Women engage in domestic violence as much as men?

September 17th, 2014
women enagge in domestic violence as much as men Kelly Brook laughing on TV about punching her boyfriends in the face

Kelly Brook laughing on TV about punching her boyfriends in the face in separate incidents

In this week’s Success Newsletter, I would like to explore the studies that reveal women engage in domestic violence as much as men, and explore our attitudes to women hitting men.

 

First a quick update:

 

 

****  You’re wrong  about the  Ray Rice video - The media and public became outraged by the second video of Ray  Rice hitting  his wife, but the revealing video was the first showing him without concern for her when she  was unconscious. http://patrickwanis.com/blog/wrong-ray-rice-video/

 

****  Follow me on Twitter – You can now choose to follow me and receive a few words of wisdom on Twitter: @Behavior_Expert   https://twitter.com/Behavior_Expert

 

 

 Now, let’s talk about the studies that reveal women engage in domestic violence as much as men, and explore our attitudes to women hitting men.

 

Is domestic violence a gender issue?

 

John Wayne, the epitome of rugged masculinity, was beaten by his wife Conchita Martinez; Humphrey Bogart who played the cool masculine male, ranked as the greatest male star in the history of American cinema, was battered by his wife Mayo Methot; Abraham Lincoln’s wife Mary broke his nose with a lump of wood because he didn’t put enough wood on the fire; Christian Slater’s first wife Ryan Haddon Slater, threw a whisky glass at him, it shattered against his head and he needed 20 stitches around his ear and neck; Phil Hartman was murdered by his abusive and battering wife.

 

Before we go any further, with the exception of extreme cases such as the murder of Phil Hartman by his wife and the mutilation of John Bobbitt by wife Lorena, please note that when men engage in domestic violence, they are more likely to seriously injure their partner and, women are the greater victim of domestic violence.

 

International research suggests that almost 50% of domestic violence is committed against men.

 

“It turns out that in close relationships, women are plenty aggressive. Women are if anything more likely than men to perpetrate domestic violence against romantic partners, everything from a slap in the face to assault with a deadly weapon. Women also do more child abuse than men, though that’s hard to untangle from the higher amount of time they spend with children. Still, you can’t say that women avoid violence toward intimate partners…Women don’t hit strangers. The chances that a woman will, say, go to the mall and end up in a knife fight with another woman are vanishingly small, but there is more such risk for men.”
- Roy F. Baumeister, Florida State University psychology professor Roy F. Baumeister, 2007

 

John Archer, professor of psychology at the University of Central Lancashire and president of the International Society for Research on Aggression, in 2000 analyzed studies of 34,000 men and women in the US and UK dating back to 1972. He found that women lash out more frequently than their husbands or boyfriend, female aggression tends to involve pushing, slapping and hurling objects, and; men made up 40% of the victims in the cases that he studied.

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Is there anything good about men?

September 17th, 2014
Is there anything good about men  Roy F Baumeister

Is there anything good about men? (photo: The Three Stooges)

This is the text and transcript of a presentation by Florida State University psychology professor Roy F. Baumeister to the American Psychological Association in San Francisco, August 24, 2007. You can also read his book “Is There Anything Good About Men?: How Cultures Flourish by Exploiting Men” published in 2010.

 

You’re probably thinking that a talk called “Is there anything good about men” will be a short talk! Recent writings have not had much good to say about men. Titles like Men Are Not Cost Effective speak for themselves. Maureen Dowd’s book was called Are Men Necessary? and although she never gave an explicit answer, anyone reading the book knows her answer was no. Louann Brizendine’s book, The Female Brain, introduces itself by saying, “Men, get ready to experience brain envy.” Imagine a book advertising itself by saying that women will soon be envying the superior male brain!

Nor are these isolated examples. Alice Eagly’s research has compiled mountains of data on the stereotypes people have about men and women, which the researchers summarized as “The WAW effect.” WAW  stands for “Women Are Wonderful.” Both men and women hold much more favorable views of women than of men. Almost everybody likes women better than men. I certainly do.

My purpose in this talk is not to try to balance this out by praising men, though along the way I will have various positive things to say about both genders. The question of whether there’s anything good about men is only my point of departure. The tentative title of the book I’m writing is “How culture exploits men,” but even that for me is the lead-in to grand questions about how culture shapes action. In that context, what’s good about men means what men are good for, from the perspective of the system.

