Should women get angry?

July 16th, 2014
Should women get angry?

Should women get angry?

In this week’s Success Newsletter, I would like to discuss whether or not women should get angry.

 

First a quick update:

****  8 Confusing texts men send – Read on HerCampus.com my insights and analysis about the meaning and motivation of specific texts by men:  http://www.hercampus.com/love/dating-hooking/8-confusing-texts-guys-send-how-respond

 

 

****  Follow me on Twitter – You can now choose to follow me and receive a few words of wisdom on Twitter: @Behavior_Expert

 

 

 Now, let’s talk about whether or not women should get angry.

 

I have written many articles about anger.

 

Anger is the initial emotional response to being hurt, injured or wronged, or, not getting what you wanted or expected.

 

Anger is not always a negative emotion or response; it can bring about positive change: without anger such as righteous indignation, there would be no response to injustices in the world. For example, we need anger to drive us to take immediate and rapid action to intervene and fend off an attacker in order to protect someone who is being beaten, robbed or bullied.

 

When anger is directed in the wrong way, it can become extremely destructive (unwarranted violence and abuse against oneself and other people or literally smashing and destroying things and property.) Anger when not dealt with properly can also lead to drunken binges and drug abuse. According to a study in the UK, a man who felt angry was more likely to drink the next day than a man who did not feel angry. And yes, the drinking failed to ease the sorrows or anger. http://www.dailymail.co.uk/health/article-2380887/Alcohol-sexes-Men-tend-drink-theyre-angry-women-feel-depressed-night-out.html

 

So, is anger a gender-specific emotion?

 

Is anger reserved only for men?

 

What happens when women become angry?

 

In Rush Hour 2, Chris Tucker plays a policeman chasing a Chinese Triad (crime gang.) In one scene, Chris Tucker is in a final violent confrontation with a woman from the Triad (played by Ziyi Zhang) and when she gets knocked out to the ground, he blurts angrily:

 

“We could have been a good couple, we could have had something special, but you’re one crazy-ass bitch.”

 

Incidentally, that line was not in the original script – it was something Chris Tucker adlibbed. Although this is a very comical scene, the point here is that women who express anger are usually portrayed or described as “you’re PMS-ing’, you’re overreacting, you’re being crazy.”

 

Society has extraordinary disdain for angry women, while rewarding angry men.

 

“As in prior research, men who expressed anger in a professional context were conferred higher status than men who expressed sadness. However, both male and female evaluators conferred lower status on angry female professionals than on angry male professionals. This was the case regardless of the actual occupational rank of the target, such that both a female trainee and a female CEO were given lower status if they expressed anger than if they did not. Whereas women’s emotional reactions were attributed to internal characteristics (e.g., ‘‘she is an angry person,’’ ‘‘she is out of control’’), men’s emotional reactions were attributed to external circumstances. Providing an external attribution for the target person’s anger eliminated the gender bias.”

-       ‘Can an Angry Woman Get Ahead? – Status Conferral, Gender, and Expression of Emotion’ study by Victoria L. Brescoll and Eric Luis Uhlmann – Yale University and Northwestern University, 2008  http://www.socialjudgments.com/docs/Brescoll%20and%20Uhlmann%202008.pdf

 

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The belief in “Good and Evil” – paralyzing or liberating?

July 9th, 2014
The belief in "Good & Evil" - paralyzing or liberating

The belief in “Good & Evil” – paralyzing or liberating?

In this week’s Success Newsletter, I would like to reveal the ways that the belief in ‘good and evil’ guides us, paralyzes us or liberates us.

 

First a quick update:

 

 

****  Sex changes your relationship – Read my insights on HerCampus.com about the 5 conversations you should have regarding a sexual relationship: http://www.hercampus.com/health/sexual-health/5-conversations-you-need-have-sex

 

 

****  Follow me on Twitter – You can now choose to follow me and receive a few words of wisdom on Twitter: @Behavior_Expert

 

 

Now, let’s talk about the ways that the belief in ‘good and evil’ guides us, paralyzes us or liberates us.

 

What is good?

 

What is evil?

 

Good is the act of doing something that benefits others and is morally right – it remains in line with the rules, laws and values of a system – secular/public laws, religious laws or familial laws.

 

Good is often seen as denying one’s self-interests.

