The triangle of love

July 29th, 2015
The triangle of love - intimacy, passion and commitment

The triangle of love – intimacy, passion and commitment

In this week’s Success Newsletter, I would like to discuss the Triangle of Love – Intimacy, Passion and Commitment.

 

First a quick update:

 

 

 

 

 

  • The hypocrisy of relationships We demand unconditional love; we expect it. However, do we also love unconditionally? If we expect someone to love us no matter what, can we do the same in return? Can we love someone no matter how they treat us or what they do to us? Watch the video: https://youtu.be/sv9T_7z_s_4

 

 

Now, let’s talk about the Triangle of Love – Intimacy, Passion and Commitment.

 

In my series of videos on love, I reveal that there are 6 types of love – Eros, Storge, Philia, Agape, Passionate, and Companionate Love. You can learn more about these in this video https://youtu.be/zXO86gGCacY

 

However, there are also 3 components to achieve and experience Consummate Love – the ideal love for which we all strive, the complete, whole and satisfying love:

 

Intimacy

Passion

Commitment

 

This concept is known as the Triangular Theory of Love, developed by psychologist Robert Sternberg, Professor of Human Development at Cornell University.

 

Intimacy (warm love) refers to attachment, closeness, caring, emotional support, connectedness, and bondedness.

 

Passion (hot love) refers to states of emotional and physiological arousal – intense emotional experiences and sexual attraction.

Read the rest of this entry »

VN:F [1.9.22_1171]
Rating: 5.0/5 (2 votes cast)
VN:F [1.9.22_1171]
Rating: 0 (from 0 votes)

Focus on the solution, not the problem

July 22nd, 2015
focus on the solution not the problem

Focus on the solution, not the problem

In this week’s Success Newsletter, I would like to discuss the significance and power of focusing on the solution.

 

First a quick update:

 

  • The antidote to fear – Everyone experiences fear and sometimes it can be crippling or it can be based on false thoughts and triggered by false evidence – also known as the Amygdala Hijack. Find out how to overcome fear in this article 

 

 

  • Female hysteria & the origins of the vibrator 19th century doctors and psychologists believed that women were victims of physical, mental and emotional symptoms & disorders because there was something wrong with their uterus! Watch the video: https://youtu.be/5N1XddfQd2I


Now, let’s talk about the significance and power of focusing on the solution.

 

Problems occur. Things go wrong. Plans don’t work out. Accidents happen.

 

That is one of the realities of life.

 

Worse than the problem is the way we choose to respond to it. Most of us will typically focus on how awful the problem is – how painful it is.

 

The better response is to focus on how to solve the problem.

 

This is referred to as Problem-focused thinking VS Solution-focused thinking.

 

Focusing only on the problem literally infers you are focusing on the pain, the negative aspect of the problem. Focusing on the solution literally infers you are focusing on the benefits of transforming the problem into something positive, constructive and beneficial.

 

Of course, you cannot focus on the solution without recognizing that there is an actual problem.

 

Let me use a real-life story as an example:

 

A woman decides to purchase a product online from Best Buy. She calls Best Buy to ask questions about the product. She is now ready to buy the $600 product of which there is only one remaining, and she decides she wants to use her Best Buy credit card so that she will pay no interest for 12 months. However, she cannot find her card, so the salesperson transfers her to the Best Buy credit card department. Read the rest of this entry »

VN:F [1.9.22_1171]
Rating: 5.0/5 (1 vote cast)
VN:F [1.9.22_1171]
Rating: 0 (from 0 votes)

The Fear of love

July 16th, 2015
The fear of love and to love

The fear of love

In this week’s Success Newsletter, I would like to discuss the fear of love.

First a quick update:

 

 

  • Who made you who you are today? – What do you do and what gift or talent do you have that might even be attributable to a painful past? That’s right and true, sometimes a bad experience can help mold us into a more skilled person; sometimes a bad experience can encourage our greater talents to emerge. http://patrickwanis.com/blog/who-made-you-who-you-are-today

 

 

  • 6 Different types of love and passion There are so many different perceptions, interpretations and definitions of love. However, did you know that there are actually 6 different kinds or forms of love? Watch the video: https://youtu.be/zXO86gGCacY


 

Now, let’s talk about the fear of love.

 

Love is probably the most popular topic in all of literature, poetry, music and art.

