap opera.) So the celebrities are every day, living a Telenovela, and we are living it with them because now we know this story will never end. It won’t end at 2 o’ clock today; it won’t end in a month; it will keep going and going. And we also know that we are much closer to this Telenovela, the real life Telenovela than we are to the Telenovela on television because we are buying the magazine, we are seeing the pictures, we watch the interviews, there is much more of them for us to consume. But yes, there is a part of us and this is called our insecurity, our self-doubt and our jealousy that makes us want to see them also fail. It makes us want to see the celebrities fail rather than succeed and that stems from our ego, from our own failings; when things go wrong in our life, or we are feeling self-doubt or hopelessness and we look at our own life and we think “I can never ever be like him, I can never be like her, so if I cannot come up to him and her, I want him and her to come down to me.” Of course, this is a subconscious process not a conscious process, and it is based on easing our feelings of inadequacy and failure. Do you understand what I mean by that?

Diego Rubio:            Yeah, I understand because it’s what is happening here with the soap operas and it is what happens in Hollywood with these couples but I have another question about it. Is this brand Brangelina going to keep being such an important brand or important couple for decades, like this myth and fantasy or do you think it’s something we just care about because we are living it in this precise moment?

Dr. Patrick Wanis:    Well, there are 2 reasons, or 2 things I want to say. First, the brand is also stronger if we call it a brand and or when their power becomes greater and much wider than before. For example, they are involved in other things outside of movies; they are also involved in charities and they have adopted children. Thus, their story becomes much more interesting and then because they have adopted children, we have something to watch that will go on for much longer as we watch the children grow and develop. But to answer your question, no it cannot last for much longer, it cannot last for decades unless they keep creating; creating in the form of movies and films and; if they can continue producing the events, the gossip, the drama, the theatrics. But remember too, we the public will get tired of them because someone new will come along.

                                    See Brad and Angelina replaced someone before them and that couple or brand might have been Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman, now Brad and Angelina are the next younger ones. Now in 5 or 10 years, because we are so vain and artificial, we will look at them and say “Ah, they are getting old” and then we will find the next young couple that we can create drama about and attach ourselves.

                                    I would also like to add one more key point that I have not yet mentioned about the reasons we find ourselves so interested and obsessing with celebrities. I mentioned earlier that there are more media outlets now than ever before; we are saturated with information – websites, blogs, online radio and TV programs, magazine, newspapers, TV shows dedicated to celebrity gossip and of course, radio. I also said that these media outlets are always trying to outdo each other to catch and capture our attention, thus they look for the most dramatic and salacious news to report about celebrities. What we fail to realize, is that these outlets are also programming us. They are feeding us with the food in for the form of gossip that changes the way we think and feel; they tell us what to think and feel. I know some people will respond that only the weak are affected and influenced but that is not true.

                                    In fact, research reveals that we unknowingly tend to change or shift our opinions based on the majority viewpoint and the emotion associated with that viewpoint. For example, we tend to find people to be more convincing when they are highly emotional in their speeches and presentations. That is why FOX News uses music, color and lots of emotion in many of their programs. It works in drawing in and influencing people. It is the same reason that we vote people into power – they make great, powerful swaying speeches that often have nothing to do with the actual content of what they are saying. Another example is Sarah Palin. Her popularity is based on the emotion and attitude she presents. It is convincing. That is the same reason that religious preachers and criminal defense attorneys use such fervor in their sermons and presentations; it sways people. And guess what? The tabloid magazines and the media do the same with celebrities – they present the juicy gossip with lots of drama, attitude and emotion.

                                    Eventually, we start to accept not only the gossip and rumors as truth, but we also start to accept that these celebrities have any significance at all.

                                    As I explained in my Success Newsletter: “The power of no!”

                                    http://patrickwanis.com/blog/index.php/2009/11/25/the-power-of-no/,

                                    “Decades of research reveals that people tend to go along with the majority view, even if that view is objectively incorrect.

                                    In 2009, Vasily Klucharev, postdoctoral fellow at the F.C. Donders Centre for Cognitive Neuroimaging in the Netherlands, led a study that reveals that when people take on an opinion different to others in a group, a part of the brain associated with learning produces an error signal. A part of the brain that registers mistakes often referred to as the “oops area” sparks, and the “reward area” slows down, thus making us conclude and feel that we are being too different. 

                                    “We show that a deviation from the group opinion is regarded by the brain as a punishment,” said Vasily Klucharev. Consequently, most people will change their mind and opinions.

                                    “In the cited study, female participants were asked to rate on a scale of one to eight the physical beauty of 222 faces. Afterwards, researchers told each participant either that the average score was higher or that it was lower than her rating. Some participants were told the average rating was equal to her rating. The researchers then chatted with the participant before suddenly asking the participant to do the rating again. Most subjects changed their opinion toward the average.

                                    “Why do people tend to conform? Some people look to the group because they’re unsure of what to do, while others go along with the norm because they are afraid of being different. That response can then lead to following orders, even if those orders entail harming another person.”

                                    My point here is that the media sways us and influences us to also take a greater interest in celebrities than we would otherwise. For example, I have a friend and I told her to be careful when allowing her 9 year old daughter to read the gossip magazines about her childhood idols (Miley Cyrus, Jonas Brothers, etc) because first, it will make her think that what they present is truth and second, it will cause her to idolize celebrities and their lifestyle. So yes, we are teaching children to become obsessed with celebrities and to become intensely interested in their romantic lives and scandals.

Diego Rubio:            Yes. Do you think that these celebrity couple scandals are created by the celebrities or do they have someone behind them that makes publicity for them and then tells them what to do such as “you are going to spilt up”, or is it just spontaneous and then other people searching for the gossip?

Dr. Patrick Wanis:    It’s a combination of both. In Hollywood there are always the publicists and we call it the “publicity machine” because its more than one person; it’s a group of people that will generate and create the scandal and the gossip and try to get some photos in to the magazines to keep the interest in the celebrity. So this is not new. And then there are the people who work for the celebrities (publicists, managers and business advisers) who focus on damage control when something goes wrong.

                                    But remember also, the lives of most of these celebrities are naturally involved with scandal. Now that doesn’t apply to all of them. For example, there are some that are very quiet. If you take Denzel Washington, he is a very quiet private person; you take someone like Tim Robbins and Susan Sarandon, who have been a couple for over 20 years, they were very quiet, they were very private; now they are separating so people are talking a little more interest in them and the gossip has already begun about who Susan Sarandon is dating. But you also have the celebrities, who create their own drama. For example, Mel Gibson. He goes and makes a racist comment against the Jews. He gets drunk, he makes a racist comment that becomes a scandal because he makes racist comments against the most powerful group in Hollywood; and Hollywood is more than offended and they are quick to respond and next; what does Mel Gibson do? He leaves his wife for a much younger woman. So sometimes, the celebrities create their own scandals and they don’t need a publicist to do it for them. You also have Michael Richards and his racist rant against black people – and he was not drunk. And you also have Morgan Freeman, 72 who was allegedly dating his 27-year-old step granddaughter.

Diego Rubio:            We didn’t know that.

Dr. Patrick Wanis:    It could be gossip; it could be truth. Either way, it supports my contention – the media creates the interest or the gossip and the public feed off it, and eventually no one knows what is truth and what is a lie.

Diego Rubio:            Yeah.

Dr. Patrick Wanis:    So a lot of these celebrities also create problems and create scandals and create gossip and sometimes the publicist wants the gossip to get out because the more attention that the celebrity gets, then the more magazines that are sold and the more tickets are sold to the celebrity’s movies. So, if a new movie is in the works or about to be released, and a scandal can be created that pleases the public and makes the public like the celebrity and want more of them, then the more people will buy tickets out of curiosity, connection and attraction.

Diego Rubio:            And what will happen if they spilt up, what will happen to them? Are they going to keep being famous? Will this negatively affect their image or totally the opposite?

Dr. Patrick Wanis:    No, When two powerful people come together, it creates a bigger fire, it creates a more powerful engine, a more powerful machine, but even when they are separate, if they were to spilt, they would still be very powerful because they are individually powerful and influential with the public and they are powerful within Hollywood. So they are powerful in terms of the work that they do creatively and the work that they do for charity and then they are powerful for the public so even if they were to separate, then we would want to know “Well, is Brad going to go back to Jennifer Aniston, is Angelina Jolie going to find a new man, is she going to talk to her father because she doesn’t talk to her father John Voight, etc? So to answer your question, I don’t think that that is the end of them, it will be just the end of the silly name that the media gave them “Brangelina”, which is just a catchphrase; what we call in English catchphrases, something that attracts attention. That we can repeat and that immediately expresses the meaning.

Diego Rubio:            Something catchy that you can repeat.

Dr. Patrick Wanis:    Yeah like Brangelina. In entertainment we are always seeking catchy, cutesy or attractive names and titles; in a similar way that Terri Bollea called himself “Hulk Hogan.”

Diego Rubio:            Yeah.

Dr. Patrick Wanis:    So, we try to give them a catchy name so that we can relate to them and which makes it more fun, more interesting, exciting and intriguing but which also describes clearly what we are talking about i.e. Brangelina clearly signals that this is the combination of Brad Pitt and Angeilina Jolie and that they are one unit now.

Diego Rubio:            Yeah. How should I refer to you in the article?

Dr. Patrick Wanis:    Well, I am a Celebrity Life Coach and Human Behavior & Relationship Expert.

Diego Rubio:            Yeah, you have a Ph.D. in Health Psychology right?

Dr. Patrick Wanis:    Yes - human behavior and hypnosis, so all of my focus and attention is what causes us to behave the way we behave; what causes us to believe the things we believe, and how do our thoughts and feelings effect our behavior and can we change our thoughts and feelings so we can change our behavior and then change the results in our life.

Diego Rubio:            Okay and why do you have interest in celebrities and in the type of reactions that people have towards them?

Dr. Patrick Wanis:    The way that we interact with celebrities reflects a lot of how we are acting as a society and what we are thinking and what we are feeling; also the way that we interact or the way we respond to celebrities reveals a lot about the way society is evolving, it’s consciousness and what it is experiencing, thinking and feeling. There is also the dynamic of the way that the media influences us and the way we think and feel. I didn’t decide that I would work with celebrities, I just worked once with celebrities and then the word got out and other people started to recommend me to work with them. Also before I began to study hypnosis, the mind and Neuro-linguistic programming, my background was in entertainment and I used to work on radio and television; so I understand the mind of a creative person and I am not trying to be egotistical or arrogant here, but I am saying I do have an understanding of what is the real motivation behind someone wanting to be an actor. Is it because he wants to express the talent and the art? Or is it because no one listened to him when he was a child or no one took any notice of him? Is he the actor still trying to get the attention that he never got from his parents? Do you understand what I mean by that?

Diego Rubio:            Yeah, it’s a very good question.

Dr. Patrick Wanis:    And we must remember that there is a difference today between the celebrities who are actors, singers or dancers and the celebrities who are reality stars; the reality stars are not interested in expressing an art form such as acting or singing or dancing; they are not interested in entertaining. They are only interested in getting attention and becoming famous and that’s a very, very different kind of celebrity.

Diego Rubio:            Becoming famous without working hard for it.

Dr. Patrick Wanis:    Well yeah, that’s Paris Hilton. That’s the people from Jersey Shore which is a big TV show in America; another example would be the people from “The Real Housewives of New Jersey”; an example of all of these different TV shows that are creating celebrities and stars who are famous for nothing. And these sorts of shows that create instant stardom based on no contribution or real talent further drive what I call “The Princess Myth” which I have written about in my blog: “I don’t have to do anything and I will just be given everything, I will be pretty & beautiful. I will have the castle and I’ll have the money and the power and the diamonds and tiaras and I don’t have to do anything for it. I will be rich and an heir to a fortune by marrying my prince - someone powerful (or in Paris’ case by being born into it.)”

                                    It is these reality shows and the Princess Myth that creates more narcissism in our society and eventually the narcissism leads to greater depression, unhappiness and even resentment and frustration. 

Diego Rubio:            That’s not the case with Brad and Angelina.

Dr. Patrick Wanis:    No. Brad and Angelina have a talent, they have a gift, they are entertaining and they have a skill; they have an ability and they have an art form. So that’s a different kind of celebrity. And when one is working with someone who has a gift and a talent, and you can help them to overcome their pain or the past, then they become an even better performer, they become an even better actor.

Diego Rubio:            So you work with celebrities; you work with actors; you work with, singers, etc?

Dr. Patrick Wanis:    Yeah with singers, dancers, actors, models, musicians and one of the reasons that I can have a lot of success with them is because I don’t worship them. I treat them as human beings and therefore I can speak the truth to them.

Diego Rubio:            What would you say to someone that worships them and someone that lives their life based on the life of Tom Cruise or Angelina Jolie or the name, any name?

