In this week’s Success Newsletter, I would like to discuss the link between playing the victim and refusing to forgive.

First a quick update:
 

****  Treating Bipolar Disorder – In a new series of video interviews that chronicle leaders and developments in the addiction recovery world presented by Milestones Ranch Malibu Treatment Center, I interview Dr. Paul Keck, Jr., President and CEO of Lindner Center of HOPE, for insights into Bipolar Disorder – medication, therapy and life skills management. Dr. Keck also addresses the tough question, “Why are there more people today than ever before being diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder?”
Watch what Dr.Keck says about the significance of working with the whole family when treating clients with Bipolar Disorder. http://youtu.be/59ek5JwuBl0

Now, let’s talk about the link between refusing to forgive and being a victim.

Has anyone ever taken advantage of you; cheated, betrayed, humiliated, wronged or hurt you in some way?

Of course!

Every one of us has been wronged by someone at one time in our lives – or possibly many times.

And when someone does wrong you, what is the appropriate response?

Is it to hurt them back, to punish them or to seek revenge?

Is it to deny the event or action; to ignore it and pass over it?

Is ii to immediately avoid feeling any pain and instantly forgive that person?

Is it to stay angry, bitter and malicious towards that person?

All of the above responses are extreme responses that fail to result in emotional freedom, inner peace, resolution or closure.

Recently, Karen, a client was relating to me a story of how her employer had apparently betrayed and taken advantage of her. She explained how she had taken up a contract with this employer and shortly into it, without explaining the reasons, he terminated the contract. He fulfilled the legal terms of the contract and he paid her dues and fees.

However, the early termination of the contract was painful and distressing to Karen because it resulted in large consequences beyond impacting her self-confidence and self-esteem – she would have to move residence and possibly relocate.

Her employer had fulfilled the legal terms of their contract but in her mind, he had not been ethical or at the very least, he had lacked compassion by not taking into account the impact that terminating the contract would have on her life.

Seeking a possible explanation for the early termination, Karen asked her employer to explain and he refused. Subsequently, she concluded that possibly he terminated the contract because he could not afford to continue to pay her. But even that potential explanation was not enough to set her free emotionally.

And as she spoke about this experience, the anger, bitterness and venom was most clear and evident; when I asked about forgiving this person, even if she would never do business again with him, she replied:

“He is not significant enough for me to forgive him.”

Continue reading “Reasons not to forgive and be a victim” »

In this week’s Success Newsletter, I would like to reveal two secrets to finding and experiencing love.

First a quick update:

****  Teen takes on Seventeen, says magazine contributes to body image issues – The magazine marketed to teenagers continues to Photoshop and airbrush images of its teen models to create the perfect face and body. Now a teenager is taking on the magazine claiming it contributes to serious body-image issues. Read my quotes in the article on FoxNews.com: http://www.foxnews.com/entertainment/2012/05/08/teen-takes-on-seventeen-says-magazine-contributes-to-body-image-issues/

Now, let’s talk about the two secrets to finding and experiencing love.

From my book “Find Love Fast”:

http://patrickwanis.com/FindLoveFastBook.asp

Life can be confusing and complex at times. We can find ourselves befuddled by its many mysteries, wondering how our life turned out the way it did. Sometimes we can become sad and feel hopeless, wondering if any one will ever love us the way we want.

The good news is we are not powerless or helpless -no matter what is now going on in our lives or what we have experienced in the past.

One of my clients, Jill, came to me in desperation. After three years, Robert, her partner walked out on her. She was confused and deeply hurt. “I did nothing wrong. I loved him so much. I did everything he wanted. I gave everything to him. I cooked and cleaned for him. I know that no one will ever love Robert the way I did…”

Why would someone walk out on his partner if she loved him so much? Why would someone walk out if that person did everything he wanted?

Ironically, the mistake Jill made was that she did everything he wanted!

You might ask, “What is wrong with that?”

  Continue reading “Two secrets to finding love” »

In this week’s Success Newsletter, I would like to discuss the poison of perfectionism and its link to self-centeredness & narcissism.

