Do you value yourself?

July 2nd, 2015
Do you value yourself

Do you value yourself?

In this week’s Success Newsletter, I would like to reveal how to clearly determine whether or not you truly value yourself.

 

First a quick update:

 

 

 

  • Follow me on Twitter– You can now choose to follow me and receive a few words of wisdom on Twitter: @Behavior_Expert   https://twitter.com/Behavior_Expert
  • Why do you always need to be right? – What is the real cause of needing to be right? Do you or someone you know always need to be right? Here are 7 signs of trying to be right and the real cause of needing to be right. Watch the video: https://youtu.be/-UGt31l9BN8

Now, let’s talk about how to clearly determine whether or not you truly value yourself.

 

The dictionary defines value as “the regard that something is held to deserve; the importance, worth, or usefulness of something.” It defines the verb to value as “to consider (someone or something) to be important or beneficial.”

 

So here are some questions to contemplate:

 

Do you believe you are important, worthy or useful?

 

Do you believe that you are significant and beneficial?

 

Your first response might be, “Of course, I do” or “I am not sure; how would I know if I value myself?”

 

The way to determine whether or not you believe that you are important, worthy, useful, significant or beneficial is to simply determine how you allow others to treat you.

 

Remember, we teach others how to treat us.

 

The value you give to yourself is the same value others will give to you.

 

If someone disrespects you, it is their doing. However, once that person disrespects you a second or third time, it is because you have allowed it to happen.

 

The point here is not to beat yourself up for allowing them to disrespect you. Rather, the point is to become aware that you are not a victim and you have more power than you realized over your life and more power than you realized over the way other people will treat you and respond to you.

Read the rest of this entry »

VN:F [1.9.22_1171]
Rating: 5.0/5 (2 votes cast)
VN:F [1.9.22_1171]
Rating: 0 (from 0 votes)

Links to personal health – spend less for medical care

June 29th, 2015
Links to personal health - spend less for medical care

Links to personal health – spend less for medical care

Very few people really appreciate the value of health until the moment they get really ill.

I recall at age 18, standing on platform of a train station and observing people rushing to work, when I thought to myself “all of these people are spending all of their health to get wealth and one day, they will be spending all of their wealth to try and get back their health.”

Truly, your personal health  is priceless. And the only way to take care of your health is to take care of yourself on 4 levels – Mental, Emotional, Physical and Spiritual.

Mental – nourish your thoughts and beliefs

Emotional – nourish your relationships with yourself and others

Physical – nourish your physical body (food, exercise, yoga, etc.)

Spiritual – nourish your purpose – live with passion, make a difference, give back to others.

 

The list below is a series of links to articles and resources compiled by Patricia Sarmiento “Putting the Public Back in Public Health” of http://publichealthcorps.org/ with the intention of helping you to take better care of yourself and family, live longer lives and spend less on medical care.

 

 

12 Simple Ways to Save Money on Healthcare
http://money.usnews.com/money/personal-finance/articles/2015/01/30/12-simple-ways-to-save-money-on-health-care

 

Be Active. National Council on Fitness, Sports & Nutrition
http://www.fitness.gov/be-active/

 

Health Risk & Fitness Assessments
http://www.calculators.org/health/

 

Tips For Eating Healthy While Eating Out
http://www.choosemyplate.gov/healthy-eating-tips/tips-for-eating-out.html

 

Travel workout: Fitness tips for business travelers
http://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/adult-health/in-depth/exercise/art-20044177

 

NIEHS Allergens & Irritants Guide
http://www.niehs.nih.gov/health/topics/agents/allergens/

 

The Guide to Animal and Insect Allergen-Free Homes
http://www.cleanitsupply.com/t/The_Guide_to_Animal_and_Insect_Allergen-Free_Homes.aspx

 

Toxic Chemicals In Your Home
http://www.cehn.org/education/toxic_products

 

The Ultimate Guide to Pool Chemical Safety for Kids
http://www.saveonpoolsupplies.com/landing/the-ultimate-guide-to-pool-chemical-safety-for-kids.aspx

 

VN:F [1.9.22_1171]
Rating: 5.0/5 (1 vote cast)
VN:F [1.9.22_1171]
Rating: 0 (from 0 votes)

8 Steps to bounce back from failure

June 24th, 2015
8 steps to bouncing back from failure

8 steps to bouncing back from failure

In this week’s Success Newsletter, I would like to reveal the 8 steps to bounce back from failure.