Dr. Patrick Wanis:    Well I would humbly say “Put more focus and attention on creating the things you want in your life rather than living your life through someone else’s life because you will always feel empty when you are trying to live through someone else’s life. Go and create your own dreams. Find your dream and work everyday on your dream because that will give you more satisfaction, more meaning. And also ask yourself why am I infatuated, obsessed or fascinated with the celebrity because if you look in the mirror you will see that something that obsesses you with that celebrity is something that’s missing in you: maybe you never got attention, maybe you no one ever appraised you, maybe no one ever told you that you were beautiful. Maybe you wanted to act but your parents told you cannot make money, or maybe your parents told you were dumb so you have stopped and you are frozen up instead of living your life. So go live your life by living your dreams and pursuing your dreams and taking action to make your dreams come true.”

Diego Rubio:            I think that, that is a great conclusion for what we are discussing.

Dr. Patrick Wanis:    My pleasure.

Diego Rubio:            That’s a perfect sentence to close our interview. And can I call you again if I have any other questions.

Dr. Patrick Wanis:    Of course you can.

Diego Rubio:            This was great. Thank you. 

Dr. Patrick Wanis:    You are welcome.

First a quick update:

ü  Tiger Woods – the apology & The Fame Factor – So the experts got it all wrong as they claimed Tiger is a sex addict but he admitted to what I said from the outset, being a victim of The Fame Factor and losing his faith and core values. Read the expanded transcript of the interview I gave to Russ Morley of 850 WFTL about Tiger Woods, his apology, the male ego and The Fame Factor:

http://patrickwanis.com/blog/index.php/2010/02/24/tiger-woods-the-apology-the-fame-factor/

Now, let’s talk about craving – attachment, greed and desire.

During the opening ceremony of the 2010 Winter Olympic Games in Vancouver, k.d. Lang was featured with version of the Leonard Cohen song Hallelujah. K.d. Lang is also famous for winning a Grammy in 1993 for her biggest hit song, “Constant Craving”:

Even through the darkest phase

Be it thick or thin

Always someone marches brave

Here beneath my skin

Constant craving

Has always been

One can interpret this song to mean that we all have a constant craving and that this constant craving has always been around.

Another person that threw “craving” into the spotlight is Tiger Woods. Of course, many people are still talking about and dissecting Tiger Woods’ apology. This success newsletter is not about the apology, but it is about a powerful lesson and revelation from that apology, when Tiger Woods referred to the consequences of his craving and the link to his faith, Buddhism.

There are two key things that Tiger Woods said. First:

“I stopped living by the core values that I was taught to believe in. I knew my actions were wrong, but I convinced myself that normal rules didn’t apply. I never thought about who I was hurting. Instead, I thought only about myself. I ran straight through the boundaries that a married couple should live by. I thought I could get away with whatever I wanted to. I felt that I had worked hard my entire life and deserved to enjoy all the temptations around me. I felt I was entitled. Thanks to money and fame, I didn’t have to go far to find them.”

And second:

“People probably don’t realize it, but I was raised a Buddhist, and I actively practiced my faith from childhood until I drifted away from it in recent years. Buddhism teaches that a craving for things outside ourselves causes an unhappy and pointless search for security. It teaches me to stop following every impulse and to learn restraint. Obviously I lost track of what I was taught.”

Both paragraphs refer to the dangers of craving. Tiger Woods is saying something that I have taught and I believe that every religion and philosophy teaches – happiness does not exist outside of you – you will never find it in “stuff” – material possessions or anything else that is tangible. Yes, all the stuff and things can add to happiness but it doesn’t guarantee happiness and the pursuit of these things - the constant craving can be dangerous. That is not to say that the pursuit or desire is dangerous but the degree of desire is dangerous.

Buddhism teaches that human suffering is caused by the mind- by our thoughts. Many religions and philosophies teach this same principle. Buddhism believes that our suffering in the human experience is the result of the way our mind is constantly noisy, constantly craving; and that our pain comes from attachment, greed and desire.

In other words, when we become attached to someone or something, a person or an object we lose our power, we become victims. Attachment refers to the feeling of being bound to something or someone i.e. our happiness is bound to something outside of us. Attachment also refers to our identity. Some people believe that they are their house, car or job. Attachment also refers to an outcome. When we decide that we will only be happy when something occurs or turns out the way we want, then we become helpless victims, and our happiness is now controlled by something outside of ourselves. Of course, it is disappointing if we do not get the job promotion or achieve a goal or even get the girl we wanted, but when we let that disappointment dwell in us for a long time, then we are saying that that thing is controlling us and that we cannot he happy unless we have that thing, in the way we want and when we want. Our emotional happiness and inner peace have now become attached to something outside of us, of which, most likely, we have no real control.

The second point is greed.

Greed might be an obvious pitfall and danger, and yet how many of us have fallen into that pit? Are we not reaping the results as a society for much of our greed or the greed of others?

Interestingly, greed according the dictionary refers to “An excessive desire to acquire or possess more than what one needs or deserves, especially with respect to material wealth.” I explain this as “when is enough, enough?” Again there is nothing wrong with material possessions, except for when the desire and craving for them overtakes us, when it controls us.  We then find ourselves in the spiral: we achieve, we attain and we want more, more, more. It’s similar to the person that eats and just keeps eating as if his brain has failed to say, “I am full.”

That leads to third point – desire.

The dictionary defines desire as “a longing or craving, as for something that brings satisfaction or enjoyment.” Is there anything wrong with desire? Only when it controls us, when we become its slave and it becomes our master. Tiger Woods in his apology above refers to the “impulses.” It is very easy to lose control and self-restraint, and thus give into desire.

That is the point that the Dalai Lama made when he was asked to comment about Tiger Woods: restraint and self-discipline. The Dalai Lama had never heard of Tiger Woods, but when told of the Tiger Woods story, the Dalai Lama replied that “all religions have the same idea” about adultery. “Whether you call it Buddhism or another religion, self-discipline, that’s important,” he said. “Self-discipline with awareness of consequences.”

The dictionary refers to self-discipline as “Training and control of oneself and one’s conduct, usually for personal improvement.”

Every day, we are faced with a temptation of one sort or another, and it is only “Self-discipline with awareness of consequences” that gives us the power to stand strong and say “No.” Of course, in today’s narcissistic world, we have given too much focus, energy and significance to feeling good, to instant gratification, instead of focusing on long-term rewards and consequences. We can only attain self-discipline through daily practice. For Tiger Woods, he said that he strayed from his faith, he stopped practicing daily, and thus, he easily gave into the cravings and became what I call a victim of The Fame Factor: narcissism, denial, delusions of grandeur, entitlement and of course, power.

I also humbly believe that it takes a real man to admit this and to do so with sincerity; to accept self-responsibility and to decide to take action to correct what has happened. Remember, Tiger Woods could simply have tried the cop-out that others have used and are using more frequently today, with something along the lines of “I am a sex addict; there is something wrong with my brain” but instead he spoke of the truth, his truth, his failings, his desertion of his beliefs and his surrender to The Fame Factor.

In closing, some philosophies teach complete denial of all cravings, but I believe in balance. We need desire to drive us, to motivate us to action. A baby is born with desire for food, love and security. We can use desire to help us to strive to better ourselves and the world. Mother Teresa had a desire, a constant craving to help others, to ease the pain and suffering of others.

I sincerely believe that the state of Nirvana is attained not with a complete “cessation and extinction of craving and ignorance” but with a sense of control over our cravings – our attachments, greed and desires.

If you would like to comment on this newsletter, go to www.patrickwanis.com/blog   if you have received this newsletter as a forward and would like to receive all of my newsletters please enter your email address on the home page at PatrickWanis.com.

I wish you the best and remind you “Believe in yourself -You deserve the best!”

Patrick Wanis Ph.D.
Celebrity Life Coach, Human Behavior & Relationship Expert & Clinical Hypnotherapist
www.patrickwanis.com

Click here to read the first interview Patrick Wanis gave to Russ Morley Dec. 11, 2009: Tiger Woods – a sex addict? http://patrickwanis.com/blog/index.php/2009/12/11/tiger-woods-a-sex-addict/

Click here to read Patrick Wanis’ Success Newsletter: Lessons from Tiger Woods:

http://patrickwanis.com/blog/index.php/2009/12/16/lessons-from-tiger-woods/

Click here to read the interview Patrick Wanis gave to Russ Morley Dec. 22, 2009: Tiger Woods – a God complex or an inferiority complex? http://patrickwanis.com/blog/index.php/2009/12/22/tiger-woods-god-complex-or-inferiority-complex/

Click here to read the interview Patrick Wanis gave to Russ Morley January 16, 2010: Tiger Woods in sex rehab and claims that his wife Elin is taking him back. http://patrickwanis.com/blog/index.php/2010/01/26/tiger-woods-wife-takes-him-back/

Tiger Woods:  I want to say to each of you, simply and directly; I am deeply sorry for my irresponsible and selfish behavior I engaged in.

I know people want to find out how I could be so selfish and so foolish.  People want to know how I could have done these things to my wife, Elin, and to my children.

And while I have always tried to be a private person, there are some things I want to say.  Elin and I have started the process of discussing the damaged caused by my behavior.  As Elin pointed out to me, my real apology to her will not come in the form of words.  It will come from my behavior over time. 

Russ Morley: So, I got to say it.  I got a little moist, well, a little bit, this left eye over here, right—right in the corner, just a little –ah, maybe it was just something in my eye.  I’m not really sure. 

Joining us this morning is Doctor Patrick Wanis, Celebrity Life Coach, Human Behavior Expert.

Doctor Wanis, sincere – I mean he got to me.  He – he got me right here, sir.

Patrick Wanis:  Yeah, I heard you.  You said that you got moist.

Russ Morley: Just a little bit.  A little tear formed over there.

Patrick Wanis: All right.

Russ Morley:  Did you buy the sincerity?

Patrick Wanis:  Yeah, I think he was sincere.  I don’t think he wanted to apologize, but I think his apology was sincere.  Meaning, I think he’s truly sorry, but he felt probably resentful that he had to do it publicly and then he had to say it.  I think he was sorry first for what he did to his wife and family. There is a part of him that didn’t want to do the whole public apology. In early December, Tiger Woods posted on his website these words: “Personal sins should not require press releases and problems within a family shouldn’t have to mean public confessions.” So obviously, he would not have wanted to make this apology.

Russ Morley: Well, it was something, you know, Jeff and I’ve been talking about this: Jeff didn’t think it was necessary.  I think It was he had to do it at least once and get it out of the way.  But the question is, is he truly sorry for what the damage he’s done to his wife and his family or he’s just sorry he got caught. 

Patrick Wanis:  No, I think he’s truly sorry, and he’s obviously sorry he got caught.  I went back and read the transcript.  And if you’ll read the transcript, it’s not that he’s just saying, “Look, I’m accountable and I’m responsible,” which, you know, is a typical, sort of, Kobe Bryant response.  

He went a lot further; he admitted that his real problem is, what I said right from the beginning and it’s not sex addiction, incidentally.  He said, look, I became narcissistic.  I became selfish.  I became entitled.  I thought the world owes me.  I thought because I’m rich and powerful and famous and I’ve worked hard.  He did use those words:  That I can do whatever I want, that I can have it, and then he did add that money and power and fame made it easier for him to get it. 

So, he was saying, Look, I know why this happened.  It’s not that I’m not a sex addict.  I understand what happened.  I lost my core values.  I lost my sense of direction, and then he brings in his faith, but he doesn’t say, “Oh, suddenly, I found Jesus and God, and they will forgive me” which is the usual cop-out by many wrongdoers with the intention to win over the public.

And he admits that he stopped practicing his faith – Buddhism (which is something I mentioned to you Russ the very first time the news broke out about Tiger Woods’ infidelities.) Tiger said that he lost his way and lost sight of  the teachings of his faith when he said I understand from what I believe in that nothing outside of me will truly make me happy and I lost that, and I thought that, you know, if I engage in all these things outside, they’ll make me happy.  He’s also saying, “Look, I lost my wife.”  That’s very rare for any celebrity to say because most celebrities would just say “I’m sorry.  I let you down.”  “I’m going to do better.” “I’m an addict.”  “I’ve got a problem.” “I’m getting help.”

I mean, look at Steve Phillips of ESPN.  He got on one of the morning TV shows and he cried sex addiction, and all he did was have one affair with a 23-year-old girl.

Russ Morley: Well, explain something to me, if – if you say to me he’s admitted to being a narcissist and living an entitled life, why is he going to a sex addiction clinic?

Patrick Wanis:  Oh, I think that he was probably pushed into that by all the people around him who want to keep making money off him.

When this happens, he’s probably going to turn to lots of different people, but the people around him are going to start screaming at him, and saying “You’ve got to do this.  You’ve got to do this.  You’ve got to do this.” They want to protect his image. And at that moment, with all of the public outcry and the emotional barrage that Tiger Woods felt because of the world’s reaction, he probably didn’t also know exactly what to do.  And he was probably convinced by his agent, by his manager, his publicity machine and by all the people around him to say “Look, you need help, you need to get to therapy, and you’re an addict,” and then he goes and does it.

Now, I’m sure that when he went to that clinic, at some point, he realized, “Oh, all that really happened was I lost my core values, I became narcissistic, I became entitled, and I suffered from delusions of grandeur and denial, and I let down my wife, and I let down the world.”  Now, maybe he needed to do that.

