Wholehearted living leads to happiness

September 2nd, 2015
Wholehearted living leads to happiness & joy brene brown

Wholehearted living leads to happiness & joy

In this week’s Success Newsletter, I would like to reveal the link between happiness and wholehearted living.

 

First a quick update:

 

 

 

 

  • Spirituality Vs Religion – What is the difference between spirituality and religion? Watch my appearance and the debate on the Catholic Channel: https://youtu.be/-WuzGlNJwOw


 

Now, let’s talk about the link between happiness and wholehearted living.

 

What does it mean to be wholehearted?

 

According to research professor at the University of Houston Graduate College of Social Work, Brene Brown, wholehearted living refers to having a strong sense of love and belonging, and believing that you are worthy of love and belonging.

 

Brown argues that you can only experience love and belonging by being vulnerable, by allowing your heart to open and by being willing to experience all of the emotions, including disappointment and even rejection.

 

The paradox is that by being vulnerable by choosing to be wholehearted you can experience happiness and joy!

 

In her book “Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead”, Brene Brown presents “10 Guideposts for Wholehearted Living.”

 

Here are her ten guideposts followed by my own interpretations and suggested strategies & solutions for each guidepost

 

1. Cultivate Authenticity – Let go of what people think

What do you believe people think about you? Do you constantly try to live up to their image of you? Perhaps they expect you to be the clown, the entertainer or the martyr; it doesn’t matter what they think of you, it matters if you are concerned more who you are expressing and demonstrating to them. Are you expressing your real self? Are you living according to your beliefs or are you hiding, changing or denying your beliefs to get their approval?

 

Solution: Stop doing whatever it takes just to fit in. Be willing to be courageous and face rejection – not everyone will like, approve or agree with you. Your authentic friends will be authentic with you and will accept you even if you both disagree. If you and your friend have different values, then be willing to have integrity and maintain your values, even if it means letting go of the friendship.

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Men need to embrace change

August 27th, 2015
In the TV series, The Incredible Hulk, the character would transform and lose control when he was overpowered by anger  need to change by men

In the TV series, The Incredible Hulk, the character would transform and lose control when he was overpowered by anger

In this week’s Success Newsletter, I would like to talk about the need for men to embrace change.

 

First a quick update:

 

 

 

 

  • He’s not the man I fell in love with – Did he really change? Did you know the real man inside or only the man you were hoping he would become? Watch the video: https://youtu.be/2NBx3mijTPM

Now, let’s talk about the need for men to embrace change.

 

A CNN reporter asked me for my insights about why men seem to find it harder to change than women do.

 

I responded that women expect change more than men do because of the biological differences between the male and female. Accordingly, they are highly adaptive.

 

The female constantly changes, starting with puberty onwards as her hips widen, her breasts form and she begins to menstruate. As a female matures, she experiences many more changes with a peak in fertility in her mid 20s and menopause around age 45.

 

Thus, a woman knows from an early age to expect biological changes (and pregnancy and childbirth must also be included here.) Men obviously do not have these constant changes and cycles and are not taught to expect as many changes.

 

In turn, generally speaking, women embrace change and are highly adaptive – always seeking out the changes and latest trends in fashion and culture. A recent study reveals that women are more likely than men to purchase tablets, laptops and smartphones – three out of the four top consumer electronics categories.

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Khalifa – the disease of entitlement and anarchy

August 24th, 2015
khalifa disease entitlement Anarchy in Greece as people riot over the collapsed economy  and anarchy

Anarchy in Greece as people riot over the collapsed economy

Everyone who lands in an airport in the US must go through immigration. There are signs posted that prohibit the use of cell phones within the immigration area. That means you might be in a line for a couple of hours and you are not allowed to use a cell phone. However, you can use your cell phone in most other areas of the airport. It’s not convenient to not be able to use your cell phone, particularly if you wish to let your waiting party know that you are in line, and should you choose to defy this ruling, you could easily be detained for hours or even arrested.

However, US rapper Wiz Khalifa posted social media messages saying “If man can make rules, that means you can make your own”, and “Do what you want kids.” This was Wiz Khalifa’s response to having been handcuffed after choosing to not listen to police who told him that he could not use a hoverboard in LAX airport. While on the ground, face down, he replied to the officer telling him to stop resisting “I am not resisting.” Later he posted a social media message saying “I am not resisting. I am doing what I want.”