Hence this is not about the “battle of the sexes,” and in fact I think one unfortunate legacy of feminism has been the idea that men and women are basically enemies. I shall suggest, instead, that most often men and women have been partners, supporting each other rather than exploiting or manipulating each other.

Nor is this about trying to argue that men should be regarded as victims. I detest the whole idea of competing to be victims. And I’m certainly not denying that culture has exploited women. But rather than seeing culture as patriarchy, which is to say a conspiracy by men to exploit women, I think it’s more accurate to understand culture (e.g., a country, a religion) as an abstract system that competes against rival systems — and that uses both men and women, often in different ways, to advance its cause.

Also I think it’s best to avoid value judgments as much as possible. They have made discussion of gender politics very difficult and sensitive, thereby warping the play of ideas. I have no conclusions to present about what’s good or bad or how the world should change. In fact my own theory is built around tradeoffs, so that whenever there is something good it is tied to something else that is bad, and they balance out.

I don’t want to be on anybody’s side. Gender warriors please go home.

Continue reading “Is there anything good about men?” »

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14 Tips for conflict resolution

September 12th, 2014
14 tips for conflict resolution

14 tips for conflict resolution


14 Tips for Conflict Resolution by Patrick Wanis PhD www.patrickwanis.com

 

1. Set objectives for the discussion i.e. state clearly what you want to resolve. Be clear within yourself about your needs.

 

2. Notice what you are feeling. If you are angry, separate yourself from the situation and take time to calm down. You cannot resolve an issue when your emotions are intense.

 

3. Address the problem, not the person. Began by thanking the person for being open to addressing the issue with you. Include a sincere compliment.

 

4. Communicate your feelings assertively, not aggressively. Express them without blaming. When you blame, you create resistance in the other person, he/she shuts down, and therefore he/she stops listening or hearing you.

Continue reading “14 Tips for conflict resolution” »

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You’re wrong about the Ray Rice video

September 11th, 2014

 

The media got it wrong about the Ray Rice video

The media got it wrong about the Ray Rice video

Commentators everywhere in the media have been hailing the video showing Ray Rice punching his wife as the video that changes everything, claiming this warrants extreme punishment of Ray Rice and the NFL.

 

But they got it wrong, and their response reflects immaturity, sensationalism and a complete lack of understanding and insights into domestic violence, abuse and compassion.

 

Suddenly commentators believe that this second video is so hideous that the NFL and Rice should be punished further, and so they keep screaming for more blood, and without ever offering a solution to the problem of domestic violence.

 

The real video of concern isn’t the second video of a punch; the real video of concern is the first video which shows how Rice responded to his wife after she was knocked out.

 

The way we have responded to the 2 videos reflects the way we react emotionally instead of seeking a solution along with our complete disregard and unawareness of compassion. Due to our socio-cultural programming and the constant cries of gender inequality, we connect and notice the act of violence by a man against a woman, and, we fail to notice the real crime: Ray Rice might not have been able to control his anger in the moment but he had the opportunity to express compassion and remorse, and he didn’t.

After Janay is knocked unconscious when her head hits the railing, she falls to the ground, and Ray Rice drags her out of the elevator. He doesn’t lift her up; he doesn’t carry her, he drags her. He doesn’t fall to the ground, to his knees and embrace her head in his hands and arms; he doesn’t reveal any guilt over his actions or concern for her wellbeing. He doesn’t cry out “Oh my God, what have I done.” He doesn’t call for help; he quietly and calmly shoos away the security. There is no sign of immediate remorse, guilt, shame or fear for her safety.

 

How is it that all the commentators, including the numerous women who have written op-ed articles about how bad Ray Rice is, couldn’t see where the real issue is?

 

The answer again is that the holier-than-thou commentators who keep harping about Janay Rice as a victim don’t truly view her as a victim; they didn’t really put themselves in Janay Rice’s place, they didn’t truly think about her pain or what she needed after being knocked unconscious.

 

What do the commentators and media want to teach the public? “A real man never hits a woman”?