Also, he probably has does have other issues, too.  I don’t think it’s one hundred percent due to what I call, The Fame Factor.  I think that he may also have other issues which could relate to emotional intimacy.

Russ Morley: Well, Doctor Wanis, if this wasn’t him having an affair, if this wasn’t a, you know, just I’m on the Appalachian trails, I mean, South America having an affair.  I mean, this was over and over and over again.  This is repeated activity.  This is 60,000 dollars a weekend for hookers, for goodness’ sake.  Now, that’s a little bit more than just having, I think an entitled attitude.  I mean, that’s total disregard for your status, your position in life.

Patrick Wanis:  Yeah, you’re right.  And I truly think he admitted to that, but I think you’ll also find that, again, if he were a basketball player, a footballer or any other kind of athlete or a rock star, we may not be so surprised.  We’ve had other athletes who’ve had multiple affairs.  The other thing is his actions support what I call the Fame Factor – narcissism, denial, delusions of grandeur, entitlement and of course, power. You mentioned large amounts of money being paid to hookers. The ability to pay such large amounts of money is about power, entitlement and delusions of grandeur. Rod Stewart who has partied in Miami has been known to tip a waitress in a nightclub $1,000.00. And that’s not because she did anything sexual, it was purely about ego and showing off to others – competing with other celebrities and trying to impress others. The very action of spending large amounts of money is about displaying power, grandeur and ego – in the same way that a male peacock flares out its feathers when it is trying to get the females attention – when it is trying to boast its prowess, power and sexuality. That’s what Tiger Woods was doing when he was spending $60,000 on hookers; that’s what celebrities and other rich people do when they spend gargantuan amounts of money on stuff!

The third point is that I haven’t really looked at this point yet; what was the timeline of these affairs with 14 women? Over what time period was it? I don’t know.

Russ Morley: Yeah.

Patrick Wanis:  Now, here’s the other thing I want to add that everyone listening can think about.  Do you truly think that the people around him didn’t know about this, his multiple affairs; that he was doing this secretly and suddenly it only happened because of one woman coming out?  No.  Everyone around him knew he was doing this “for a long time” but they all shut up because they wanted to do what the entourage did to Michael Jackson.  They wanted to keep feeding off him like a parasite; so they keep it quiet because they don’t want to rock the boat because they want to keep making their money.

Russ Morley: Well, he’s not Dennis Rodman.  I mean, we didn’t – that would not surprise anybody, with a character like that.  But, I mean, this is Tiger Woods.  This is a guy that aspires to be one of the upstanding individuals–It’s me, my wife, my family.  That was the whole thing.  We’ll pick that up on the other side here.

And the Dalai Lama, a prominent figure in the Buddhist religion, of which Tiger says he belongs, is in South Florida today and tomorrow.  What would the Dalai Lama say?  We’ll ask doctor Patrick Wanis, coming up next.

07:50 at News Talk 850 WFPL.  We’re 68 right now, traffic on the way.

[Begin sound clip]

Jaimee Grubbs:  I mean, I have no words to explain, you know, what I have done to her family.  I guess I would deep, deeply sorry for her never considering her during the whole process.

[End sound clip]

Russ Morley: That’s one of the dalliances there, Jaimee Grubbs, apologizing to Elin for her getting involved with Tiger.

Celebrity Life Coach and Human Behavior Expert Doctor Patrick Wanis is with us this morning.

Everybody is sorry, like they didn’t know he was married, and it wasn’t him throwing out the “I Love You” quite frequently with his little, you know, tarts.

Patrick Wanis:  Well, first key point: not every woman is sorry.  But thank God that there was one that actually was accountable and responsible and said, “Yeah, I realized that I also betrayed his wife.”  And yes, you know, it’s true.  You’re right.  Tiger Woods did actually say to “I love you” to some of these mistresses; I think there was one that he was talking about that he was in love. 

So, that’s just another element, another element that makes this very confusing about what was going on in his marriage with Elin.  Does he have emotional intimacy issues?  Why did he find love in someone that’s unavailable and something that couldn’t really happen?  And when I say “unavailable,” meaning that he wasn’t really going to leave his wife and be with her.  And that’s why where his other issues come in.

Russ Morley: He brought up his religion in his apology as well; Buddhism, the Dalai Lama, in town today and tomorrow, at Nova today and at Fort Atlantic University tomorrow.  How does Buddhism play into the apology there and what does Buddhism teach you about something like this?

Patrick Wanis:  Well, first, the Dalai Lama said he’s never head of Tiger Woods, which I think is great because what he’s saying is, “Hey, there are more important things in life.”  Second, he said that the key issue here is self-discipline: “Self-discipline with awareness of consequences.” The Dalai Lama said this is something that every religion teaches—self-discipline—and that’s something that I’ve talked about on your program so many times before, about Tiger Woods.

The third question you ask is “What does it teach?”  One of the key tenets of Buddhism is that human suffering is created by the human mind, due to the sense of attachment, greed and desire.

That means when we become attached to something, whether it’s a car or a person or a job, or when we become greedy and nothing is ever enough, as in the case of what happened with Tiger Woods, and number three, when our desire overtakes us and we just want more and more.

And guess what?  This is what happened to Tiger Woods.  His attachment to money and power, his greed for more and more power and then, finally, his desire for same thing—for money, power, sex, attention, and I guess, even some form of intimacy.

[And Buddhism has five precepts, that are training rules in order to live a better life in which one is happy, without worries, and can meditate well:

To refrain from taking life (non-violence towards sentient life forms)

To refrain from taking that which is not given (not committing theft)

To refrain from sensual (including sexual) misconduct

To refrain from lying (speaking truth always)

To refrain from intoxicants which lead to loss of mindfulness (specifically, drugs and alcohol) ]

Russ Morley: Absolutely.  Doctor Patrick Wanis, this morning, by the way, this guy is good.  You want to get more on him go to patrickwanis.com.  You spell that last name Wanis, patrickwanis.com.  It’s always great to have you on search.

07:58 News Talk 850 WFPL. 

First a quick update:

ü  The relationship poll – Read the interview I gave to the Daily Vanguard about the relationship poll it took with college students and with surprising findings when males and females identified trust, loyal and honesty as the most important thing they look for in a partner. http://www.dailyvanguard.com/the-vanguard-s-relationship-poll-1.2154807

ü  Does your marriage or relationship suffer from the putt putt syndrome? – I have been appointed the exclusive relationship expert for the new movie, “The Putt Putt Syndrome.” What is it? How do you prevent it? How do you get out of it? Read the transcript of the interview I gave to Joanie Winberg CEO of the National Association of Divorce for Women and Children and host of “Single Again! Now What?” Talk Radio Show. http://patrickwanis.com/blog/index.php/2010/02/15/is-your-relationship-suffering-from-the-putt-putt-syndrome/

Now, let’s talk about why women cheat.

When we mention the word cheating, we often immediately think of men - Tiger Woods, John Edwards, Elliot Spitzer, Governor Mark Sanford, ESPN’s Steve Phillips, Robert “Mutt” Lange, Bill Clinton, Newt Gingrich, Peter Cook and the list goes on. From politicians, athletes and musicians to corporate executives such as Oracle President Charles E. Philips, it seems as if men are cheating all the time and much more than women.

But what about women? Do women cheat?

The latest statistics reveal that women cheat on their husbands equally as much as men - one in five married women has had an affair according to the National Opinion Research Center.

Why do women cheat on their husbands and are their motivations different from men’s motivations?

Yes, women cheat for different reasons to men!

As I have outlined in various media interviews and articles, men cheat first and foremost because of power, opportunity, narcissism and a lack of self-discipline (i.e. they can’t say no and thus they give into temptation.) Listen to the various radio interviews I have given about men, cheating and power at http://patrickwanis.com/RadioInterviews.asp

In 2010, the celebrities and the powerful have found the way to excuse their behavior by claiming they are addicts – i.e. Tiger Woods and Steve Phillips. In fact, both Tiger Woods and Steve Phillips have attended the same rehab clinic. This is like the Monopoly game’s “Get out of Jail free” card; the ideal way to cry “I am not responsible for my behavior, I have an excuse and I do not need to be accountable; It’s not my fault, I am helpless.” And for high profile people such as Tiger Woods and Steve Phillips, it is also the perfect way to try and win back the public’s support, empathy and affection. And yes, Tiger Woods and Steve Phillips may have other emotional issues but their primary issue is not addiction.

So if the primary reason men cheat is due to narcissism and lack of will power, what about women? Why do women cheat?

Women cheat when they feel invisible and their emotional needs aren’t being met – and that is part of The Putt Putt Syndrome.

The Putt Putt Syndrome is a new movie, a dark comedy by director and producer, Allen Cognata; it had its New York City screening last Friday and is coming to Los Angeles in March.  http://www.theputtputtsyndrome.com/ Allen and his team chose me as the exclusive relationship expert to the movie.

And although the movie is a dark comedy, it has a powerful message, and a startling wake up call to men.

The Putt Putt Syndrome is a real and common occurrence where both partners putt putt along on contentment, idling and just getting by; the man is in mid-life crisis and the woman is disillusioned by a one-minute romp. She feels lonely, isolated and neglected by her husband who is lost in his work while she is lost in the children and maybe her own career. Gone is the romance and excitement and now both husband and wife have become roommates - the woman feels invisible, she’s not being heard, and with plenty of opportunity and temptation around her, she seeks to have her needs met elsewhere…cheating occurs. Remember, today, women have more opportunity than ever before; in decades past, the joke was that the wife, stuck at home, might have an affair with the milk man but today, she is surrounded by men and opportunity at work, the gym and even in the supermarket.

In the film, The Putt Putt Syndrome, Johnny (played by Jason London) thinks he lives the perfect married life until his friend Tony (played by David Chokachi) whose wife cheated on him, plants a seed of doubt in Johnny’s mind. One day, tired of hearing his bitter friend’s nagging about why wives cheat and marriages fail, Johnny decides to check out Tony’s theories only to discover he has got all the symptoms himself. Suddenly, Johnny’s perception of suburban marital bliss comes tumbling down, as he finds himself trying to save his marriage in the midst of a midlife crisis.

Vicki, the cheating wife (played by Heather Tom) reveals in the film why she cheated when her husband stopped giving her attention and stopped noticing her. Vicki confides in her best friend Sam (played by Thea Gill) when she tells Sam that she felt invisible in her marriage and her husband Tony never noticed her or listened to her.

When women feel neglected and unloved, they can also feel ugly, unwanted and worthless. When a woman loses all of the emotional intimacy and bond, she also feels like a shell rather than a whole or full person; she feels unfulfilled even if her career is going well and even if she has a close and healthy relationship with her children. For women, bonding, relationships and nesting are critical to their sense of happiness and mental and emotional health.

And one of the key things a woman wants is to be adored, to be feel, know and be reassured that she is the one, the only one. She wants to be heard, wants to be noticed and wants her man to listen and be empathetic. She also wants him to respect her body and love and express affection without it always having to lead to the bedroom. She wants him to be with her.

Thus, when another man comes along and starts to provide her with her emotional needs – he gives her the attention, listens to her and makes her feel alive, treasured and special – then she will give in and have an affair. And as Vicki in the movie, The Putt Putt Syndrome explains, her affair wasn’t about love or the pure physicality – they were both using each other –  she was using him for the attention, the compliments and for making her feel like a woman again.

Of course, in every situation, we decide how we are going to respond. And one of the mistakes many people make is the failure to communicate to their partner about what they feel, what they are experiencing and what they want and need. It is okay to ask your partner for what you need. Too many women make the mistake, out of false pride, of refusing to ask their partner to give them what they want, falsely believing that “He should know what I want and do it naturally.” This is the misconception: “If he loved me, he would naturally do it.” Sorry ladies, but sometimes, we men are Neanderthals, and we need to be reminded.

In fact, the major mistake most men make is to think that as long as they are working and providing for the woman and family, then they are fulfilling their role. In other words, men quickly forget about providing what cannot be bought; providing for her emotional needs – love, praise, attention, compliments, encouragement, support, affection, bonding, romance, and so forth.

So yes, there are strategies to get out of the Putt Putt Syndrome and to prevent an affair. In order to relight the fire, both partners must make the romance and marriage the priority. Many parents put their children first but then the marriage falls apart and the children end up being hurt, lonely and parentless. Think of the airplane analogy – put on the oxygen mask and then turn to your children and give them the mask.

Accordingly, awareness and action are the answer.

For men, here are some key tips:

ü  Listen and pay attention to your wife/girlfriend

ü  Notice everything about her - when she does her hair, it’s for you; when she has her nails done, dresses up or buys a new dress, it’s for you

ü  Make her your priority once more, put her first; the better she feels about herself, the better she will feel and respond towards you

ü  Stop thinking that marriage is SOD (s.. on demand) and romance her once again; be creative

ü  Block time to discuss bills, problems and responsibilities and then switch off and become a romantic couple

ü  Compliment her, give her attention and affection without expecting or trying to lead to s..