These messages by Wiz Khalifa further promote and breed the disease of entitlement.

Entitlement is the belief that one is inherently deserving of privileges or special treatment. Simply put it is the belief that ‘I can do what I want, the rules do not apply to me, I’m above the law.’

This is a common issue amongst celebrities when they are stopped by law enforcement and don’t get their way: “Don’t you know who I am?” – Shia LaBeouf (2014); “Do you know my name?” – Reese Witherspoon (2013.)

In the above cases, LaBeouf and Witherspoon later apologized for their behavior.

However, Khalifa refused to admit he was wrong for not following police orders, and instead he chose to promote entitlement and anarchy by specifically and literally telling his followers, fans and the general public that they can do and should do whatever they want and that they should ignore the rules.  (Will he tell the same things to his own 2 year-old son, Sebastian, or does he expect him to listen to his father?)

Does Khalifa really want to promote anarchy – the complete and purposeful disregard of all authority?

Should people heed Khalifa’s message and do what they want – break into his cars and home? Should they enter the concerts and the movies of the celebrities without paying? Should they pirate music without paying any royalties? Should they ignore the rights and freedoms of all others by doing whatever they want, whenever they want? Should they defy all authority?

Anarchy can be justified when the people are being oppressed such as the time leading up to the French Revolution or the economic crisis in Greece. Khalifa is not being oppressed when he cannot use a hoverboard in an airport, and spreading the disease of entitlement amongst the young will not help the young nor set them free in any way; it will simply destroy their life when they realize that you cannot succeed by expecting things to be handed to you; you cannot succeed by being narcissistic, thinking only of yourself and lacking empathy & consideration for others, and; should you truly want special treatment, you must earn it and the respect others!

 

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It is personal!

August 19th, 2015
In the movie, Analyze This, Billy Crystal's character is about to be shot, and he is told to not take it personally!

In the movie, Analyze This, Billy Crystal’s character is about to be shot, and he is told to not take it personally!

In this week’s Success Newsletter, I would like to talk about the teaching “Don’t take anything personally’ and reveal why this is a dangerous extreme.

 

First a quick update:

 

 

 

 

 

  • The male fragile ego? – Why are men emasculated by successful women and how does that emasculation lead to cheating? Watch the video: https://youtu.be/pUliUsEyVgc Read http://patrickwanis.com/blog/schwarzenegger-why-powerful-men-cheat/

 

Now, let’s talk about the teaching “Don’t take anything personally’ and reveal why this is a dangerous extreme.

 

“You’re an idiot…you are fat…you made me angry…you made me cry…you are immature…”

 

How do you respond when someone verbally criticizes or attacks you?

 

Do you immediately internalize what he/she says?

Do you attack that person back?

Do you analyze what he/she said without reacting emotionally?

 

If you follow the teachings of Don Miguel Ruiz in his book, “The Four Agreements”, you would simply shrug it off and conclude ‘it’s not about me, it’s about them – it’s their stuff’:

 

“Don’t Take Anything Personally. Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.”

 

Don Miguel Ruiz claims to be a shaman and Nagual and states that the four agreements come from ancient Toltec wisdom. There is little evidence to support that any of these teachings originated with the Toltecs or that they even come from the Toltecs. Nonetheless, that does not impact the validity of the actual teachings which can be viewed individually to determine their merit and significance.

 

Is there value and benefits to adopting the ‘agreement’ “Don’t Take Anything Personally”?

 

First, this teaching has been in existence for a long time:

 

In western culture, we have the phrase – what other people think of you is none of your business;

in the East, it has been taught in Buddhism dating back to at least the 4th B.C. –  “Attachment is the origin, the root of suffering; hence it is the cause of suffering” – beware of becoming attached to other people’s opinions.  

 

Second, when we attach our self-worth to other people’s opinions of us, we are saying what you think of me is more important than what I think of myself; when we base our self-esteem and self-image on what other people think of us, then we will be constantly seeking their approval, and, when we don’t get it, we will suffer and become miserable, depressed, anxious, nervous, insecure, and so forth.

 

Further, how is it possible to please everyone in your life?

 

So it is beneficial to not become attached to the opinions and actions of others.

 

However, it is not healthy or beneficial to become “immune to the opinions and actions of others.”

 

Why not?

 

Immune means we are exempt; immune is an extreme approach.

