This is a prepared text of the Commencement address delivered by Steve Jobs, CEO of Apple Computer and of Pixar Animation Studios, on June 12, 2005.

I am honored to be with you today at your commencement from one of the finest universities in the world. I never graduated from college. Truth be told, this is the closest I’ve ever gotten to a college graduation. Today I want to tell you three stories from my life. That’s it. No big deal. Just three stories.

The first story is about connecting the dots.

I dropped out of Reed College after the first 6 months, but then stayed around as a drop-in for another 18 months or so before I really quit. So why did I drop out?

It started before I was born. My biological mother was a young, unwed college graduate student, and she decided to put me up for adoption. She felt very strongly that I should be adopted by college graduates, so everything was all set for me to be adopted at birth by a lawyer and his wife. Except that when I popped out they decided at the last minute that they really wanted a girl. So my parents, who were on a waiting list, got a call in the middle of the night asking: “We have an unexpected baby boy; do you want him?” They said: “Of course.” My biological mother later found out that my mother had never graduated from college and that my father had never graduated from high school. She refused to sign the final adoption papers. She only relented a few months later when my parents promised that I would someday go to college.

And 17 years later I did go to college. But I naively chose a college that was almost as expensive as Stanford, and all of my working-class parents’ savings were being spent on my college tuition. After six months, I couldn’t see the value in it. I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life and no idea how college was going to help me figure it out. And here I was spending all of the money my parents had saved their entire life. So I decided to drop out and trust that it would all work out OK. It was pretty scary at the time, but looking back it was one of the best decisions I ever made. The minute I dropped out I could stop taking the required classes that didn’t interest me, and begin dropping in on the ones that looked interesting.

It wasn’t all romantic. I didn’t have a dorm room, so I slept on the floor in friends’ rooms, I returned coke bottles for the 5¢ deposits to buy food with, and I would walk the 7 miles across town every Sunday night to get one good meal a week at the Hare Krishna temple. I loved it. And much of what I stumbled into by following my curiosity and intuition turned out to be priceless later on. Let me give you one example:

Reed College at that time offered perhaps the best calligraphy instruction in the country. Throughout the campus every poster, every label on every drawer, was beautifully hand calligraphed. Because I had dropped out and didn’t have to take the normal classes, I decided to take a calligraphy class to learn how to do this. I learned about serif and san serif typefaces, about varying the amount of space between different letter combinations, about what makes great typography great. It was beautiful, historical, artistically subtle in a way that science can’t capture, and I found it fascinating.

None of this had even a hope of any practical application in my life. But ten years later, when we were designing the first Macintosh computer, it all came back to me. And we designed it all into the Mac. It was the first computer with beautiful typography. If I had never dropped in on that single course in college, the Mac would have never had multiple typefaces or proportionally spaced fonts. And since Windows just copied the Mac, it’s likely that no personal computer would have them. If I had never dropped out, I would have never dropped in on this calligraphy class, and personal computers might not have the wonderful typography that they do. Of course it was impossible to connect the dots looking forward when I was in college. But it was very, very clear looking backwards ten years later.

Again, you can’t connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something — your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. This approach has never let me down, and it has made all the difference in my life.

My second story is about love and loss.

I was lucky — I found what I loved to do early in life. Woz and I started Apple in my parents garage when I was 20. We worked hard, and in 10 years Apple had grown from just the two of us in a garage into a $2 billion company with over 4000 employees. We had just released our finest creation — the Macintosh — a year earlier, and I had just turned 30. And then I got fired. How can you get fired from a company you started? Well, as Apple grew we hired someone who I thought was very talented to run the company with me, and for the first year or so things went well. But then our visions of the future began to diverge and eventually we had a falling out. When we did, our Board of Directors sided with him. So at 30 I was out. And very publicly out. What had been the focus of my entire adult life was gone, and it was devastating.

I really didn’t know what to do for a few months. I felt that I had let the previous generation of entrepreneurs down – that I had dropped the baton as it was being passed to me. I met with David Packard and Bob Noyce and tried to apologize for screwing up so badly. I was a very public failure, and I even thought about running away from the valley. But something slowly began to dawn on me — I still loved what I did. The turn of events at Apple had not changed that one bit. I had been rejected, but I was still in love. And so I decided to start over.

I didn’t see it then, but it turned out that getting fired from Apple was the best thing that could have ever happened to me. The heaviness of being successful was replaced by the lightness of being a beginner again, less sure about everything. It freed me to enter one of the most creative periods of my life.

During the next five years, I started a company named NeXT, another company named Pixar, and fell in love with an amazing woman who would become my wife. Pixar went on to create the worlds first computer animated feature film, Toy Story, and is now the most successful animation studio in the world. In a remarkable turn of events, Apple bought NeXT, I returned to Apple, and the technology we developed at NeXT is at the heart of Apple’s current renaissance. And Laurene and I have a wonderful family together.

I’m pretty sure none of this would have happened if I hadn’t been fired from Apple. It was awful tasting medicine, but I guess the patient needed it. Sometimes life hits you in the head with a brick. Don’t lose faith. I’m convinced that the only thing that kept me going was that I loved what I did. You’ve got to find what you love. And that is as true for your work as it is for your lovers. Your work is going to fill a large part of your life, and the only way to be truly satisfied is to do what you believe is great work. And the only way to do great work is to love what you do. If you haven’t found it yet, keep looking. Don’t settle. As with all matters of the heart, you’ll know when you find it. And, like any great relationship, it just gets better and better as the years roll on. So keep looking until you find it. Don’t settle.

My third story is about death.

When I was 17, I read a quote that went something like: “If you live each day as if it was your last, someday you’ll most certainly be right.” It made an impression on me, and since then, for the past 33 years, I have looked in the mirror every morning and asked myself: “If today were the last day of my life, would I want to do what I am about to do today?” And whenever the answer has been “No” for too many days in a row, I know I need to change something.

Remembering that I’ll be dead soon is the most important tool I’ve ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life. Because almost everything — all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure – these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important. Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart.

About a year ago I was diagnosed with cancer. I had a scan at 7:30 in the morning, and it clearly showed a tumor on my pancreas. I didn’t even know what a pancreas was. The doctors told me this was almost certainly a type of cancer that is incurable, and that I should expect to live no longer than three to six months. My doctor advised me to go home and get my affairs in order, which is doctor’s code for prepare to die. It means to try to tell your kids everything you thought you’d have the next 10 years to tell them in just a few months. It means to make sure everything is buttoned up so that it will be as easy as possible for your family. It means to say your goodbyes.

I lived with that diagnosis all day. Later that evening I had a biopsy, where they stuck an endoscope down my throat, through my stomach and into my intestines, put a needle into my pancreas and got a few cells from the tumor. I was sedated, but my wife, who was there, told me that when they viewed the cells under a microscope the doctors started crying because it turned out to be a very rare form of pancreatic cancer that is curable with surgery. I had the surgery and I’m fine now.

This was the closest I’ve been to facing death, and I hope it’s the closest I get for a few more decades. Having lived through it, I can now say this to you with a bit more certainty than when death was a useful but purely intellectual concept:

No one wants to die. Even people who want to go to heaven don’t want to die to get there. And yet death is the destination we all share. No one has ever escaped it. And that is as it should be, because Death is very likely the single best invention of Life. It is Life’s change agent. It clears out the old to make way for the new. Right now the new is you, but someday not too long from now, you will gradually become the old and be cleared away. Sorry to be so dramatic, but it is quite true.

Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life. Don’t be trapped by dogma — which is living with the results of other people’s thinking. Don’t let the noise of others’ opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.

When I was young, there was an amazing publication called The Whole Earth Catalog, which was one of the bibles of my generation. It was created by a fellow named Stewart Brand not far from here in Menlo Park, and he brought it to life with his poetic touch. This was in the late 1960′s, before personal computers and desktop publishing, so it was all made with typewriters, scissors, and polaroid cameras. It was sort of like Google in paperback form, 35 years before Google came along: it was idealistic, and overflowing with neat tools and great notions.

Stewart and his team put out several issues of The Whole Earth Catalog, and then when it had run its course, they put out a final issue. It was the mid-1970s, and I was your age. On the back cover of their final issue was a photograph of an early morning country road, the kind you might find yourself hitchhiking on if you were so adventurous. Beneath it were the words: “Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish.” It was their farewell message as they signed off. Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish. And I have always wished that for myself. And now, as you graduate to begin anew, I wish that for you.

Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish.

Thank you all very much.

First a quick update:

**** “Is addiction overruling your relationship?” –Read my insights and suggestions about how to recognize the signs of addiction (when it is time to take action and what steps to take) in the article on Treatment-centers.net – a public benefit addiction treatment resource organization dedicated to helping addicts and alcoholics recover from the devastating effects of drug addiction, alcoholism, dual diagnosis, eating disorders and co-occurring disorders:

http://www.treatment-centers.net/addiction-and-valentine-love.html

Now, let’s talk about the lessons that can be gleaned from the experiences of Billy Ray Cyrus and his daughter Miley Cyrus.

Miley Cyrus is a pop-culture sensation – an actress and pop singer who became famous for her role as a teenager with a secret life as a pop star in Disney’s TV sitcom “Hannah Montana.” But it appears that in real life, Miley is out of control. Her relationship with her father has deteriorated; she’s been involved in various controversies and her father Billy and his wife Tish are divorcing.

The world around Billy Ray Cyrus is crumbling and he now blames the TV show:

“I’ll tell you right now, the damn show destroyed my family” he admits to Chris Heath of GQ magazine. And he adds that he now wishes the TV show had never happened. “I hate to say it, but yes, I do. Yeah. I’d take it back in a second…For my family to be here and just be everybody OK, safe and sound and happy and normal, would have been fantastic. Heck, yeah. I’d erase it all in a second if I could.”