ü  Take the lead and organize romantic getaways or dates

For women, here are some key tips:

ü  Stop taking the children to every single co-curricular activity on offer

ü  Start putting the marriage first

ü  Tell your man/husband how you feel - neglected, invisible, not heard

ü  Ask your husband for what you want and need; he will express his real love by responding accordingly

ü  Create a weekly date night

ü  Reserve a hotel room once a month for that “afternoon delight”

ü  Use texting to create anticipation and mystery for a surprise meeting with your partner

ü  Play roles and fantasies

ü  Revive the mystery and flirting

Finally, remember, we all need to be loved and men need to feel needed. Let your man know how you need him and what you need to feel special.

If you would like more information, tips and strategies, read the transcript of the interview I gave about the Putt Putt Syndrome and how to get out of it: http://patrickwanis.com/blog/index.php/2010/02/15/is-your-relationship-suffering-from-the-putt-putt-syndrome/

If you would like to comment on this newsletter, go to www.patrickwanis.com/blog   if you have received this newsletter as a forward and would like to receive all of my newsletters please enter your email address on the home page at PatrickWanis.com.

I wish you the best and remind you “Believe in yourself -You deserve the best!”

Patrick Wanis Ph.D.
Celebrity Life Coach, Human Behavior & Relationship Expert & Clinical Hypnotherapist
www.patrickwanis.com

The word cheating is often associated with men - Tiger Woods, John Edwards, Elliot Spitzer and Governor Mark Sanford, but the latest statistics reveal women cheat on their husbands equally as much as men - one in five married women has had an affair.

Why do women cheat on their husbands?

Put it down to The Putt Putt Syndrome, says one relationship expert.

The Putt Putt Syndrome is a new movie, a dark comedy by director and producer, Allen Cognata; it had its New York City screening last Friday and coming to Los Angeles in March. (Trailer and more on the movie below.)

Human Behavior & Relationship Expert, Patrick Wanis PhD, the exclusive relationship expert to the new movie says that “Women cheat for different reasons to men - when they feel invisible and their needs aren’t met.”

“The Putt Putt Syndrome is a real and common occurrence where both partners putt along on contentment; the man is in mid-life crisis and the woman is disillusioned by a one-minute romp, feeling lonely, isolated and neglected by her husband who is lost in his work while she is lost in the children and maybe her own career. Gone is the romance and excitement and they have become roommates - the woman feels invisible, she’s not being heard, and with plenty of opportunity and temptation around her, she seeks to have her needs met elsewhere…cheating occurs”

The film, The Putt Putt Syndrome stars lead talent Jason London (Dazed and Confused), David Chokachi (Baywatch/Witchblade), Thea Gill (Queer As Folk), Heather Tom (The Bold and The Beautiful), Robert Maschio (Scrubs) and Paul Diomede (The Messenger.)

Johnny (Jason London) thinks he lives the perfect married life until his friend Tony (David Chokachi) whose wife cheated on him, plants a seed of doubt in Johnny’s mind. One day, tired of hearing his bitter friend’s nagging about why wives cheat and marriages fail, Johnny decides to check out his theories only to discover he has got all the symptoms himself.  Suddenly, Johnny’s perception of suburban marital bliss comes tumbling down, as he finds himself trying to save his marriage in the midst of a midlife crisis.

Vicki, the cheating wife (played by Heather Tom) reveals in the film why she cheated when her husband stopped giving her attention and stopped noticing her.

The movie’s exclusive relationship expert, Dr. Wanis says “For men, cheating is often first about power and temptation, but for women, cheating is about feeling neglected and unloved and even ugly. And when another man comes along and gives her the attention, listens to her and makes her feel alive , treasured and special, she will give in and have an affair.”

Dr. Wanis also says, “There are strategies to get out of the Putt Putt Syndrome and prevent an affair. Relight the fire by first putting the romance and marriage as the priority. Many parents put their children first but then the marriage falls apart and the children end up being hurt, lonely and parentless.”

Dr. Wanis says action is the answer and offers a few key tips for men:

* Men need to listen and pay attention to their wife

* Notice everything about her - when she does her hair, it’s for you

* Make her your priority once more, put her first

* Stop thinking that marriage is SOD (s.. on demand) and romance her once again; be creative

* Block time to discuss bills, problems and responsibilities and then switch off and become a romantic couple

* Compliment her, give her attention and affection without expecting or trying to lead to s..

For women, Dr. Wanis suggests:

* Stop taking the children to every single co-curricular activity on offer

* Start putting the marriage first

* Tell your man/husband how you feel - neglected, invisible, not heard

* Create a weekly date night

* Reserve a hotel room once a month for that “afternoon delight”

* Use texting to create anticipation and mystery for a surprise meeting with your partner

* Play roles and fantasies

* Revive the mystery and flirting

More talking points and themes:

  * The four things a man wants

  * The four things a woman wants

Dr. Wanis and cast are available for media interviews. There will be another screening in Los Angeles in mid-March.

Website: www.theputtputtsyndrome.com

# #

In a thorough and sometimes shocking interview, Patrick Wanis PhD shares his expertise on the mistakes husband and wives make; shares strategies & tips to relight the fire of romance & passion; reveals the most dangerous mistake parents make with their children; reveals the top 4 things a man wants and the top 4 things a woman wants, and, how you can use that knowledge to strengthen and deepen the bond, connection and romance in your relationship.

To listen to the interview, click here: http://patrickwanis.com/Putt_Putt_Syndrome.asp          

JOANIE WINBERG:  Hello and welcome.  This is Joanie Winberg, your host of the Single Again! Now What? Blog Talk Radio Show.  I am very excited to introduce my guest today.  But before I do, I would like to take a few minutes to, once again, welcome our listeners. 

If you are single again, either through divorce or the loss of a loved one, then you have come have to the right place.  We have created this show especially for you. 

Being single again is an emotional rollercoaster ride, but you don’t have to face this challenging time in your life alone.  So please join myself and my special guest from around the world each week who will be sharing tips to support, inspire and encourage you.  Maybe these tips will make you laugh or be just the right thing you need to hear at this time in your life. 

The Single Again! Now What? Blog Talk Radio Show is brought to you by the National Association of Divorce for Women and Children.  For more information, go to nadwc.org. 

Our show is live, so if you have any questions for myself or my guest, please call 347 215 6997.  And that number again is 347 215 6997. 

And today’s show is very special.  We’re actually going to be addressing the question “Does your marriage have signs of a Putt Putt Syndrome?”  And this is all about the movie called the “The Putt Putt Syndrome”. 

And we’re going to be talking to my special guest tonight, which is Patrick Wanis.  And he’s going to tell us a little bit about this movie.  But Patrick is also the exclusive relationship expert for the movie.  And let me tell you a little bit about Patrick before I bring him on. 

He’s originally from Australia.  He’s a Celebrity Life Coach, Author, Expert in Human Behavior and Relationships, and a Clinical Hypnotherapist with a PhD in Health Psychology, Human Behavior and Hypnosis. 

Patrick has appeared on Fox News, Extra, MSNBC, the Mike and Juliet show, CNN.com, matchmaker.com, The National Enquirer, and much, much more.  Over five million people have read his books in English and Spanish.  And his website is www.patrickwanis.com.  And that’s P-A-T-R-I-C-K-W-A-N-I-S.com. 

And, Patrick, welcome to the show.  I’m thrilled you’re here. 

PATRICK WANIS:  Thank you, Joanie. 

JOANIE WINBERG:  Well, this is quite a movie.  I am very excited to learn more about this because, I think, we hear a lot about this, don’t we?  The Putt Putt Syndrome of marriages. 

PATRICK WANIS:  Well, of course, this is a new term; a new phrase created by the writer and director of the movie, Allen Cognata.  And we were just talking about this yesterday.  And although it has a very interesting and very catchy term, it’s something that hasn’t been labeled before.  And the best way to sort of describe what is “The Putt Putt Syndrome” is to use something straight from the movie. 

And there are two key characters in the movie, Tony and Johnny, and Tony and Johnny are best friends.  And Tony is about to go through divorce, and he’s got a couple of kids, and he’s trying to work out how did this happen; why did his wife cheat on him.  So he’s doing all the research and trying to come up with ideas and reasons and, you know, with graphs and statistics about why did this happen and why do wives cheat. 

So Tony is speaking to Johnny, and he comes up with his latest theory and he describes the “Putt Putt Syndrome” as that quiet surrender in life after one has been married for a while.  And he says, and I quote, “Some of the symptoms are the one minute missionary sexual romps, the plaid pajamas that one wears at home, the recliner chair that becomes a throne, and the remote control that becomes the scepter.  But the most serious symptom of them all,” Tony says to Johnny, “is not being able to look at your toes or your, you know what, while you’re taking a shower.  That’s how you know you’re in it.” 

So, of course, suddenly, Johnny is really listening and Tony’s descriptions begin to ring a bell.  Now, that’s the way that it’s sort of described in the movie, and, of course, I, based on my expertise and experience, would add to that to elaborate and say it encompasses a lot more because, of course, that’s a really a quick, fast way of describing it. 

But I think for anyone that’s ever been married, anyone that’s ever been in a long term relationship, unless they’ve worked extra hard at being really aware of what’s going on, “The Putt Putt Syndrome” basically means that you’ve gotten into that stage in life where you’ve lost your dreams; you’re settling for second best; you’re living a life of mediocrity; your marriage is stalled.  There’s no passion, there’s no romance and your partner, instead of being a lover and someone you become excited about, has become like your roommate. 

JOANIE WINBERG:  Uh-hmm.  Absolutely. 

PATRICK WANIS:  Yes.  And instead of talking about passion and all the things you want to do and all the excitement and the romance, and instead of still seducing your partner and courting your partner, you’re discussing bills and problems. 

JOANIE WINBERG:  So, Patrick, let me ask this question as far as I think it really applies to both men and women.  They’re both feeling it, wouldn’t you say?  

PATRICK WANIS:  Of course. 

JOANIE WINBERG:  Yeah. 

PATRICK WANIS:  Although in the movie, Tony says to Johnny, “Look, you know, you’re in the Putt Putt Syndrome when you’ve looked down and you can’t see anything other than your belly.”  And, you’re just sitting there in your remote control.”  As the movie progresses, you see that it really does affect the man and the wife.  It’s not to say that the man is wrong and the woman is right, or vice versa.  It’s to say that both partners contribute to this. 

JOANIE WINBERG:  Exactly. 

PATRICK WANIS:  And, of course, you, as a woman, and with all of the people that are part of your list and your listeners of the National Association of Divorce for Women and Children, understand that this is something that is real and something that happens. 

JOANIE WINBERG:  Yeah. 

PATRICK WANIS:  And it’s something that doesn’t just affect marriages, it affects long term relationships. 

JOANIE WINBERG:  Well, actually, what you’re saying, patrick, is what I hear a lot from my clients after they’ve been divorced.  And they describe, basically, what you’re describing.  But I’m curious as far as how did they come up with the name “The Putt Putt Syndrome”? 

PATRICK WANIS:  Well, I’ve got to speak in more detail with Allen Cognata about this, the writer and director.  But, you know, I view it as an analogy of sort of like the car, you know.  You’re driving along, and it’s about to stop, you know.  It’s stalling, and… 

JOANIE WINBERG:  Yeah. 

PATRICK WANIS:  Putt, putt, putt, and you’re waiting for it to completely crash, you know, completely just shut off, switch down.  And now you’re stuck in the middle of traffic.  That’s the same as the “Putt Putt Syndrome” in marriage, where you know, it’s not just slowing down, it’s not just stalling, it’s almost going to completely come to a stop or it’s going to break down.  And once it breaks down, what happens, the marriage breaks down.  And the two of you go separate ways, whether you separate, whether you divorce, or whether something else, even worse happens.  But I think it’s a great way to describe it. 

JOANIE WINBERG:  Perfect. 

PATRICK WANIS:  Yeah, because, here’s another way to think about it.  And that is, imagine that you’re a car, and you’re all polished up and you’re shiny.  And this is an analogy both for men and women, of course.  But you’re a car, you’re all shiny and polished up, you’re revving, and it’s got this beautiful sound to it, and off you go.  The race is on and you’re just speeding along, and you’re feeling really powerful and then suddenly you start to run out of gas.  And you’re slowing down and you’re slowing down.  And now you’re about to come to a dead stop.  And that “putt putt” sound is the engine almost giving up, you know it’s almost gone. 

Well, that engine represents the passion, the romance, the fire, the bond between the husband and wife that’s almost gone.  And now there’s no connection, there’s no spark between the engine and the rest of the car.  There’s no gas, there’s nothing.  It’s just completely shut down. 

And although it may sound, you know, colorful and flowery in the way I’ve described it, anyone that’s been through this knows it’s not a pleasant experience.  And, you know, when the team came to me to say “Patrick, will you be our exclusive relationship expert to help us to not just promote the movie but to talk about this and help draw up the solutions?”; when we were talking about this, I said, “Look, although I’ve never used this terminology before, it’s something that I usually relate to through my clients.” 

And I’d like to use some examples.  So I’ve clients that come to me, and they may not even be having the one-minute sexual romp.  They may have not had sex in years, and sometimes it’s just the husband that comes to me and says to me “I don’t know what to do.  My life is so boring.  My wife is just, you know, she doesn’t give me any attention.  We don’t have any sex.  There’s no passion.” 