 

When you choose to become “immune” or exempt from the opinions and actions of others”, and when you decide to not take anything personally, then you are removing all personal responsibility from your life.

 

 

In effect, you are saying that ‘no matter what anyone says to me, positive or negative, I am not responsible; I play no part in anyone else’s reality, and I play no part in my own reality.’ Based on that extreme belief, we then should not receive or embrace compliments, praise or criticism of any kind, and we should simply brush off anything anyone says or does as ‘it’s their stuff, it’s their projection.’

 

When you decide to not take anything personally, you are isolating yourself form the world and from other people.

 

If we are completely immune to other people’s actions, beliefs and opinions then why do we need to be in any relationship with anyone?

 

We do seek and need love and connection, and we cannot do this without some connection to other people’s interactions with us.

 

Solution

One man, quoting the Four Agreements, said to me, “I know it is their issues, not mine. They have the problem, not me!” He was referring to his 3 ex-wives! He was refusing to accept responsibility for the ending of his 3 marriages, his pattern of the type of women he married, and the way he responded and treated them.

 

When someone reacts, criticizes, praises or simply gives you their opinion of you or your actions/behavior, you can respond by answering this question for yourself:

 

“Is there any truth in their statement?”

 

Recall, I asked at the beginning when someone verbally attacks you, “Do you analyze what he/she said without reacting emotionally?”

 

And there is the key: analyze what he/she said, without reacting emotionally. If there is truth to their statement, take responsibility for your thoughts, feelings and behavior. Take the appropriate action to correct the situation.

 

Take responsibility for the way you feel; take responsibility for the things you say and do.

 

Until such time that we become single cell amoebas and no longer need other human beings, we will need to take into account how we influence, impact and affect each other; we will continue to need the love, connection, significance and security which only come through relationships with other humans!

 

And if you are religious you might say, ‘my relationship with God/Jesus gives me everything I need’; and yet the Biblical teachings are to love thy neighbor and God loves you – how much more personal can it get than that?

Read more about the Four Agreements: http://patrickwanis.com/blog/its-not-about-you/ and http://patrickwanis.com/blog/why-dont-you-ever-praise-me-healthy-children/

If you want further help and support, consider a private, one-on-one session with me. Click here to book your session. http://patrickwanis.com/PhoneConsultations.asp

 

You can post your comment on this newsletter below:

 

If this newsletter was forwarded to you and would like to receive all of my newsletters please enter your email address on the home page at PatrickWanis.com.

 

I wish you the best and remind you “Believe in yourself -You deserve the best!”

 

Patrick Wanis Ph.D.

Celebrity Life Coach, Human Behavior & Relationship Expert & SRTT Therapist
www.patrickwanis.com

 

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Winning or losing? The Big 5 personality traits

August 12th, 2015
winning or losing big 5 personality traits: Charlie Sheen screamed that he is a winner.

Winning or losing? The big 5 personality traits: Charlie Sheen screamed that he is a winner.

In this week’s Success Newsletter, I would like to reveal strategies connected to winning or losing and the link between the Big Five Personality Traits and winning.

 

First a quick update:

 

 

 

 

 

  • Hypocrisy & projection – Pastor Ted Haggard publicly condemned homosexual sex but was exposed for paying a male prostitute for sex for 3 years. Josh Duggar rallied against pedophilia but was exposed for abusing his sisters. Watch the video about hypocrisy & psychological projection: https://youtu.be/DWSGB5-Cvkg


Now, let’s talk about winning or losing and the link between the Big Five Personality Traits and winning.

 

What percentage of life’s outcomes is chance?

 

What percentage of life’s outcomes is choice?

 

Are we all simply minions with no ability to determine our destiny or outcome?

 

The way you respond to these questions alone is not just a reflection of your present outcomes in life; it is a reflection of your personality which also determines and has determined your outcomes in life!

 

Simply put: you have much greater control over your life and your results than you possibly realize – or maybe you do realize!

 

For example, The Marshmallow study revealed that the ability to say “No”, to harness self-control or to delay gratification is directly linked to future success – in all areas – behavior, friendships, relationships, stress, BMI and career. Read more: http://patrickwanis.com/blog/self-control-delayed-gratification

 

“You must make a decision that you are going to move on. It won’t happen automatically. You will have to rise up and say, ‘I don’t care how hard this is, I don’t care how disappointed I am, I’m not going to let this get the best of me. I’m moving on with my life.” 
― Joel OsteenYour Best Life Now: 7 Steps to Living at Your Full Potential

 

The same principle (you have control over your outcomes and success in life) applies and is determined by not just your attitude but rather by your personality!