 

Evil, on the other hand, is the opposite of good, the absence of good. It is doing something that is morally forbidden and; willingly doing something that harms others.

 

A person’s intentions might be good, but the resulting act might turn out to be bad and harmful to one-self or harmful to others.

 

Evil is thus often viewed as the intention to harm.

 

It is a major misconception that all morality stems or is defined and determined by religion.

 

Prior to formal religious institutions, tribes determined what was right and what was wrong i.e. good and evil.

 

Every religion has its own moral code, even if generally most religions subscribe to the teaching “do no harm to others.” However, as history reveals, this is not always the case, as many religions have prayed to God to help them prevail in their literal war and killings of people from other religions & beliefs i.e. wars against clashing dominations, heathens, pagans, infidels and so forth.

 

Every culture and religion teaches duality – the existence of good and evil.

 

Every culture and religion seeks to teach, guide, govern or control its people with the system of good and evil.

 

Hinduism categorizes evil as the result of illusion – the illusion of separateness from one another and thus from oneness (unity.)

 

Buddhism categorizes evil and suffering as the result of ignorance – ignorance again related to separateness and ego.

 

The ultimate result of the teachings of most religions is beliefs that are steeped and driven by guilt and fear:

 

  1. ‘God is watching my every move and knows my deepest thoughts; I will pay the price for my sins, wrongdoings and mistakes, if not in this life, then in hell’
  2. Law of Karma – ‘I will experience the same evil or be punished later in this life or in a future life, for all of my current actions and thoughts’

 

Thus, the next outcomes and expectations of the above teachings are to:

Continue reading “The belief in “Good and Evil” – paralyzing or liberating?” »

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How to avoid experiencing regret

July 2nd, 2014
How to avoid experiencing regret

How to avoid experiencing regret

In this week’s Success Newsletter, I would like to reveal the key to avoiding regret.

 

First a quick update:

**** Why do you really want to make money? – Are you trying to prove something to someone? Your motivation to make money affects the amount you make and whether or not you will enjoy it or sabotage it. Watch part 3 of my video interview series: http://youtu.be/UJMeIEuwlHk

 

****  “You bloody Tasmanians” – From the archives – a controversial 22-minute radio interview I conducted with the Australian Prime Minister at age 24. http://patrickwanis.com/RadioInterviews.asp#Bloody-Tasmanians

 

 

**** Follow me on Twitter – You can now choose to follow me and receive a few words of wisdom on Twitter: @Behavior_Expert

 

 

Now, let’s talk about how to avoid experiencing regret.

 

Regret is the feeling of sadness, loss, disappointment or even repentance over something that has occurred or failed to occur.

 

We have all experienced regret over something we did or didn’t do.

 

Consider the common expression “The one that got away.”

 

This refers to a lost opportunity – something or even someone that we feel we should not have let go. In other words, as we look back, we awake now to realize that what is now gone was of much more value and significance than we realized at the time.

 

Unfortunately, for most of us we often learn via loss; we appreciate something much more when it is gone. In some cases, we also think we are never going to lose what we have and thus we fail to truly prize and appreciate it; we fail to cherish and treasure it or him/her!

 

“Don’t know what you got till it’s gone

Don’t know what it is I did so wrong

Now I know what I got

It’s just this song

And it ain’t easy to get back

Takes so long”

-       From the song “Don’t know you got (till it’s gone)” by Cinderella

 

 

Of course, some people argue that we should never regret anything. However, that is an extreme response. Should we not regret having done something wrong and having hurt someone, even if we learned from that mistake?

 

So how do we avoid experiencing regret? What can we do to prevent the painful feeling?

 

Imagine the following scenario.

 

You are sitting on a porch looking across the wide plains. You are rocking back and forth gently on your chair as you notice that the sun is setting. You feel the warm glow of the sun and yet you know it is also cooling down. Nighttime is approaching. You realize that in the same way that the sun is setting, your life, too, is now setting. It’s almost your time. You look deep into the fading colors of the sky and into the horizon. And now, you ponder on your life. You drop your head as you think not about what you did but about what you didn’t do in your life – all those lost opportunities…

 

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6 steps to a healthy brain & curing depression

June 25th, 2014
6 steps tp a healthy brain and curing depression

6 steps tp a healthy brain and curing depression

In this week’s Success Newsletter, I would like to reveal simple but highly effective ways to protect yourself from mental illness, maintain a healthy brain and potentially cure depression.