First a quick update:

****  The Law of Deservedness – watch the in-depth interview I give to Harrison Klein about the way we sabotage our lives when we don’t feel good enough. One viewer wrote to me “I was crying almost the whole way through the interview.” Watch it here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mgZFPLQ-K-c

****  Can Kevin Jonas’ marriage survive the reality show curse? – Read my quotes in the article on Celebuzz.com about the new reality show with Kevin Jonas and his wife and what I call the curse of the reality show and how it destroys relationships and marriages. http://www.celebuzz.com/2012-04-30/can-kevin-jonas-marriage-survive-reality-show-curse-expert-weighs-in-exclusive/
Also read my article “Reality shows lead to divorce”: http://patrickwanis.com/blog/reality-shows-lead-to-divorce/  and “The curse of the reality show”: http://patrickwanis.com/blog/index.php/curse-of-the-reality-show/

Now, let’s talk about the poison of perfectionism and its link to self-centeredness & narcissism.

The dictionary defines perfection as the state of being flawless, free from fault or defect. Perfection can also refer to achieving maturity (such as a wine ‘maturing to perfection’) or the quality or state of being saintly (again implying a state of flawlessness.)

The desire to achieve perfection usually begins in childhood with programming by parents who directly or indirectly reinforce the belief that the child is not good enough, and, never will be.

Do you engage in the following self-talk?

• I can’t do anything right
• I always mess up
• I am an idiot
• It’s not good enough
• I am not good enough
• Why can’t I do better?

The above self-talk are actually voices from the past. Remove the word “I” from each sentence and replace it with “You” and it is most likely the words of a parent spoken to a child.

Children have no control over what their parents will say or do and therefore are truly victims of the programming of their parents. However, today, children and adults are constantly being brainwashed into perfectionism by society – media, advertising and peers.

Continue reading “The poison of perfectionism and self-centeredness” »

In this week’s Success Newsletter, I would like to discuss taming the male and the new film “Think Like a Man.”

First a quick update:

****  Hope – the greatest drug known to mankind – In a new series of video interviews that chronicle leaders and developments in the addiction recovery world presented by Milestones Ranch Malibu Treatment Center, I interview Stan McKnight, Interventionist, Certified Addictions Therapist and Admissions Director of The Palms Detox Center in West Palm, Florida, about medical detox for addiction, the significance of sleep and why he is renowned for being able to reach the toughest patient. Stan also reveals that addicts are always looking for a loophole about why they shouldn’t be getting better and says that the best insurance to prevent a user from relapsing is to help someone else. Watch what Stan (The Hope Dealer) says about the difference between denial and asking for help – how the ego gets in the way – and how he was once using alcohol to curb his fears. http://youtu.be/0TbfUyF2S7s

Now, let’s talk about taming the male and the new film “Think Like a Man.”

Grossing over $33 million dollars for its opening, “Think Like a Man” became the number one film at the US box office this past weekend. The romantic comedy tells the story of four women who are tired of failing in the dating scene and so they start to follow Steve Harvey’s advice to “act like a lady and think like a man.” But when the men realize that they are being manipulated, they turn the tables to teach their women a lesson.

Both the critics and the public generally find the movie to be hysterically funny; and it is – Kevin Hart who plays Cedric steals the show as a highly physical and witty comic. Of course, as expected with most Hollywood films, it features stereotypes where the women appear to be manipulating, nagging, controlling, pushy, long-term planners and the men act immaturely, evade and lie to get everything they want.

The movie covers all of the expected ‘types’: The Player, The Mama’s Boy, The Non-Committer, The Dreamer,  “The Woman Who is Her Own Man,” The Single Mom, and The 90-Day-Rule Girl.

Steve Harvey’s main point (the same one as The Rules book from 1995) is that women have to expect more from the arrested-development crowd; “If he hasn’t asked you to marry him, it’s because you haven’t required him to do so” says Steve Harvey in the movie. And he does briefly address the new trend of women settling on careers and moving up the ladder while men cling to childhood longer.

Kristen, the Ring Girl (played by Gabrielle Union) tosses out all the fanboy and fratboy collectibles belonging to her boyfriend of nine years, Jeremy, the Non-Committer (played by Jerry Ferrara.) Accordingly, she is seen as successful in forcing him to become who she wants him to be and to propose to her. In fact, each of the men in the film are portrayed as immature, bumbling types who only grow up and realize their potential with the help of their respective woman. Three of the male characters in the film almost immediately transform their former failing careers into success and new businesses with the help of their respective new female partner.

And thus, the message of the film that all of the critics and reviewers missed is:

Men will fail and will remain as eternal immature men unless women intervene and help them to mature, grow and realize their potential; the woman’s job and purpose is to tame the male.

Continue reading “Taming the male” »

In this week’s Success Newsletter, I would like to reveal the link between your subconscious beliefs about your level of worthiness & deservedness and your reality.