 

In fact, researchers at North Carolina State University studied the No. 1 Billboard “Hot 100″ hit songs of the 50 years (January 1960 to December 2009) and discovered 12 recurring key themes; love, in its many forms dominates the list:

 

  1. Loss
  2. Desire
  3. Aspiration
  4. Nostalgia
  5. Pain
  6. Breakup
  7. Rebellion
  8. Inspiration
  9. Jadedness
  10. Escapism
  11. Desperation
  12. Confusion

 

Perhaps love is the most popular topic throughout history because it is one of our most natural states and experiences. Here I am referring to love as a variety of different feelings, states, and attitudes. The other most natural human state is the desire for survival which thus also triggers fear; our hardwired fear responses are designed to protect us and ensure our survival.

 

“When you love a person all fear disappears. And when you are afraid all love disappears.”
– Osho

 

We are born with only 2 fears – falling and loud noises. Every other psychological fear is a learned response. And it is fear that is the opposite of love because fear prevents us from loving. You cannot love someone when you are afraid of him/her; you cannot open your heart or express love when you are in a state of fear; you cannot allow someone to get close to you, to be intimate with you, when you are in fear.

Read the rest of this entry »

VN:F [1.9.22_1171]
Rating: 5.0/5 (2 votes cast)
VN:F [1.9.22_1171]
Rating: 0 (from 0 votes)

7 Steps to value yourself

July 8th, 2015
7 steps to value yourself

7 Steps to value yourself

In this week’s Success Newsletter, I would like to reveal 7 steps to value yourself.

 

First a quick update:

 

 

 

 

  • The link between thrill seeking and cheating – Thrill seekers are prone to cheating as a way to satisfy their need to take risks. Watch the video: https://youtu.be/fxT5PoepK74

Now, let’s talk about the 7 steps to value yourself.

 

In last week’s Success Newsletter, “Do you value yourself?”, I explained that to value yourself implies that “you are important, worthy, useful, significant or beneficial”, and I said that you can determine if you value yourself by the ways you allow others to treat you.

 

“Remember, we teach others how to treat us…The value you give to yourself is the same value others will give to you.”

 

How do you value yourself? Here are the 7 steps:

 

Step 1 – What you don’t want

List in your life the areas where you believe family, friends and colleagues have not been valuing you. Do they respect you, your time and your talent? For example, note the way that people speak to you: do they cuss? Are they angry? Do they communicate frequently? Do they include you in conversations and decisions? Are they punctual? Do they ask or do they simply take and use your possessions?

Read the rest of this entry »

VN:F [1.9.22_1171]
Rating: 5.0/5 (1 vote cast)
VN:F [1.9.22_1171]
Rating: +2 (from 2 votes)

Do you value yourself?

July 2nd, 2015
Do you value yourself

Do you value yourself?

In this week’s Success Newsletter, I would like to reveal how to clearly determine whether or not you truly value yourself.

 

First a quick update:

 

 

 

  • Follow me on Twitter– You can now choose to follow me and receive a few words of wisdom on Twitter: @Behavior_Expert   https://twitter.com/Behavior_Expert
  • Why do you always need to be right? – What is the real cause of needing to be right? Do you or someone you know always need to be right? Here are 7 signs of trying to be right and the real cause of needing to be right. Watch the video: https://youtu.be/-UGt31l9BN8

Now, let’s talk about how to clearly determine whether or not you truly value yourself.

 

The dictionary defines value as “the regard that something is held to deserve; the importance, worth, or usefulness of something.” It defines the verb to value as “to consider (someone or something) to be important or beneficial.”

 

So here are some questions to contemplate:

 

Do you believe you are important, worthy or useful?

 

Do you believe that you are significant and beneficial?

 

Your first response might be, “Of course, I do” or “I am not sure; how would I know if I value myself?”

 

The way to determine whether or not you believe that you are important, worthy, useful, significant or beneficial is to simply determine how you allow others to treat you.

 

Remember, we teach others how to treat us.

 

The value you give to yourself is the same value others will give to you.

 

If someone disrespects you, it is their doing. However, once that person disrespects you a second or third time, it is because you have allowed it to happen.

 

The point here is not to beat yourself up for allowing them to disrespect you. Rather, the point is to become aware that you are not a victim and you have more power than you realized over your life and more power than you realized over the way other people will treat you and respond to you.