I have often spoken about the detrimental effect of Hollywood on child stars and their families and I have written about the curse of the reality show and how reality shows often lead to divorce: http://patrickwanis.com/blog/index.php/2009/06/08/reality-shows-lead-to-divorce/ Hulk Hogan has also expressed his regrets over his TV show and the effect it had on his family and the subsequent divorce.

There is no doubt that being in show business, particularly as a child, creates all sorts of problems and can often swallow up and even destroy the very people who set out to entertain us. In a TV interview I revealed that “the child actor is forever perceived as a child but never had a childhood of his or her own – and this is the greatest tragedy!”

Watch the TV interview “Loss of innocence – Why child actors – celebrities suffer so much” – http://patrickwanis.com/Videos.asp

It may seem obvious that a man such as Billy Ray Cyrus, who was already in show business (famous for his 1990s hit song “Achy Breaky Heart”) would have been aware of the dangers of fame and yet, he obviously never before stopped to think about the people who had already paid a dear price for fame.

Gary Coleman suffered most of his life; he was betrayed by almost everyone that was supposed to have loved or protected him. Dana Plato of Different Strokes had longstanding personal problems and committed suicide on May 8, 1999; Freddie Prinze committed suicide by shooting himself in the head at age 22; River Phoenix died of a heroin and cocaine overdose at age 23; Brad Renfro was found dead in his Los Angeles apartment at age 25 (the cause of death is still undetermined) and Andrew Koenig (the Growing Pains actor) committed suicide at age 41.

Read my articles “Michael Jackson – a victim”:

http://patrickwanis.com/blog/index.php/2009/07/09/michael-jackson-a-victim/ and “Michael Jackson and the extreme price of fame”:

http://patrickwanis.com/blog/index.php/2009/06/29/michael-jackson-and-the-extreme-price-of-fame/

While Billy Ray Cyrus speaks candidly to Chris Heath of GQ magazine, he still falls short of understanding that ultimately we are responsible for those things that are within our control; and within Billy’s control was his daughter, his family and his role and responsibility as a father.

Billy Ray Cyrus tells GQ magazine that after the first two seasons of the TV show, Hannah Montana, he felt things changing:

“The business was driving a wedge between us,” he says. “How many interviews did I give and say, ‘You know what’s important between me and Miley is I try to be a friend to my kids’? I said it a lot. And sometimes I would even read other parents might say, ‘You don’t need to be a friend, you need to be a parent.’ Well, I’m the first guy to say to them right now: You were right. I should have been a better parent. I should have said, ‘Enough is enough—it’s getting dangerous and somebody’s going to get hurt.’ I should have, but I didn’t. Honestly, I didn’t know the ball was out of bounds until it was way up in the stands somewhere.”

Lesson 1: A parent needs to discipline his/her children. A parent cannot and must not try to be his child’s friend or best friend. A parent’s role is not to seek the approval of his child but rather to do all that is necessary to help the child realize his or her full potential. And yes, that involves setting boundaries and instilling discipline. A child needs to have respect and some fear of dad. The existence of a strong, grounded father is what gives the child a greater sense of security, safety and trust. In contrast to a father who is clear about the rules of the house and what is expected of each family member, clients of mine who suffer from anxiety often grew up in families where the father was an alcoholic and the child felt that he was always walking on egg shells – afraid of dad’s erratic and abusive behavior.

But Billy Ray Cyrus was more intent on being Miley’s friend than her father and he also engaged in appropriate seductiveness with his daughter in the photo shoot with Annie Liebovitz in Vanity Fair, where Miley at age 15 is wrapped in a sheet, with enough of her bare back to imply toplessness, and another photo where her head rests close to her dad’s groin.

Lesson 2: Stop being your child’s friend. Listen to my interview with friend and colleague Dr. Vicki Panaccione – Child Psychologist and founder of The Better Parenting Institute for clarification and elaboration of what is dangerous parenting, what is healthy parenting and the real role of a parent. In the enlightening and at times frightening conversation, “Stop being your child’s friend”, Dr. Vicki also warns parents about the dangers of “inappropriate seductiveness”; creating anxiety in children; seeking their children’s approval; expecting the child to fulfill the mental and emotional needs of the parent and; sharing a bed with a child.

http://patrickwanis.com/Stop_being_your_childs_friend.asp

But Billy Ray Cyrus believes that things went wrong with Miley and his family for other reasons; he blames the TV show, movie director David Lynch and believes that his family was under attack by Satan. He tells GQ magazine:

“And there, driving to work each day in the City of Angels, was this sign. ‘A physical sign. It could have easily said ‘You will now be attacked by Satan.’ ‘Entering this industry, you are now on the highway to darkness…’”

Regardless of whether or not you believe in Satan the Devil, we all have choices and Billy Ray and his wife made the choice to enter the industry and the highway to darkness knowing all too well that there would be temptation and the price of fame. And in accordance with his religious beliefs, and to avoid the pitfalls of temptation and the enticement of Satan, Billy and his family were baptized before coming out to Los Angeles.

Lesson 3: Satan the devil doesn’t make our choices. Do not put yourself in a situation that you believe will go against your beliefs, morals and values. We all have free will and it was Billy Ray Cyrus who made the choice to allow his adolescent daughter to be a part of the TV show and to move his family to Los Angeles.
Teenagers will often do stupid things – partly because their brain doesn’t fully develop until the early 20s – specifically, the Frontal Lobe. These two “lobes” play a significant role in reasoning, emotion, and judgment as well as voluntary movement. And they are often in battle with the limbic system – the part of the brain that controls our emotions. Read: my newsletter from July, 2010 “What were you thinking?” http://patrickwanis.com/blog/index.php/2010/07/07/what-were-you-thinking/

But, a father’s role is to be present to guide, direct and correct a teenager’s behavior and not to allow, contribute, condone or encourage bad and dangerous behavior such as the half-nude photos in Vanity Fair, provocative outfits on tour, pole dancing during an award show, her provocative music videos “Who owns my heart” (when she was underage) videos of her smoking a bong and so forth. Yes, Billy Ray Cyrus finally awoke to his daughter’s out-of control behavior when she was videotaped smoking Salvia from a bong which is legal in California but illegal in 15 other states, but, in the GQ magazine interview, he still fails to accept responsibility as a father:

“Every time something happened in Miley’s career…every time the train went off the track…every time they’d put me… ‘Somebody’s shooting at Miley! Put the old man up there!’” Billy Ray Cyrus tells GQ that he took the public’s slings and arrows “because I’m her daddy, and that’s what daddies do. ‘Okay, nail me to the cross, I’ll take it….’ ”

Lesson 4: Accept responsibility and accountability. It is the father’s role to take the necessary action as the behavior is occurring and thus to do the best to prevent it from spiraling and worsening. Billy didn’t do that as evidenced by the photo shoot in Vanity Fair for which he was present and a participant. Billy Ray Cyrus, an advisory board member of the Parents Television Council, also went against the Council’s condemnation of the Glee photo shoot who stated that it ‘borders on pedophilia’; Billy Ray Cyrus he condoned it and yet those photos don’t seem to fit in line with his religious beliefs or fears of the darkness of Hollywood.

Read the article from October 2010, “Sexualization of school-aged girls harms women of all ages, expert says”:

http://patrickwanis.com/blog/index.php/2010/10/25/sexualization-of-school-aged-girls-harms-women-of-all-ages-expert-says/

But is Miley Cyrus’ behavior truly self-destructive or is it just a typical teenage phase?

“I’m scared for her,” Billy Ray admits. “She’s got a lot of people around her that’s putting her in a great deal of danger. I know she’s 18, but I still feel like as her daddy I’d like to try to help. Take care of her just a little bit, to at least get her out of danger. I want to get her sheltered from the storm.”

Unfortunately, Billy Ray Cyrus forgets that it was he that took her down the highway of darkness – where she is now surrounded by people who are putting her in real danger; and with a broken relationship with mom and dad, Miley is really on her own in the storm.

Lesson 5: Put your marriage and family first. It is easy to get caught up in the struggle for fame & success for yourself and your daughter and as such, it can take draw all of your energy away from the priority – your marriage and all of your children (Billy and Tish Cyrus had three underage children at the time they filed for divorce in October 2010.) If you don’t put the marriage first falsely thinking that the children come first, then it will be the children who will suffer first when the marriage fails and turns into a divorce. Read the transcript of the interview I gave to Joanie Winberg of the National Association of Divorce for Women and Children “Is your relationship suffering from the Putt Putt Syndrome?”:

http://patrickwanis.com/blog/index.php/2010/02/15/is-your-relationship-suffering-from-the-putt-putt-syndrome/

Lesson 6: There’s a price for anything and everything; maintain your integrity. Hollywood is not for everyone, particularly not for those who believe it is run by the devil. Decide and be clear about what is important to you and place that first, above everything else, keeping in mind that for everything there is a price (an exchange); Miley and her family got more fame and fortune but paid for it with divorce, a broken family and maybe an estranged daughter. And now Billy Ray Cyrus sits in his Tennessee mansion wishing he could give it all back to get his family in return.

You can comment on this newsletter by going to www.patrickwanis.com/blog or directly to this article:

http://patrickwanis.com/blog/index.php/2011/02/16/mileys-dad-big-mistakes-bad-parenting/

If you have received this newsletter as a forward and would like to receive all of my newsletters please enter your email address on the home page at PatrickWanis.com.

I wish you the best and remind you “Believe in yourself -You deserve the best!”

Patrick Wanis Ph.D.

Celebrity Life Coach, Human Behavior & Relationship Expert & Clinical Hypnotherapist
www.patrickwanis.com

First a quick update:

****  How to enjoy The Holidays – Read my article on my blog from December 2009, where I reveal simple steps to help you enjoy the Holidays:
http://patrickwanis.com/blog/index.php/2009/12/02/how-to-enjoy-the-holidays/

****  Cheating – Why men, women, politicians and pastors cheat – Read the press release on my blog with my insights into the different reasons men and women cheat and whether or not Facebook is to blame for cheating:
http://patrickwanis.com/blog/index.php/2010/11/22/cheating-why-men-women-politicians-pastors-cheat/

Now, let’s talk about appreciation and gratitude, and how you can shift from resentment to thankfulness.