 

There are five basic dimensions of personality, often referred to as the Big 5 personality traits or OCEAN – openness, conscientiousness, extroversion, agreeableness, and neuroticism.

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3 Steps to rising from victim consciousness

August 5th, 2015
3 steps to rising from victim consciousness - Drew Barrymore as the victim in "Scream"

3 steps to rising from victim consciousness – Drew Barrymore as the victim in “Scream”

In this week’s Success Newsletter, I would like to reveal the 3 steps to rising from victim consciousness.

 

First a quick update:

 

Reasons not to forgive and play the victim? – When someone does something wrong to you, what is the best response? Is it okay and wise to stay bitter and not forgive him/her? After all, forgiveness might condone the wrongdoing, right? Find out in this article http://patrickwanis.com/blog/reasons-not-to-forgive-and-be-a-victim/

 

 

 

  • Ego is not a dirty word Ego is necessary for personal identity, for uniqueness. Ego is not a dirty word – ego is only unhealthy when it becomes over-inflated and one’s life begins to self-destruct. Watch the video: https://youtu.be/KEdaEqdZXL0


Now, let’s talk about the 3 steps to rising from victim consciousness.

 

The dictionary defines a victim as: one that is injured, destroyed, or sacrificed under any of various conditions; one that is subjected to oppression, hardship, or mistreatment.

 

Both above definitions incorporate the element of helplessness. To become a victim, one must first be helpless, powerless or ignorant. What a person does after having been victimized is also the topic of discussion in this article.

 

Children easily become victims because they are helpless, powerless and ignorant (they make false interpretations of events using their limited knowledge and developing brain.)

 

A child will falsely and inaccurately conclude/interpret “my parents are divorcing, it must be my fault; there must be something wrong with me.”

 

When a child is abused (verbally, physically, emotionally or mentally abused) there is very little that he/she can do about it.

 

When the same happens to an adult, he/she has many more options and choices; those choices might not be ideal or pleasant but they are still options and choices which a child does not possess.

 

Our culture is driven by the victim and hero archetypes: the hero is willing to risk his life to save the helpless victim.

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The triangle of love

July 29th, 2015
The triangle of love - intimacy, passion and commitment

The triangle of love – intimacy, passion and commitment

In this week’s Success Newsletter, I would like to discuss the Triangle of Love – Intimacy, Passion and Commitment.

 

First a quick update:

 

 

 

 

 

  • The hypocrisy of relationships We demand unconditional love; we expect it. However, do we also love unconditionally? If we expect someone to love us no matter what, can we do the same in return? Can we love someone no matter how they treat us or what they do to us? Watch the video: https://youtu.be/sv9T_7z_s_4

 

 

Now, let’s talk about the Triangle of Love – Intimacy, Passion and Commitment.

 

In my series of videos on love, I reveal that there are 6 types of love – Eros, Storge, Philia, Agape, Passionate, and Companionate Love. You can learn more about these in this video https://youtu.be/zXO86gGCacY

 

However, there are also 3 components to achieve and experience Consummate Love – the ideal love for which we all strive, the complete, whole and satisfying love:

 

Intimacy

Passion

Commitment

 

This concept is known as the Triangular Theory of Love, developed by psychologist Robert Sternberg, Professor of Human Development at Cornell University.

 

Intimacy (warm love) refers to attachment, closeness, caring, emotional support, connectedness, and bondedness.

 

Passion (hot love) refers to states of emotional and physiological arousal – intense emotional experiences and sexual attraction.

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Focus on the solution, not the problem

July 22nd, 2015
focus on the solution not the problem

Focus on the solution, not the problem

In this week’s Success Newsletter, I would like to discuss the significance and power of focusing on the solution.

 

First a quick update:

 

  • The antidote to fear – Everyone experiences fear and sometimes it can be crippling or it can be based on false thoughts and triggered by false evidence – also known as the Amygdala Hijack. Find out how to overcome fear in this article 

 

 

  • Female hysteria & the origins of the vibrator 19th century doctors and psychologists believed that women were victims of physical, mental and emotional symptoms & disorders because there was something wrong with their uterus! Watch the video: https://youtu.be/5N1XddfQd2I


Now, let’s talk about the significance and power of focusing on the solution.

