The freedom to feel

April 16th, 2014
The freedom to feel - "people are emotionally dead" - Jim Morrison

The freedom to feel – “people are emotionally dead” – Jim Morrison

In this week’s Success Newsletter, I would like to discuss the freedom to feel and draw upon some words of wisdom by Jim Morrison.

 

First a quick update:

 

  

****  Repression of one’s emotions leads to violence – An interview that rock star Jim Morrison of the Doors gave to Lizzie James in 1969, reveals his thoughts about the fear that people have to express freedom and to be free.  http://patrickwanis.com/blog/jim-morrison-freedom-lizzie-james/

 

 

****  Follow me on Twitter – You can now choose to follow me and receive a few words of wisdom on Twitter: @Behavior_Expert

 

 

 

 

Now, let’s talk about the freedom to feel and draw upon some words of wisdom by Jim Morrison.

 

Almost two decades before the book “Feel the fear and do it anyway” by Susan Jeffers PhD became a best seller in 1987, lead singer of the Doors, Jim Morrison was promoting the same message:

 

“The only solution is to confront them – confront yourself – with the greatest fear imaginable. Expose yourself to your deepest fear. After that, fear has no power, and fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free.”

 

In the 1969 interview with Lizzie James, Jim Morrison discusses and shares his philosophies on freedom.

 

One of the most meaningful points he makes is about distinguishing the types of freedom:

 

“The most important kind of freedom is to be what you really are. You trade in your reality for a role. You trade in your senses for an act. You give up your ability to feel, and in exchange, put on a mask. There can’t be any large scale revolution until there’s a personal revolution, on an individual level. It’s got to happen inside first. ….You can take away a man’s political freedom and you won’t hurt him – unless you take away his freedom to feel. That can destroy him.”

 

Lizzie James – ‘But how can anyone else have the power to take away from your freedom to feel?’

 

“Some people surrender their freedom willingly – but others are forced to surrender it. Imprisonment begins with birth. Society, parents – they refuse to allow you to keep the freedom you are born with. There are subtle ways to punish a person for daring to feel. You see that everyone around you has destroyed his true feeling nature. You imitate what you see…”

 

The same principle is a key message in the now classic novel “1984” by George Orwell, where it is forbidden to feel real emotions. (Read the closing pages when Winston and Julia meet again and he places his arm around her.)

 

Today, in so many ways, we are either afraid to feel, we suppress our feelings, we control our feelings or we simply choose only to reveal those feelings we believe will be accepted by society and even by our friends.

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Jim Morrison thoughts on freedom – Lizzie James interview

April 16th, 2014
Jim Morrison thoughts on freedom lizzie james interview

Jim Morrison – thoughts on freedom in the Lizzie James interview

 

The article “Jim Morrison: Ten Years Gone” was originally published in article form with commentary by Ms. Lizzie James in the 1981 CREEM Magazine Special Edition devoted to the Doors on the tenth anniversary of Jim Morrison’s passing. This is an unedited portion of the interview, this section of the piece is uncorrected, the original being unavailable. Parts of this interview were also published in The Doors Illustrated History. The interview was originally recorded in 1969.

 

From: http://archives.waiting-forthe-sun.net/Pages/Interviews/JimInterviews/TenYearsGone.html

 

 

 

Lizzie:            I think fans of The Doors see you as a savior, the leader who’ll set them all free. How do you feel about that?

 

Jim:       It’s absurd. How can I set free anyone who doesn’t have the guts to stand up alone and declare his own freedom? I think it’s a lie – people claim they want to be free – everybody insists that freedom is what they want the most, the most sacred and precious thing a man can possess. But that’s bullshit! People are terrified to be set free – they hold on to their chains. They fight anyone who tries to break those chains. It’s their security… How can they expect me or anyone else to set them free if they don’t really want to be free?

 

Lizzie:            Why do you think people fear freedom?

 

Jim:       I think people resist freedom because they’re afraid of the unknown. But it’s ironic… That unknown was once very well known. It’s where our souls belong…The only solution is to confront them – confront yourself – with the greatest fear imaginable. Expose yourself to your deepest fear. After that, fear has no power, and fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free.