And then what you come to find out is that the husband spent years and years focusing on his business, focusing on his career.  Why?  Because the man, the male believes “My role is only the provider, and what I must do is work hard and make money to look after my wife, look after my children and family, to make sure that they go to college so when they grow up they’ll do the same thing.” 

Meanwhile, the wife is starting to feel neglected, lonely, isolated by the husband because he’s working long hours. He comes home and what are they going to talk about now?  The bills and the children.  And maybe he’s tired and he goes, “Oh, I just don’t want to talk about anything right now,” and he wants to pull out a drink from the fridge, throw his feet up on the sofa and watch some TV to try to mentally switch off. 

Now, the wife starts to see that, “Well, we’re losing this connection.”  And then what happens is she’s also caught up in the day-to-day running of, the whole family, the house. Maybe she’s running the house, and she’s working, and she’s looking after the kids.  Now, what she’s going to do is put all her energy into the children. 

So now you have these two adults who made a pledge to each other, who came together because they loved each other so much.  They were so excited, they wanted to create a life together, but they’ve really created two different worlds.  The man is losing himself and escaping in his world of work and career.  And the woman, the wife, is escaping and living in her world with the children.  And it’s almost like two separate worlds. 

And please step in, Joanie, and tell me if I’m right or wrong here or if this belief relates… 

JOANIE WINBERG:  Well, and what I’m saying, too, now, I can see young people and they are both working full time. 

PATRICK WANIS:  Yes. 

JOANIE WINBERG:  They decide to have children, but today the woman still works.  And so now even if both parents are helping taking care of the children, I can still see the same thing happen where they’re both trying to have their careers and earn the money, they both need to pay the mortgage, plus, you know, who’s raising the children.  So someone’s picking them up, someone’s running around.  And the supper is kind of thrown on the table, and someone is putting the kids on the bath.  And they repeat this day in and day out, and they still get lost in the shuffle because they don’t have time for each other and they’re exhausted. 

PATRICK WANIS:  Right.  And I’m going to give you some solutions, some strategies, advice, techniques and some other insights into how to get out of this syndrome. 

JOANIE WINBERG:  Well, I think let’s break it up in two parts, I’m thinking, Patrick, being a coach, myself, I love to help people prevent from getting a divorce.  So I’m thinking if we go from maybe that direction of what people, married people, can do to maybe save their marriage, if that’s the route you’re thinking.  But, also thinking, okay, if you are single again, you’ve gotten a divorce, and you’re starting to date and get back in the game again, the dating game. 

But we know that the second time around, divorce is even higher for the second marriage.  So it’s almost like needing to prepare and prevent that from happening.  So do you think that’s a good angle for our listeners?   

PATRICK WANIS:  Well, you’re exactly right.  And I think you’ve raised an important point that if you don’t learn the first time around, you’ll just end up approaching the second marriage, the second relationship exactly the same way… 

JOANIE WINBERG:  Yeah. 

PATRICK WANIS: …making the same mistakes.  And as I said again, I’m going to, in a moment, come back with solutions and strategies. 

JOANIE WINBERG:  Right. 

PATRICK WANIS:  But, I want to talk a little bit more about the syndrome itself and keep building on this example. 

So you mentioned young people.  Now, of course, young people are working two jobs because of all of the financial strain and the expectations that “we got to have more, we got to, you know, we got to do this, we go to do that, we got to cover our bills, et cetera.”  So they’re both very physically, mentally and emotionally tired from working as well as raising the children and then having to develop a relationship amongst themselves but, you know, their relationship with each other. 

Now, the people who are a little bit older are also living another version.  The other version, which, I guess, to some extent affects young people as well, is where the parents are now putting the children first.  And what I’m finding is clients are saying to me, particularly women, “Look, you know, my mom and dad were too busy when I was growing up.  And they didn’t have much time for me.  And they didn’t come to all my co-curricular activities.  And they didn’t do this, and they didn’t do that.  So I want to make sure that my kid doesn’t miss out.  So I want to take my kid to every co-curricular activity.  And I want to spend lots of time with my child or my children.”  

Now, the danger with that, particularly women, is that that they they’re doing the right thing, and, of course, they have the best intentions.  And I’m going to be radical here, and I’m going to say please bear with me, and I’ll explain why this is completely wrong. 

JOANIE WINBERG:  Okay. 

PATRICK WANIS:  So what the woman does, and again, I’ll say this, with her best intentions, she says, “I want to make sure that my children have all the options, all the choices.  I want them to see that the world is an oyster.” 

And so what she does is, she jumps in the car, she’s driving them to every single game, every single hobby, every single co-curricular activity that there is, and she has no time for herself and no time for her husband, no time for the relationship. 

Why is this so bad?  First thing is, if you’re a woman—ladies, please listen to me carefully—if you’re a woman and you’re raising your daughter, and she sees that you, as a woman, are putting everyone else first and not giving yourself any time, not giving yourself enough respect, enough significance, she’s going to grow up and do the same thing. 

So what I’m saying to you is you have to still look after yourself, your own needs, your own quiet time, your own personal time.  You need to still be exercising, not just to look good for your husband but because your body needs it and you need the time so that you can regenerate, and regroup, and recuperate. 

The other thing, as I’ve said, is the message you’re sending via your actions to the girl, to your daughter, which is, “Women are second class citizens.  We don’t need to be first.  We need to think of everyone else’s needs.” 

Then the other thing you’re doing is you are neglecting your husband.  You’re neglecting your partner.  I’m not saying to put him first.  Here’s what I’m saying, when you neglect the relationship because you are thinking, “I’ve got to look after the children.  I’ve got to put the children first,” when the marriage breaks down, the very first person who’s going to suffer even before you do or your husband does, is the children. 

So what parents forget, you must actually put the relationship first.  If you put the relationship first, children who learn three ways - by what they see, by what they hear, and by what they experience - look at the parents and see the parents expressing love and affection to each other.  They hear their parents using terms of endearment and cute pet names, et cetera, and they have wonderful experiences of open love and affection and open communication, then that child grows up in an environment of love.  It’s a nurturing environment. 

It’s okay to say to your child, “No, you cannot go to every single co-curricular activity.  No, you don’t have to do every activity that’s on offer.  You must learn to choose and you must learn to find out what your passion is.“ I’m not saying that the child is going to know what they’re going to want to do for the rest of their life, but let them make some simple choices.  Let them experience some independence, and give your relationship and your marriage some priority. 

And I want to refer to a couple of things that are really interesting based on research with couples that have been married 40 and 50 years, Joanie, and that sounds like a shock to us.  Okay. 

JOANIE WINBERG:  Uh-hmm. 

PATRICK WANIS:  These are like the masters of marriage.  You know, they’ve lived it, and they’ve had wonderful experiences and great tales. 

One of the things that they say, and this is an actual couple who said, “You know what we do?  We have a time when we go upstairs and we put – we put a sign in our bedroom door that says, ‘Do not disturb.  This is our time.”  And they do whatever they’re going to do in the bedroom. 

The point here is that they haven’t forgotten why they’ve come together.  And even though children, young children, go “Oh, yuck, mommy and daddy are kissing.  And mommy are doing – oh, I don’t even want to mention what they’re doing.”  In fact, it is something that they like.  Because just a couple of weeks ago, I was working with a six-year-old child who happens to be the son of a movie producer.  And he came to me and said, “Patrick, please work with my son.”  And I said to him, “You know, I don’t work with children.  I usually work with adults, you know that.” And he said, “But please, my child has been to a child psychologist for about six sessions, and he’s been to another therapist, another expert, and he’s having problems at school.  Please help me.” 

So what I did was I sat down and I did a couple of things to very quickly build rapport and what I got him to do are some drawings.  And there are a couple of drawings that I do.  One is known as Kinetic Drawing Analysis.  And this has been around since the 1940s, where you basically ask kids to do a drawing of the family, of each member, but in action. 

So when the child draws this, he’ll do a figure of his mom, his dad, his brother or sister, et cetera. And what I saw was a completely separate world.  Mom is out there, working with her clients, doing nails and make up.  Dad’s behind the camera producing the movie.  This particular boy is at school, and the other boy is standing in front of the house. 

The boy that I’m working with is only six years of age is sad.  Because the boy (my client) and I describe this boy in the drawing – his feelings. I’ll call him Robert in this interview to protect his identity. Anyway, I’ll say, “What is Robert doing here?”  And he’ll say, “Robert is at school.”  And how does Robert feel?  “Robert is sad.”  Why is Robert sad?  “Because mom and dad are not together, they’ve just separated.  They’re about to divorce.”  And what about little brother?  “Oh, little brother is mad.”  And then I do another unique drawing to help him to establish to me what is his connection with his mother, what is his connection with his father and to give me insights into his world.  This other drawing is a creation of mine (involving a house, sun, water and snake), and it gives me even greater insights. And this little boy’s drawing revealed to me that he is emotionally closed, his mother is also emotionally closed, he and mom have almost no connection, and there is a lot of emptiness right now.

The point of me going into these details is to say to you that children are deeply affected by what happens in the relationship between mom and dad.  And you know what this one boy wanted, Joanie?  He wanted his mom and dad to be together. 

JOANIE WINBERG:  Of course.  Yes. 

PATRICK WANIS:  And he didn’t want them to scream anymore.  He wanted to see the love.  So mothers and fathers, or people right now listening that are single who want to get back in a relationship, even if you’re going to be in a relationship with a new partner, be aware that love is a great example for your children. So is passion. So is enthusiasm. So is excitement. So is fire.  That’s what inspires us.  That’s what opens up our soul.  And I’m sort of leading on to some of the tips and the strategies. 

I just want to summarize what I’ve said so far; that the whole reason that we stop is because we lose our sense of priority.  And our sense of priority has to be the relationship.  I’m not saying you neglect your children.  I’m not saying not to put them first when they really need you.  I’m not saying not to take them to school.  I’m saying find the balance where you make sure you don’t neglect your marriage and your partner, because the stronger your marriage and relationship is, the better environment you’re presenting and providing for your children. 

JOANIE WINBERG:  And also, Patrick, I was just going to say, as far as if people can also find in that balance, like you said before, kind of recapping too, is that it has to start by finding that time for yourself to recharge.  Find that time for the relationship. 

I love it when I hear people say, “We’re going to have a date night on Friday.”  That is wonderful to hear. 

PATRICK WANIS:  Yes. 

JOANIE WINBERG:  And then have the time for the children.  And I think what you’re also saying, too, is that the children will learn the boundaries that, “Yes, mommy and daddy have their time, and yes, mom and daddy, they have their separate time.  Mom is going to exercise, dad is going to play golf but, yet, they have their time as the date night.  But then they have the family time.” 

So it’s almost like if people can learn to balance those.  And what really happens, as you can see, the first two get ignored.  “We don’t take time for ourselves.  We don’t take time for the couple situations, and all of a sudden we go our own way.”  And there are the children, like you said, feeling sad and angry. 

PATRICK WANIS:  Exactly.  And if you’re an adult who missed out on certain things as a child, please, do not use your children to make up for what you didn’t get as a child because it won’t help you, and it will really damage the children, whether that means giving them too much freedom or giving them lots of toys, or giving them lots of candy or giving them too much attention, or telling them when they don’t deserve it, how wonderful and great they are. 

JOANIE WINBERG:  Uh-hmm. 

PATRICK WANIS:  Because that’s how we’ve come to this narcissistic generation where the parents are saying to the kids, when the kids have done nothing, and they haven’t worked yet, they haven’t achieved and haven’t even tried, “Oh, you’re amazing.  You’re fantastic.  You’re unbelievable.  You’re the best.” 

And what they forget is children need not just encouragement, they need direction, and they need correction.  And if you just tell them all the time how great they are, but you don’t correct them and you don’t reward them for achievement, as well as effort, then the children end up growing up to become narcissists. 

And then when they become narcissists, they’d come to me because they can’t have a relationship with anyone else.  And they come to me complaining that deep down they actually resent their parents because their parents never disciplined them or never gave them the right advice, guidance, and direction.  So that’s a really important point. 

JOANIE WINBERG:  Absolutely.  I know you wanted to share some tips, so first of all, let’s say, single again people, but maybe explain how each group can learn from this.  And what would be some tips, Patrick, that we can help them, our listeners? 

PATRICK WANIS:  Well, let’s do exactly what you said.  Start with the single, and build how that leads to marriage, and then how, once your married, to keep it going. 

So if you’re listening right now, whether you’re single or married what I’m about to say is applicable, because I want everyone to go back to when they were single.  And everyone remembers what that was like at some stage, whether you’re single now or not.  You remember the days when you’re single because, again, this is something that a client said to me, “Oh, when I was single, I used to do this, and I used to do that.  And I used to be excited, and I used to have regular sex, and everything was exciting.” 

So I want to start by just giving some examples of what men look for in a relationship and what women look for.  And I’m not talking about communication and trust and honesty.  I’m not talking about those values and qualities.  I’m talking about “What does a man need or what does a woman need?” 