 

First a quick update:

 

  • 7 Steps to coping with change – We cannot run or hide from change – nothing really ever remains the same. Read about how to master the 7 steps to cope with change http://patrickwanis.com/blog/7-steps-coping-change/
  • Follow me on Twitter– You can now choose to follow me and receive a few words of wisdom on Twitter: @Behavior_Expert   https://twitter.com/Behavior_Expert
  • Cheating – beware of emotional bonding & lack of self-control – There are many motivations for cheating. One of them is lack of self-control and another is emotional bonding. Watch the video as I reveal how turning to a woman other than your partner for support can result in an affair: https://youtu.be/O_YPMV5qtpw

Now, let’s talk about the 8 steps to bounce back from failure.

The dictionary defines failure as a lack of success.

What is success, though?

Success is the realization of a goal or set of goals.

Thus, failure is simply the lack of realization a goal or the loss of a once attained goal.

Those goals could be family, marriage, love, career, house, finances, travel and so forth.

Maybe you had a family and it is now gone. Maybe you had love and that is now gone. Maybe you had wealth and it is now gone. Maybe you had the ideal job and that is now gone.

What are you left with now?

For most people, what is left is a sense of failure and in turn, hopelessness, depression, isolation, paralysis, and so forth.

So how can one bounce back from ‘failure’?

Here are the 8 steps to shift from failure to success.

“Only those who dare to fail greatly can ever achieve greatly.”
– Robert F. Kennedy

 

1. The thwarted goal
What is it that you wanted that you now believe is out of reach or no longer achievable? What is it that you had that you now believe you lost?

 

2. The emotional consequences
What do you feel? List the emotions – sadness, loss, anger, depression, desperation, guilt, shame, humiliation, and so forth.

Read the rest of this entry »

VN:F [1.9.22_1171]
Rating: 5.0/5 (3 votes cast)
VN:F [1.9.22_1171]
Rating: 0 (from 0 votes)

7 steps to fill emotional void

June 17th, 2015
7 steps to fill emotional void

7 steps to fill emotional void

In this week’s Success Newsletter, I would like to reveal 7 steps to fill that emotional void.

First a quick update:

 

  • Link between Power, Sex & Cheating – There are many motivations for cheating. One of the top motivations is power. Watch the video as I reveal how power corrupts and offers many opportunities and temptations to cheat: https://youtu.be/n-Itu6EOV9I

Now, let’s talk about 7 steps to fill that emotional void.

 

A void is a completely empty space.

 

An emotional void is the empty space that lacks meaningful emotion.

 

An emotional void can be described various ways – numbness, a sense of nothingness, lack of excitement, lack of purpose, hopelessness, isolation, and feelings of being disconnected, lost or confused.

 

Some people experience emotional voids with negative thoughts, ruminations and racing thoughts.

 

“Today, the experience of nothingness is simply a fact: many of us have it… what shall I do with it?”

― Michael Novak, Experience of Nothingness

 

Generally speaking, we have 6 human emotional needs – love & connection, challenges, security, significance, growth, meaning & purpose. When those needs are not met, we experience an emotional void.

 

Children, however, have many more additional needs – attention, physical touch & affection, to be seen and heard (feeling visible, significant and understood), validation, praise, direction, encouragement, acceptance, approval, belonging, quantity and quality time, and so forth.

 

When those needs are not met in childhood, there will be emotional voids in adulthood. In other words, most of the emotional voids we experience as adults are the result of not having our emotional needs satisfied when we were children.

Read the rest of this entry »

VN:F [1.9.22_1171]
Rating: 5.0/5 (2 votes cast)
VN:F [1.9.22_1171]
Rating: 0 (from 0 votes)

The White desire to be Black – money & victimhood

June 12th, 2015
The white desire to be black -  money & victimhood. Rachel Dolezal lied about being black

The white desire to be black – money & victimhood. Rachel Dolezal lied about being black and changed her appearance

What makes a white woman desire to be black?

 

Money, attention, victimhood, power and fame!

 

First, it was Australian hip-hop artist, blonde-haired Iggy Azalea, who put on a heavy Southern accent & voice to sound like a black artist and now it is a civil rights activist, a white girl who has lied about her race and lied about being oppressed, harassed and having to hunt for food as a child using a bow and arrow.

 

Rachel Dolezal is president of the Spokane chapter of the NAACP, chair of the city’s Office of Police Ombudsman Commission, and an adjunct professor at Eastern Washington University. Rachel Dolezal lied and fooled the world by saying she is black when she is not!

 

Rachel Dolezal’s mother, Ruthanne Dolezal, exposed the lie and says that after she and her husband (both Caucasian) adopted four African-American children, Rachel Dolezal began to “disguise herself” as African-American.