The dictionary defines being grateful as “warmly or deeply appreciative of kindness or benefits received; thankful, pleasing to the mind or senses; agreeable or welcome; refreshing.” 

The dictionary defines appreciation as: “gratitude; thankful recognition; the act of estimating the qualities of things and giving them their proper value.”

Around this time of the year, Thanksgiving and The Holidays, we are encouraged to list the things for which we can be thankful.

In former newsletters, “Giving thanks” and “Appreciation” I have revealed some of the things that can block you from being able to express gratitude to the people in your life and block you from being thankful for things in your life. I identified entitlement as a block to giving thanks http://patrickwanis.com/blog/index.php/2007/11/20/giving-thanks/ and I indentified fear as a block to being appreciative – the fear of giving too much power to that person in your life; afraid that if you were to express appreciation you might become vulnerable or that person might dominate or take you for granted (some people try to control others by criticizing and condemning): http://patrickwanis.com/blog/index.php/2007/07/17/appreciation/

However, there is another major block to appreciation and gratitude – resentment.

Resentment is “Indignation or ill will felt as a result of a real or imagined grievance.” In other words, resentment is that bad, hostile or evil feeling towards someone whom you believe wronged you.

Resentment often comes from expectations; we expected someone to do something or not do something; to be something or to give us something.

You can read more about overcoming resentment in my newsletter from June 2010:
http://patrickwanis.com/blog/index.php/2010/06/23/overcoming-resentment/

Resentment is the opposite of appreciation.

George is 29. He grew up in a very poor family and surroundings. His parents divorced when he was just six and he was left to look after his mother. When his father walked out, his relatives told George, who was just age six “You are now the man of the house.” Accordingly, George grew up feeling responsible for his mother’s health, happiness and wellbeing. Instead of George’s mother nurturing him, George often felt he was nurturing her. George’s mother also never dated another man after she and her husband divorced; she remained single. And yes, in many ways, George took on the role of the de facto husband – being the male friend, confidante and a tower of strength for his mother. George’s mother reminded him often of the sacrifices she made for him. George remained bitter and resentful. He resented that he had to be the man of the house and that he was never truly allowed to be a child.  (Listen to my conversation and interview with Dr. Vicki Panaccione Child Psychologist and founder of The Better Parenting Institute to learn more about the dangers of when a single mother gives to her young child the role of the man of the house: http://patrickwanis.com/RadioInterviews.asp#StopChildFriend )

George resented his mother for the sacrifices she made for him because he felt guilty and ashamed. Guilt is when we feel we have done something bad and shame is when we feel there is something wrong with us. George wasn’t aware that at a subconscious level he didn’t feel deserving of all that his mother had done for him, and he felt ashamed because subconsciously he believed he was innately the cause of the perceived suffering and sacrifices she had made for him – remaining single, never dating another man, not taking care of herself and “not having her own life.”

How could George possibly appreciate or be grateful for his mother when he was overcome with resentment?

While working with George, I was able to help him come to the realization that his mother made the choice to be single and devote and commit so much of her life to him; but why? The choices that George’s mother made were motivated by her love for him and her belief that George was special, valuable and deserving of all that she did for him. For George, the emotional freedom occurred when he shifted from feeling guilty for what his mother did for him to feeling worthy of what she did for him. When George realized she did it to express her love to him and not to punish him or control him or manipulate or make him feel guilty, then George shifted from resentment to appreciation for his mother. And yes, George did also forgive his mother for expecting him to play the role of “the man of the house” – the emotional father/man.

A similar thing occurred with Melanie who harbored resentment towards her mother and father for sending her away to camp for six weeks at a time every year for almost twelve years. Melanie was resentful because she felt abandoned, rejected and unloved by her parents. Subconsciously, she believed that her parents sent her away to a live-in-camp to get rid of her because they didn’t want her. Melanie also suffered from anxiety as an adult – often afraid that she would be rejected or abandoned in a relationship.

Melanie’s breakthrough occurred when I helped her at a subconscious level to realize all of the reasons why her parents “sent her away.” Yes, her parents may have wanted some time alone from all of the children so that they could devote some of their energies and time to each other and to their relationship, but they also had other motivations. Melanie’s parents wanted her to have the best experiences possible – to have adventures at a camp, to learn new skills and hobbies, to meet new friends and to have fun in summertime with friends. Melanie also had an “a-ha moment” when she realized that her parents worked extremely hard to be able to pay for such a costly experience every year for twelve years to cover a camp in another state. Thus, Melanie’s parents must have believed that she and her siblings were truly worthy and deserving of the sacrifices they made to offer the experience of summer camp every year for twelve years! Further, by helping Melanie to become aware of the positive experiences that she had – the skills she learned, the positive fun memories, and the new friends she made, Melanie was able to transform her perspective of the experience and was able to shift from resentment towards her parents for sending her away to gratitude and appreciation for the sacrifices they made to express their love by giving her the wonderful experience and gift of summer camp.

Finally, the release of Melanie’s anxiety also occurred when she subconsciously realized that her initial fear and anxiety of the first time she went to camp was now over and finished (the subconscious mind replays the event and has no concept that it is finished) and; in spite of the initial anxiety, Melanie had grown to love and enjoy the annual summer camps.

When we can stop and shift our perception of many of the things that occurred in our life – things that were done or not done – we can break away from our unrealistic expectations of perfection of parents and others around us – and shift to gratitude for the good things they did – also subconsciously awakening to the fact that we are worthy, we are good enough, we are deserving of the very best. (Listen to the interview I gave to Jim Peake of MySuccessGateway.com about the Law of Deservedness http://patrickwanis.com/Law_of_Deservedness.asp)

Blessing to you and thank you for supporting me in my mission to reach and help others – and yes, that’s you!

You can comment on this newsletter by going to www.patrickwanis.com/blog  or directly to this article:

http://patrickwanis.com/blog/index.php/2010/11/24/turning-resentment-into-gratitude/
If you have received this newsletter as a forward and would like to receive all of my newsletters please enter your email address on the home page at PatrickWanis.com.

I wish you the best and remind you “Believe in yourself -You deserve the best!”

Patrick Wanis Ph.D.

Celebrity Life Coach, Human Behavior & Relationship Expert & Clinical Hypnotherapist
www.patrickwanis.com

First a quick update:

****  “The three most dangerous mistakes coaches and therapists make” – Listen to the interview I gave to The Coaching Show with hosts Christopher McAuliffe, MCC and Tara Padua Wise CPC about the three major mistakes made by coaches, therapists, counselors, psychologists and psychiatrists. I also reveal and explain how these mistakes can seriously harm and damage clients as well as the coach’s business. Click here: http://patrickwanis.com/3_Dangerous_Mistakes.asp

****  “Jesse James still doesn’t get it” – Jesse James says he is now deeply sorry, that he wanted to get caught and he threw away a good thing – his marriage to Sandra Bullock but Jesse James also didn’t believe that he deserved such a good thing and had no control over his compulsive desires http://patrickwanis.com/blog/index.php/2010/05/25/jesse-james-still-doesnt-get-it/

Now, let’s talk about your level of emotional intelligence and ways to raise it; how emotionally smart are you?

In last week’s Success Newsletter, I discussed emotional intelligence and its significance & relevance to your success and enjoyment of life http://patrickwanis.com/blog/index.php/2010/05/19/emotional-intelligence/ Emotional intelligence is best summed up as your ability to be aware of what you feel and to master your ability to control what you feel so that you can get along with other people. Another key component of emotional intelligence is your ability to express your emotions, perceive and evaluate the emotions of others, and to express empathy and compassion for others.

Here is a simple quiz I have created that will help you to determine how emotionally intelligent you are. Simply respond with a “Yes” or “No” to each of the questions below.

Emotional Intelligence Quiz (Emotional IQ Test)

Generally speaking and most of the time:

1.    Do you stay relaxed and composed under pressure?

2.    Can you pinpoint why you are upset when you become upset?

3.    Do you feel uncomfortable or become anxious in emotionally charged situations?

4.    Can you clearly distinguish between when to avoid confrontation and when to stand up and speak up for yourself or a cause?

5.    Do you believe that there are two sides to every question and do you try to look at them both?   

6.    Do you find it easy to see things from the “other person’s” point of view?

7.    Can you identify negative feelings without beating yourself up? 

8.    Do you openly and freely admit making mistakes?

9.    Do you openly and freely communicate your feelings and needs?

10.  Are you generally aware of how each person in your group of friends feels about the other people in the group?

11.  Do you attempt to understand your friends and family by imagining how things appear from their perspective?  

12.  Before criticizing somebody, do you try to imagine how you would feel if you were in their shoes? 

13.  Are you aware of how your behavior and actions impact and affect others?

14.  When you see someone being treated unfairly or suffering, do you feel compassion or empathy for them?

15.  Can you accept feedback or criticism without becoming defensive or highly emotional?

16.  Are you able to identify your strengths & weaknesses and those things that you need to change and still like yourself?

17.  Do you sincerely listen to other people, even if you believe that they are wrong in their arguments or beliefs?

18.  Do you feel protective towards someone you see being treated unfairly or being taken advantage of?

19.  Are you able to identify and control times when you feel jealous, angry, guilty or ashamed?

20.   Are you able to maintain self-control and self-discipline and thus delay gratification?

The above is not a scientific test but rather a simple gauge of your level of emotional intelligence. The ideal response would be to answer ‘yes’ to every question. If you answered ‘yes’ to less than ten questions then your emotions strongly rule you; if you answered ‘yes’ to fifteen or more questions then you are well in control of your emotions and have high emotional intelligence.