A man is really quite simple to please.  And no, it’s not just food and sex, although there’s an old joke: How do you seduce a woman? And there’s a long list of about 60 necessary things.  And then when you say, “How do you seduce a man?  “Well, show up naked and bring food.”  But it takes a lot more than that. 

For men, it’s really interesting because the man wants to be treated like a king.  Now, that doesn’t mean he wants to be served all the time, but he wants to feel needed, okay?  The next thing is the man does want regular and exciting sex.  Then, third thing, which is probably the top one, really, is the man wants his woman to look good.  Not to be the most beautiful woman or the sexiest woman in the world, but to look good.  That means to take care of herself.  And in a moment, I’m going to tie this in, how this applies to being single and being in a relationship.  And then the fourth thing is the man wants his woman to not just be with her but to do things with her.  And I’m going to distinguish this from what a woman wants. 

The woman, ultimately, wants to feel special.  So she wants to feel that state of ecstasy, that state of love.  She wants her man to be with her.  She wants to be treasured and cherished by her man to know, whether that means being told or being shown, that she’s the one, the only one. 

The other thing that a woman wants, this will be number three, is “Be empathetic and listen to me, but don’t give me advice all the time, unless I ask for it.” 

JOANIE WINBERG:  That’s probably one of the things that I hear, Patrick, the most.  Women say they want to feel heard and not with a man sitting there with the remote in his hand.  They’re ready to throw the remote out the window but they just want to feel heard and respected for who they are.  And I think that… 

PATRICK WANIS:  Well, respect, you’re right.  Respect… 

JOANIE WINBERG:  Not to be fixed, right?  We don’t want to be fixed.  We just want to be heard.  And I just need to vent.  So, hear me and – but that’s perfect, Patrick.  You’re right on there. 

PATRICK WANIS:  And I’m going to add to this because what you said is so important.  I want ladies to understand why men do this stupid thing, which is the woman comes home – from wherever it is – whether it’s from work or a problem with mom or her mother or her father or a sibling or the children – and she proceeds to say, “Oh, I’ve had a terrible day and this has happened.” 

The male says, “Oops.  Let me fix it for you.” 

JOANIE WINBERG:  Right. 

PATRICK WANIS:  Now, I want to tell you why we do this - because it’s our make up that we are so action-oriented.  We feel that our significance and our value come from doing things.  And so we think that we’ll show you our love by providing for you and giving to you.  We think that if we can offer you the solution, then we’re significant, we’re important, we’re valuable, we’re special – we feel the need to be needed. 

Now, men listening, you can still have that same result by being active in your listening. 

JOANIE WINBERG:  Yes. 

PATRICK WANIS:  And what that means is, she’s talking to you, you are listening, 100% attention, and you’re repeating back some of the phrases.  You might express empathy, you might express sympathy.  It’s okay to be disappointed for her, but just listen to her, hold her, let her know that you’ve heard her and you understand her, because I promise you, she does have the solution.  She just wants you to listen. 

Now, am I correct on this or not? 

JOANIE WINBERG:  You’re perfect.  And in fact, a great exercise is, just like you were saying, for both parties to actually – if they can set the time or if they want that each party talks for five minutes.  The other person just listens and, just like you said then you repeat it back so that that person knows that you were listening and that they feel heard and then even taking it a step further, Patrick, just to say, “Did I get that right?” 

So, now, I repeated it back to you after you were listening to me and then I say, “Did I get that right?”  So now, you can go back and help that person listen even more or if they miss something or you can continue on with the conversation so – but you’re right.  That’s perfect.  If people can just really listen and repeat back, then we know, either party, man or woman, then they know that that person was listening and heard them. 

PATRICK WANIS:  That’s great advice. 

And number four, in terms of what a woman wants is, “Respect my body.  Don’t touch me sexually 24 hours a day.” 

JOANIE WINBERG:  Uh-hmm. 

PATRICK WANIS:  Now, I’ve told you the four things a man wants, the four things a woman wants. 

Now, how does this relate to the Putt Putt Syndrome and what we’re talking about? 

When you understand what the other person needs, and you’re single and you’re looking to date again or you’re looking to be in a relationship, you keep that in mind. 

Now, what the heck does, “Respect my body and not touch me sexually 24-hours a day” have to do with the Putt Putt Syndrome or marriage?  It’s really simple.  When you are dating, you court, you seduce, you anticipate, you plan, you prepare, and you think of ways of “How am I going to win her over?  How am I going to create something really exciting for her?  How am I going to seduce her?  How am I going to get her excited?” 

And suddenly, you’re creative.  You’re coming up with ways.  There are flowers.  There are chocolates.  But more than that, you think about, “What does she really like?  Is she into horses?  Is she into dogs?  Is she into candles?  Is she into lighthouses?  Is she into nature?  What’s her favorite color?  What’s her favorite thing to do?”  And then you appeal to that, because that’s how you win the woman over. 

The problem is that men once they marry the woman think, “I’ve won her over.  All I need to do now to show my love or to continue expressing my love is provide for her.” 

The lady on the other hand thinks, “I’ve won him over.  Now, all I need to do to show my love for him is, either to raise the children or to be a good wife or to be loyal, et cetera.” 

And the man and the woman forget about what’s required to keep the passion going, to keep the fire burning.  And to keep the fire burning you must stoke the fire.  How do you stoke the fire?  You throw more wood, more fuel into the fire, and you prod the wood to make sure it keeps getting enough oxygen to make the flames and fire even stronger.

Now, what that means is that ladies have to keep looking after themselves.  You have to take time away from the kids to do your walk, to do your exercise, to do your yoga, to do your meditation, to look after your body; to maintain your femininity and your sex appeal because your husband wants that and he needs that.  And he needs to do the same thing. 

And because I teach holistically, when you look after your body, you feel better mentally and emotionally.  You exude more confidence.  And when you feel better about yourself, you respond and react better in the relationship and you have a better sex life.  So, that’s that aspect. 

The other thing to understand is, that same way that you were trying to win them over when you were courting, keep winning them over in the marriage.  I know there’s bills to pay, I know there’s stress, I know there’s challenges, I know there’s responsibilities, but as you said a moment ago, Joanie, set up a date night. 

Now, the concept of a date night is simple: plan time for you and your husband or you and your wife and no one else.  You plan someone to look after the children.  If you don’t, if you can’t afford it, get the mom or dad or mother-in-law or dad-in-law and get someone to look after them – or, grandpa or grandma – someone to look after the kids for a couple of hours. 

Now, men, I’ll give you some advice. 

If you’re going to do this, you don’t just show up at the last minute, dressed in raggedy clothes and you still have grease on your hand, or you’re still dressed in your suit from work or whatever you’re wearing.  You actually prepare for the date the way you would when you were single. 

Now, if you really want to excite the woman, you use your imagination.  And guys can do this because guys are very smart when it comes to really planning. 

JOANIE WINBERG:  Yes. 

PATRICK WANIS:  They just have to make the decision to do it. 

So, I was talking with the publicist of the Putt Putt Syndrome the other day, giving her an example of this, and I said, ” Imagine if a guy calls you up or he texts you because, you know, we’re in the day of technology, and he says to you, “Honey, five o’clock, Friday.  The kids are taken care of.  Five o’clock, Friday.  Meet at X hotel.  Put on this dress, these shoes, and have a swimsuit and have this and have that.  No questions asked.  Just meet me five o’clock.”  

Now, I’m texting you this on Wednesday.  I’m going to see you tonight.  I’m going to see you tomorrow night.  And, of course, when I come back, you are going to say, “What was that text about?  What do you mean five o’clock, Friday at X hotel?” 

“I don’t know.  I’m not going to tell you.  It’s a surprise.” 

The ladies now are thinking. 

And what I’m doing, is I’m creating anticipation. I’m creating expectation. I’m creating surprise.  That starts to release in the body endorphins known as Dopamine.  Dopamine gets you excited.  That’s the romance again. 

JOANIE WINBERG:  Well, I can tell you, Patrick, from a woman’s point of view, that’s exactly what the wives or the women are always saying, “I wish he would just do something without me having to tell him to do it.  I would love him to use his imagination, use his creativity and surprise me and just make me feel like we did when we were courting.”  I can’t tell you how many women want that. 

PATRICK WANIS:  And, you know, you’re exactly right.  An interesting thing is – and I’m going to explain this - men, women do want you to take charge and they do want you to take control.  Not to be controlling… 

JOANIE WINBERG:  Right. 

PATRICK WANIS: …but to take control.  That means become the leader, the same way that you would lead in a business or the office.  They want you to lead.  They want you to have an opinion about the restaurant.  You can ask her, “Okay, which, which restaurant do you want to go to?” 

“I don’t know, honey.  What do you want?  You need to quickly say…  “Okay, we’re going Chinese tonight.”  And if she really doesn’t want to, she’ll speak up for herself.  But let her know that you’ve got direction; you’re clear.  Prepare something romantic.  Come up with something creative. 

I’m going to state this and I’ll make it a question.  I found from working with clients and from all the experience and the research I’ve done, that women do want to submit to men in a safe, gentle, romantic, sexual way.  And what I mean by that and please correct me if I’m wrong in any way.  What I mean by that is, woman want to know that the man is clear about what he wants; he’s got direction; he’s self-confident; he’s self-assured so that she can feel safe to trust and let go.  That’s what submission is, letting go. 

JOANIE WINBERG:  And that’s perfect.  That’s perfect.  Yes. 

PATRICK WANIS:  But she has to know that there’s a reason to let go and submit to him because he’s going to sweep her off her feet.  That’s what sweeping her off her feet means.  You know, “I feel safe in his arms.  I know that he loves me.  He’s going care for me.”  But it also means that he’s thinking about how to get the woman excited because, you know, guys are visually excited.  That means we just need to see you looking good. 

Women, on the other hand, require a lot more because they’re deeper; they’re more complex; they have much more complex emotions.  You have to appeal to their heart, mind and imagination.  Then you’re going to use words.  You’re going to use visuals.  That means flowers, poetry.  Think again about how to get her excited. 

Now, if everyone listening thinks this is hard work, part of it is hard work.  That’s true.  But the other thing is plan for it.  Plan for it one day a week, the same way that you plan to go to the dentist; you plan to go to the therapist because you’re about to have a divorce; or you plan to go somewhere else.  Plan now. 

But understand that when I was doing more research with marriages that worked out, what I also found was they acknowledged that it was hard work and that the intention was to make it work.  And that it’s not just we’re in the comfort of this marriage so therefore we don’t have to do anything. 

JOANIE WINBERG:  Yes. 

PATRICK WANIS:  Allen and I were just having this conversation the other day.  Allen Cognata, being the writer and director of the movie; that it’s so easy to get caught up in the lives of the children and in the paying of the bills and the day-to-day responsibilities that it’s so easy to lose the passion.  So separate the two. 

If you need to, set aside one hour, two hours and “okay for the next hour, we’re going to discuss all the crap that we have to get through—the kids, the bills, et cetera” and then switch off; hang up again.  If you need to and go back and say, “Okay, now I’m calling as me…we’re not discussing business or bills. Now, I just want to talk about you.” 

So what I’m saying is it’s almost as if you’re blocking time.  And you have to do that.  And I know it’s not the way we’d like to do it but there’s a difference between being right and being happy.  And being happy might mean, “You know what?  I’ve got to block time.  Let’s block some time to sort out the challenges we have and then let’s block time for us to be romantic, to appreciate each other, so that we’re no longer just roommates, so that we can get to know each other.” 

Now, I gave the men advice.  So let me give the ladies advice.  And again, feel free to kick my rear if I’m incorrect. 

JOANIE WINBERG:  I’m listening, Patrick.  Okay, I’m ready. 

PATRICK WANIS:  Okay.  And I’m waiting for you to tell me your thoughts.  I’d like you to do that. 

But, anyway, let’s see.  Ladies, I said, for the men that they got to take charge, they got to control, they got to keep seducing, they got to keep courting.  Now, ladies, here’s what you need to do for men.  You need to keep the mystery going.  And I’ll let you elaborate, Joanie, on what that means. 

JOANIE WINBERG:  Uh-hmm. 

PATRICK WANIS:  You’ve got to keep the mystery going.  You’ve got to still play the fantasy roles.  And I don’t mean just dressing up in different boots, in different dresses, but men get bored easily.  You’ve got to keep him excited with mystery.  You can play a little bit.  You can be flirty with him.  You can occasionally do the little tug of the rope, back and forth, where you’re playing a little bit hard to get, where you tease him.  He’s going to hate that but he’s going to love it underneath. 

JOANIE WINBERG:  Absolutely. 

PATRICK WANIS:  Now, Joanie, you’re a woman.  So, please elaborate. 

JOANIE WINBERG:  Well, what I was just going to say, even, like you did, you mentioned that the man would text her a couple of days before to say, “Friday night we’re going do this and go here and wear this.”  Well, it also can work for the women to do that because she can tease a man to say, “I have this exciting night.”  And she can get into, you know, use all the descriptive words she wants.  She can text him or whatever she wants to do, but it’s also teasing and playing with him as well and having him anticipate what’s going to happen.  Maybe remember some of the things that he loved when you dated that really turned him on or excited him while you were dating knowing that the kids are gone and taken care of and I have this plan. 