Read the rest of this entry »

VN:F [1.9.22_1171]
Rating: 5.0/5 (2 votes cast)
VN:F [1.9.22_1171]
Rating: 0 (from 0 votes)

Links to personal health – spend less for medical care

June 29th, 2015
Links to personal health - spend less for medical care

Links to personal health – spend less for medical care

Very few people really appreciate the value of health until the moment they get really ill.

I recall at age 18, standing on platform of a train station and observing people rushing to work, when I thought to myself “all of these people are spending all of their health to get wealth and one day, they will be spending all of their wealth to try and get back their health.”

Truly, your personal health  is priceless. And the only way to take care of your health is to take care of yourself on 4 levels – Mental, Emotional, Physical and Spiritual.

Mental – nourish your thoughts and beliefs

Emotional – nourish your relationships with yourself and others

Physical – nourish your physical body (food, exercise, yoga, etc.)

Spiritual – nourish your purpose – live with passion, make a difference, give back to others.

 

The list below is a series of links to articles and resources compiled by Patricia Sarmiento “Putting the Public Back in Public Health” of http://publichealthcorps.org/ with the intention of helping you to take better care of yourself and family, live longer lives and spend less on medical care.

 

 

12 Simple Ways to Save Money on Healthcare
http://money.usnews.com/money/personal-finance/articles/2015/01/30/12-simple-ways-to-save-money-on-health-care

 

Be Active. National Council on Fitness, Sports & Nutrition
http://www.fitness.gov/be-active/

 

Health Risk & Fitness Assessments
http://www.calculators.org/health/

 

Tips For Eating Healthy While Eating Out
http://www.choosemyplate.gov/healthy-eating-tips/tips-for-eating-out.html

 

Travel workout: Fitness tips for business travelers
http://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/adult-health/in-depth/exercise/art-20044177

 

NIEHS Allergens & Irritants Guide
http://www.niehs.nih.gov/health/topics/agents/allergens/

 

The Guide to Animal and Insect Allergen-Free Homes
http://www.cleanitsupply.com/t/The_Guide_to_Animal_and_Insect_Allergen-Free_Homes.aspx

 

Toxic Chemicals In Your Home
http://www.cehn.org/education/toxic_products

 

The Ultimate Guide to Pool Chemical Safety for Kids
http://www.saveonpoolsupplies.com/landing/the-ultimate-guide-to-pool-chemical-safety-for-kids.aspx

 

VN:F [1.9.22_1171]
Rating: 5.0/5 (1 vote cast)
VN:F [1.9.22_1171]
Rating: 0 (from 0 votes)

8 Steps to bounce back from failure

June 24th, 2015
8 steps to bouncing back from failure

8 steps to bouncing back from failure

In this week’s Success Newsletter, I would like to reveal the 8 steps to bounce back from failure.

 

First a quick update:

 

  • 7 Steps to coping with change – We cannot run or hide from change – nothing really ever remains the same. Read about how to master the 7 steps to cope with change http://patrickwanis.com/blog/7-steps-coping-change/
  • Follow me on Twitter– You can now choose to follow me and receive a few words of wisdom on Twitter: @Behavior_Expert   https://twitter.com/Behavior_Expert
  • Cheating – beware of emotional bonding & lack of self-control – There are many motivations for cheating. One of them is lack of self-control and another is emotional bonding. Watch the video as I reveal how turning to a woman other than your partner for support can result in an affair: https://youtu.be/O_YPMV5qtpw

Now, let’s talk about the 8 steps to bounce back from failure.

The dictionary defines failure as a lack of success.

What is success, though?

Success is the realization of a goal or set of goals.

Thus, failure is simply the lack of realization a goal or the loss of a once attained goal.

Those goals could be family, marriage, love, career, house, finances, travel and so forth.

Maybe you had a family and it is now gone. Maybe you had love and that is now gone. Maybe you had wealth and it is now gone. Maybe you had the ideal job and that is now gone.

What are you left with now?

For most people, what is left is a sense of failure and in turn, hopelessness, depression, isolation, paralysis, and so forth.

So how can one bounce back from ‘failure’?

Here are the 8 steps to shift from failure to success.

“Only those who dare to fail greatly can ever achieve greatly.”
– Robert F. Kennedy

 

1. The thwarted goal
What is it that you wanted that you now believe is out of reach or no longer achievable? What is it that you had that you now believe you lost?