Question number 20 is an interesting gauge of whether or not you can control your impulses. Robert Kiyosaki author of “Rich Dad, poor dad” says that “the ability to delay gratification is a sign of higher emotional intelligence. People who can delay gratification often lead more successful lives than those who cannot.” And in his book, “Cashflow Quadrant”, Robert Kiyosaki says “Emotional IQ is more powerful than academic IQ…and financial IQ is 90% emotional IQ.”
The key point here is that when you can properly express your emotions and control your emotions rather than the other way around, then you have greater control, satisfaction and joy in your life. Our emotions also affect our ability to make money; click here to watch the interview I gave http://patrickwanis.com/lod1/ )

Also, a study conducted in London last year with 2,000 women, found that women who were emotionally intelligent – most in touch with their feelings – experienced better S lives. Read the study here: http://patrickwanis.com/blog/index.php/2010/05/26/emotionally-intelligent-women-have-more-orgasms/

How to become more emotionally intelligent

There are 3 key steps to raising your level of emotional intelligence:

1. Become aware of your emotions
2. Learn to manage & control your emotions; release negative emotions
3. Become aware and considerate of other people’s feelings; learn compassion

How to become aware of what you are feeling

Many women often complain that men have no idea of what they feel and it is true that generally speaking we men tend to think simply in terms of joy and anger; we often do not understand that our anger and irritability mask deeper feelings of failure, guilt, sadness, shame, blame, resentment, loss, helplessness, etc. We often think that someone outside of us is causing our reaction. The key is to stop and observe your emotion and identify it by asking repeatedly “What am I feeling?”

How to learn to manage and control your emotions

Awareness is the first step to all change. Once you know what you feel (anger, sadness, guilt, revenge, etc) then you can ask yourself “Why am I feeling this anger/guilt/etc? From where does this feeling come? When did I fist experience this feeling? Who taught me to act this way? What do I really want here?” The last question is the most powerful and revealing question.

How to release negative emotions

Most of our negative emotions are directed inwards (at ourselves) or outwards (at someone else.) Sometimes we don’t know to whom or to what to direct our anger and thus we become either easily triggered with explosive anger or we become deeply frustrated or depressed. For example, I have worked with clients who have experienced the loss of a loved one and only when we went deeper were we able to determine their real feelings: in one case, a lady was angry at God because she felt God had taken her husband but she was afraid to express those feelings; in another case, a man was frustrated and angry at the world for losing his job but he logically knew that being angry at the world was pointless and what he really felt was helplessness; and in another case, a man was angry at himself for the death of his daughter’s pet – he felt guilty that he didn’t respond to his daughter’s beckoning for action over her sick pet.

Of course, each situation is unique but generally speaking the process to releasing negative emotions is to

1. Identify the emotion and accompanying thought and belief
2. Accept that you have those emotions and beliefs (no matter how horrible they may seem)
3. Seek deeper understanding about why “it” happened and move to forgiveness and compassion for yourself and others

How to become aware and considerate of other people’s feelings and learn compassion

When we stop and imagine what it feel like to be in someone else’s shoes or situation can we begin to become aware of what other people are experiencing. Compassion is when you feel the other person’s pain and try to relieve it. If no one ever did that for you then there is a good chance that you don’t know how to express compassion to others. Taking care of injured animals or adopting a pet from a shelter are two simple ways to learn compassion and to understand that that all living beings exist for their own reasons, not for our benefit as a superior species. A third way is to drop the walls and become aware of how deep your own pain is and then realize that many other people feel and suffer from the very same pain.

If you would like to comment on this newsletter, go to www.patrickwanis.com/blog   if you have received this newsletter as a forward and would like to receive all of my newsletters please enter your email address on the home page at PatrickWanis.com.

I wish you the best and remind you “Believe in yourself -You deserve the best!”

Patrick Wanis Ph.D.
Celebrity Life Coach, Human Behavior & Relationship Expert & Clinical Hypnotherapist
www.patrickwanis.com

In this week’s Success Newsletter, I would like to reveal the signs and secret to spotting a liar; how to know if he or she is lying to you.

First a quick update:

**** How to connect with anyone – Watch the two-part TV interview I gave to The Morning Show WSFL about the ways we communicate and the techniques and strategies to build instant rapport and connect with anyone. http://patrickwanis.com/Videos.asp

**** Valentine’s Day and personality test – Wondering if your Valentine is the right one? Take the personality test and find out if you are perfectly matched, truly mismatched and which is the most suitable personality type for you: http://patrickwanis.com/WhoAreYouPersonalityTest.asp

Now, let’s talk about how to tell when someone is lying.

Diogenes was a social critic and philosopher who lived in ancient Greece and chose to give up possessions and instead to live in poverty. Diogenes was a cynic; possibly the father of cynicism. Diogenes was famous for lighting a lantern in broad daylight and walking through the streets of Athens waving his lantern and exclaiming that he was looking for an “honest man”.

Diogenes’ cynicism and his search for an “honest man” would be just as appropriate today, if not more, than it was centuries ago. Former Senator John Edwards is one such example. Senator Edwards lied about having an affair and then he lied a second time when he said he was not the father of the unborn child of his mistress Reille Hunter.

But was it obvious that John Edward’s denials were lies? What were the signs that screamed that he was lying? I will answer that in a moment. But first, here are some interesting statistics about lying:

* 42% of adults think it’s OK to lie sometimes

* Only 54% of lies are accurately detected

* 37% of adults think it’s OK to lie about your age

* 2/3 of adults think it is OK to lie sometime to avoid hurting someone’s feelings

* 98% of teenagers lie to their parents

* 40% of parents think it’s OK to lie to their children about the trouble they got into when they were younger

* In a conversation, the average person lies 3 times every ten minutes

* 44% of adults will exaggerate when they tell a story to sound cooler (i.e. be accepted)

* University students lie to their mothers 50% of the time

* We lie in one-third of our conversations with our romantic partners

* We tell the most serious lies to the people we care about the most

We have grown to become cynical when we speak of politicians and honesty. And yet from the statistics above, it is obvious that we all lie. Scientists claim that by the age of four we have all learned to lie. Why do we lie? To protect ourselves and others, to protect others’ feelings, and to get what we want and need – whether or not that is something tangible or intangible such as approval, love, acceptance, validation, and so forth.

As I have written the in past, I believe it is best to speak your truth with compassion and even avoid the white lies:

“Are you coming out with me Mary?”

“Oh, I can’t come out because I am busy John…”

But maybe, if you had no fear, you would have said “I am choosing not to go out with you John!”

So what are the signs of lying?

There are seven universal emotions that are easily recognizable on people’s faces regardless of their culture, age or background:

1. Anger
2. Contempt
3. Fear
4. Disgust
5. Happiness
6. Sadness
7. Surprise

Whenever we experience an emotion, it is reflected in the expression on our face i.e. our brain sends a signal to the muscles in our face. Some of those expressions are very small – known as “micro-expressions” and last a fleeting moment. Many of us have tried, at one time or another, to hide the way we feel, and as such, we might try to change the expression by forcing a smile or grinning. However, we cannot hide our involuntary micro-expressions.

I have explained before that 57% of all of our communication is done non-verbally (body language – facial expressions, etc.); 36% is the tonality of our voice and only 7% is the actual content – the words. Thus, our body language is the reliable source of what we really intend to say, and not our words. We can speak the words but actually intend a completely different meaning or simply be lying.

For example, when we feel sad or defeated – it is first reflected in our face and the stoop of our body and then in the way we speak. Powerful emotions are hard to hide or disguise. And incidentally, sadness is the most difficult expression to fake. Sometimes, we can try and change the way we feel by changing our posture and body language. However, something interesting happens when we lie, our body automatically expresses the real emotion or the truth: we try to consciously lie and override the truth but our subconscious mind overrides the lie and expresses the truth in our body language.

So for example, if someone tells a lie, they will unknowingly and involuntarily do something else with their body, cough, curl their mouth, wrinkle their nose, touch their nose, and so forth. These are signs that there is also involuntary guilt, shame, regret or some other suppressed emotion. It is as if the brain is rebelling against the lie and it is doing so via the body.

The key to determining if there is deception or truth is to look for congruency – when a person tells the truth or something they believe to be the truth, their body, voice and words match – all three are in sync.

Let’s look at some of the key signs that tell you that someone is lying; When a person is lying or engaging in deceit, regardless of their gender, they will:

* Nod their head in a manner opposite to what they are verbally saying (nodding yes but saying no)

* Use their fingers to block their mouth almost immediately after they have spoken their words

* Claim innocence but then gaze down (as if in shame or guilt)

* Touch or rub their nose or eyes or pull on their ear lobe

* Blink their eyes at an extremely fast rate

* Cough

* Curl their mouth or wrinkle their nose

* Fidget with their feet or kick out with their feet

* Their pupils dilate due to increased tension, excitement or concentration

* Never answer the actual question; instead they deflect or ask another question

* Try to change the subject and relax or become happier when the subject is changed

* Respond with deliberate, carefully delivered answers

* Respond very quickly (if they have had a chance to rehearse their answer)

* Respond very slowly if they are caught by surprise

* Less hand gestures that are usually used to illustrate a speech or point (when you choose your words carefully, your hand movements go down or decrease)

* Shift their gaze and won’t look you in the eyes or if they are brazen liars they stare you in the eyes for far too long

* Fake a smile in an attempt to deceive (a real smile reveals the teeth and crinkles the corners of the eyes, almost showing ‘crow’s feet’)

* Put their hands in their pockets (a gesture that indicates the desire to hide something or escape)

It’s also important to note here that the above signs to do not apply to a person that really believes their own lie, because they will be acting subconsciously as if they are telling the truth and as such, their body language will reflect that they are telling the truth.