 

Lizzie:            What do you mean when you say “freedom”?

 

Jim:       There are different kinds of freedom – there’s a lot of misunderstanding….The most important kind of freedom is to be what you really are. You trade in your reality for a role. You trade in your senses for an act. You give up your ability to feel, and in exchange, put on a mask. There can’t be any large scale revolution until there’s a personal revolution, on an individual level. It’s got to happen inside first. ….You can take away a man’s political freedom and you won’t hurt him – unless you take away his freedom to feel. That can destroy him.

 

Lizzie:            But how can anyone else have the power to take away from your freedom to feel?

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The truth about anger

April 11th, 2014
the truth about anger

The truth about anger

In this week’s Success Newsletter, I would like to reveal the truth about anger.

 

 

First a quick update:

 

 

****  Top ten signs of cheatingAre there specific signs that tell you that your partner is cheating? Listen to the radio interview I gave where I reveal the ten signs that point to betrayal and infidelity http://patrickwanis.com/RadioInterviews.asp#Top10Cheat

 

 

****  Follow me on Twitter – You can now choose to follow me and receive a few words of wisdom on Twitter: @Behavior_Expert

 

Now, let’s talk about the truth about anger.

 

Anger is a highly misunderstood emotion.

 

It is automatically labeled as a negative emotion.

 

Anger is often an initial response to the feeling or belief that you have been hurt, wronged or that you didn’t get what you want (i.e. experiencing rejection, loss, missed opportunities and so forth.)

 

Is anger, though, always negative?

 

Of course, we all know that anger can be destructive – it can lead to acts of violence, abuse, hurtful words and so forth.

 

However, anger can also be productive when channeled correctly and appropriately. We speak about and refer to “righteous indignation” when we know that an injustice has occurred.

 

 

We use that anger to drive us to stand up and protect the weak, innocent or frail from the bully.

 

The oppressed black people of South Africa drew upon anger to fight back against the cruel laws and inhumanity during the period of the imprisonment of Nelson Mandela – the movement to end Apartheid.

 

Throughout history there have been many such examples where anger has been used to bring about balance during times of injustice, but what about personal anger?

 

What about anger in relationships?

 

\What about angry people?

 

What is their motivation?

 

With the exception of the above cited examples of righteous indignation and anger that is driven by injustice, almost all of the anger we feel and often direct at other people is actually anger we feel towards ourselves. And if we choose not to acknowledge that anger or if we choose not to channel it correctly, we then turn it inwards and we can become isolated, depressed, apathetic, hopeless and helpless.

 

Let me explain by sharing some examples.

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You teach others how to treat you

April 2nd, 2014
You teach others how to treat you

You teach others how to treat you

In this week’s Success Newsletter, I would like to reveal the ways we teach others how to treat us – for the better and worse.

 

First a quick update:

 

****  The Secret to being feminine without being controlled by menRead the transcript of the interview I gave to Christelyn D. Karazin of www.beyondblackwhite.com on the topic of what it really means to be feminine. In this part of the transcript, I reveal the single secret for a woman to be able to express her femininity without giving away her power or being controlled by the man and; avoiding old gender roles. http://patrickwanis.com/blog/secret-feminine-controlled-men/

 

****  Follow me on Twitter – You can now choose to follow me and receive a few words of wisdom on Twitter: @Behavior_Expert

 

 

Now, let’s talk about the ways we teach others how to treat us – for the better and worse.

 

In numerous articles, I have written about the need to set one’s boundaries, and to do so in every area and relationship of one’s life – personal and professional.

 

What is a boundary?

 

A boundary simply refers to a specified limit set by you of what is and what is not acceptable behavior and treatment by another person towards you.

 

The behavior can be expressed physically, mentally, emotionally and even financially; it can be in the form of things done and things not done – things withheld.

 

Love, honesty, the complete truth, affection and so forth can all be withheld.