 

You can never teach that lesson without teaching compassion and a real concern for humans – regardless of gender. Telling children not to harm living things is impotent unless you also teach them why we shouldn’t harm.

 

You can’t have real men or heroes unless you teach and instill in everyone love, compassion, and the sanctity and preciousness of life!

 

Patrick Wanis PhD is a Human Behavior Expert and celebrity life coach
Follow him @Behavior_Expert and read more www.patrickwanis.com

Read more about the 10 reasons women stay in abusive relationships 

 

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Emotional Intelligence can prevent domestic violence

September 10th, 2014
emotional intelligence can prevent domestic violence janay and ray rice

Emotional Intelligence can prevent domestic violence

In this week’s Success Newsletter, I would like to reveal how Emotional Intelligence can prevent domestic violence.

 

First a quick update:

 

****  Cult leader convicted or rape and incest – Goel Ratzon, a cult leader in Tel Aviv, Israel, who had 21 wives and fathered 49 children was convicted of rape, sodomy and incest. Ratzon is another example of the way men prey on vulnerable women. http://patrickwanis.com/blog/women-bad-father-relationships-easy-prey-cults-charismatic-men/

 

 

****  Follow me on Twitter – You can now choose to follow me and receive a few words of wisdom on Twitter: @Behavior_Expert   https://twitter.com/Behavior_Expert

 

 

Now, let’s talk about how developing Emotional Intelligence can prevent domestic violence.

 

In the US, one of the top stories is the argument inside an elevator between footballer Ray Rice and his wife Janay, which escalated – she hit and spat at him, and as she lunged towards him, he punched her in the face, she fell and was knocked unconscious when her head hit the railing.

 

The consequences for Ray Rice extend beyond the termination of his football contract (more than 10 million dollars) and an indefinite suspension by the NFL; the President of the US, Barrack Obama in a statement about domestic violence said “Hitting a woman is not something a real man does.”

 

We have expectations that a man who is a football player should be able to exert self-control and self-discipline.

 

Football players are trained to tackle and crush their opponent; they are also taught to ignore the antagonistic ploys and gestures by their opponents who obviously want to create a situation that will result in a penalty.

 

However, contextual self-control is not equivalent to emotional intelligence.

 

Controlling one’s emotional reactions and impulses on the football field when playing against opponents, is not the same as controlling one’s emotional reactions and impulses inside an elevator with one’s fiancé. (Janay was engaged to Ray Rice at the time of the incident.)

 

The difference is the intensity of the emotional response based on the relationship, expectations, vulnerability, emotional education, subconscious programming, and other psychological factors.

 

The point here is that the media and commentators have taken the wrong approach: punishment and consequences are necessary but they alone are not the solution to ending domestic violence.

 

If punishment and consequences alone were sufficient deterrents, we would have a lot less crime and a dramatic drop in drug offenses.

 

The solution is education.

 

Those that cry out “education is needed to end domestic violence” believe that awareness of the frequency of family violence along with the declaration “You never hit a woman” are sufficient alone to end abuse in families.

Continue reading “Emotional Intelligence can prevent domestic violence” »

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List of 336 human emotions

September 3rd, 2014

 list of 336 human emotions

List of 336 human emotions by Patrick Wanis PhD www.patrickwanis.com
     
Abandoned Abashed Abused
Aching Admiring Adoring
Adrift Affectionate Affronted
Afraid Aggravated Aglow
Ailing Alarmed Alienated
Alone Ambivalent Anger
Anguished Annoyed Antagonistic
Anxious Apart Apologetic
Appalled Appreciative Apprehensive
Ardent Ashamed Attached
Attentive Awful Awkward
     
Baffled Barren Bashful
Beaten Befuddled Belittled
Belligerent Bewildered Bitter
Black Blah Bleak
Bleeding Blemished Blotched
Blue Blurred Blushing
Broken Bugged Buoyant
Burned up    
     