First a quick update:

 
****  Compassion for addicts? – In a new series of video interviews that chronicle leaders and developments in the addiction recovery world presented by Milestones Ranch Malibu Treatment Center, I interview Jason Thomas, Admissions Coordinator for Milestones Ranch Malibu Treatment Center about the unique ways that Milestones helped him to achieve sobriety and become a better father. Jason had been through three other treatment centers before Milestones and says that Milestones’ warm, soft approach of kindness and genuineness helped him to face the truth about himself that he previously wasn’t willing to see. Jason also reveals how he found the door to freedom when he finally felt that he no longer had to hide from anyone and especially not from himself. http://youtu.be/2CQdQbx4Yfw

****  Lady Gaga and self-acceptance – She promotes self love when she sings “There’s nothing wrong with loving who you are” and “I’m beautiful in my way ’cause God makes no mistakes” but does Lady Gaga really accept herself and her body or does she fear rejection and is giving into the public’s expectations of her? Read my comments in the Fox News article:  http://www.foxnews.com/entertainment/2012/04/16/experts-call-lady-gaga-controversial-diet-tweets-hypocritical-and-cary/

Now, let’s talk about your worthiness; how much are you worth? How much do you deserve?

How much do you charge for your services? How much do you think you deserve to be paid or to receive? Why do some people feel happy and comfortable to charge high fees while others feel guilty charging or receiving anything at all?

Here is an excerpt from my book, “Smash your hidden beliefs – make more money now”:

Why do you deserve money? What makes you so special that you deserve money?

How did you feel and respond when you read the above two questions?

Re-read them now: Why do you deserve money? What makes you so special that you deserve money?

What do you believe it takes to make money, to hold onto money, to enjoy money? What makes you worthy of money and how much are you worth?

Let’s find out.

Let’s begin by writing out the answer to the question: Why do you deserve money?

Please don’t write this from your head. It’s critical to the success of the exercise to get into your feelings, your emotions. Thus, close your eyes and just relax and ask yourself, “Why do I deserve money?”

Write down whatever answer that comes to your mind. “Why do I deserve money?”  If your first answer is “Because I work hard” then I can almost guarantee that you saw your parents work hard to get money, and so do you know what’s going to happen to your world and reality? You’re going to be working really hard to make money. But this is how we uncover the beliefs. We have to start at this point and answer fully from the subconscious mind: “Why do I deserve money? Your answers will reveal what you feel about yourself, your sense of self-worth and value.

If you have low self-esteem, low self-value then that is what you will attract into your life: low value results, little money, crappy feelings.

Your outer world will reflect what you believe you are worth.

Continue reading “How much are you worth and do you deserve?” »

In this week’s Success Newsletter, I would like to reveal insights into people who talk incessantly, defensively or simply can’t listen and yet demand that you listen to them.

First a quick update:

****  How codependent people sabotage and enable addicts – In a new series of video interviews that chronicle leaders and developments in the addiction recovery world presented by Milestones Ranch Malibu Treatment Center, I interview John Stenzel, CEO and Executive Director of The Bridge to Recovery, about codependency, trauma, process addictions (compulsive caretaking, misery, workaholism, perfectionism, spending, etc) and chronic addiction relapse. John Stenzel reveals that The Bridge to Recovery deals with compounded traumas and behaviors that began in childhood (or are trans-generational) and that freedom occurs by getting to the root of the emotions that drive the behavior and dealing with those deeper emotions. Watch what John Stenzel says about codependency being more debilitating than drugs and alcohol combined and; why it is critical to treat the family of an addict. http://youtu.be/Y3nMGPnqALU

Now, let’s talk about people who talk incessantly, defensively or simply can’t listen.

Recently some friends of mine, a married couple were visiting and they were talking to another friend Jim, when suddenly, I noticed that they were literally talking at the same time. Jim would ask a question and the husband and wife would both answer, sometimes talking over each other, and other times just jumping in as if the other person didn’t even exist. It didn’t matter who was asked the question or who first answered the question, they would both attempt to answer or to tell the story – sometimes speaking for each other. It was as if they couldn’t hear each other and simply wanted Jim or anyone to listen and hear them individually.  And when the husband spoke or gave an opinion on a topic, he did so defensively, angrily and sometimes defiantly, almost as if he was trying to sell something or convince someone of his opinion and intelligence.

An observer might respond that this married couple is rude or that they don’t respect each other but, as I will reveal in a moment, rudeness or a lack of respect is not the real motivation here.