 

Why would Rachel do this and create lies about racist threats being made against her, including nooses found near her home?

 

Victimhood as a means to get attention, recognition, power and control.

 

Rachel Dolezal could have simply stated that while she is Caucasian she identifies with the black culture and ethnicity without deceiving people by masking her appearance, making lies that she is black and fabricating that she suffered hate crimes, that she had to use bows and arrows to hunt for her own food or that she lived in South Africa. She even created fake hate mail and placed it in her own PO Box.

 

Rachel Dolezal had a job at Eastern Washington University teaching about the experience of being a black woman, something she obviously knows nothing about.

 

Rachel Dolezal didn’t simply identify with the black culture, she lied and used it as a way to get sympathy, intense attention, recognition, opportunities. She received a full scholarship from Howard University on the basis that they believed she is black.

 

Rachel Dolezal was not interested in being an activist – she was more concerned with power:  In her application for the Spokane Police Oversight Committee, Rachel Dolezal lied and said she is “African-American, Native American, German, Czech, Swedish, Jewish and Arabic.”  The only motive for this lie is power and significance!

 

Playing victim in adulthood gave Dolezal the opportunity to get recognition and to be granted positions of power and influence. There is no inherent difference between a black and female body, nor psychological differences at birth. The only real differences occur as a result of societal programming and the treatment of blacks and whites.

 

And she went to great lengths to hide the truth, telling the world she has a black father and even asking her adopted mixed brother, Ezra Dolezal “not to blow her cover.” Ezra says, “It’s kind of a slap in the face to African-Americans because she doesn’t know what it’s like to be black. She’s only been African-American when it benefited her. She hasn’t been through all the struggles.”

 

Ezra believes that his sister “might have developed some self-hatred” when she was at Howard University and they “saw she was white and she wasn’t treated that well.”

 

Rachel Dolezal realized she would have more to benefit by lying and claiming to be a black victim of hate crimes and suffering in extreme poverty as a child.

 

People will go to extreme lengths and measures to receive empathy and attention, such as Munchausen Syndrome where people fake terminal illnesses and psychological trauma. Rachel Dolezal faked being black along with fake psychological trauma and suffering in order to play the victim, get empathy, a professorship, and various positions of power and influence!

Further,  some people have an extraordinary ability to deceive themselves and then proceed to live the lies that they create.

“When she applied [to Howard University] they thought she was a black student. When she came there, they saw she was white and she wasn’t treated that well, especially by people that worked there. She probably started developing this kind of dislike for being white and dislike for white people. She used to tell Izaiah … that all white people are racists. She might have developed some self-hatred.” – Ezra Dolezal

 

“It’s not about race, it’s about integrity. If you’re a leader, you have to have integrity. She clearly lacks integrity. The other piece is credibility.” – Kitara Johnson, a member of the Spokane NAACP chapter, who also organized an online petition calling for Dolezal to take a leave of absence.

 


Talking points
* Iggy Azalea using the black culture for her own gain:
Iggy Azalea, whose thick southern US-accent, coterie of black dancers, practised booty shaking and machine-gun raps about “lettin’ you know what da fuck I been through” sit somewhat at odds with her pale skin, blond hair and Australian origins. http://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2015/jun/21/rachel-dolezal-ali-g-blacking-up 
* Does Transracial exist? Is race as fluid as gender?
* Does Rachel Dolezal suffer from something similar to Munchausen Syndrome (faking an illness to get attention and sympathy)?
* How do we form our identity?
*What is wrong with a white woman identifying with another race?
* The differences between race and ethnicity
* What is the effect on black culture with a white woman lying about being black?
* The dangers of trying to victimize oneself
* How did Iggy Azalea’s white race help her to become successful in a black male dominated music industry of hip-hop?

VN:F [1.9.22_1171]
Rating: 5.0/5 (2 votes cast)
VN:F [1.9.22_1171]
Rating: 0 (from 0 votes)

Victim, Rescuer & Persecutor – overcoming manipulation & control

June 10th, 2015
Victim, Rescuer, Persecutor - overcoming manipulation and control

Victim, Rescuer, Persecutor – overcoming manipulation and control

In this week’s Success Newsletter, I would like to reveal how to overcome manipulation and control – identifying and releasing the roles of Rescuer, Victim & Persecutor.

 

First a quick update:

 

  • Taming the male – “Men will fail and will remain as eternal immature men unless women intervene and help them to mature, grow and realize their potential; the woman’s job and purpose is to tame the male.” Whose message is that? Read my article: http://patrickwanis.com/blog/taming-the-male/

 

 

 

Now, let’s talk about how to overcome manipulation and control – identifying and releasing the roles of Rescuer, Victim & Persecutor.