And, “Do you remember this when we used to…” and whatever she wants to do to really create that excitement.  And I think it must play for both men and women to know that that person cared enough to take their time out of the, especially, their busy schedule, their busy life to plan for that person.  “This is how much I love you.  I’m taking the time to plan and then create an exciting time for us.” 

because I know even people that have date nights, it’s like “That becomes old…Okay, we’re going to the restaurant.  We’re going to have dinner.  We’re going to drive home.”   But you know, really, like you said, you’ve got to be creative.  And I think women need to just get back into teasing the men a little bit and having them have some fantasies of their own of what’s going to be involved. 

And so, how’s that feel for men?  What do you think, Patrick? 

PATRICK WANIS:  I think that’s great because the other thing that both men and women need is the surprise; it’s the mystery; it’s the tease; it’s flirting.  They need the passion.  And again, men express their love to a woman just one of two ways – really quite simple – it’s either providing for them or through sex.  That’s how a husband also wants to express his love.  I have female clients who will say to me “Well, all he wants to do is have sex.”  And I say, “With who?”  She goes, “With me.” 

JOANIE WINBERG:  Oh, that’s a good thing. 

PATRICK WANIS:  Yes. I said, “Really?  He wants to have sex with you?  Why does he want to do that?”   And then she’s like, “Huh?”   And I said, “Well, you mean he does want to have sex with you.  It’s not with someone else, right?” 

“Well, yeah, but all he wants to do is have sex.”  I said, “Because that’s the way he shows his love.” 

Now, he obviously needs to learn that that’s not the only way.  And it’s true that men forget that women need emotional support and they need to be praised, and they need to be reassured, and they need to be cherished and treasured and reminded, and reinforced that they’re the one, the only one.  And guys forget that.  But women also need to understand that that’s how men are expressing themselves. 

So, understand that that’s how he is going to express himself to you and if you’re not feeling it because there’s something else lacking in a relationship then both of you need to work on that.  And you can simply ask your partner, “Out of a 10, how would you rate our marriage?”  And he might say, “What?” 

“Well, out of a 10 – 10 being the best, how would you rate this marriage?”  And he’ll go “I don’t know, five or six, whatever number.”  What else; what do you think is lacking?”  Ask your partner – talk to each other. 

You mentioned a moment ago how a date night can become boring.  You’re exactly right.  So what you need to do here is take the hat off.  When I say “the hat”, take of the hat and the costume that makes you a mother, take the hat and costume off that makes you a father and be again a woman, be again a man, be again a woman and a man that are trying to seduce each other.  You know, poetry, romance, seduction. 

Use technology to your advantage.  You can send your husband or wife, your partner.  You know if you’re single and you’re starting a new relationship, send some flirty messages via text.  Send some flirty messages via Facebook.  Keep the passion going with those rather than saying, “Have you paid the bill?  I can’t believe you forgot the electricity bill.” 

JOANIE WINBERG:  That’s true.  You know, the other thing, too, Patrick, I’m thinking is to be impulsive.  I mean, think about it, when people are dating, that is probably the biggest thing that it probably attracted most people, is that they were impulsive.  And say, “Hey, you know what, are you free?  You got a minute?  I know we get – you know, we’ve always got bills to pay; we always got something going on; we’ve always got work but you know what, it’s going to be there when we get back.  We can – we can escape.” 

I know a couple who – I mean they are just an unbelievable couple.  They used to go into the city because I’m in the Boston area and they would go still and rent a room for an afternoon.  And then would just… 

PATRICK WANIS:  Yes. 

JOANIE WINBERG: …you know, it didn’t have to be a big ordeal of a whole weekend or anything like that.  She says about once a month, they would just meet in the city and then rent a room. She said, “That was our time.  We escaped.  We shut everything off.  No text.  No phones or anything.” 

And she said, “And that just really helped our marriage.  And in fact we did it in the afternoon when the kids are still in school.  So, it didn’t even affect anybody.  We weren’t even missing the taxi cab driver that we are for our kids.”  So, she said, “We didn’t miss anything, but it worked out perfect.” 

And it’s amazing what it did for their marriage.  So it can be just that simple. 

PATRICK WANIS:  And what a great example because that was another example given to me by a couple that have been married for around 40 years and what he said to me was they would do exactly that.  They would go to a motel or a hotel for one night of the week.  Not every week, but when they could, and when they could afford it.  And it would just spice up their relationship. 

I think the other thing too that we haven’t discussed but definitely was brought up in the movie is about your dreams.  You know, what are your dreams?  It’s easy for us to get lost, to lose our dreams and to live off the dreams of our children. 

JOANIE WINBERG:  Uh-hmm. 

PATRICK WANIS:  Yes.  And this is another one of the things I teach.  Your role as a parent is to provide everything that’s necessary for your child to live his or her full potential, not for the child to be what you couldn’t be or what you never had a chance to be. 

Because, I remember that my parents wanted me to become an attorney or a doctor, you know, when I was just trying to decide what I wanted to do in college.  Although my father was an engineer and my mother already had a PhD, but I wanted to think, “Well, what do I really want to do?” 

And what happens if your child wants to be a musician, if your child wants to be an actor or an artist, a painter or something else?  It’s not their job to make up for what you didn’t have.  So when you, as an adult, are in a marriage or in a relationship, don’t lose sight of your own dream as well, whatever that dream is.  Whether it’s “I’ve always had a dream to go sky diving.  I’ve had a dream to go rapid rafting, water rafting or I’ve had a dream to visit this country…” 

You can still make it happen.  And what you’re teaching children as long as you don’t neglect them is self-respect and knowing how to look after yourself.  This is a really, really important example for children because it also teaches them about boundaries, about discipline.  And, “Hey, you’re still a child.  Respect your parents and let your parents have their time.”  And then the kids, when they grow up will actually love you and appreciate you more than if you did everything for them. 

Talking about your audience, which you said to me “Single Again! Now What?” I have clients that come to me who are single.  And I will sometimes work with the mother and the daughter or the father and the child.  And I had one lady come to me and her daughter is 17 years of age.  And she said to me, “Well, my daughter and I used to be best friends.”  And I said, “Well, that’s not the role of the parent.  You’re not meant to be their best friend.  You got to kick their behind sometimes. How will you do that when you are her best friend?” 

JOANIE WINBERG:  That’s right. 

PATRICK WANIS:  And she said, “But I want to be best friends.”  And I said, “No, no, no, no, no. 

JOANIE WINBERG:  That’s right. 

PATRICK WANIS:  Your child is not there to replace what you’re lacking from a relationship with another adult, a man.”    

JOANIE WINBERG:  And also, Patrick, just to even understand myself being a single mom and raising my children since they were 12 and 9, and now they’re 29 and 25 and they’re – one is a doctor herself of biology, and another one has graduated from a very prestigious school in Boston and works now in Manhattan.  And I’m very proud of them.  But, playing both roles (mom and dad) at that time, I had to really have the love from the mom, you know, to show that “Yes, I still love you.”  But I also had to be the disciplinarian to say, you know, “Okay, these are the boundaries.  These are the rules.  I’m reacting to your actions.  You might not recognize your mother.” 

As someone asked me, “You had that fear in your kids?”  And I said, “Absolutely, they needed to know the boundaries.  They needed to know that, yes, I love them.  And it’s not because I don’t love them if I’m reacting to their actions, but I’m doing that because I love them.” 

So that’s a hard thing to really be able to separate that. 

And you’re absolutely right.  We don’t want to be their friends which we can become when they’re 29 but not when they’re 12 and 9.  You’ve got to be the adult, the boss, but yet, knowing that you love them. 

And I always said to my kids, “I don’t care how big you are.  I’m always going to give you a ton of hugs and I’m always going to love you, but this is how your mom reacts if…” 

PATRICK WANIS:  And you’re exactly right.  And here’s the most shocking thing I’m going to say.  When the child – particularly for people listening right now who are single and have children – when you give up everything for your child, listen carefully please, your child is going to resent it and your child is going to grow up with guilt and your child is not going to be able to have another healthy relationship, and I’ll briefly explain why. 

I have clients who are now adults, you know, 25, 28, even older who come to me and complain that they ended up making up for what their mother wasn’t getting from another man.  And they resented the fact that their mother gave up everything.  In fact, a 17-year-old client said to me that she resents her mother for not having a boyfriend.  And her words, her exact words were, “I wish mom would get a boyfriend.”  And then I said to her mom “Here’s what she said to me.” 

“I can’t believe she would say that.  Why?  Why would she say that?”  I said, “Because she wants you to have your own life.  She doesn’t want you to give up everything because then she feels guilty that she can’t be herself.” 

JOANIE WINBERG:  Exactly. 

PATRICK WANIS:  So it’s about balance.  And I think what we need to understand is, if you give up too much, and this goes all the way back to what we started talking about at the beginning of our interview; If you give up everything and forget about the relationship (your marriage), you place a lot of guilt on your children.  Your children will feel guilty that you sacrificed for them and they’ll start to think that they weren’t good enough or they’ll expect it from everyone else.  And if you neglect your marriage, you’re actually neglecting your children.  So when you neglect your partner, that’s when your partner will start looking outside the marriage to get those wants and needs met. 

JOANIE WINBERG:  Yes. 

PATRICK WANIS:  So you’ve got to remember the things that brought you together. Why did you come together.  What brought you together?  What were your dreams?  What were your fantasies?  And you know what?  If you have a great body and she has a great body, that’s critical to your self-esteem, self-confidence and strengthens the relationship.  Now, when I say “a great body”, I don’t mean you have to have society’s idea of a body, I mean, that you look after your body, that you dress well, that you go to a hair dresser, that you do dress up in sexy clothes, that, ladies, you do put on lingerie for guys.  Guys like that.  They love to see their wife in lingerie. 

When you do that, the message to the other person is, “I’m still excited by you.  You still are important to me.  I still love you.  I still want you.”  Whether it’s, “I want you to take me now or whether I want you…”

JOANIE WINBERG:  Yeah. 

PATRICK WANIS:  It’s the same message.

JOANIE WINBERG:  I was just going to say the other thing, too, Patrick, is that; when the man sees the wife taking care of herself and vice versa, the message is “Wow, I respect you because you respect yourself.  You love yourself enough, how can I not love you?” 

So, to me, how attractive is that: a woman who’s maybe in her sweats and let her hair go and is becoming overweight or the man gets the big belly and he’s out of shape?  If you don’t care enough about yourself to love yourself, then you’re thinking, “Well, how does that other person love me, too, I mean, if you don’t respect yourself, would you say?” 

PATRICK WANIS:  What a great point.  You’ve got a key point here.  And I was just saying this to Allen Cognata, the producer and director of the film, just yesterday.  I said, “Every relationship begins with you.” 

JOANIE WINBERG:  Uh-hmm. 

PATRICK WANIS:  And we were talking about this and I said, “What that means is, the more that I love and respect and accept myself, the more I love, respect and accept others and the more that others will love, respect and accept me.”  So you’ve got to build up a good relationship with yourself.  You know your limitations; you know your strengths; you know your weaknesses; you love and accept all of that about yourself, but you respect yourself because when you respect yourself, I promise you, you’ll respect your partner. 

JOANIE WINBERG:  Absolutely. 

PATRICK WANIS:  And you won’t respect your partner if you don’t respect yourself. 

JOANIE WINBERG:  Absolutely. 

PATRICK WANIS:  So, I think you’re planning to wrap up and I was just going to say I think that this is a great thing that Allen and the whole team have done with this movie, The Putt Putt Syndrome, because it’s such a great concept.  And the way that they presented it is really wonderful because they touch on some really powerful points and issues, but it is a dark comedy so there are a lot of funny moments to it, but a lot of really revealing moments and a lot of, not just moments, but events and emotions that people will relate to. 

JOANIE WINBERG:  Well, I’ll look at it and I’m excited to see it because I hope that it’s a wake-up call for people.  I hope that people that are either in relationships or marriage will say, “Hey, you know what?  We got to do something about it because we just saw ourselves on that screen.”  And I hope that they wake up and start to look at it that way to say, “You know what, honey, we can do something about this.  Let’s make a plan.  Let’s change our life.  We also got our kids, they see and hear everything.  Let’s be the better role models for our kids so they can grow up and have healthy, happy relationships.” 

So that would be my dream is that people wake up, or if they are single again, that “Okay, I’m not going to jump in a situation and do the same thing.  I’m going to learn from this and be the best I can be.” 

PATRICK WANIS:  And it’s not too late.  And I think that’s the point you’re making. 

JOANIE WINBERG:  Uh-hmm.  Yeah.  Yeah. 

PATRICK WANIS:  And you’re right, it’s not too late.  And I guess for me, Joanie, the final point I’d like to make is: please also understand that within any relationship, once you enter the security of the relationship – notice I said once you enter the security of relationship… 

JOANIE WINBERG:  Yes. 

PATRICK WINBERG: You’re issues will come up.  Your insecurities will come up.  So if you have a problem,  that you’re afraid of rejection or you have a problem with emotional intimacy or some other fear, be willing to face that and then go and get the help that you need for that because remember, I said every relationship begins with you.  So if you heal yourself of that, you’ll help the marriage and you’ll help your relationship. 