 

Of course, your response to someone’s behavior – when one steps over the boundaries – determines the future progress or evolution of your relationship.

 

We teach other people how to treat us based on what we allow them to do – the behavior we deem by others as acceptable. If you allow a person to slap you a second and third time, then you are clearly saying ‘you can slap me.’ Read my article “The link between new boundaries and respect”: http://patrickwanis.com/blog/link-new-boundaries-respect/

 

If, however, you choose to say “No, you cannot slap me…if you want to have a relationship with me, you cannot treat me this way…” then, you are clearly stating your boundaries and limits. Of course, a few other steps are involved and you need to take more action than simply stating your boundaries (saying ‘No”, reducing guilt, etc.); read my article “5 steps and tips to setting your boundaries”: http://patrickwanis.com/blog/5-steps-tips-setting-boundaries/

 

Accordingly, while it might be obvious that the way you allow others to treat you will determine the way they will continue to treat you, the converse is also true: the way you treat them will eventually determine how they will treat and respond to you.

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The Secret to being feminine without being controlled by men

March 27th, 2014
The Secret to being feminine without being controlled by men

The Secret to being feminine without being controlled by men

The single secret for a woman to be able to express her femininity without giving away her power or being controlled by the man

Avoiding old gender roles

 

This is Part 5 of 5 Parts of the transcript of Patrick Wanis PhD answering questions and sharing insights with Christelyn D. Karazin of www.beyondblackwhite.com on the topic of what it really means to be feminine. Click here for Part 4 – “The real reason a woman should be feminine”: http://patrickwanis.com/blog/real-reason-woman-feminine/

 

 

Okay, back to your question, “By and large, most men prefer feminine women, which can often be a challenge because it often involves the idea of submission. Many black women have not had the luxury being girly.”

 

Women can be feminine. They can choose to be submissive, but they must have boundaries. They must say, “No, I will not allow this to happen. No, I will not accept this.” And they must be willing to state their boundaries. Even in the context of femininity, a woman still needs to draw upon her masculine energy to say to a man, “No, you don’t treat me this way. No, you don’t do this. No, that’s overstepping the boundaries.”

 

Your question: “Many black women have not had the luxury of being girly like white women have, but I find that they often desire that but have no idea how to do it. Any advice for them?”

 

Yes, I think it really goes back to what I said right from the beginning. First, get clear about what is femininity. Come up with a clear, practical definition of femininity. That means have a clear definition of femininity that can be applied, that it’s practical. It’s not esoteric. It’s not philosophical. It’s not poetical. It’s applicable. You know how to be feminine. You know how to act feminine.

 

Number two, decide to be feminine for one reason alone: seek and fulfill your potential so you can be authentic to yourself, so that you can truly feel happy and satisfied with who you are. I worked with a lot of people who have addictions and even eating disorders and body dysmorphic disorders and it’s really about — it’s always the same thing. You come to the place where you feel good about who you are, and you feel good about who you are when you are being authentic to who you are; when you are in alignment with your values, with your purpose, with your temperament, with the very reason that you’re here on this earth.

 

So number one, come up with a clear definition of femininity. Number two, make sure that that definition is practical. Number three, decide that you’re doing it for yourself. You’re not doing it to win a man. Number four, make sure that you’re clear about your boundaries. You’re willing to be feminine but you understand your boundaries.

 

Therefore, you’re not looking for a man to control you. You’re not looking for a man to demean you. You’re looking for a man to honor, respect you, love you, and make you a priority, make you the princess. Well, actually better than the princess is the queen because a princess, unfortunately, has a connotation of a woman that is spoiled and entitled versus queen sounds like a woman who has power and who is not only in position of power but also understands demonstrating respect and being respected. Ok, so more tips now.

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Victim or Victor?

March 26th, 2014
Are you a Victor or a Victim

Are you a Victor or a Victim?

In this week’s Success Newsletter, I would like to reveal simple strategies that separate the victor from the victim.