 

2. The emotional consequences
What do you feel? List the emotions – sadness, loss, anger, depression, desperation, guilt, shame, humiliation, and so forth.

Read the rest of this entry »

VN:F [1.9.22_1171]
Rating: 5.0/5 (3 votes cast)
VN:F [1.9.22_1171]
Rating: 0 (from 0 votes)

7 steps to fill emotional void

June 17th, 2015
7 steps to fill emotional void

7 steps to fill emotional void

In this week’s Success Newsletter, I would like to reveal 7 steps to fill that emotional void.

First a quick update:

 

  • Link between Power, Sex & Cheating – There are many motivations for cheating. One of the top motivations is power. Watch the video as I reveal how power corrupts and offers many opportunities and temptations to cheat: https://youtu.be/n-Itu6EOV9I

Now, let’s talk about 7 steps to fill that emotional void.

 

A void is a completely empty space.

 

An emotional void is the empty space that lacks meaningful emotion.

 

An emotional void can be described various ways – numbness, a sense of nothingness, lack of excitement, lack of purpose, hopelessness, isolation, and feelings of being disconnected, lost or confused.

 

Some people experience emotional voids with negative thoughts, ruminations and racing thoughts.

 

“Today, the experience of nothingness is simply a fact: many of us have it… what shall I do with it?”

― Michael Novak, Experience of Nothingness

 

Generally speaking, we have 6 human emotional needs – love & connection, challenges, security, significance, growth, meaning & purpose. When those needs are not met, we experience an emotional void.

 

Children, however, have many more additional needs – attention, physical touch & affection, to be seen and heard (feeling visible, significant and understood), validation, praise, direction, encouragement, acceptance, approval, belonging, quantity and quality time, and so forth.

 

When those needs are not met in childhood, there will be emotional voids in adulthood. In other words, most of the emotional voids we experience as adults are the result of not having our emotional needs satisfied when we were children.

Read the rest of this entry »

VN:F [1.9.22_1171]
Rating: 5.0/5 (2 votes cast)
VN:F [1.9.22_1171]
Rating: 0 (from 0 votes)

The White desire to be Black – money & victimhood

June 12th, 2015
The white desire to be black -  money & victimhood. Rachel Dolezal lied about being black

The white desire to be black – money & victimhood. Rachel Dolezal lied about being black and changed her appearance

What makes a white woman desire to be black?

 

Money, attention, victimhood, power and fame!

 

First, it was Australian hip-hop artist, blonde-haired Iggy Azalea, who put on a heavy Southern accent & voice to sound like a black artist and now it is a civil rights activist, a white girl who has lied about her race and lied about being oppressed, harassed and having to hunt for food as a child using a bow and arrow.

 

Rachel Dolezal is president of the Spokane chapter of the NAACP, chair of the city’s Office of Police Ombudsman Commission, and an adjunct professor at Eastern Washington University. Rachel Dolezal lied and fooled the world by saying she is black when she is not!

 

Rachel Dolezal’s mother, Ruthanne Dolezal, exposed the lie and says that after she and her husband (both Caucasian) adopted four African-American children, Rachel Dolezal began to “disguise herself” as African-American.

 

Why would Rachel do this and create lies about racist threats being made against her, including nooses found near her home?

 

Victimhood as a means to get attention, recognition, power and control.

 

Rachel Dolezal could have simply stated that while she is Caucasian she identifies with the black culture and ethnicity without deceiving people by masking her appearance, making lies that she is black and fabricating that she suffered hate crimes, that she had to use bows and arrows to hunt for her own food or that she lived in South Africa. She even created fake hate mail and placed it in her own PO Box.

 

Rachel Dolezal had a job at Eastern Washington University teaching about the experience of being a black woman, something she obviously knows nothing about.

 

Rachel Dolezal didn’t simply identify with the black culture, she lied and used it as a way to get sympathy, intense attention, recognition, opportunities. She received a full scholarship from Howard University on the basis that they believed she is black.

 

Rachel Dolezal was not interested in being an activist – she was more concerned with power:  In her application for the Spokane Police Oversight Committee, Rachel Dolezal lied and said she is “African-American, Native American, German, Czech, Swedish, Jewish and Arabic.”  The only motive for this lie is power and significance!

 

Playing victim in adulthood gave Dolezal the opportunity to get recognition and to be granted positions of power and influence. There is no inherent difference between a black and female body, nor psychological differences at birth. The only real differences occur as a result of societal programming and the treatment of blacks and whites.

