In this week’s Success Newsletter, I would like to discuss and reveal the two biggest mistakes women make, how those mistakes destroy relationships & romance, and what is the best way for men to respond.
First a quick update:
· Soul Mates – fact or dangerous myth? Can someone else make you happy and complete you? Is your soul mate perfect? From where does the concept of soul mates come? Are we designed to spend our entire life with just one person? What is chemical attraction and what does it take to create a lasting, meaningful and healthy relationship? Listen to the hour-long interview I gave to Joanie Winberg, founder of the National Association of Divorce for Women and Children and host of “Single Again! Now What?” internet radio show. I also smash wide open the myth behind soul mates and divulge the missing key and five steps to “Finding Your Ideal Match and Loving Yourself.” http://patrickwanis.com/RadioInterviews.asp
Now, let’s talk about the two biggest mistakes women make.
No. 1: Falling in love with a man’s potential – what he could be or might be one day. Many women hope the man will change and grow and evolve; but worse, they expect that he will change and grow and evolve. And then they become disillusioned and deeply disappointed when he doesn’t change, has no interest in changing or simply refuses to change.
Sadly, men generally don’t have any interest in changing until they truly need to change – when the pain becomes so strong that they realize they must change i.e. when the wife threatens to divorce her husband unless he attends counseling or changes a specific habit. And even then, the man will only change when and if he is willing and ready. And ladies, please understand that it takes men years to change, mature and evolve. You can read more on this point in my In my success newsletter of October 2008, http://patrickwanis.com/blog/2008/10/29/why-dont-you-change/
The second biggest mistake women make is revealing, focusing and constantly talking about their physical flaws to their partner. Unfortunately, almost every woman will quickly and easily blurt out what she doesn’t like about her body. As a Celebrity Life Coach and Human Behavior Expert, I was recently interviewed to give my insights into actress Mischa Barton: In the latest issue of UK Cosmo magazine, Mischa Barton who is just 23 years of age, admits that on many nights before she goes to bed, she finds her mind getting stuck on her flaws: “I’m a normal girl…I have days – actually it’s more at the end of the evening when I go to bed – where I’m like, ‘Oh, I hate this or that about myself.’ It happens a lot.”
It’s critical to remember that “you get more of what you focus on” and every time you focus on your flaws you are giving yourself more reasons to hate yourself and you are lowering your self esteem and self-confidence and you are creating a highly negative self-image. You will become depressed!
Second, and with regards to a relationship, the longer time you spend selling your physical flaws to your boyfriend, partner or husband the more you are convincing him that you are not worthy, that there is so much wrong with you. Eventually, you will succeed and he will agree with you. In other words, if you keep telling him that you are ugly and fat, he will one day wake up and believe the same thing about you. Also, women are much more critical about their body (and other women’s bodies) than men are about the woman’s body; he doesn’t notice the extra five pounds on you or that you were born with large hips.
If you are a man, it is important to understand that when women are expressing dissatisfaction over some aspect of their body, they are actually seeking reassurance, validation and confirmation. The challenge for most men is that few of them know how to reassure the woman. Many male clients complain that their approach almost always fails: “I tell her she doesn’t look fat but she says ‘you’re just saying that’ and when I say ‘I love you as you are’ she gives me a glare and then says “so you think I am fat!”
So what is the best way to reassure a woman?
First and foremost, give her compliments and reassurance when she least expects it. In other words, do it when her hair is messy, when she is dressed in casual clothes, when she is just lounging around or when you are in the car together; give her an affectionate kiss and a sincere compliment as you walk past. Compliment her inner and outer beauty.
Second, take a sincere interest in what she is wearing and the effort she puts into looking good. Remember, she wants you to notice, she wants you to be proud of her and she wants to look beautiful for you, so compliment her and express appreciation.
Third, have an opinion. If she asks “Which dress do you prefer?, choose one. Next, she probably will ask “Why?” So you better have a reason – even if it’s the color, the style or you simply say “I think it’s flattering on you.”
Now, the question remains, what is the best way to respond when she puts you on the spot and asks the toughest of all questions, “Do I look fat?”
I suggest that you inject humor and exaggeration to completely neutralize her fear, self-doubt and insecurity. For example, if you were to reply with “Oh, quick, let’s call 911 and ask for the fat police…we have a dangerous situation on our hands!” she would probably laugh because it has now become so exaggerated that it is almost ridiculous. The key is to say it with such humor that the both of you end up laughing. And then go up to her and hug her, give her an affectionate kiss as you say with a smile and a laugh, “Are you sure you don’t want me to call the fat police because the phone is handy?” When she sees that you are having fun and you are comfortable and confident around her and with her, then she too, will feel comfortable and confident. Simply be aware that you don’t make fun of her if she asks you that question while she is distraught, crying or highly emotional. In that case, hug her, hold her, listen to her and let her express her feelings. Do not give any advice. Just listen and simply say “It’s Ok. I am here.”
The final point I would like to make pertains to both genders: no one can love you more than you love yourself – you won’t let them. While that may sound cheesy, trite or corny it remains true: when you don’t subconsciously feel that you are good enough you will question why someone else thinks you are and one way or another you will push them away or sabotage them.
Get more insights and tips from my audio book “Get The Man You Want!” http://patrickwanis.com/GetTheManYouWant.asp
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I wish you the best and remind you “Believe in yourself -You deserve the best!”
Patrick Wanis Ph.D.
Celebrity Life Coach, Human Behavior & Relationship Expert & Clinical Hypnotherapist