Scientists and other research psychologists will also tell you that there is not one single way to determine if a person is lying, but I disagree. With the exception of those people who believe their own lies, you can tell when someone is lying by listening to your own intuition, by following your gut. When something doesn’t feel right, it almost always is not.

Pamela Meyer is the author of the book “Liespotting” and is a Certified Fraud Examiner and Harvard MBA. Meyer claims that research reveals that:

* Extroverts lie more than introverts

*  Men tell more “self-oriented” lies (lies to protect their own feelings)

*  Women tell more “other-oriented” lies than men (lies to protect someone else’s feelings)

*  Married people lie less frequently to their partners than unmarried people do

* When married people tell lies to their partners, the lies tend to be grand and significant lies

* People feel less guilty when lying to someone who they perceive as a wrongdoer

Finally, I said I would reveal the signs that John Edwards was lying from the beginning about his affair and the child to his mistress. Of course, if you refer to the signs of lying that I revealed above, then the answers are also obvious. If you watch the interview John Edwards gave to Nightline, he says. “I would welcome participating in a paternity test, be happy to participate in one…happy to take a paternity test…” Every time he uses those words, his head nods the opposite way, thus revealing he doesn’t want the test.

If you would like to comment on this newsletter, go to www.patrickwanis.com/blog if you have received this newsletter as a forward and would like to receive all of my newsletters please enter your email address on the home page at PatrickWanis.com.

I wish you the best and remind you “Believe in yourself -You deserve the best!”

Patrick Wanis Ph.D.
Celebrity Life Coach, Human Behavior & Relationship Expert & Clinical Hypnotherapist
www.patrickwanis.com

First a quick update:

ü  Valentine’s Day and personality test – Wondering if your Valentine is the right one? Take the personality test and find out if you are perfectly matched, truly mismatched and which is the most suitable personality type for you: http://patrickwanis.com/WhoAreYouPersonalityTest.asp

ü  Helping the helpers – As my way of helping with the Haiti devastation, I have created two special audio programs to help in dealing with fear, anxiety, stress and trauma. By special request, I have designed these audio programs particularly for volunteers, workers, friends and family of people in Haiti who are also experiencing extreme challenges and stress. Of course, anyone can use them to neutralize fear, anxiety and bad memories. I am giving them away. Please help by also spreading the word and forwarding this link. www.patrickwanis.com/Haiti

Now, let’s talk about the tragedy of Haiti and ways to deal with it as well as grief and loss in general.

It is truly hard to imagine the real pain and suffering that the people of Haiti are experiencing right now, particularly in light of the second 6.1 magnitude aftershock this morning. And it is a challenge to escape the traumatic images that fill the radio, Television and internet.

It is also a common reaction that we begin almost immediately asking “Why did a tragedy and disaster of such a magnitude occur? Why did it happen?”

The US Televangelist Pat Robertson shocked and offended many people when he claimed that the earthquake was the result of Haitians forming a pact with the devil to liberate Haiti from France 200 years ago.

We need to be careful about asking why such tragedies occur and instead focus on the solution to what has happened. It’s often our fear and anxiety that drive us to seek a reason for this tragedy or even someone to blame, hoping that we can understand what happened, find meaning and possibly protect ourselves in the future. In other words, we seek ways to feel safe, and we believe that if we can explain the tragedy then we can reassure ourselves that we are safe. But when we turn to extreme answers for the cause of tragedies it is easy to make all sorts of wild assertions, even blaming the victims. For if we follow Pat Robertson’s assertion and logic, then he would also ask us to believe that the more than 3,000 victims of 9/11 attacks, the 400,000 people killed in Darfur and the six million Jews that died in the Holocaust must have brought it upon themselves. This dangerous line of thinking results in the wiping out of human compassion and the desire to help those in need. Compassion, love and concrete support & help are the things that we need to focus on – the solution to the massive pain and suffering; the solution to the struggle for survival in Haiti.

In an interview with a reporter, I explained that people everywhere feel the pain and loss of the tragedy of Haiti because the world is so much more closely connected than ever before via technology – internet, skyping, Facebook and so forth.

There are many people here in the US who have family or friends in Haiti. One of them, my client, reached out to me for help, and of course, she like many survivors and friends of survivors experience various emotional responses to the loss and devastation:

1. Survival guilt (“Why them and not me?”)
2. Fear and uncertainty
3. Emotional overwhelm due to conflicting emotions and thoughts
4. Helplessness and powerlessness for not being able to change the situation or control it and for being/feeling disconnected from community
5. A sense of loss of control
6. Anger and despair over the loss and devastation
7. Desire to be strong for others
8. Trauma and shock from seeing and internalizing images of pain and suffering
9. Physical aliments
10. Inability to experience any joy due to guilt (“I must suffer because my family and others have and are suffering.”)

Here is some of the advice that I gave to my client that anyone can apply to move quickly through the grieving process and to find peace amidst a whirl of anxiety and uncertainty:

:

ü  Write out a list of what you can and cannot control (this eases anxiety)

ü  Take action to control what you can

ü  Relax by accepting that there is always a sense of uncertainty and ambiguity

ü  Take action to feel connected to your community (giving, donating, corresponding, etc)

ü  Establish supportive people around you

ü  Ensure that you have at least one person that you truly trust and that you can feel emotionally intimate enough with to talk about anything on our mind

ü  Let go of the Survival Guilt or guilt that you are having a good time (i.e. stop feeling bad when you feel good); What would your friends and family want you to be doing now that they are gone – suffering or enjoying life? Stop asking “Why them and not me?” and understand it’s not your fault; there is no need for self-punishment;

ü  Become aware of the extent that the grieving is taking over your life and instead, organize your grief and give yourself a break (allow set time for yourself to grieve and honor those that you have lost, and enjoy your life at the same time)

ü  Take care of yourself by getting enough sleep & rest and, eating regularly and well

ü  Keep your mind connected to day to day current reality; stay in touch with reality and current events;

ü  Have a sense of goals for the future; find new meaning and purpose

ü  Take action to make a difference

Learning to handle survival guilt and thus releasing yourself from that prison is critical. In September, 2008, a small plane crash in South Carolina killed four people but left its two survivors, DJ AM (Adam Goldstein) and Travis Barker (from the band Blink 182), with deep guilt. And it’s believed that it was that survival guilt that overtook DJ AM and eventually led to his death after an overdose. 

The paradox is that while we must learn to accept the uncertainty of the future, we must also take action to control what we can and to give our lives meaning. In other words: taking action to help survivors. My client began donating her time to the Red Cross and getting heavily involved with the Haiti relief telethon with her friend Wyclef Jean and George Clooney.

She also told me that she was struggling to be strong, particularly when she was receiving conflicting messages from survivors in Haiti about some of her friends and whether or not they had survived. “Who told you that you must be strong?” I asked her. “And what does it mean to be strong?”

Most of us confuse a lack of emotion, coldness and aloofness for strength. The truth is that strength is about being able to give people the help that they need. “Your friends and family who have experienced extreme trauma and those that lost loved ones need your support, acceptance and understanding. They need you to listen and express empathy and compassion. And if you feel their pain, and you cry, that is OK. Make it OK.”

For the rest of us, many of the same principles and advice apply. How can we help? What action can we take to know that we are making a difference, that we are connected as human beings to the people suffering in Haiti?

We can give to Haiti and its people, in whatever way we can (time, talent, gifts, donations) and we can express gratitude for what we have; our problems generally become insignificant when compared to the tragedies in Haiti where people struggle to find food, water and shelter, and are surrounded by dead bodies of friends and family.

Remember, too, if you are highly sensitive, then avoid over exposure to the images of pain and suffering. The best thing anyone can do is to focus on helping rather than wallowing in the pain or misery. Our collective action is a message for the people of Haiti to hold onto hope – help is on its way, people around the world do care, we feel your pain, we are all giving.

I have created two special audio programs to help people neutralize fear, anxiety and trauma – and these programs are particularly critical and helpful for people who are workers and volunteers helping Haiti and for the friends and family of people in Haiti. I am giving away these audio programs as my way of helping, and you can download them instantly at www.patrickwanis.com/Haiti and please help and forward this link to anyone who might benefit from my audio programs.  

If you would like to comment on this newsletter, go to www.patrickwanis.com/blog   if you have received this newsletter as a forward and would like to receive all of my newsletters please enter your email address on the home page at PatrickWanis.com.

I wish you the best and remind you “Believe in yourself -You deserve the best!”

Patrick Wanis Ph.D.
Celebrity Life Coach, Human Behavior & Relationship Expert & Clinical Hypnotherapist
www.patrickwanis.com

First a quick update:

• Last chance: There’s only five left – If you are ready to “unlearn” all of the negative programming and change the way you feel, then this is for you. I am offering this to only 100 of my subscribers and now there are only five left, so hurry  www.patrickwanis.com/emotionalfreedom

• Top Ten Celebrity Meltdowns 2009: It’s my third annual list which comes with insights and lessons that we can garner from each of the events. For example, did you know that Chris Brown who assaulted his girlfriend Rihanna, had an abusive stepfather who used to beat his mother? And did you know Chris had expressed resentment towards his stepfather, saying “I hate him to this day”, and even threatened to kill him with a baseball bat one day? And yet Chris Brown ended up copying his father’s behavior, something characteristic of patterns of domestic violence. Read more: http://patrickwanis.com/blog/index.php/2009/12/21/the-top-10-celebrity-meltdowns-of-2009/

Now, let’s talk about The Holidays and giving it away.

This is the season when we are encouraged to give gifts; when we are bombarded with all sorts of suggestions and advertising such as “the gift for the man/woman who has everything” etc.

Of course, no one really has “everything” but more to the point, what is it that you want?

What is that one special gift that would be so extraordinary that it would make a real difference in your life?

You might mention something tangible and specific; maybe you have already made your list and it might be the latest model of some product or maybe it’s a job, a promotion, health, love or a special vacation.

