In this week’s Success Newsletter, I would like to reveal two secrets to finding and experiencing love.
First a quick update:
**** Teen takes on Seventeen, says magazine contributes to body image issues – The magazine marketed to teenagers continues to Photoshop and airbrush images of its teen models to create the perfect face and body. Now a teenager is taking on the magazine claiming it contributes to serious body-image issues. Read my quotes in the article on FoxNews.com: http://www.foxnews.com/entertainment/2012/05/08/teen-takes-on-seventeen-says-magazine-contributes-to-body-image-issues/
Now, let’s talk about the two secrets to finding and experiencing love.
From my book “Find Love Fast”:
Life can be confusing and complex at times. We can find ourselves befuddled by its many mysteries, wondering how our life turned out the way it did. Sometimes we can become sad and feel hopeless, wondering if any one will ever love us the way we want.
The good news is we are not powerless or helpless -no matter what is now going on in our lives or what we have experienced in the past.
One of my clients, Jill, came to me in desperation. After three years, Robert, her partner walked out on her. She was confused and deeply hurt. “I did nothing wrong. I loved him so much. I did everything he wanted. I gave everything to him. I cooked and cleaned for him. I know that no one will ever love Robert the way I did…”
Why would someone walk out on his partner if she loved him so much? Why would someone walk out if that person did everything he wanted?
Ironically, the mistake Jill made was that she did everything he wanted!
You might ask, “What is wrong with that?”
There is nothing wrong with wanting to make the other person happy. There is nothing wrong with wanting the best for the other person and wanting to please him or her. The problem arises when one does everything the other person wants and is thus no longer true to oneself.
Each and every one of us is unique and has his or her own desires, goals and dreams. If we do everything that the other person wants then there must be many times that we are not doing what we want. Instead of our relationship becoming a partnership, it becomes a relationship where one person lives only to serve the other. Many people talk about a dream of having someone serve them but when it actually happens in a romantic relationship or partnership, they lose respect for the other person.
Robert walked out on Jill, because she had already walked out on herself. Robert couldn’t love Jill, because Jill didn’t love herself.
Here then is Secret Number 1:
If you don’t love yourself, then the love you give is needy love, given in an attempt to fill an inner emptiness.
Robert felt Jill’s neediness. He felt her desperation. He sensed her desperate desire to do anything he wanted just to get him to love her. Ultimately, Robert lost respect for Jill and simply reflected to her what she believed about herself – she didn’t deserve to be loved.
We value that which is special and precious. When someone will do anything to win our love, then we no longer perceive that person as valuable or precious. We fall in love with and want to be with someone who knows what they want, is clear about what they want, believes that he or she is special and, follows and maintains their standards & principles. How could Robert believe that Jill is special when Jill didn’t believe she is special?
We want someone who loves us for who we are and wants to express their love to us without expecting something in return. We want someone who will express love to us because they love us and not because they are doing it desperately hoping that we will love them back or so that we can convince or prove to them that they are special and worthy.
Robert surely sensed that Jill was only expressing love to him and doing whatever he wanted so that he would love her back. When we behave that way, we are not expressing love. We are trying to make an exchange: “I’ll give to you if you give to me. I’ll love you if you love me. Ill forgive you if you forgive me.”
When you will do anything to get someone to love you, you are asking them to convince you that you are lovable and no one can convince you of that – except you. Another person might help to inspire you to see the beauty in you but no one can convince you that you are special and beautiful unless you choose to do so. Later, in this book, I will share techniques with you to help you to see the beauty in you!
Have you ever met or know someone that is desperate and clingy? How do you feel around that person? Do you feel relaxed and calm around him or her, or do you feel uncomfortable? Do you want to spend time with that person or do you find yourself trying to escape as soon as possible?
We are sending out messages and signals all the time, even when we are not consciously aware of it. When we walk around with a long face, head down, stooped, even ashamed of who we are, how can we expect anyone to love us or respond to us in a positive way? When we are often angry, bitter or complaining, how can we expect anyone to want to spend time with us or be out on a date with us?
What kind of message and signals are you sending out to the people around you?
In the 2003 motion picture, “Bruce Almighty”, Jim Carrey plays an ungrateful television reporter. He is unhappy with almost everything in his life despite his popularity and the love of his girlfriend, Grace (played by Jennifer Aniston.) As things worsen for Bruce, he angrily ridicules and condemns God. And God appears and endows Bruce with divine powers with one limitation – he can’t affect free will.
Subsequently, Bruce abuses his powers for his own selfish desires, creating havoc and worsening his life. In one scene in the movie, Bruce has spoilt a party and his relationship with Grace. He is now sitting on a sofa being soaked by the fire sprinklers.
God appears and sarcastically says, “Nothing like spending some time with real friends.” Bruce responds with, “Grace left me.” God says, “I know” and Bruce says, “She will take me back.” He pauses and is uncertain as he now makes it a question, “She will take me back?” And God says, “Would you take you back?” Bruce is starting to see the light: He says, “How do you make someone love you when you can’t affect free will?”
We cannot make anyone love us and we can easily push someone away from us. Jill did the same with Robert. She believed if she just did whatever he wanted then he would love her. But Robert wanted to fall in love and be in a relationship with an authentic person who has integrity, not a slave or someone who doesn’t respect herself. If Jill couldn’t be true to herself, how could she expect Robert to be true to her?
This point leads us to the second secret:
To find love and create an extraordinary, loving and fulfilling relationship with anyone, you must first create an extraordinary, loving and fulfilling relationship with yourself.
The above sentence sounds impressive but how do we do create a fantastic relationship with ourselves?
If you would like to learn more about how to create a fantastic relationship with yourself and experience love, read my book: “Find Love Fast”
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I wish you the best and remind you “Believe in yourself -You deserve the best!”
Patrick Wanis Ph.D.
Celebrity Life Coach, Human Behavior & Relationship Expert & SRTT Therapist