 

 

First a quick update:

 

 

****  The top tips to affair-proofing your marriage – Did you know that there are things you can do in your relationship and marriage to make it affair-proof? In fact, there are 17 things you can do which will transform your marriage and deepen the bond, connection and love:  http://patrickwanis.com/blog/affair-proofing-your-marriage/ 

 

 

****  Follow me on Twitter – You can now choose to follow me and receive a few words of wisdom on Twitter: @Behavior_Expert

 

 

 

Now, let’s talk about the simple strategies that separate the victor from the victim.

 

The dictionary defines victim as a person harmed, injured, or killed as a result of a crime, accident, or other event or action; a person who is tricked or duped.

 

Using the above definition we can conclude that a victim is someone who suffers injury as a result of something outside of their control.

 

Children are victims; they are helpless.

 

Children are dependent on adults for survival.

 

Adults are rarely victims since they are rarely helpless.

 

Of course, as defined above there are situations in which adults are victims – of crime, robbery, violence, and so forth.

 

On the other hand, the dictionary defines a victor as a person who defeats an enemy or opponent in a battle, game, or other competition.

 

In life, our greatest enemy is ourselves.

 

We are in constant battle with our own thoughts, attitudes, feelings, beliefs and perspectives.

 

And when we are faced with challenges or when we feel defeated it is easy to slip into victim mode – crying out that we are helpless or we are the object of someone else’s control or that the way our life has turned out is beyond our control, and that therefore someone else is to blame.

 

Being in victim mode is akin to slipping into quicksand – the more we thrash around the deeper we sink – the more we cry out ‘victim’, the more helpless and miserable we become; the more we wail that we are a victim the less chance we ever have of succeeding or changing our situation and reality.

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The real reason a woman should be feminine

March 23rd, 2014
the real reason a woman should be feminine

The real reason a woman should be feminine

Should women be feminine to please men?

Should a woman be feminine in order to snag or catch a man?

 

 

This is Part 4 of 5 Parts of the transcript of Patrick Wanis PhD answering questions and sharing insights with Christelyn D. Karazin of www.beyondblackwhite.com on the topic of what it really means to be feminine. Click here for Part 3: “Femininity, feminism and the dangers of independence”: http://patrickwanis.com/blog/femininity-feminism-dangers-independence/

 

 

 

All right, let’s look at your next question, which I think was probably the most important question.

 

You said, “By and large, men prefer feminine women.” Yes, 100%.

 

Oh, this is what I want to say about this. The more feminine a woman is, the more she’ll inspire the masculine in a man and vice versa. If a woman acts masculine, she’s not going to attract a man who is masculine. She’s going to attract the man that’s feminine because he going to — that the feminine man is going to be attracted to the masculine woman to create the balance.

 

Incidentally, I do not encourage women to be feminine so that they can get a man, snag a man, attract the man, get married. I encourage women to be feminine because it’s their true essence. It’s about authentic femininity. It’s not about femininity designed to snag a man or snatch a man. It’s about you being real, about you being true to yourself, the same way that eventually masculine because they’re being authentic. It’s not about being macho or about being superior, arrogant, or tough. It’s about living up to who you really are. It’s about realizing and fulfilling your full potential.

 

 

A woman should be seeking to be authentically feminine, not to do it for ulterior motives. When a woman realizes her full potential and expresses all of her femininity, there’s a sense of fulfillment, there’s a sense of wholeness, there’s a sense of real meaning and inner peace that is almost indescribable.

 

Click here for Part 5 of 5 Parts of the transcript of Patrick Wanis PhD answering questions and sharing insights with Christelyn D. Karazin of www.beyondblackwhite.com on the topic of what it really means to be feminine – “The Secret to being feminine without being controlled by men” http://patrickwanis.com/blog/secret-feminine-controlled-men/ 

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Radical honesty – telling the whole truth

March 19th, 2014
radical honesty telling the whole truth

Radical honesty – telling the whole truth!

In this week’s Success Newsletter, I would like to discuss the challenge and fear of radical honesty – telling the whole truth.