I believe that the most special gift one can receive is that gift that no currency can buy but gives you inner peace or lightens your load and relieves you of pain, frustration and self-doubt; the gift that results in healing.

For each person, that gift is different: maybe making up with an old friend, hearing something specific from someone that matters in your life, getting over a loss or a breakup, etc.

There is a very old song, “Magic Penny” (also known as “Love is something”) that speaks about giving:

“Love is something if you give it away,
Give it away, give it away.
Love is something if you give it away,
You end up having more.”

Master Choa Kok Sui, modern founder of Pranic Healing said:

“Whatever you want, that is what you give…. If you want love, you have to give love. You have to be like a sun, constantly radiating. It is up to the other person whether they want to have a sun bath…. If you want to be rich, give money… if you want to master a subject, teach it.”

But to say “If you want love, you have to give love” is very broad and possibly even vague, and therefore not necessarily easily applied.

So what is love for you and what is it that you want?

I would like to use my own example.

Recently, I made a trip to Australia to attend my youngest brother’s wedding and spend time with my other brothers and my nieces and nephews.

While we all know that it is family that will push our buttons and trigger our pain, insecurities, resentments, guilt, blame, shame, etc., we often do not know what it is that we truly seek or desire at a deeper, subconscious level. For me, the answer was revealed during a heated discussion with my mother when I came to the realization that we were both seeking each other’s approval and validation. My mother wanted me to tell her that I was proud of her and I wanted her to tell me that she was proud of me. Of course, the irony is that I was never consciously aware of this and at the very least, felt that I didn’t need nor desire anyone’s approval or validation, least of all, my parents. I was also not consciously aware that I was harboring resentment for what I had not received.

Of course, it should have been more obvious to me, based on my work and experience as a human behavior expert and coach, but as I also say, “We teach the things we need to learn.” So here was I, an adult and professional, still wanting something that quite simply I never received as a child. And this is what happens with almost all of us; as adults we are still screaming inside for the things we didn’t get as children.

And we often mislead ourselves into thinking that if we scream loud enough and long enough that then and only then will we be able to get what we didn’t get as child. In other words, we think that if we shout and scream or push and shove we can make the other person change and we can get what we want.

But that is not true; we cannot change anyone else and we cannot force anyone else to change.

There is only one real path to freedom: to release the expectation & judgment and give yourself that which you wanted. For me, it was time to let go of the expectation that my mother should express and verbalize to me her pride of me, understanding why she was not able to do this (and that that had nothing to do with me, not caused by me), forgive and accept her as she is, and find my own approval and praise from within.

So, how does this relate to “giving it away”?

As we let go of the expectation, we are able to give away openly and freely the very thing we long for.

In other words, while I held onto the expectation that my mother should be a certain way, I was creating resentment which shut me down, making it impossible to recognize the achievements in others and making it impossible for me to express my pride of their achievements. And so, it is also true, that if you cannot celebrate someone else’s success, you cannot celebrate your own success.

When I was able to accept my own pain and disappointment, and then accept my mother, releasing the old expectations, I no longer felt that burning torturous desperation for approval and validation: I wrote a thank you card to my mother, stating that I was proud of her achievements.

I smiled as I slipped the card under her front door and then turned around and got in the car to head off to the airport and return to the US. There was a feeling of having been set free, of the chains being plied open.

Now I realized how empowering it is to give away what you want…

Finally, I would like to close with a few quotes from Mother Teresa about some of the things we all need and cry out for and which serve as a great gift list:

*** “The most terrible poverty is loneliness and the feeling of being unloved.

*** The biggest disease today is not leprosy or tuberculosis, but rather the feeling of being unwanted.

*** There is more hunger in the world for love and appreciation in this world than for bread.”

Happy Holidays and Happy Giving!

If you would like to comment on this newsletter, go to www.patrickwanis.com/blog   if you have received this newsletter as a forward and would like to receive all of my newsletters please enter your email address on the home page at PatrickWanis.com.

I wish you the best and remind you “Believe in yourself -You deserve the best!”

Patrick Wanis Ph.D.
Celebrity Life Coach, Human Behavior & Relationship Expert & Clinical Hypnotherapist
www.patrickwanis.com

Good Morning on the WFTL Morning News. Now here’s your host, Russ Morley.

Russ:                          We’re talking about Jason Rodriguez who opened fire in that Orlando office building on Friday killing one, wounding five others. That was Buddy Dyer, the Mayor of Orlando and after that Val Demings, she’s Orlando’s Police Chief commenting on the situation, but it makes you stop and wonder: could this happen at your office building on Broward Boulevard or Westin or Coral Springs? What would it take to have somebody snap like that and on the heels of the shooting at Fort Hood which, I think are pretty much unrelated, but could that have been the thing that triggered Jason Rodriguez to start pulling the trigger?  Joining us this morning is a guy I think we ought to hang up a shingle for at the radio station; we’ve been talking to him so frequently about things like this, Dr. Patrick Wanis, celebrity life coach and human behavior expert out of Miami.  Good morning Doc.

Dr. Patrick Wanis     Good morning Russ. 

Russ:                          What do you think? There was some talk about this on Friday that maybe the Fort Hood shooting, you know, kind of set the bar for this Jason Rodriguez in Orlando. Is that a possibility?  Could that have set him off a little?

Dr. Patrick Wanis     I don’t think there’s a link in that sense. I think there are similarities in some aspects of the profile of a mass murderer, yes.  The government is overseeing and doing a lot of deep exploration and research into the background of the Major [Nidal Hassan] who is the subject of the killings in Fort Hood to find out if he was an Islam extremist and they are not really coming up with anything that points him out to be other than some comments that he made, but his profile and behavior is completely contradictory because in one sense, it’s believed he is a devout Muslim but then it is said that he also frequented a strip club; he used to talk to his next door neighbor who is a Christian, about God; he was very generous to people, he was very kind. So this is not the typical person that fits the profile of a terrorist; plus you also have to consider that he was an Army psychiatrist for six years.  So you have to question, “What was the timing?”  Why was it now?  And I think it was more a case of, as I pointed out in our interview last week, that he didn’t want to go to war, he didn’t want to be deployed, he was against the war, he had no support, he was criticized and persecuted both for his ethnicity and for his religion; he tended to be an outsider and outcast.

                                    Now with Jason Rodriguez, the Orlando shooter, we have something very similar, but it took him two years to go in and decide to shoot these people; meaning that he had been fired or let go of two years before.  I think you’re going to see a lot more cases like this, Russ; of people who are down and out, who are in a sense, in a situation where they feel hopeless, they feel resentful, they feel angry, they have grievances against people, particularly if it’s the work, the form of workplace, and then they take it out on those people.  This is not a completely isolated situation.  I think the reason you’re going to see more of this is partly because we’ve all become accustomed to living this high life – off of credit;  credit for house, credit for car, credit for our possessions. And then suddenly we lose all of that and now we lose our job on top of that and now we have nothing and people just don’t know how to deal with it. You know, the story was that in the depression people would jump off buildings. Well today our version is: we go and kill people rather than kill ourselves. And I just think that this is something that the government has to spend a lot more time dealing with.

Russ:                          In the case of Jason Rodriguez, all the victims worked at the firm of Reynolds, Smith and Hills where he had worked as an entry level engineer for 11 months before he was let go in June of 2007. Like you said it took two years for him to get enough anger built up to go back and hit those people. He had been working and had gotten fired there at a Subway sandwich shop and I guess from what I heard over the weekend he had attempted to ram his car into the Subway sandwich shop but those big concrete pillars in front of the shop saved employees there from getting hurt so this guy obviously was a loose cannon.

Dr. Patrick Wanis:    Yes, and you can’t always tell immediately because again it may have taken two years. And yes, what I said a moment ago that the government needs to do something about it, the U.S. Department of Justice and the FBI has combined forces to put together a special document and strategy to deal with violence in the workplace and some of the things that they identified was to become aware of elements in the culture that might appear to foster a toxic climate. That means if there’s a tolerance of bullying or intimidation; if there’s a lack of trust among the workers and between the workers and management; if there’s high levels of stress, frustration and anger, poor communication, inconsistent discipline, etc.  But even then there’s no way to fully 100% prevent an incident such as that with Jason [Rodriguez].

Russ:                          What do you do if you’re an HR manager and you’ve had employees come to you, you’ve had mid-level managers come to you and say, “I’ve got a real problem here.  I’m worried about this guy or this gal.  I think they’re going to go off the deep end.”  What can they do, I mean legally they can’t force them to get into counseling, can they?  They can call them in and have a little chat with them but what would you suggest to somebody who’s in a position like that?

Dr. Patrick Wanis:    Well I think HR has two options.  One, bring in an expert for threat assessment, and number two, if you really have concerns about a person being potentially violent then you do want to contact the authorities; you do want to bring notice to the police. I think you would also speak with that person but also let the police be aware that you have concerns because sometimes even the background checks may not be current, you may not be aware of things that he went through. As an HR person you have to be aware of what is happening in this person’s life outside.  When I teach training programs, Russ, one of the key things I teach is, do not be confused into thinking there is a difference between the workplace and the home. People bring their personal problems to work.  You can’t stop that.  So you have to take an interest in what is happening in a person’s life outside the workplace. If they are having marital problems or they are having financial problems; if they are having problems with drugs of some kind or medication or prescription medication or; if they are drinking too much…you have to be aware and then you have to take some sort of action even if that begins with a discussion to see “how can we, this company, help you in your other problems outside because they will if not already, affect the workplace?” 

Russ:                          I think you said in a previous conversation as well, take a proactive stance.  If you see somebody that looks like they are struggling with something, go over if not put your arm around them at least to say, “Hey, I noticed something is a little different in your life.  What’s going on?”  Just that in and of itself may make a huge difference in their lives.

