Beware of Projecting

May 27th, 2015
Anti-gay activist Dr. George Rekers and the prostitute he hired -an example of Projection

Anti-gay activist Dr. George Rekers and the prostitute he hired -an example of Projection

In this week’s Success Newsletter, I would like to explore and reveal projection – how we project our issues onto other people and how other people’s projection onto us can harm us.

 

First a quick update:

 

 

 

 

  • Are you a people pleaser? – Do you constantly take care of everyone else and their needs but never take care of yourself or your needs? Do you hide from others what you really want? Do you find it difficult to say no? You might be the people-pleaser personality. Watch my video https://youtu.be/JTwdNNtjtTI


Now, let’s talk about projection – how we project our issues onto other people and how other people’s projections onto us can harm us.

 

Josh Duggar, 27, one of the children from TLC’s TV show “19 Kids and Counting”, resigned from the Family Research Council, after admitting that he sexually assaulted five underage girls, including his sisters, when he was a teenager.

 

Josh Duggar boldly stated that he believed that gays and the LGBT community are a danger to children and that there is a link between homosexuality and pedophilia. (While I will not be addressing this issue in this article, research does reveal that pedophilia is not motivated by sexual orientation. )

 

Given the revelations and admissions by Josh Duggar that he molested five young girls, people are screaming that Duggar is a hypocrite.

 

This raises the question “Why do we see so many people shouting, screaming and thumping about something being particularly bad and evil, only to later learn that the actual people screaming are engaging in the ‘bad and evil’ behavior themselves?”

 

The answer is not hypocrisy – it is projection – hating in other people what we actually hate in ourselves.

 

Let me explain and elaborate on projection as well as share examples.

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Was Josh Duggar molested?

May 22nd, 2015
did someone molest josh duggar

Did someone molest Josh Duggar?

Forgive or damn Josh Duggar?
While there are 2 mass clashing responses to the revelations that Josh Duggar molested 4 of his younger sisters and another girl (ages 4 – 12) over a period of a year when he was 14/15, most people fail to realize that often cases someone who molests or abuses a child was molested or abused when he was a child.

I have worked with various clients who were abused by an older sibling, and that older sibling was abused when he/she was young. I have had cases of boys molesting younger sisters/brothers, and sisters molesting younger brothers.

So did someone molest Josh when he was young child?

The answer is most likely, yes.

And while some people promote forgiveness for Josh, the second key question in this case is, has the victims of Josh Duggar forgiven him? Has Josh’s sisters forgiven him?

Consequences for Josh AND forgiveness can help his sisters to forgive him and bring about healing and resolution for the 4 sisters.

Josh molested five underage girls in 2002 and 2003 but was not charged for two reasons:

1. The statute of limitations had already passed
2. Parents Jim Bob and Michelle did not report it to authorities

Talking Points

  • Impact of abuse and molestation on female child victims
  • The psychological reasons abusers repeat the abuse
  • Can an abuser truly change?
  • Why some abused victims do not repeat the abuse as adults
  • The role forgiveness plays for the victims

 

 

Patrick Wanis Ph.D.
Celebrity Life Coach, Human Behavior & Relationship Expert & SRTT Therapist
www.patrickwanis.com
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10 Traits of the superior man

May 20th, 2015
10 traits of the superior man

10 traits of the superior man

In this week’s Success Newsletter, I would like to reveal the ten traits of the superior man as identified by Confucius.

 

First a quick update:

 

Signs you need to dump your friend – What is a real friend? What are the 3 keys to look for in a friend? How do you know when it is time to dump the toxic friend? Read my article: http://patrickwanis.com/blog/dealing-with-toxic-friends/

 

 

 

  • What’s wrong with you? – Have you ever said that someone or has someone ever said that to you? Have you asked yourself that same question? You’ll be shocked by the answer to that question. Watch my video https://youtu.be/nrcRkXhuYJw

 

Now, let’s talk about the ten traits of the superior man as identified by Confucius.