 

What role do you play in relationships?

 

Before you answer with “I am just me”, consider carefully the dynamics of your relationships:

 

How do you behave and respond to others? What is expected of you and what do you expect of others? Who are you in each of your relationships? How would you describe the role you play?

 

In healthy and fulfilling relationships, each person takes responsibility for him/herself, expresses and receives love openly, and avoids trying to control and manipulate the other person.

 

In unhealthy relationships, roles are assumed and the drama dynamic is formed where three key roles are used to control and manipulate: Rescuer, Victim and Persecutor.

 

Before explaining this relationship dynamic known as “The Drama Triangle”, let me begin by clearly stating that the intention of each of these roles is to manipulate and control in order to get love – albeit it in a dysfunctional and completely unsatisfying manner.

Read the rest of this entry »

VN:F [1.9.22_1171]
Rating: 5.0/5 (3 votes cast)
VN:F [1.9.22_1171]
Rating: 0 (from 0 votes)

Forgive the Duggars? Not yet

June 4th, 2015
Should we forgive the Duggar parents? Not yet

Should we forgive the Duggar parents? Not yet. (photo: FOX News screengrab)

Michelle and Jim Bob Duggar, the parents of Josh Duggar, who molested four of his sisters, one as young as five, spoke to FOX News’ Megyn Kelly, and that interview reveals that they are in denial of what truly happened, its severity and the painful consequences.

In 2002, Jim Bob said that incest should be a capital crime punishable by death. However, both he and his wife simply believe that what Josh did to his sisters and another girl was simply “bad choices…inexcusable but was not unforgivable.”

Can we forgive the parents?

As I will reveal, Jim Bob and Michelle:

1. Failed to protect their children
2. Did not adequately report the multiple molestations to authorities
3. Deny that what Josh did was actual sexual molestation
4. Reveal empathy only for Josh and themselves and not for the victims
5. Refuse to believe that what they themselves did was wrong
6. Play the victims themselves
7. Refuse to ask for forgiveness or repent for their hypocrisy of judgment

Read the rest of this entry »

VN:F [1.9.22_1171]
Rating: 5.0/5 (3 votes cast)
VN:F [1.9.22_1171]
Rating: 0 (from 0 votes)

7 Signs of Emotional Maturity

June 3rd, 2015
7 Signs of emotional maturity

7 Signs of Emotional Maturity

In this week’s Success Newsletter, I would like to reveal the 7 signs of emotional maturity.

 

 

First a quick update:

 

 

 

  • The key to inner peace – We all ultimately want the same things – in the form of love, joy, success and happiness. What holds us back? Here is the key to getting, holding onto and enjoying what you want. Watch my video https://youtu.be/Vg9HsKsGlhc


Now, let’s talk about the 7 signs of emotional maturity.

 

Two people were arguing when one of them became frustrated and blurted, “You are immature!” Of course, he was not referring to physical maturity, since the other person was 30 years of age. His observation or interpretation of the other friend referred to that person being emotionally immature.

 

Emotional maturity is defined as how well you are able to respond to situations, control your emotions and behave in a productive manner when dealing with others.

 

Here are the 7 signs of emotional maturity.

 

1. You are responsible person

You are able to respond to situations in a productive, positive manner. You acknowledge when you are wrong and you avoid blaming others for your situation. You understand and are open to learning about the decisions you made or the ways you contributed to or created your current situation. You learn from errors and mistakes and create a plan of action for the future.

You easily admit, “I was wrong.”

Read the rest of this entry »

VN:F [1.9.22_1171]
Rating: 5.0/5 (1 vote cast)
VN:F [1.9.22_1171]
Rating: 0 (from 0 votes)

Should we forgive Josh Duggar?

June 2nd, 2015
should we forgive Josh Duggar

Should we forgive Josh Duggar (photo credit TLC)

What did he do?

Josh Duggar, 27, of TLC’s “19 Kids and Counting” molested five underage girls, including four of his sisters (ages 5 -12) when he was 14 and again when he was 15.  Josh confessed to his father on three different occasions that he molested his then 5-year-old sister.

He and his parents kept it a secret from the public. The molestations were only revealed recently due to Freedom of Information submission exposing a police report of 2006.

Is all of it his fault? What did his parents do?

The parents never reported it to police even though the father Jim Bob in 2002 stated that incest should be punishable by death.

 

The parents only mentioned one incident to a friend who was a police officer and he gave Josh a “stern talking to” and never reported it to anyone else. That man was later sentenced to 56 years in prison for child pornography.