Dr. Patrick Wanis:    Open the communication and try to develop trust, friendship and companionship amongst your workers because that will help to keep you safe.

Russ:                          Dr. Patrick Wanis. His website is PatrickWanis.com.  Always good stuff on there and Dr. Wanis you’re taking off for a month, where are you going? 

Dr. Patrick Wanis:    I’m doing some work with clients in Los Angeles and I’m spending some time in Australia.  My youngest brother is getting married. So we may or may not speak from Australia, we will see.

Russ:                          All right.  Safe journey, Sir.

Dr. Patrick Wanis:    Thank you.

Russ:                          Thanks for being with us this morning on News Talk 850WFTL. High 85.  We’re at 79 right now in South Florida. 

There are many unknowns about Nidal Malik Hasan, the army psychiatrist authorities say is responsible for the worst mass killing on a U.S. military base – at Fort Hood. Most of all, his motive.

Why did Maj. Hasan go on a shooting rampage, killing fellow soldiers? Why did he kill 12 soldiers and one civilian?

The Associated Press reported:

As if going off to war, Maj. Nidal Malik Hasan cleaned out his apartment, gave leftover frozen broccoli to one neighbor and called another to thank him for his friendship — common courtesies and routines of the departing soldier. Instead, authorities say, he went on the killing spree that left 13 people dead at Fort Hood, Texas.

The 39-year-old Army psychiatrist emerged as a study in contradictions: a polite man who stewed with discontent, a counselor who needed to be counseled himself, a professional healer now suspected of cutting down the fellow soldiers he was sworn to help.

Human Behavior Expert, Patrick Wanis, Ph.D. says the motives behind the killing of 13 people by the army pyschiatrist may be clearer and more obvious than most people realize. Patrick Wanis says Maj. Nidal Malik Hasan fits the profile of a mass murderer.

Patrick Wanis reveals there are various possible contributing factors that lead to a person becoming a mass killer and says that Army Psychiatrist Hasan fits the profile of a mass murderer.

Click on the link below to download and listen to the interview Patrick Wanis Ph.D. gave to 850 WFTL’s Russ Morley or read the transcription further below. Click here for the radio interview Pyschiatrist kills 13 soldiers 

Transcription of the radio interview:

Male Speaker 1:       As we do brief counseling and as we help our soldiers and families through this, it’s going to make it more of a challenge and we’ll be requesting additional help to deal with that.

Male Speaker 2:       There was a single shooter that was shot multiple times at the scene.

Male Speaker 3:       I ordered of the flags in our state to be along the path staff until Sunday and I ask that all of you keep these families and these individuals in your prayer.

Male Speaker 4:       Female officer is alive and in stable condition. She’s believed to be the first responder who shot the suspect.

President Obama:    We will make sure that we get answers to every single question about this horrible incident.

Male Speaker 6:       Twelve dead and 31 wounded and they’re dispersed among the local hospitals here in the central Texas area.

Russ Morley:             Well, you would have had to have been living under the New River Bridge not to have heard the story 100 times since yesterday afternoon at 1:30 where Major Nidal Malik Hasan opened fire in the readiness center at Fort Hood Texas with two handguns supposedly killing now 13, wounding 30 others. As of this morning, he lies in a hospital bed in stable condition as they try to sort this whole thing out. Just saw a recent video. On the television monitor behind me, he had been spotted in a convenience store not long before the shooting wearing typical Arab garb, a long white robe at that point in time, not his military uniform. I don’t know what that means. Maybe he’s trying to make some sense of it this morning as our Human Behavior Expert out of Miami, Dr. Patrick Wanis. Dr. Wanis, what do you make of all this so far?

Patrick Wanis:          Well good morning, Russ. I don’t think that it’s that unusual if you look at all of the information we have thus far. He seems to fit the profile of a mass murderer. Now, I know that’s strange but if you listen to some of the information we have, because remember, we don’t have all the details yet but they did say that he had been taunted for being a Muslim, for his religion, possibly also for his ethnicity. He was not married so he may not have had a very good support system. It said he didn’t want to be deployed. It said that he seemed to be disillusioned with the war.

Now, put all this together, it starts to fit into the profile of a mass murderer. And I know we’ve talked about this before but it can include a possible exacerbation of aggressiveness and tendency to violence. We don’t know if he prescribed himself psychiatric medication. There’s a good chance that he has withdrawn socially because if he was being taunted, then who was his support system when he wasn’t living in his home state.

The next thing is did he develop a victim mentality or persecution complex? Was there extreme chronic stress? Yes, there was because he was treating people who were under extreme stress, being victims of the war or returning from the war. And so that would also have an effect on him because, we call that vicarious traumatization. We call that also extreme fatigue, compassion fatigue so the effect of him even helping other people would be that he would take on some of their symptoms, so that would raise his stress levels.

There may have been feelings of powerlessness, the fact that he couldn’t get out of being deployed or that he couldn’t do anything about the war. We don’t know what emotional support he had from friends and family. Obviously, there will be a list of grievances against various people if he had been taunted about his religion and his ethnicity. There’s also talk that he wanted to get out of the army so that could have left him with feelings of disappointment, frustration and maybe even failure. And obviously, you know, when you put all that together, he could have felt hopeless. He could have felt bad about life. He could have felt that there’s no way to redeem himself. Then he can start to plan and desire to have revenge and want to hurt the world that may have hurt him.

And, of course, he had access to weapons. So you put all that together. He fits the profile of a mass killer. Was there a terrorist aspect to this? We don’t know but I think it fits more into the situation that quite simply this is a guy who had been taunted, who have possibly been persecuted, didn’t believe in the war, didn’t want to go to war, didn’t have support, didn’t have anyone to turn to. And what does he do? He creates a plan of revenge.

Russ Morley:             Well, Dr. Wanis, let me jump in here for a second because, you know, you can’t be all that empathetic, can you and be in the psychiatric profession or the psychology profession? Because all you’re going to hear is day after day about somebody else’s problems and what’s wrong with this and what’s wrong with that and he had counseled all these guys coming back telling probably horrific war stories and why they had post-traumatic stress disorder. But I mean don’t you have to have a little ice water in your veins to be in that profession?

Patrick Wanis:          Well, the funny part is you have to be able to express empathy, yet you also have to be able to turn off. It is impossible to completely turn off when you are hearing real pain, real sorrow, real hurt, real deep, physical, mental and emotional pain from people returning from the war. You cannot turn off to that.

Russ Morley:             Well, let me ask. Let me jump in again here because we only got a couple of minutes. But what’s the old expression, “doctor heal thyself”? Couldn’t he have seen these symptoms coming on and sought counseling himself saying, “Hey, listen, I got a problem here. Well, I’m a psychiatrist. The symptoms I’m manifesting are right out of the textbook. I’m in trouble.”

Patrick Wanis:          Well, there’s two points here. Yes, he was empathetic according to reports of his patients. Why didn’t he see what was happening to him? It’s hard to say except if he was undergoing extreme stress, he may not have had mental clarity to realize and to be able to stand back and observe his own behavior and observe the way that it’s developing. So that’s not unusual. Remember, a medical doctor can get sick, so can a mental health professional become mentally and emotionally sick.

Russ Morley:             Good point. Good point. What do you make of the fact that – I was just looking at some video a couple of minutes ago. They kind of traced his day and there were some pictures of him in a convenience store where he was dressed in Muslim garb, I guess, a couple of hours ago before going to the base there at Fort Hood. What do you make of that?

Patrick Wanis:          There are two possibilities. One, did he do this everyday? Did he dress up that way every morning and, you know, engage in his own early morning prayers? So was this part of his ritual or was it different? If it was different, then it’s a sign. The second possibility is did he put on this garb because he went, “you know what, everyone is persecuting me so much about my religion, that makes me believe more in my religion and stand up more for my religion.” It’s the same thing. If you persecute a Christian, he’ll become – he’ll further, you know, place his feet in the ground and stand up for what he believes in. So that may have also been part of it.

The other rumor was that he had given away his house furniture and his copies of the Koran to neighbors. Now, if he was going to go out on a religious Jihad, why would he give away his Koran? He would take his Koran with him before he kills them. Final point, look at the people that he killed. The people that he killed were about to be deployed. So that tells you that did have some link to whatever his anger, his rage, his disappointment or his revenge was connected to, possibly, the fact that he was going to be deployed, he didn’t want to. So who does he take it out on? On the people that are also going to be deployed.

Russ Morley:             Dr. Wanis, thanks for being on the call with us this morning. Dr. Patrick Wanis. By the way if you want to find out more about this man, this remarkable Human Behavior Expert, go to PatrickWanis.com.

Click here to read Part One of the interview

Click here to read Part Two

Click here to listen to the complete interview

Patrick:           Well – and I know that you’re happily married and you have a lot of satisfaction and fulfillment within your relationship which makes you a great role model for a lot of people. But I’m curious about some of the cases, because, right at the beginning, I even used the terms lobotomy and psychosurgery. And I thought to myself, you know, we’ve bandied around the word lobotomy for many years. But was there a time in medicine when they actually removed parts of the brain or here in America did surgery do so in the hope of changing the way you think and feel?

Peter:              Well, it’s – first of all, it still goes on. I’ll give you a brief history and in 1936, a Portuguese surgeon started cutting up – actually he poisoned – he put holes in the brains of mental patients in the state’s mental hospital and poured poison in. And he found that these patients became much more docile and manageable. And then the treatment was usually popularized by a fellow named Walter Freeman in the U.S. during the 1950s – 40s and 50s and Freeman actually developed the method of slipping an ice pick around the eyeball, which you can do apparently without injuring the eye and knocking it through the thin wall of bone behind the eye and swooshing it around. A blind ice pick, literally an ice pick by the way, blind eye pick lobotomies. He did about 5000 lobotomies. Forty or 50,000 were done.