 

Confucius (551- 479 BC) was a famous Chinese thinker, educator and politician, comparable to Socrates in the West. Confucius developed a social and political philosophy that became the foundation of subsequent Chinese thought.

 

When asked to define and identify the attributes – the traits and qualities –  of the “superior man” – Confucius offered various insights. Here are ten of Confucius’ teachings on the superior man along with my interpretation of his message:

 

1. Personal development
“The superior man is distressed by the limitations of his ability; he is not distressed by the fact that men do not recognize the ability that he has.”

 

Message: Focus on improving yourself rather than being noticed. Identify your talent, apply it, avoid wasting it and beware of seeking recognition.

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4 Steps to overcome emotional hoarding

May 13th, 2015
4 steps to overcome emotional hoarding

4 steps to overcome emotional hoarding

In this week’s Success Newsletter, I would like to reveal 4 steps to overcome emotional hoarding.

 

 

First a quick update:

 

 

 

  • “Coaches, counselors and therapists” – Learn my unique therapeutic tool which helps clients to make radically fast behavioral and emotional changes without reliving trauma and without months or years of talk or emotional or psychological dependence upon the therapist. http://patrickwanis.com/SRTT/online-therapy-training.asp

 

 

 

 

 

  • He’s not the man I fell in love with – Has your husband or partner changed? Do you feel he’s not the same person you once fell in love with? What did you  actually  fall in love with? Watch my video https://youtu.be/2NBx3mijTPM  

 

Now, let’s talk about the 4 steps to overcome emotional hoarding.

 

In my article “Quiz – are you an emotional hoarder” I defined emotional hoarding as the act of creating severe emotional attachments to memories and past events.

 

“I’m an emotional hoarder. I hold on to the slightest feeling or sensation or memory for dear life even when it only makes sense to let it go. Being bombarded by thoughts of a situation or more often a person like a sudden hailstorm is annoying at best. It’s crippling at worst… I’m carrying around guilt and shame from things that happened months and in most cases years ago. I’ve apologized and atoned and asked for forgiveness from the people I hurt (most of them), but I recently realized that I hadn’t forgiven myself.” – Bassey http://www.xojane.com/relationships/im-emotional-hoarder

 

In the same way that the Mayo Clinic defines Hoarding disorder as “a persistent difficulty discarding or parting with possessions because of a perceived need to save them” we can identify emotional hoarding disorder as the perceived need to save negative past events and memories. In some cases, people will hold onto past positive events and memories but create negative interpretations and consequences by engaging in self-pity (anger, resentment, blame, guilt, shame, etc.) because the past positive event no longer exists, it cannot be duplicated or some other crippling perception/reason.

 

Further, “A person with hoarding disorder experiences distress at the thought of getting rid of the items.” The same principle applies to emotional hoarding: the emotional hoarder cannot let go of the past and “experiences distress at the thought of getting rid of the items” – in this case “the items” are the negative emotions and memories.

 

Here are 4 steps to overcome emotional hoarding.

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Quiz – Are you an Emotional Hoarder?

May 6th, 2015
Take the quiz -  Are you an emotional hoarder?

Take the quiz – Are you an emotional hoarder?

In this week’s Success Newsletter, I would like to share my quiz to help you find out if you are an emotional hoarder.

First a quick update:

  • Is a lie a lie? – In my newsletter “Men are evolving despite the lies” I revealed the results of a “groundbreaking survey” of men; I also called out 2 reporters for lying about the findings – men actually want an intelligent woman first, not an attractive woman first. However, one reader didn’t like that I labeled the lie as a lie! Read the comment and my response: http://patrickwanis.com/blog/men-evolving-lies/

 

  • “Coaches, counselors and therapists” – Learn my unique therapeutic tool which helps clients to make radically fast behavioral and emotional changes without reliving trauma and without months or years of talk or emotional or psychological dependence upon the therapist. http://patrickwanis.com/SRTT/online-therapy-training.asp

 

 

  • Why do you always need to be right? – All of us, have at one time or another argued to make our point or win an argument. However, some people believe that they must be right all of the time. What causes this behavior? Watch my video https://youtu.be/-UGt31l9BN8

Now, let’s talk about my quiz to help you determine if you are an emotional hoarder.