So number one, it’s not too late.  You can take action.  And if there is some other block, some other subconscious block, some other issue that goes back to something that happened in your childhood, the way you were raised, then heal that and allow your relationship to create a safe environment. 

JOANIE WINBERG:  Absolutely. 

PATRICK WANIS:  So that you can speak to your partner and say, “You know what?  This is a fear I have; this is why I shut down; or this is why I cry when this happens.”  So that your partner can offer you that support, that encouragement so that you really can have not just the sparks and the fire and the passion but such a deep emotional connection that you keep growing and growing, and the bond and the connection keeps deepening and deepening.  And then you’ll have a really satisfying and fulfilling relationship and marriage. 

JOANIE WINBERG:  Absolutely.  Patrick, this has been phenomenal.  I mean, it’s amazing how fast time flies, but everything that we’ve talked about, all the tips and the tools and the topics that you’ve touched upon today, I can’t thank you enough because I really just think this is something that’s very powerful.  I hope people go and see the movie, The Putt Putt Syndrome, because I think it can really help make a difference in our society. 

And Patrick, I just want to make sure, once again, that people have your website which is www.PATRICKWANIS.com. 

And also I just want to thank you for being one of our experts for the National Association of Divorce for Women and Children.  And you are also on our website.  I’m really excited about that and honored that you are one of our experts as well, Patrick. 

PATRICK WANIS:  Well, thank you, Joanie.  It’s my pleasure.  And if people want to know more about the movie, it’s the puttputtsyndrome.com.  The word putt is spelled P-U-T-T.  So it’s the puttputtsyndrome.com and it’s a great movie.  You’re going to love it. 

JOANIE WINBERG:  Absolutely.  And also we want to thank our listeners for listening in.  And also, Patrick, thank you for being on the show.  And remember to join us every Wednesday at 6 p.m. Eastern Standard Time to hear the Single Again! Now What? Blog Talk Radio Show and we’ll talk to you next week. 

First a quick update:

ü  Does your marriage or relationship suffer from the putt putt syndrome? – I have been appointed the exclusive relationship expert for the new movie, “The Putt Putt Syndrome.” What is it? How do you prevent it? How do you get out of it? Listen to the interview I gave to Joanie Winberg CEO of the National Association of Divorce for Women and Children and host of “Single Again! Now What?” Talk Radio Show. I discuss the syndrome and how to get out of it. http://patrickwanis.com/RadioInterviews.asp#PuttSyndrome

ü  Divorced? Widowed? A Single Mom? - If you are Stuck in the muck and not sure how to move your life forward, take advantage and find love and happiness again with a new mentoring program for women! Click here: http://tinyurl.com/yd6hzuk

Now, let’s talk about personalities and compatibility.

When it comes to attraction, there are many factors that determine the magnetism and subsequent compatibility of two people in a relationship. Of course, the type of relationship (business, social or romantic) will determine the factors behind attraction and compatibility.

Some of the factors involved in attraction include:

Physical

Mental

Emotional

Spiritual

Biological

Cultural

Biological attraction refers to one of the few aspects of our brain that is truly hardwired. For example, we have a type of DNA of our immune system known as Major Histocompatibility Complex (MHC.) Research shows that the more opposite the immune system, the more we will unconsciously be attracted to the other person because two people with opposite immune genes will produce healthy offspring with an even stronger resulting immune system. Incidentally, although it is not fully clear, research suggests that we recognize each other’s immune genes via smell; we literally sniff out each other – although it is an unconscious action.

In that sense, the expression, “Opposites attract” is actually quite accurate. But that wonderful catchphrase can also be quite misleading. As I explained in a Success Newsletter, from October 22, 2008, “What do you value?” http://patrickwanis.com/blog/index.php/2008/10/22/what-do-you-value/ it is critical to the success and longevity of a relationship that a couple’s core values are the same; that they match. Clashing values lead to the breakdown of relationships, friendships and businesses. Identical or complimentary values lead to flourishing relationships in all areas of life.

So other than biology, where else does the phrase “Opposites attract” apply?

Surprisingly, it applies to temperament and personality. There are many different personality tests and almost every test divides personality into 4 categories. The oldest test known is “The Four Temperaments” (Sanguine, Choleric, Melancholy and Phlegmatic or Talker, Doer, Thinker and Watcher.)

http://patrickwanis.com/WhoAreYouPersonalityTest.asp

The Talker and Doer are extroverts and the Thinker and Watcher are introverts.

Here is a summary some of the characteristics of each of the personality types followed by a discussion about compatibility:

Sanguine – Talker

The Talker is expressive and seeks praise. He is an extrovert who reacts to problems and manipulates others. He is outgoing, emotionally demonstrative and makes friends easily. He also falls in love easily and is the life of the party. The Talker is enthusiastic, a storyteller, an optimist who turns disaster into humor and is creative, colorful and eternally a child.

Some of the Talker’s weaknesses include being egotistical and exaggerating. The Talker needs to be center stage, doesn’t listen well and tends to interrupt conversations.

Choleric – Doer

The Doer is a driver and seeks power. He is an extrovert who reacts to problems in a practical manner and who dominates others. He is pushy, emotionally controlled and doesn’t makes friends easily. He falls in love infrequently and is a born leader. The Doer is dynamic and active, an organizer, an optimist who thrives on challenges, enjoys controlling and excels in emergencies.

Some of the Doer’s weaknesses include being bossy and quick-tempered. The Doer is demanding at work, dominates others and tends to express that he knows everything.

Melancholy – Thinker

The Thinker is analytical and seeks perfection. He is an introvert who is persistent in solving problems and who tends to be inflexible in the way he handles others. He is critical, emotionally deep and makes friends cautiously. He falls in love cautiously, is analytical and deep and thoughtful. The Thinker is conscientious, pessimistic, and compassionate; he avoids attention and sacrifices his will for others.

Some of the Thinker’s weaknesses include being moody and depressed, and he enjoys being hurt. The Thinker is a perfectionist with extremely high standards, critical, suspicious and unforgiving.

Phlegmatic – Watcher

The Watcher is amiable and seeks pleasantness. He is an introvert who handles problems permissively, avoids confrontation, and tends to conform to other people. He is hesitant, emotionally sympathetic and makes friends easily. He falls in love eagerly, is patient, calm and steady. The Watcher is a good listener, a pessimist, compassionate and caring but keeps his emotions hidden.

Some of the Watcher’s weaknesses include being unenthusiastic, fearful and worried. The Watcher is lenient with discipline, lacks motivation, judges others and is resistant to change.

Before discussing compatibility and personality, it is important to remember to be wary that one does not use his or her personality or temperament as an excuse for either poor behavior or a reason to avoid improving upon one’s weaknesses. I do believe we have the ability to change many aspects of our behavior and temperament.

The greater understanding you have of your own personality and that of other people, the greater success you can have in relationships. For example, when dealing with a Talker personality (who seeks praise), it is best to praise them for everything that they accomplish and understand that it is natural for them to make fun out of things that might be embarrassing to others.

In my audio CD, personality test “Who Are You? Talker, Doer, Thinker or Watcher?”- http://patrickwanis.com/WhoAreYouPersonalityTest.asp - I reveal in detail the secrets to getting along with each personality type and how to motivate each personality type. Meanwhile, let’s discuss briefly the key aspects of compatibility.

The Talker and Doer are extroverts and the Thinker and Watcher are introverts. The extrovert personality is energized by being around lots of people, while the introvert avoids lots of people and is energized by quiet time. Of course, we all need some quiet time. An example of the dynamic between these personalities in a relationship is when the man (Talker) loves to entertain and have lots of people over, and the wife (Thinker) says, “I need to escape. I am going over to mom’s place.”

Opposite personalities can truly complement each other as long as they are not extreme opposites. For example, a person who scores extremely high on the Watcher scale would not have a good relationship with a person who scores extremely high on the Talker scale. Why? The Talker would accuse the Watcher of being boring because the Watcher would not want to participate in activities nor be enthusiastic; the Watcher would complain that the extreme Talker can never relax or be happy with them spending lots of alone time.

And if you were to have a couple with identical personalities, the result would also be disastrous; two Doers would be fighting about who is the boss, and their arguments would be excessive because they are both hot-headed. Two Watchers would just sit around and never participate in any activity and would probably depress each other. Two Talkers would be competing and fighting to get attention and center stage. Two Thinkers would be stuck in their head and probably exaggerate each other’s moodiness.

Thus answer to true compatibility is balance, whereby two personalities complement each other and allow each person to fully express themselves.

In my audio CD/MP3 program personality test “Who Are You? Talker, Doer, Thinker or Watcher?” ( http://patrickwanis.com/WhoAreYouPersonalityTest.asp ), I explain in detail each of the four personality types: emotions and the way each one behaves as a child, parent, friend and worker. I explain what each personality type needs, how to get along with each type, how to motivate them and reveal powerful tips for compatibility and happiness in relationships and couplings.

If you would like to comment on this newsletter, go to www.patrickwanis.com/blog   if you have received this newsletter as a forward and would like to receive all of my newsletters please enter your email address on the home page at PatrickWanis.com.

I wish you the best and remind you “Believe in yourself -You deserve the best!”

Patrick Wanis Ph.D.
Celebrity Life Coach, Human Behavior & Relationship Expert & Clinical Hypnotherapist
www.patrickwanis.com

“We often create our own loneliness”, says Patrick Wanis PhD, Human Behavior & Relationship Expert and author of “Find Love Fast” and “Get Over It.” We close up, shut down, stop trusting or simply lock ourselves inside the house and do fake talk on the internet. Our attitude can shun away others and cause loneliness. For example, if you are a woman, stop trying to be so independent that no man wants to be around you because he feels you don’t need him at all.”

Dr. Wanis says we must take action to experience love and says there are five simple steps to overcoming loneliness:

1: RECOGNIZE that you are feeling or experiencing loneliness. Some people create a pattern and lifestyle where they have become so independent yet unhappy, that they fail to recognize that the cause of their unhappiness is because they have isolated themselves from the world.

2: IDENTIFY the source and origin of your loneliness. A loss, a breakup, major life change such as a move? Have you shut down because of a past hurt or betrayal? Also, ask yourself: “What do I believe about myself, about my self-worth? Do I trust myself and/or others?”

3: CLEAR the cause of the loneliness i.e. the event that created it and the painful feelings and beliefs associated with that event. Forgive.

4: ACCEPTANCE and HOPE. Accept what has happened in the past and accept that life might be different now; it might never even be the same again as it once was, but, it can still be enjoyable, exciting and adventurous.

5: TAKE ACTION. Beware though that faceless action with other people via technology does not equal the action necessary to conquer loneliness. Get out of the house and connect with people on an emotional level in person.

* Stop trying to do everything on your own; allow others to help and support you; ease the reins of control - stop being overly controlling

* If you are a woman, stop trying to be so independent that no man wants to be around you because he feels you don’t need him at all

* If you are a man, learn to be more flexible and patient; accept that women need open dialogue and communication in a relationship

* Identify the ways you feed the loneliness - addictions, social withdrawal, self-pity, critical and judgmental attitudes towards others; (remember if you keep telling yourself that people are bad and you keep looking for flaws, you will lose all motivation to connect with others and you will only meet the types of people you condemn)

* Join groups at your church, synagogue or congregation

* Volunteer time and do charity work; express kindness and affection (when you feel needed and valued you will gain more inspiration and confidence to get out and meet more people and to give others a chance in your life)

* Start a conversation with new people - yes with a stranger -

* When meeting people, remember to ask questions and express sincere interest in the other person; don’t just talk about yourself or cry for pity, otherwise you will get the pity but you will lose a potential friend

* Join a club based around your hobbies, interests, etc.

* Invite people over for small gatherings - coffee, tea, etc.

* Find a new purpose (if there has been dramatic changes in your life and you need to reevaluate your identity and role)

* Beware of continually choosing comfort (i.e. watching television, laying on the couch) and choose to step out and try new things; focus on the pleasure of the possible reward and benefit of the new adventure

* Build self-confidence (every time you have a small success, you raise your self-confidence)

* Bring closure and inner resolution to your old relationships

* Finally, become childlike about life; remembering that when you were a child and you fell or hurt yourself, you got up and tried again until you got it right!

***** Originally from Australia, Patrick Wanis PhD, is a Celebrity Life-Coach, Author, Expert in Human Behavior and Relationships and a Clinical Hypnotherapist with a PhD in Health Psychology, human behavior & hypnosis. Wanis has appeared on FOX News, MSNBC, Extra, Mike and Juliet show, Mun2, CNN.com, XM radio, Date.com, Matchmaker.com, E!, Vh1, Cosmo, Dating on Demand, Rolling Stone, InTouch Weekly, National Enquirer, Natural Awakenings, Us Weekly, OK Magazine, and more. Wanis is the first person ever to do Clinical Hypnotherapy on national television. WGN Chicago and Syndicated TV show, “The Daily Buzz” anointed him “The Woman Expert” and FOX News pronounced him “A voice for women.” Over five million people have read Wanis’ books in English and Spanish. www.patrickwanis.com