Then it – with the advent of the neuroleptic drugs particularly Thorazine, the first one of them Thorazine. You know, the mental patient populations in the state hospitals were subdued with drugs and that looked a lot more medical and neater and so that – replaced to a great extent psychosurgery. Then in the early 70s, I found out that psychosurgery was coming back all over the world including the U.S. and North America with dozens of projects and that’s the moment that I really became a serious reformer because I decided I wasn’t going to sit back. I was going to become the first physician to stand up in a public way against lobotomy and not let it come back in full force and …

Patrick:           Can you explain – give us an example of psychosurgery of this …

Peter:              Well, what they were doing in the early 70s was the full range. They would do an old fashion lobotomies where they would open the skull, lift up the front lobes and slice the connections that come up on the underside of the frontal lobes to the front of the brain, effectively deactivating the highest centers of emotion, feeling and thinking and producing a more indifferent, docile and easier to manage and less complaining human being. But then they also begin to do things like implant radium seeds in those areas. I mean, it was just coarse experimentation. And then finally boring holes in the head, dropping electrodes down, stimulating the brain with the tips of the electrodes then heating up the electrodes and burning holes in the brain.

I – explain this history in detail in – on my website, Breggin.com, B-R-E-G-G-I-N dot com has a section on psychosurgery. I actually spent two or three years of my life stopping the return of lobotomy in psychosurgery. It’s one of the things I’m most proud of. Before I was done, almost every project in the United States and North America and most of them in Europe were done with. They gave up under the – a tag of legal suits, legislation, public protests and so on. I would go to the country or the state or, you know, and just give talks on the radio and I really put a lot of energy into it.

Patrick:           May I add that when you say you did this, this involved court cases where you testified. Can you tell us a little bit more about that?

Peter:              Well, there were a number of court cases and in the beginning, we lost them but just bringing suits against these Harvard doctors. One in particular named Valentine and he had to stop doing the surgery. But the jury wouldn’t find in Boston against a Harvard doctor at that point. A malpractice suit was brought against some doctors I was very critical of. I didn’t participate against them, Mark and Irvin, but that also shut down their surgery even though the suit wasn’t won. I managed to get Congress to cut off federal funding to some of the surgeons and then we’ve had two suits that were important victories. In 1973 in a famous case and again, it’s on my website, Breggin.com, B-R-E-G-G-I-N, we stopped a psychosurgical experimental series in Michigan State Hospital and the court wrote an opinion that read like my testimony and that stopped all psychosurgery in the state hospitals, the VA the government, all agencies of governments in U.S. stopped doing them after that decision in the Kaimowitz case, it was called. And then just about two years ago, we had a malpractice suit against the Cleveland Clinic for putting several holes in the head of an old lady and ruining her totally. And that caused the Cleveland Clinic to stop doing them with a $7 million verdict. You’ll find that in my website too. And then now, there are just two places they’re doing it that we know of. I think there are other places hiding but Harvard and Brown are still doing psychosurgery. They – you know, they try to make it look very scientific and they – you know, they kind of admit that it’s somewhat experimental and they try to, you know, have experimental controls over, and so on and so forth, but it died down considerably. But see, if you think about a profession where no one ever openly protested lobotomy until I came along, then you realize well, there’s some secret here and I believe the secret is, is that all psychiatric treatments harm the brain and disable the brain, whether it’s drugs or shock treatment or lobotomy. And so, to attack lobotomy is to attack the principle of biological psychiatric treatment which is that it disables the brain.

Patrick:           You’ve talked about the damage, long term, that these drugs can do to the brain and in some cases, it’s permanent. What does it do to you whilst you are on them, because I’m gathering that it basically deadens your senses?

Peter:              Well the basic thing that happens whenever you disrupt brain function is that the subtlest human functions are impaired. And one of the most subtle human functions is self-perception. So if a person on a psychiatric drug says they have improved, it doesn’t mean they are improved. It may mean they’re emotionally blunted and don’t realize it. It might mean they’re a little high and don’t realize it or might be they’re getting a placebo effect. You know, just the hope of being helped has helped them. So the drugs do what I call spellbinding: medication spellbinding. You don’t perceive their adverse effects. If you feel bad from the drug, you don’t know it’s the drug. Instead you get angry at your wife or you get suicidal without realizing what’s going on. Just like somebody who’s drinking too much will get angry and violent when they never would when they weren’t drinking then they’ll blame it not on the drinking but on the person they’re attacking.

And in the extreme, people do really bizarre things on psychiatric drugs. That’s what Medication Madness documents in one case after another.

Patrick:           You’re talking about violence?

Peter:              Well, violence, yes, murder and school shootings, “going postal”,  theft, all kinds of different things and then other things, ruined marriage, ruined work careers and children injured and so on. Ultimately though, I think the long term exposure to most drugs does what you were suggesting, it dulls. People become less of themselves, less alert, less sharp, less able to multitask, less able to feel spiritually and lovingly. That, I think is probably what the most lasting effects of any kind of injury to the brain are and drugs become an injury to the brain.

Patrick:           That’s very interesting and it amazes me that you’re saying this because one of my clients by the name of Cathy Valone was diagnosed with depression and then, as a result, she was put on medication and they changed her medication over about seven years, eleven times because each time that they put her on a medication, she would go back and say, “Well look, I’ve got this symptom now and this symptom and my symptoms are getting worse.” And they would say, “Well, that’s your depression getting worse,” and they would put her on another drug. So they were basically just testing with her. But here’s the point. Just the way you said, not only did she have all sorts of other consequences and side effects where she lost sex drive, she lost appreciation for music, for nature, for beauty, for art. Her senses deadened but she talked about having no spiritual connection and she talked about not feeling like she was herself, not feeling like she’s Cathy…

Peter:              Exactly. Exactly.

Patrick:           And I think that’s the key point. In wrapping up, I just want to ask quickly about the way that pharmaceuticals approach this. Could you tell me briefly about the – I think it’s the Wesbecker case.

Peter:              It’s also on my website, Breggin.com and it’s – also, the most detailed description of the Wesbecker in the new book, Medication Madness. But basically, there were several hundred trials, cases being brought against Eli Lily in the 90s for murder, mayhem, suicide caused by Prozac and I was the chief scientific investigator for all the cases. The cases have been combined for the purpose of having one person be able to evaluate the science for all the lawyers.

And when the first case came to be, the lawyer broke with his colleagues and fixed the trial with the drug companies so they had a fake trial and I was stuck trying to figure out what’s going on. I’m trying to testify and my own lawyer doesn’t want me to testify. Well, at least, Lily doesn’t want to me to testify well. I had the feeling I was the only honest – me and the judge were the only honest ones in the court room because they actually had an agreement to throw the trial so that a lot of money will be given to the people who were injured, and Lily – secretly, but even so, Lily barely won the trial by nine to three and then the judge found out that the trial had been fixed. And he actually canceled the verdict.

Now well, the the American press loudly announced the original victory and didn’t mention it at all when the judge a couple of years later went through the process of nullifying the trial. So it’s a story of just how thoroughly a company like Eli Lilly can manipulate the media and the legal system. Now, I was right stuck in the middle of it and it took me a long time to figure out what was going on.

Patrick:           Well, Dr. Breggin, I know that you and I agree on one very important key that the answer starts inside. And as I mentioned, my client Cathy Valone, I’m assisting her in writing a book not only about her story but helping to give people advice and guidance: One, in giving them choices about whether they need to take these drugs. Two, about the dangers of withdrawal, knowing how to very safely and carefully withdraw from these drugs. I know you talked about that on your website.

Peter:              My book, Medication Madness also the chapter on how to withdraw from drugs. Go ahead. I’m sorry to interrupt you.

Patrick:           No, that’s a very important point. You’re right. And in the book that Cathy is writing, “the answer is inside”, she refers to a lot of my work in which I help people to take a completely different approach to their problems, dealing first with the cause and then the symptoms. What is your overall advice to people on two levels? One, who are suffering from depression and two, who might already be on drugs?

Peter:              I can’t give any really blanket advice in a general way because, you know, people have their own problems and I don’t know what their particular problems are but let me advocate that people avoid starting psychiatric drugs if they can because there are so many risks and hazards to them and their efficacy is often much in doubt.

Depression is a matter of hopelessness, feeling hopeless and despairing and desperate. In the extreme, being paralyzed but these are feelings. These are emotions and as you pointed out, they start inside. They also relate to terrible outside events, which then become embedded inside of us. And human beings can really overcome depression through so many methods, not just therapy and counseling but religion. People have overcome it by getting into exercise programs. People have overcome it by falling in love. People have changed their lives to overcome depression. It’s a matter of finding a way to love life again, to love life again, to be involved in life. That’s a process that’s as big as life itself. Drugs aren’t going to help that in the long run.

Now if you’re on psychiatric drugs, that’s entirely up to you as to what to do but I want you to be informed – Medication Madness tries to inform you about the hazards of these drugs. And if you decide you want to come off, you have to be very cautious because people can – they come off too quickly. Some of these drugs will produce seizures. Some will produce a drop in blood pressure and almost all of them will produce an emotional, negative reaction during withdrawal. Just to be very careful and cautious, thoughtful about how you go about withdrawing from the psychiatric drugs.

Patrick:           Well, Dr. Breggin, I respect, honor, and applaud not just the work you’re doing but the work you have been doing for so many years and particularly your new book, Medication Madness, which is out now and I’m guessing that we can get it from your website as well as Amazon and other bookstores and your website is Breggin.com, B-R-E-G-G-I-N dot com. Dr. Peter Breggin, I thank you very much and as I say, I wish you the very best with your continued work.

Peter:              Thank you very much.

Click here to read Part One of the interview

Click here to read Part Two

Click here to listen to the complete interview

Hot Products List:

Quit Smoking Hypnosis

Stop Smoking Hypnosis

Weight Loss Hypnosis