Hoarding disorder is a persistent difficulty discarding or parting with possessions because of a perceived need to save them. A person with hoarding disorder experiences distress at the thought of getting rid of the items. Excessive accumulation of items, regardless of actual value, occurs.”

In the same way that physical hoarders accumulate physical, tangible stuff, emotional hoarders accumulate emotional stuff.

Physical hoarders create severe emotional attachments to inanimate objects (and sometimes to animals); emotional hoarders create severe emotional attachments to memories and past events.

Both forms of hoarding are crippling emotionally and psychologically, and both forms of hoarding damage and sabotage relationships; both forms cripple your life and prevent you from enjoying life now.

Here is a simple quiz to help you determine if you are an emotional hoarder. Answer the questions first, and then scroll down to determine your score and its meaning.

Quiz: Are you an emotional hoarder?

1. How do you describe your dominant emotion or emotions? List them

2. Do you constantly think of things in the past which then trigger negative emotions?

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Men are evolving – despite the lies

April 29th, 2015
modern man men are evolving despite the lies by women

Men are evolving despite the lies

In this week’s Success Newsletter, I would like to reveal that despite the lies, men are evolving based on a new survey of the 21st century man.

 

First a quick update:

 

 

 

 

  • “Coaches, counselors and therapists” – Learn my unique therapeutic tool which helps clients to make radically fast behavioral and emotional changes without reliving trauma and without months or years of talk or emotional or psychological dependence upon the therapist. http://patrickwanis.com/SRTT/online-therapy-training.asp

 

 

 

 

  • How to reduce and overcome anxiety immediately – We automatically think of anxiety only in terms of the physical experience without giving credence to the psychological component. Anxiety has its roots both in the hardwired response to threats and our thought process. Learn how to reduce anxiety now. Watch my video https://youtu.be/42iyACh7dfU

 


Now, let’s talk about
the lies and the truth about modern men based on a new survey of the 21st century man.

It’s good news for women who have been calling for gender equality.

The modern man is truly modern and evolving according to a new nationwide survey.

However, yet again, the media chose to twist and lie about the survey findings with the intention of making men look bad, inadequate, selfish and unevolved.

The Shriver Report Snapshot: An Insight Into the 21st Century Man, was quickly snapped up and twisted by the media to portray men as wanting to control their partner while hypocritically encouraging independence in their daughters.

“…according to the results from a new survey, it’s still pretty bleak out there, double-standard-wise” writes Sarah Jacoby on MSN, while The Washington Post publishes “The disturbing differences in what men want in their wives and their daughters” by Danielle Pacquette.

What is this “disturbing” and “most depressing” finding?

I will reveal that in a moment as well as expose it as a distortion and manipulation of the actual survey findings and truth, particularly when the Shriver Report Snapshot boasts that its own survey about the 21st Century man reveals “stereotype-cracking discoveries.”

As I will elaborate, the above mentioned articles are 2 examples of how these writers twisted the actual findings, omitted other critically positive findings of the 21st century man and completely misunderstand (either deliberately or out of ignorance) the roles people play in relationships and thus the qualities each of us seeks or prefers in our partners and in our children.

For example, the survey of 818 American men over the age of 18 reveals that:

72 % of men surveyed stated the primary quality they want in a partner is Intelligence, followed by
Attractiveness 45%
Independence 34%
Sweetness 34%

For their daughters:
81 % of men stated they wish them to grow up with intelligence, followed by
Independence 66%
Strength 48%
Principled 35%

This is not a shocking expectation or preference: an intelligent parent knows that for a child to succeed when growing up, leaving home and entering the unsheltered world and workforce – he, or she, must be intelligent, independent, strong and principled. This is part of a basic formula for success and is not necessarily gender specific.

Why would anyone expect that a man would want the same qualities in his daughter as he would want in his life partner or wife?