First a quick update:

 

****  The top 20 psychological issues of celebrities –  Yes, celebrities face very different issues from the average person – 20 actually. However, there is also one of them that we all share – even celebrities: http://patrickwanis.com/blog/top-20-psychological-issues-celebrities/

 

 

**** Follow me on Twitter – You can now choose to follow me and receive a few words of wisdom on Twitter: @Behavior_Expert

 

Now, let’s talk about simple but highly effective ways to protect yourself from mental illness, maintain a healthy brain and potentially cure depression.

 

Why do we believe that we are not impacted by our lifestyle – by what we consume, the air we breathe, the water we drink, the way we move or do not move, the relationships we have or the isolation and disappointments we experience, and the levels of stress that we undergo?

 

The answer is not that we are stubborn or close-minded, but rather, that since we keep functioning (i.e. waking, walking, sleeping and performing most required daily tasks) we conclude that everything is okay – we are okay. Of course, many of us choose to ensure the continuation of the functioning by ignoring the physical, mental or emotional pain, or by numbing it.

 

Only when we become seriously ill and can no longer function, do we stop and consider if we need to change our entire lifestyle, i.e. address the root cause of the problem.

 

Almost nine percent of the US population was diagnosed with depression in 2013, and that is almost three times higher than in 1991.

 

“US states with higher rates of depression also show high rates of other negative health outcomes, such as obesity, heart disease, and stroke. Individuals suffering from depression are more likely to be unemployed or recently divorced than their non-depressed counterparts.”  http://www.healthline.com/health/depression/statistics-infographic

 

So is there any answer? Is there a cure for depression?

 

Dr. Stephen Ilardi believes our lifestyle is toxic and he and his team developed a new, highly effective program for clinical depression: Therapeutic Lifestyle Change (TLC). It is grounded in the insight that human beings were never designed for the sedentary, indoor, socially isolated, sleep-deprived, fast-food-laden, frenzied pace of 21st-century American life.

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Celebrity issues No. 20 – Real issues – childhood & pre-fame issues

June 23rd, 2014
Celebrity issues No. 20 - Real issues – childhood & pre-fame issues

“Marriage brought up all the kind of things I pushed to the back-burner – the fear, the mistrust, the doubts, and the insecurities.” – Jennifer Aniston

Here is the final issue, No. 20 of the Top 20 issues of being a celebrity. For the previous article, for issues No. 18 and 19 click here.

 

20. “My real issue…” – Uncovering the core issues prior to becoming a celebrity

Every one of us has issues that were created during our childhood; something our parents (caretakers) did or didn’t do; something that resulted in painful emotions that we haven’t yet released along with disempowering subconscious beliefs that affect the way we view and interact with the people and world around us.

 

Just because you are famous and a celebrity doesn’t mean that those emotions and beliefs have magically disappeared or will magically disappear.

 

In other words, aside of the challenges that are the result of being famous (as explained above), like everybody else, your unique experiences and upbringing have combined to make you who you are and have created your perspectives. Of course, with the right help, they can be changed!

 

 

“He made me terrified all the time, terrified like I had to pee on myself. I remember one night he made her nose bleed. I was crying and thinking, ‘I’m just gonna go crazy on him one day.’ … I hate him to this day.”
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We need to talk

June 18th, 2014
"We need to talk!" and the dangers of texting for couples

“We need to talk!” and the dangers of texting for couples

In this week’s Success Newsletter, I would like to reveal a different aspect of the infamous request & phrase “We need to talk”, and its direct connection to the dangers of texting for couples.

 

First a quick update:

 

 

****  The 6 red flags – when to dump him – Watch the video and read my insights about the 6 red flags of the behavior you should never accept in a relationship: http://patrickwanis.com/blog/6-red-flags-when-dump-him/

 

****  Follow me on Twitter – You can now choose to follow me and receive a few words of wisdom on Twitter: @Behavior_Expert

 

Now, let’s talk about a different aspect of the infamous request & phrase “We need to talk”, and its direct connection to the dangers of texting for couples.

 

“Men, we misunderstand women a lot.