 

Why are we angry?

Josh Duggar didn’t receive immediate counseling. He wasn’t registered as a sex offender. He didn’t suffer any real consequences and the incidents occurred more than once in 2002 and again in 2003, which implies the parents didn’t adequately protect the sisters. He molested his sisters a total of 7 times! By the time the police found out in 2006, about the multiple molestations, some of which would be felonies, the statute of limitations had expired and Josh was never appropriately punished.  Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar could also have been prosecuted for permitting abuse of a minor, but again the statute of limitations had expired.

There is also widespread anger because Josh and the parents made pedophilia a big vocal issue often warning people that gays are pedophiles but never mentioning their own story and Josh’s guilt and past.

 

What is forgiveness?

Forgiveness is ‘giving understanding for’ what happened. Forgiveness does not condone the action, nor does it absolve a person of the consequences of his/her actions, or of their responsibility for redemption or restitution.

 

Have his victims forgiven him?

It seems that his sisters may have forgiven him. Although, the names of the five victims including 4 of his sisters have been redacted, the 4 eldest sisters Jill, Jinger, Jessa and Jana wrote in 2014 in their book, “Growing Up Duggar”, in the chapter “Your Relationship With Your Sibling”, that we must forgive every person who wrongs us:

 

“The choice to forgive doesn’t always free the other person from the consequences of his or her wrong actions, but it frees the forgiver of negative feelings towards the offender.”

 

What do we need to forgive?

There have been no legal consequences for Josh Duggar. We cannot verify if he is truly repentant. He did resign from his post at the Family Research Council and he publicly apologized and said he sought forgiveness from his victims. However, many people feel duped because he loudly condemned pedophilia but never admitted his guilty past: what is missing is his request for forgiveness from everyone that watched his show, supported his beliefs and activism, and from the public in general.

 

The final word

I believe wholeheartedly in forgiveness and compassion. For the 5 victims of Josh Duggar’s sexual abuse, forgiveness is paramount because it sets them free.

For the public to forgive Josh Duggar for his actions of incest and his condemnation of others while hiding his own wrongdoing, he will need to do 4 things: 1. Ask sincerely and humbly for forgiveness; 2. Explain openly without excuses why he chose to hide his actions from his fans, followers and the public for 12 years; 3. Reveal what he did to redeem himself with his victims; 4. Explain what he has learned from this experience and reveal what he would do now if one of his sons committed the same act against one of his daughters!

Other Duggar related articles:

Was Josh Duggar molested?

Beware of Projecting

Should we forgive Josh Duggar? 

Forgive the Duggars? Not yet? 

VN:F [1.9.22_1171]
Rating: 5.0/5 (3 votes cast)
VN:F [1.9.22_1171]
Rating: +2 (from 2 votes)

Beware of Projecting

May 27th, 2015
Anti-gay activist Dr. George Rekers and the prostitute he hired -an example of Projection

Anti-gay activist Dr. George Rekers and the prostitute he hired -an example of Projection

In this week’s Success Newsletter, I would like to explore and reveal projection – how we project our issues onto other people and how other people’s projection onto us can harm us.

 

First a quick update:

 

 

 

 

  • Are you a people pleaser? – Do you constantly take care of everyone else and their needs but never take care of yourself or your needs? Do you hide from others what you really want? Do you find it difficult to say no? You might be the people-pleaser personality. Watch my video https://youtu.be/JTwdNNtjtTI


Now, let’s talk about projection – how we project our issues onto other people and how other people’s projections onto us can harm us.

 

Josh Duggar, 27, one of the children from TLC’s TV show “19 Kids and Counting”, resigned from the Family Research Council, after admitting that he sexually assaulted five underage girls, including his sisters, when he was a teenager.

 

Josh Duggar boldly stated that he believed that gays and the LGBT community are a danger to children and that there is a link between homosexuality and pedophilia. (While I will not be addressing this issue in this article, research does reveal that pedophilia is not motivated by sexual orientation. )

 

Given the revelations and admissions by Josh Duggar that he molested five young girls, people are screaming that Duggar is a hypocrite.

 

This raises the question “Why do we see so many people shouting, screaming and thumping about something being particularly bad and evil, only to later learn that the actual people screaming are engaging in the ‘bad and evil’ behavior themselves?”

 

The answer is not hypocrisy – it is projection – hating in other people what we actually hate in ourselves.

 

Let me explain and elaborate on projection as well as share examples.

Read the rest of this entry »

VN:F [1.9.22_1171]
Rating: 5.0/5 (2 votes cast)
VN:F [1.9.22_1171]
Rating: 0 (from 0 votes)