Careful Caring Cautious
Chagrined Chaotic Chastened
Cheapened Cheerful Cheerless
Cherishing Companionless Compassionate
Confounded Confused Confusion
Considerate Contented Contrite
Cool Crabby Cranky
Crazy about Crestfallen Crippled
Criticized Crushed Culpable
Cut off    
     
  www.patrickwanis.com  
Damaged Defeated Defensive
Deficient Degraded Dejected
Delighted Delinquent Demeaned
Demoralized Depraved Depreciated
Depressed Depression Deserted
Desolate Desperate Despondent
Destroyed Detached Devalued
Devastated Devoted Disappointed
Discarded Disconcerted Discouraged
Discredited Disgraced Dismal
Dismayed Disordered Disorganized
Dispirited Disquieted Distant
Distracted Distressed Disturbed
Dizzy Dopey Doting
Down Downcast Downhearted
Dry    
     
Ebullient Ecstatic Elated
Elevated Embarrassed Empty
Energetic Enraged Enthusiastic
Estranged Euphoric Evil
Exasperated Excited Excluded
Exhilarated Exposed  
     
False Fear Fearful
Fed up Feeble Fervent
Fidgety Fine Finished
Flawed Flustered Flustered
Foggy Fond Fond of
Forsaken Fretful Friendly
Frightened Frustrated Fuming
Funk Furious  
     
Galled Genial Glad
Gleeful Gloomy Glum
Goose-bumpy Gratified Grieved
Grim Grim Grouchy
Guilty    
     
  www.patrickwanis.com  
Happiness Happy Heated
Helpless Hesitant Hopeless
Horrified Hostile Huggy
Humble Humiliated Hurt
     
Idolizing Ill-tempered Impaired
Impatient Imperfect Impotent
In despair In high spirits Inadequateness
Incapable Incensed Incompetent
Incomplete Indignant Ineffective
Inept Infatuated Inferior
Infuriated Injured Insignificant
Insulated Intense Interested in
Intimidated Invalid Irate
Irked Irritated Isolated
     
Jovial Judged Jumpy
     
Keen Kind Kind-hearted
     
Lacking Lame Left out
Leftover Let down Light
Light-hearted Like Lively
Loneliness Lonely Lost
Loving Low  
     
Maligned Marooned Marred
Meager Meek Melancholy
Merry Miffed Minimized
Miserable Misled Mistaken
Mistreated Misunderstood Mixed up
Mocked Moody Morose
Mortified Neglected Nervous
Not good enough    
     
Offended Oppressed Ostracized
Outcast Outraged Overjoyed
Overwhelmed    
    Panicky
Paralyzed Partial Passionate
Penitent Perplexed Petrified
Petulant Pleasant Pleased
Powerless Provoked Punished
Puny Put away Put down
Puzzled    
  www.patrickwanis.com  
Rattled Ratty Reeling
Regretful Rejected Reluctant
Remorse Remorseful Remote
Repentant Resentful Respecting
Ridiculed Riding high Rotten
Rueful Ruined  
     
Satisfied Scared Scorned
Seething Separate Serene
Shaky Shamed Shamefaced
Shocked Shook up Shunned
Shy Sinful Skittish
Small Soft on Somber
Sore Sorrowful Sorry
Sparkling Speechless Spineless
Spiteful Stabbed Startled
Storming Strong Stumped
Stunned Subdued Substandard
Sullen Sunny Sympathetic
     
Taken-aback Taut Tearful
Tender Tense Tenuous
Terrified Terror-stricken Testy
Thoughtful Threatened Thrilled
Thrown Thunderstruck Ticked off
Tickled pink Timid Tiny
Tolerant Tortured Touched
Trapped Troubled Truculent
Trusting Turned on  
     
  www.patrickwanis.com  
Uncertain Uncherished Uncomfortable
Unconvincing Undecided Undeserving
Uneasy Unhappy Unimportant
Unsettled Unsure Unsure
Unsure Up Upset
Uptight Used Useless
     
Vengeful Vibrant Vindictive
     
Warm toward Warm-hearted Washed up
Watchful Weak Weepy
Whipped Wicked Wild
Wild about Wired Wishful
Withdrawn Woeful Worried
Worshipful Worthless Wounded
Wrecked Wrong  
     
Yielding    
     
Zealous Zero Zippy
  www.patrickwanis.com  

 

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Love and fear

September 3rd, 2014
the truth about the premise and assertion that there are only 2 emotions – fear and love.

Are there only 2 emotions – fear and love?

In this week’s Success Newsletter, I would like to reveal the truth about the premise and assertion that there are only 2 emotions – fear and love.