A marriage is a partnership and equal relationship; a father and daughter are not life partners nor are they in a romantic committed relationship; they are also not going to raise children together. Thus, the dynamics of each relationship are different, extremely different.

Yes. I am stating the blaring obvious, yet it was not obvious to Danielle Pacquette or Sarah Jacoby.

I will also reiterate here that the primary intention of the media is to shock, provoke and create conflict. By doing so, the media is able to drive more traffic to website and webpages, drive larger audiences to TV and radio shows. And the easiest way to boost audience numbers is to attack men as there will be very few repercussions. If these same writers were to attack women by twisting survey findings, the repercussions would be huge and the writers would be quickly condemned en masse.

Here is another example of the way the truth was distorted:

‘When asked what qualities they want in in a wife, American heterosexual men said they value “attractive” and “sweet” women, a national survey recently found. Only 34 percent, however, said they wanted a romantic partner who is “independent”’ writes Danielle Pacquette in the Washington Post. 

This is the first paragraph to her article and what Danielle Pacquette deliberately fails to tell you is that men rated independence and sweetness equally – both at 34%. Therefore it is a blatant lie to say or imply that men in this survey preferred a sweet woman over an independent woman! No. They rated both traits equally – 34%.

Also, Danielle Pacquette deliberately fails to tell you, in her opening paragraph, that men rated Intelligence as the primary trait they want in a wife or female partner. Nowhere in her article does she mention that Intelligence was deemed by men as the most prized trait in this survey.

Further, both articles condemn men for not making Independence the primary quality they want in a wife/female partner. Yet, again, the writers fail to mention that men placed Independence in the top 3 qualities they want in their wife or female partner.

The Shriver Report Snapshot: An Insight Into the 21st Century Man. Qualities that men most want

The Shriver Report Snapshot: An Insight Into the 21st Century Man. Qualities that men most want

As mentioned earlier, the writers omitted from their articles numerous critical findings from the survey.

Here are 7 insightful and meaningful findings from The Shriver Report Snapshot: An Insight Into the 21st Century Man:

 

1. Family first – today’s man values personal success with family over financial achievement!

“The 21st Century Man characterizes the achievement of the American Dream as personal success with family and being a good father, husband, son or friend over financial independence, professional success or leaving a legacy. 3 in 5 of today’s men named personal achievement at home as the marker of success, with financial success coming in second at only 24%.”

2. Being a present partner is more important than being a provider – say young men
The new generation of males is evolving: younger men (18-49) are saying that being a present partner is more important than being a provider; older men (over 50) said the opposite.

3. Personal character and integrity are signs of strength – physical strength no longer is a defining characteristic for men
Interesting that the authors choose to leave this finding out of their article – “Character, Integrity and the Shift from Mad Man to the Emotionally Intelligent Family Man… 68% of today’s men say having a strong personal character and sense of integrity are the most important ways to exhibit strength in today’s world.”

4. Multiple indicators of gender equality
Most men are comfortable with a female president, with a wife or partner working outside of the home, making more money than they do, and with having a female boss at work. “However, men do not show a similarly high degree of comfort with other situations, particularly taking on the role of a stay-at-home dad.”

5. It’s hard to be a man today
Men are more likely to report that it is harder rather than easier to be a man in their generation compared with their father’s generation. [45% to 20%]

“In my dad’s day, women stayed home and the men worked. Now, both men and women work in the same area as men do, so it’s hard for us to be men.”

“With the blending of the gender roles and the fact that society is not dependent upon physical labor as much as it used to be, the traditional roles that men play have been dismissed.”

“If you stand up as a man, it is taken as putting females down. No more ‘Man of the House.’”

“Each generation has its challenges. In the past, it was men conforming to rigid role expectations. In our generation, a man has more challenges finding his own way.”

6. Dads are a strong male role model – not the media, sports icons or celebrities
64% disagree with the statement that popular American film and television has strongly influenced the way they think about being a man.

7. Parents do influence and help men to become the man they want to be
83% of men reported that their mothers had a positive impact not a negative impact in shaping them into the man they want to be. 74% of men reported their fathers had a positive influence.