You know, we always undermine their feelings; you can’t do that to women.

Feelings are very important to women. They are all important to women. Everything is based on how they feel.

When men tell a story – it will just be facts – who, what, when, where, why…

Women will tell all these stories:

‘Well, first you have to understand I was on my period and I just talked to my mother…’ So many feelings.

But they’ve got to talk about them. That’s how they get me.

I’ll be sitting there watching TV, chilling and my old lady will come up to me,

‘David. We need to talk.’

F…!

I don’t say that aloud. That’s how I feel inside.

I know every time we need to talk, we need to talk about some s..t I need to do. We never have to talk about some s..t she needs to do.”

-       Dave Chappelle, live stand-up 2007

 

It is true that for most men, when they hear a woman say to them, “We need to talk” they automatically believe that they are in trouble.

 

Indeed, one of the greatest complaints by women about men is that men don’t communicate enough or at all.  ‘We just don’t communicate. He doesn’t communicate.’

 

Of course, what they really mean is ‘he doesn’t talk enough about his feelings or what he is truly thinking.’

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Celebrity issues No. 18, 19 – Cognitive dissonance and no one understands me

June 17th, 2014
Celebrity issues 18, 19  Cognitive dissonance and no one understands me

“Celebrity took a while for me to understand. I had to mature. I had to understand that being a celebrity was my new reality, I couldn’t avoid it” – Paul Michael Glaser (right) – Starsky & Hutch

Here are issues No. 18 & 19 of the Top 20 issues of being a celebrity. For the previous article, for issue No. 17, click here.

 

 

18. “I am so conflicted” – Cognitive Dissonance

Given the complexities of the life and phenomenon of a being celebrity, it is not surprising or unusual that every celebrity will experience extraordinary mental and emotional conflicts if not Cognitive Dissonance.

 

Cognitive Dissonance is the mental and emotional stress that is created when there are two contradictory thoughts, both of which you accept to be true.

 

Here are just a few of the contradictory thoughts:

 

  • I love fame/I hate fame
  • I am great/I am an impostor
  • My fans love me/Everyone uses me
  • I can do whatever I want/I am a product and everyone owns me
  • I have no privacy/I am all alone
  • I want everyone to see me & know me/I want to be left alone
  • Fame is equivalent to worthiness/fame is meaningless

 

Continue reading “Celebrity issues No. 18, 19 – Cognitive dissonance and no one understands me” »

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Defining moments & turning points

June 11th, 2014
Defining moments and turning points

Defining moments and turning points.

In this week’s Success Newsletter, I would like to discuss defining moments and turning points in one’s life and how identifying and processing them can help you achieve emotional freedom.

 

 

First a quick update:

 

***  How much money do you deserve?  – There is a link between your emotions, your subconscious beliefs around money, and your success. Watch the video:  http ://youtu.be/uOE8TrM6RrQ

 

 

**** The pros &cons of taking a sabbatical from marriage - Read my insights on http://sugardaddy.com  with @MelissaSChapman http://www.marriedmysugardaddy.com/pros-cons-taking-sabbatical-marriage …

 

****  Follow me on Twitter – You can now choose to follow me and receive a few words of wisdom on Twitter: @Behavior_Expert

 

Now, let’s talk about defining moments and turning points in one’s life and how identifying and processing them can help you achieve emotional freedom.

 

Let’s begin by clarifying what each term is.

 

A “Defining moment” refers to something that occurs (a positive or negative experience) which forces or drives you to redefine yourself or discover or uncover something about yourself (consciously or subconsciously.) The dictionary explains it as “a point at which the essential nature or character of a person, group, etc., is revealed or identified.”

 

A “Turning point” refers to a moment in your life when you decide to take a different course in life; changing your perspective on life, making a new choice or decision. The dictionary explains a turning point as “a point at which a decisive change takes place; critical point; crisis.”

 

By uncovering the defining moments and turning points in your life, you can gain not only insight into who you really are, why you do the things you do, but you can actually change those subconscious choices and conclusions you made which now no longer serve you or work against you; you can transform and dissolve those blocks in your life which prevent you from success and living life fully.

 

Let me briefly share my personal experience as a way to help you understand and process your defining moments and turning points.