 

First a quick update:

 

****  America’s Obsession with beauty & the impact on women -  Is America obsessed with beauty and even more than other countries? Who decides what “beauty” is? What is the impact on women of societal expectations of beauty and physical perfection? What effect does the obsession by women with beauty have on men and relationships? Listen here to my in-depth responses and insights into these and other pertinent questions along with the solutions: http://patrickwanis.com/RadioInterviews.asp#americasobsessionbeauty

 

****  Follow me on Twitter – You can now choose to follow me and receive a few words of wisdom on Twitter: @Behavior_Expert   https://twitter.com/Behavior_Expert

Now, let’s talk about the premise and assertion that there are only 2 emotions – fear and love.

 

Many new age teachers argue that there are only 2 emotions – fear and love. They argue that every other emotion we experience falls into one of those categories – love is about connection & contribution and fear is about ego or separation from everyone else.

 

“The course does not aim at teaching the meaning of love, for that is beyond what can be taught. It does aim, however, at removing the blocks to the awareness of love’s presence, which is your natural inheritance. The opposite of love is fear, but what is all-encompassing can have no opposite.”

-       “ A Course in Miracles” by Helen Schucman and William Thetford

 

While it is quite poetic and even emotionally uplifting, the assertion that there are only 2 emotions is not accurate.

 

For example, physical fear is instigated by the brain. There is no conscious thought or analysis when you hear a loud noise; you simply react instantly by becoming afraid or startled. Note, too, that children are born with 2 fears only – the fear of falling and the fear of loud noises.

 

Fear is experienced and processed in the brain by the amygdalae, a pair of almond-shaped clusters of neurons isolated deep within the medial temporal lobes.

 

Therefore, we all have fears connected to survival that are neurologically based and are not in any way connected to psychological ego or separation, nor are they countered or neutralized by ‘love’ as they are a hardwired response.

Accordingly, there is also a difference between physical fear (the fight or flight response) and emotional and psychological fear which develop as the result of what we experience and the way we perceive the world. Note, too, that stress can cause the brain to shrink and result in loss of emotional control, impulsivity, depression, addiction and a host of other problems.

Continue reading “Love and fear” »

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10 Signs of depression & insight into suicide

August 27th, 2014
10 signs of depression suicide insight

10 signs of depression and an insight into suicide

In this week’s Success Newsletter, I would like to reveal the 10 key signs of depression and an insightful response to claims that suicide is a selfish act.

 

First a quick update:

 

**** Self-sabotage & how to end it – Listen to the hour-long interview I gave to Josh Elledge – 90 days to abundance – about the ways we sabotage our lives and success. Why we sabotage; How to stop sabotage; How to help a husband or wife, family, or friend who sabotages themselves; How to overcome anxiety. http://savingsangel.com/blog/2014/08/16/059-why-we-sabotage-how-to-stop-sabotage-forever-and-live-abundantly-dr-patrick-wanis-schools-me/

 

 

 

****  Follow me on Twitter – You can now choose to follow me and receive a few words of wisdom on Twitter: @Behavior_Expert   https://twitter.com/Behavior_Expert

 

 

Now, let’s talk about the 10 key signs of depression and an insightful response to claims that suicide is a selfish act.

 

As a result of the recent death of Robin Williams, various media outlets have been asking me for insights into depression and the ways a person can recognize it in themselves or their partner.

 

“Does the average person know the difference between ‘the blues’ and depression?” asked one TV reporter.

 

Every one of us will experience some form of the blues and some form of depression. The way to distinguish between a sad or depressed mood and a state of depression that needs attention is to answer these 3 questions:

 

1. Duration

When you feel sad, down or depressed, for how long does it last?

 

2. Intensity

When it happens, how intense would you rate it from 1 -10 (high being 10)?

 

3. Frequency

How often do you experience this state or feelings?

 

If you are having intense feelings of depression that occur nearly every day and last most of the day, then we would refer to that as depression. Severe depression occurs when the state overtakes your life, you cannot function and it is destroying your life and relationships.

 

There are also various forms of depression from sadness and anxiety to delusions and hallucinations to postpartum depression and its opposite – mania.