More than half the men reported that are generally more concerned about making good impressions and earning the respect of other men than earning the respect of women.

Finally, here is a key finding for women: if you want more sex with your husband or boyfriend, let him be masculine. “73% agree that the more masculine they feel, the more sexual confidence they have.”

You can download and read the entire survey of modern man here.

Also, read my article “How stupid are men?” about the way the media, TV, and advertising portray men as bumbling buffoons!

You can post your comment on this newsletter below:

If this newsletter was forwarded to you and would like to receive all of my newsletters please enter your email address on the home page at PatrickWanis.com.

I wish you the best and remind you “Believe in yourself -You deserve the best!”

Patrick Wanis Ph.D.
Celebrity Life Coach, Human Behavior & Relationship Expert & SRTT Therapist
www.patrickwanis.com

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The new secret domestic violence – children as abusers

April 23rd, 2015
The new secret domestic violence -  children as abusers

The new secret domestic violence – children as abusers

A study in Western Australia reveals that there is a new form of secret domestic violence – children are assaulting siblings and parents.

 

The report, by Women’s Health and Family Services reveals that in more than 2000 cases ¬reported between 2009 and 2014 police charged adolescents (10-17) with assault and other acts of violence against their siblings, parents and care-givers. There were 181 arrests of adolescents for domestic sexual assault.

 

Parents are being abused by their children and are too ashamed to report it to police and authorities.

 

People working in the field have known for a long time that children are also involved as perpetrators of domestic violence.

 

Why?

1. Surrounded by violence
Many children are already growing up in families and environments of violence i.e. they themselves were victims of violence or they have witnessed violence within the family and accordingly they learn to express and respond with violence; they repeat what they see and what they experience – violent behavior. Hostility and constant conflicts within the family can also lead to violent behavior by the children.

Further, I have young clients who were sexually abused by an older sibling who was sexually abused by someone else in the family. One client was a male who was sexually abused by an older sister.

 

2. Unmet needs/mental health problems
The child’s emotional and psychological needs are not being met, and many children suffer from mental health problems but are not receiving adequate help if any at all – depression, post-traumatic stress disorder, substance abuse problems, and anxiety disorder. Note that the greatest group at risk is single mothers.

 

3. Feelings of shame/alienation
Third, the primary psychological cause of violence is shame. In other words, these children experience feelings of being disrespected, demeaned & debased, feeling insignificant, worthless leads to feelings of shame that then trigger anger and then violence. Children also need to be adequately taught to understand and regulate their emotions as well as their responses to their emotions.

 

 

“Traditionally, most people think of family violence as being perpetrated by men against women, but it is the case that more recently we’ve become more aware of the violence perpetrated by women and young people, sons and daughters, and that is particularly stigmatizing for families.”
– Women’s Health and Family Services project officer Sarah Broadhead

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The number 1 cause of violence – shame

April 22nd, 2015
The No. 1 cause of violence - shame

The No. 1 cause of violence – shame

In this week’s Success Newsletter, I would like to reveal the number 1 cause of violence – shame.

 

 

First a quick update:

 

 

 

 

  • “Coaches, counselors and therapists” – Learn my unique therapeutic tool which helps clients to make radically fast behavioral and emotional changes without reliving trauma and without months or years of talk or emotional or psychological dependence upon the therapist. http://patrickwanis.com/SRTT/online-therapy-training.asp

 

 

 

 

 

  • 5 Reasons police lose control and kill – Why do police lose control and kill as made evident by a spate of police brutality – beatings, punchings and killings? Are police simply bigoted, prejudicial and power hungry? Watch my video http://patrickwanis.com/RadioInterviews.asp#CCMMK

 

Now, let’s talk about the number 1 cause of violence and reveal the power of respect by exposing the link between disrespect, shame and violence.

 

Why does someone become violent?

 

Well, he/she becomes angry first before becoming violent.

 

What triggers the anger?

 

You might say, ‘all sorts of things make someone angry.’