 

Problems occur. Things go wrong. Plans don’t work out. Accidents happen.

 

That is one of the realities of life.

 

Worse than the problem is the way we choose to respond to it. Most of us will typically focus on how awful the problem is – how painful it is.

 

The better response is to focus on how to solve the problem.

 

This is referred to as Problem-focused thinking VS Solution-focused thinking.

 

Focusing only on the problem literally infers you are focusing on the pain, the negative aspect of the problem. Focusing on the solution literally infers you are focusing on the benefits of transforming the problem into something positive, constructive and beneficial.

 

Of course, you cannot focus on the solution without recognizing that there is an actual problem.

 

Let me use a real-life story as an example:

 

A woman decides to purchase a product online from Best Buy. She calls Best Buy to ask questions about the product. She is now ready to buy the $600 product of which there is only one remaining, and she decides she wants to use her Best Buy credit card so that she will pay no interest for 12 months. However, she cannot find her card, so the salesperson transfers her to the Best Buy credit card department. Read the rest of this entry »

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The Fear of love

July 16th, 2015
The fear of love and to love

The fear of love

In this week’s Success Newsletter, I would like to discuss the fear of love.

First a quick update:

 

 

  • Who made you who you are today? – What do you do and what gift or talent do you have that might even be attributable to a painful past? That’s right and true, sometimes a bad experience can help mold us into a more skilled person; sometimes a bad experience can encourage our greater talents to emerge. http://patrickwanis.com/blog/who-made-you-who-you-are-today

 

 

  • 6 Different types of love and passion There are so many different perceptions, interpretations and definitions of love. However, did you know that there are actually 6 different kinds or forms of love? Watch the video: https://youtu.be/zXO86gGCacY


 

Now, let’s talk about the fear of love.

 

Love is probably the most popular topic in all of literature, poetry, music and art.

 

In fact, researchers at North Carolina State University studied the No. 1 Billboard “Hot 100″ hit songs of the 50 years (January 1960 to December 2009) and discovered 12 recurring key themes; love, in its many forms dominates the list:

 

  1. Loss
  2. Desire
  3. Aspiration
  4. Nostalgia
  5. Pain
  6. Breakup
  7. Rebellion
  8. Inspiration
  9. Jadedness
  10. Escapism
  11. Desperation
  12. Confusion

 

Perhaps love is the most popular topic throughout history because it is one of our most natural states and experiences. Here I am referring to love as a variety of different feelings, states, and attitudes. The other most natural human state is the desire for survival which thus also triggers fear; our hardwired fear responses are designed to protect us and ensure our survival.

 

“When you love a person all fear disappears. And when you are afraid all love disappears.”
– Osho

 

We are born with only 2 fears – falling and loud noises. Every other psychological fear is a learned response. And it is fear that is the opposite of love because fear prevents us from loving. You cannot love someone when you are afraid of him/her; you cannot open your heart or express love when you are in a state of fear; you cannot allow someone to get close to you, to be intimate with you, when you are in fear.

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7 Steps to value yourself

July 8th, 2015
7 steps to value yourself

7 Steps to value yourself

In this week’s Success Newsletter, I would like to reveal 7 steps to value yourself.

 

First a quick update:

 

 

 

 

  • The link between thrill seeking and cheating – Thrill seekers are prone to cheating as a way to satisfy their need to take risks. Watch the video: https://youtu.be/fxT5PoepK74

Now, let’s talk about the 7 steps to value yourself.

 

In last week’s Success Newsletter, “Do you value yourself?”, I explained that to value yourself implies that “you are important, worthy, useful, significant or beneficial”, and I said that you can determine if you value yourself by the ways you allow others to treat you.

 

“Remember, we teach others how to treat us…The value you give to yourself is the same value others will give to you.”

 

How do you value yourself? Here are the 7 steps:

 

Step 1 – What you don’t want

List in your life the areas where you believe family, friends and colleagues have not been valuing you. Do they respect you, your time and your talent? For example, note the way that people speak to you: do they cuss? Are they angry? Do they communicate frequently? Do they include you in conversations and decisions? Are they punctual? Do they ask or do they simply take and use your possessions?

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