Meanwhile, in another instance, I was having a meeting when I noticed a similar occurrence with Julietta. She seemed to be talking incessantly as well as justifying herself in almost every moment. She was always excited in the way she spoke and yet she was also defensive and desperate to be heard. An observer might claim that Julietta is selfish, self-absorbed or worse, narcissistic. But again, this is not the real motivation or explanation.

Continue reading “Listen to me! – talkative people” »

In this week’s Success Newsletter, I would like to reveal the four money personalities; which one are you?

First a quick update:

****  Addiction denial — the addict and the family all need help – In a new series of video interviews that chronicle leaders and developments in the addiction recovery world presented by Milestones Ranch Malibu Treatment Center, I interview Pat Moomey, an addiction interventionist and life coach (with 28 years experience intervening to help people and families suffering from addiction), about how an intervention works. Pat Moomey reveals how she convinces people (who are in denial) that they need help; watch what Pat Moomey says about the entire family being in denial. Watch here: http://youtu.be/Fg3C-hVCmjY

Now, let’s talk about the four money personalities and their significance. Which one are you?

One of the top two causes of divorce is arguments over clashing values and beliefs about money. When entering marriage or relationship, few people stop and sit down to ponder what their values and deep, hidden beliefs are about money and sex.

Here is an excerpt from my book, “Smash your hidden beliefs – make more money now”:

A few years ago, a 20/20 TV investigative documentary set out to determine some of the values that people have regarding money. It identified that people can be divided into four money types or personalities:

1. Spender
2. Avoider
3. Saver
4. Money monk

The Avoider runs away from money, runs away from all financial responsibility, doesn’t want to think about taxes, doesn’t want to think about bills.

The Saver wants to save up money for the rainy day. Did you notice what I just wrote?  Save money for the rainy day. Where did I get that phrase from? If you know that expression, you got it from the same place – from your parents. You probably heard them say, “You’ve got to save money for a rainy day.” What is that teaching you? Expect problems, expect failure, expect disaster, expect misery, and so you better not spend that money. You better keep preparing for that day because it’s going to come.

Continue reading “What’s your money personality?” »

In this week’s Success Newsletter, I would like to discuss the 3 lessons to be gleaned from the alleged hate crime of George Zimmerman who killed an unarmed black teenager.

First a quick update:

****  Creativity without drugs - In a new series of video interviews that chronicle leaders and developments in the addiction recovery world presented by Milestones Ranch Malibu Treatment Center, I interview Pete Martinez, renowned country music artist (who also performed for President Bush and Vice President Cheney during the Wyoming Inaugural party in Washington, D.C. on January 19th 2005) about the difference between performing sober and performing while on drugs. Pete also addresses the challenge many people suffering from addiction face based on the fear of self-expression and judgment. Watch it here: http://youtu.be/TZC_po68nto

Now, let’s talk about the 3 lessons to be gleaned from the alleged hate crime of George Zimmerman who killed an unarmed black teenager.

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For people who live outside of the US: George Zimmerman, 28, a self-appointed volunteer neighborhood watch captain, admitted to shooting 17-year-old Trayvon Martin last month. Martin was leaving a convenience store when Zimmerman who believed him to be suspicious called 911.  Zimmerman went on to claim that the teen started to run and that Zimmerman was following the boy; the dispatcher told him, “We don’t need you to do that.”

But Zimmerman ignored the directive and he pursued and eventually shot to death Martin who was unarmed.

Zimmerman’s representatives asserted that he was acting in self-defense, but the incident has become a racially charged story due to allegations of hate crime, racial profiling associated with the shooting, and the local police’s handling of the investigation. No charges have been made against Zimmerman and rallies across the country have been staged in support of Martin and demanding the arrest of Zimmerman.

However, the response has been extreme with people demanding more than justice – some are demanding revenge: The New Black Panthers Party has offered a $10,000 reward for the “capture and citizen’s arrest” of George Zimmerman.

Fox News Channel commentator Geraldo Rivera suggested that a hoodie worn by Martin was as much responsible for his death as the neighborhood watch captain who shot him. Rivera’s son said he was ashamed of his father’s words and subsequently, Rivera apologized for the comment. Rivera was also probably unaware that The National Rifle Association sells ‘Concealed Carry’ hoodies for concealing mid-size pistols. And Congressman Bobby Rush (D-IL) was asked to leave the House chamber after taking off his suit jacket and revealing that he was wearing a hoodie during a speech in tribute to Martin.

Continue reading “Lessons from an alleged hate crime” »