 

And she went to great lengths to hide the truth, telling the world she has a black father and even asking her adopted mixed brother, Ezra Dolezal “not to blow her cover.” Ezra says, “It’s kind of a slap in the face to African-Americans because she doesn’t know what it’s like to be black. She’s only been African-American when it benefited her. She hasn’t been through all the struggles.”

 

Ezra believes that his sister “might have developed some self-hatred” when she was at Howard University and they “saw she was white and she wasn’t treated that well.”

 

Rachel Dolezal realized she would have more to benefit by lying and claiming to be a black victim of hate crimes and suffering in extreme poverty as a child.

 

People will go to extreme lengths and measures to receive empathy and attention, such as Munchausen Syndrome where people fake terminal illnesses and psychological trauma. Rachel Dolezal faked being black along with fake psychological trauma and suffering in order to play the victim, get empathy, a professorship, and various positions of power and influence!

Further,  some people have an extraordinary ability to deceive themselves and then proceed to live the lies that they create.

“When she applied [to Howard University] they thought she was a black student. When she came there, they saw she was white and she wasn’t treated that well, especially by people that worked there. She probably started developing this kind of dislike for being white and dislike for white people. She used to tell Izaiah … that all white people are racists. She might have developed some self-hatred.” – Ezra Dolezal

 

“It’s not about race, it’s about integrity. If you’re a leader, you have to have integrity. She clearly lacks integrity. The other piece is credibility.” – Kitara Johnson, a member of the Spokane NAACP chapter, who also organized an online petition calling for Dolezal to take a leave of absence.

 


Talking points
* Iggy Azalea using the black culture for her own gain:
Iggy Azalea, whose thick southern US-accent, coterie of black dancers, practised booty shaking and machine-gun raps about “lettin’ you know what da fuck I been through” sit somewhat at odds with her pale skin, blond hair and Australian origins. http://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2015/jun/21/rachel-dolezal-ali-g-blacking-up 
* Does Transracial exist? Is race as fluid as gender?
* Does Rachel Dolezal suffer from something similar to Munchausen Syndrome (faking an illness to get attention and sympathy)?
* How do we form our identity?
*What is wrong with a white woman identifying with another race?
* The differences between race and ethnicity
* What is the effect on black culture with a white woman lying about being black?
* The dangers of trying to victimize oneself
* How did Iggy Azalea’s white race help her to become successful in a black male dominated music industry of hip-hop?

VN:F [1.9.22_1171]
Rating: 5.0/5 (2 votes cast)
VN:F [1.9.22_1171]
Rating: 0 (from 0 votes)

Victim, Rescuer & Persecutor – overcoming manipulation & control

June 10th, 2015
Victim, Rescuer, Persecutor - overcoming manipulation and control

Victim, Rescuer, Persecutor – overcoming manipulation and control

In this week’s Success Newsletter, I would like to reveal how to overcome manipulation and control – identifying and releasing the roles of Rescuer, Victim & Persecutor.

 

First a quick update:

 

  • Taming the male – “Men will fail and will remain as eternal immature men unless women intervene and help them to mature, grow and realize their potential; the woman’s job and purpose is to tame the male.” Whose message is that? Read my article: http://patrickwanis.com/blog/taming-the-male/

 

 

 

Now, let’s talk about how to overcome manipulation and control – identifying and releasing the roles of Rescuer, Victim & Persecutor.

 

What role do you play in relationships?

 

Before you answer with “I am just me”, consider carefully the dynamics of your relationships:

 

How do you behave and respond to others? What is expected of you and what do you expect of others? Who are you in each of your relationships? How would you describe the role you play?

 

In healthy and fulfilling relationships, each person takes responsibility for him/herself, expresses and receives love openly, and avoids trying to control and manipulate the other person.

 

In unhealthy relationships, roles are assumed and the drama dynamic is formed where three key roles are used to control and manipulate: Rescuer, Victim and Persecutor.

 

Before explaining this relationship dynamic known as “The Drama Triangle”, let me begin by clearly stating that the intention of each of these roles is to manipulate and control in order to get love – albeit it in a dysfunctional and completely unsatisfying manner.

Read the rest of this entry »

VN:F [1.9.22_1171]
Rating: 5.0/5 (3 votes cast)
VN:F [1.9.22_1171]
Rating: 0 (from 0 votes)