 

However, as I have explained in various articles and videos, anger is the first response to feeling hurt, injured or wronged.

 

Thus, beneath that anger is another emotion that triggers the anger: shame.

 

“violations to self-esteem through insult, humiliation or coercion are . . . probably the most important source of anger and aggressive drive in humans.” – Psychologist Seymour Feshhach (1971)

 

Is this claim true?

 

Does insult lead to violence? If you insult someone does that automatically trigger violence?

 

I have been struck by the frequency with which I received the same answer when I asked prisoners, or mental patients [over 35 years of research], why they assaulted or even killed someone. Time after time, they would reply “because he disrespected me” or “he disrespected my visitor [or wife, mother, sister, girl-friend, daughter, etc.].” – “Shame, Guilt, and Violence” – Psychiatrist Dr. James Gilligan

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Interview – 5 Reasons police lose control and kill – KTAR Interview

April 16th, 2015
Did police use excessive  force when running over a fleeing suspect who was firing his gun?

Did police use excessive force when running over a fleeing suspect who was firing his gun?

Police run over a suspect who is shooting in the air ; officers unleash a K9 on a man during a violent struggle and he dies; 11 country  sheriffs beat, kick and punch a man while he is laying on his stomach on the ground; a policeman shoots and kills an unarmed man as he is fleeing.

Some incidents are blatant examples of excessive force, brutality and violent rage.

Why is this happening?

Bruce St. James and Pamela Hughes from KTAR News interview Patrick Wanis PhD to explain and reveal the reasons people become law enforcement officers and the 5 primary reasons police lose control and kill. Click on the play button below to listen to the interview now.


Also read the full article by Human Behavior Expert Patrick Wanis PhD: 5 Reasons police lose control and kill

 http://patrickwanis.com/blog/5-reasons-police-lose-control-kill/

 

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7 Factors of attraction

April 15th, 2015
7 factors of attraction theory

7 factors of attraction

In this week’s Success Newsletter, I would like to reveal the 7 primary factors of attraction.

 

First a quick update:

 

 

 

  • Why are police losing control, becoming violent and killing? – In California, 11 Sheriffs beat, kicked and punched a man while he lay on the ground not moving. The Sheriffs were both white and black and the man was white, so it was clearly not a racial issue. Why did they act this way? Read my article “5 Reasons police lose control and kill”  http://patrickwanis.com/blog/5-reasons-police-lose-control-kill/

 

  • “Coaches, counselors and therapists” – Learn my unique therapeutic tool which helps clients to make radically fast behavioral and emotional changes without reliving trauma and without months or years of talk or emotional or psychological dependence upon the therapist. http://patrickwanis.com/SRTT/online-therapy-training.asp

 

 

 

 

  • What is Twisted Love? – How do you define love? Does your definition match your relationship? If not, then you have a subconscious definition known as “Twisted Love.” Watch my video https://youtu.be/cZW615a8rtQ

 

 

Now, let’s talk about the 7 factors of attraction in romantic relationships.

 

Psychology refers to the Attraction Theory which presents Personal Appearance, Proximity, Similarity, and Complementarity as the 4 main factors behind interpersonal attraction.

 

However, I would like to expand and offer a more in-depth and detailed explanation of the 7 main factors of attraction

 

1. Chemistry – the physical attraction

The Attraction Theory presents Personal Appearance as the physical attraction. However, personal appearance refers to ideals of beauty i.e. “my physical type is…and I find this person to be beautiful.” However, we all know that the chemical attraction between two people is not directly linked or correlated to personal appearance as much as it is to the seeming inexplicable magnetic attraction between these two people.

 

The magnetic or chemical attraction is explicable – it is hardwired – our brain seeks out the partner that will best complement our own genes to reproduce the healthiest offspring.   

 

2. Proximity – bonding

The Attraction Theory presents Proximity as the concept that we become attracted to people who are physically close to us. In other words, the more often we see them, the more we will be attracted. That is not accurate; we see many people on a daily basis and that doesn’t guarantee attraction – we might still loathe or detest those same people.

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