 

I was 10 years of age when my maternal grandmother passed away. She lived with us and I was extremely close to her. She played the role of mother for me. Upon her death, I felt alone, abandoned and betrayed (common feelings for a child who loses a loved one.)

 

One day, my father was scolding me in the living room. I went crying to my mother in her bedroom. I was obviously seeking compassion from my mother.

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Celebrity issues No. 17 – Fraud and the impostor syndrome

June 11th, 2014
Celebrity issues No. 17 – Fraud and the impostor syndrome

“The questions I was running from were: ‘Is this success all a fluke? Had I been fooling everybody so far? Will I get caught?’” – Charlie Sheen

Here is issue No. 17 of the Top 20 issues of being a celebrity. For the previous article, for issue No. 16, click here.

 

 

17. “I am a fraud. They’re going to find out the truth about me” – Impostor Syndrome

This is the one issue that is common to everybody!

 

Everybody!

 

It doesn’t matter who you are, how famous, powerful, rich, successful, intelligent, educated or beautiful you might be; we all subconsciously doubt ourselves and question our value, believing that we are not good enough – we are impostors!

 

“I’d begun drinking all the time. We shot in New York City, so I’d be out to the bars every night till 3 or 4 a.m., then try to show up for a 6 o’clock call to stand toe to toe with Michael Douglas and handle 50% of a scene…The questions I was running from were: ‘Is this success all a fluke? Had I been fooling everybody so far? Will I get caught?’ It was easy to get hammered and messed up. But in doing so, I buried my self-respect, I buried my self-esteem, I buried my creative drive, and I damned near buried myself.”
-       Charlie Sheen, 1987, talking about the filming of “Wall St” and his challenges believing in himself and his value.  http://patrickwanis.com/blog/are-you-an-impostor/

 

  Continue reading “Celebrity issues No. 17 – Fraud and the impostor syndrome” »

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If he loved me, he would know what I want/need

June 4th, 2014
If he loved me he would know what I feel and need

If he loved me he would know what I feel and need.

In this week’s Success Newsletter, I would like to debunk the myth “If he loved me, he would know what I want” and explain the significance of asking for what you want in a relationship.

 

First a quick update:

 

**** The difference between the male and female brains – There are 6 areas of key differences between the way men and women respond and behave in relationships based on the brain differences. Listen to the enlightening interview with colleague Dr. Robert Holmes: http://patrickwanis.com/RadioInterviews.asp#RMvsW

 

 

 

****  Follow me on Twitter – You can now choose to follow me and receive a few words of wisdom on Twitter: @Behavior_Expert

 

Now, let’s talk about and debunk the myth “If he loved me, he would know what I want” and explain the significance of asking for what you want in a relationship.

.

Have you ever met someone with whom you felt an instant bond, as if you knew each other for life or as if you were twins?

 

Perhaps you were even finishing each other’s sentences?

 

“We had gradually acquired the unmistakable air of old-love: finishing each other’s sentences and speaking to each other with an offhand, presuming intimacy that was eventually noticed.”

― Kate Kerrigan from the book, The Miracle of Grace

 

 

Of course, most of us dream of that perfect partner – the one who knows us without us saying a word – they know exactly what we are thinking and feeling in every moment; they know exactly what we need in that moment.

 

What most people fail to realize is that the inexplicable bond, affinity and understanding usually takes years to develop.

 

In a comical scene from the TV show “Arrested Development”, Michael (played by Jason Bateman) is telling his twin sister Lindsay (played by Portia De Rossi) about the new woman, Nellie, whom he has hired at the company.

 

Michael: [about Nellie] She’s different [to you.] She’s a little bit more like me. It’s like we finish each other’s…

Lindsay Bluth Fünke: Sandwiches?

Michael: Sentences. Why would I say…

Lindsay Bluth Fünke: Sandwiches?

Michael: That time, I was going to say sandwiches.

 

 

Michael thinks he truly knows Nellie because he says they finish each other’s sentences, but, he doesn’t yet know she is actually a prostitute and has developed a skill of rapport building – and of flattering and charming men.

 

The point here is that although we can have a lot in common with someone and they usually end up being one of our best friends, when it comes to romance and committed relationships, it takes time for the relationship to build to the point where both partners truly understand each other and can know what the other person needs and feels.

 

And how do we become best friends with anyone?

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