 

Here are the 10 key signs of depression, again referring to them as occurring nearly every day and for most of the day; you do not need to have all 10 signs to be experiencing depression:

 

1. Sadness, emptiness: Depressed mood with feelings of being sad or empty; others notice you are sad or tearful

 

2. Lack of interest in pleasurable activities: A loss of interest and excitement in what were once highly pleasurable activities – hobbies, sports, exercise, sex and so forth; psychological and physical isolation – particularly in men

  Continue reading “10 Signs of depression & insight into suicide” »

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What Ferguson could have learned from Nelson Mandela

August 26th, 2014
What Ferguson could learn from Nelson Mandela.

What Ferguson could learn from Nelson Mandela.


“…blood is crying from the ground, crying for vengeance, crying for justice.”

 

This is the call by Pastor Charles Ewing, an uncle of Michael Brown, a black man who was killed by a white policeman in Ferguson, Missouri.

 

Like many activists and speakers connected to the protests, church services and even the eulogy for Michael Brown, the calls to action have been for vengeance and to make Michael Brown a martyr – a trigger for potentially more race riots and cries of racial injustice.

 

“No peace. Do not talk about peace. Give us weapons.”

 

This is the call by a mother who lost her child.

 

But it is not the call of Michael Brown’s mother.

 

It was the call during Apartheid in South Africa made to Nelson Mandela soon after his release from 27 years in prison.

 

There, the black people had suffered extraordinary injustices at the hands of the white ruling government.

 

Like Al Sharpton or any other activists who claim leadership over the black community, Nelson Mandela who was their true recognized leader, had to respond.

 

“There is only one way forward and that is peace.

I know that is not what you want to hear, but there is no other way.

I am your leader. I am going to tell you always when you are wrong. And I tell you now, you are wrong!

…I have lost 27 years in prison…I have forgiven them.”

 

Nelson Mandela didn’t puff up his chest or call for more anger.

 

He turned away from his own wife, Winnie Mandela who remained angry and continued to promote and fuel more anger and violence against the whites and each other. Winnie Mandela endorsed “necklacing” – burning people alive using tires and gasoline: “With our boxes of matches and our necklaces we shall liberate this country.”

 

The blacks were killing the blacks – even burning them alive.

Continue reading “What Ferguson could have learned from Nelson Mandela” »

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The one issue everyone has

August 20th, 2014
The one psychological issue everyone has!

The one issue everyone has!

In this week’s Success Newsletter, I would like to reveal the one issue everyone has and how to neutralize it.

 

First a quick update:

 

****  Understanding depression and mental illness – NBC News senior writer Tony Dokoupil discusses the silent epidemic of suicide and mental health issues with me on MSNBC. Watch the video: http://patrickwanis.com/blog/robin-williams-depression-mental-illness-video/

 

 

**** Follow me on Twitter – You can now choose to follow me and receive a few words of wisdom on Twitter: @Behavior_Expert   https://twitter.com/Behavior_Expert

 

 

 

Now, let’s talk about the one issue everyone has and how to neutralize it.

 

“What’s wrong with you?” I exclaimed over the microphone.

 

The faces in the room turned to shock.

 

“What’s wrong with you?” he shouted even louder than before.

 

People looked at me with shock and disbelief.

 

Two hundred people from across the US had gathered at this class at the annual convention of the National Guild of Hypnotists to hear me reveal the one core issue that everyone shares.

 

And here was I challenging everyone in the room.

 

“Who has said that to someone, ‘What’s wrong with you?’”

 

Arms went flying up in the air.

 

“Who has had that said that to you by someone else, ‘What’s wrong with you?’”

 

Again, arms went flying in the air.

 

For a moment, that heavy feeling left the room as people smiled and related to the questions; after all, we have all said that to someone or someone has said that to us, “What’s wrong with you?”

 

“So, what is wrong with everyone? What is the one thing that is wrong with everyone?” I asked the 200 people in the room.

 

Again, the heads followed me with faces of shock as I walked up and down the aisle repeating the question.

 

I paused.

 

I wrote the word “wrong” in large letters on the flipchart.

 

“That’s what’s wrong with everyone.

Everyone thinks there is something wrong with them!”

 

And now, let me reveal to you how that belief is played out and expressed in various ways and with 4 common subconscious phrases.

Continue reading “The one issue everyone has” »

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