 

 

First a quick update:

 

 

****  What does it really mean to be feminine? – Many women today associate femininity with weakness; is being feminine equivalent to being weak?  Listen to the answers I gave to questions by Christelyn D. Karazin, Co-Author of “Swirling: How to Date, Mate & Relate, Mixing Race, Culture and Creed” and Publisher/Editor-in-Chief, Beyond Black & White I reveal why women have inner conflicts with their femininity; The fear of traditional gender roles; The real reason women should express their femininity (and it’s not to catch a man); The single secret for a woman to be able to express her femininity without giving away her power or being controlled by the man. http://patrickwanis.com/RadioInterviews.asp#whatfemininemeans

 

****  Follow me on Twitter – You can now choose to follow me and receive a few words of wisdom on Twitter: @Behavior_Expert

 

 

Now, let’s talk about the challenge and fear of radical honesty – telling the whole truth.

 

“What she doesn’t know won’t hurt her…There’s no reason or benefit from telling her about it now.”

 

The above are common phrases used as a means and a justification for withholding the truth, hiding a secret, event or action.

 

“You must understand that courtship rituals are exercises in fantasy – built on deceit and distraction, smoke and mirrors – while relationships are exercises in honesty, tolerance, and the messiness of reality.”

– Dr. Frank Pittman, family therapist.

 

 

Have you noticed what a person is asked when he/she is required to give sworn testimony in a court of law?

 

“Do you solemnly swear or affirm that you will tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you God?”

 

There are variations of the above in courts of law around the world, but they all include the key words “tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.”

 

That simply implies that honesty involves revealing everything without leaving out anything.

 

Withholding the truth is another form of deception and dishonesty.

 

Dishonesty destroys intimacy, the feeling of love, and relationships.

 

Dishonesty destroys intimacy because the other person no longer feels safe to trust and open up.

 

Dishonesty destroys the feeling of love because the other person experiences cognitive dissonance and confusion about who you really are.

 

Dishonesty destroys relationships and marriages because once the intimacy, trust and feeling of love are gone, there is nothing else remaining.

 

In a moment I will also address the concept that some therapists have that people who reveal the truth are doing so only to relieve themselves of guilt.

 

But first, honesty in a relationship is not limited to simply revealing or exposing the facts, but rather it also includes and incorporates revealing one’s emotions.

 

Why do people lie, hide or withhold the truth?

 

Simply put – it is because of the fear of rejection.

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Femininity, feminism and the dangers of independence

March 19th, 2014
feminism, femininity and dangers of independence

Feminism, femininity and the dangers of independence

This is Part 3 of 5 Parts of the transcript of Patrick Wanis PhD answering questions and sharing insights with Christelyn D. Karazin of www.beyondblackwhite.com on the topic of what it really means to be feminine. Click here for Part 2 “Why women have inner conflicts with their femininity” - http://patrickwanis.com/blog/women-conflicts-femininity/ 

 

 

 

So again, femininity is a threat to feminism because many women, particularly feminists, view it as weakness. It’s not weakness. It’s always about finding balance. For the same reason, therefore, we’re afraid to talk about femininity because I think that it means, “Oh, I’m going to be controlled. I’m going to be a slave. I’m going to be a servant.” That is not what I promote at all, and that is not the true definition of femininity.

 

There’s an interesting movie you might like to watch. It’s by Luc Besson, the guy who did the Fifth Element and Joan of Arc, and he did a movie called Angel-A. It’s a black and white movie. It’s only a few years ago, but he deliberately shot it in black and white. It’s a beautiful movie where this woman is an angel and she comes to the rescue of a man. There’s a beautiful scene in it where at one point she and he are in the woman’s bathroom, and this other woman walks in and says, “You know this is a woman’s bathroom and men shouldn’t be here.”

 

And she said, ‘What man?’

 

“The guy in the stall.”

 

She turns to her and says, ‘Oh, no, he’s really a woman inside. He just has a male body.’

 

What she was referring to at that point was that he didn’t embrace his masculine energy; that he had all this beautiful feminine energy but he didn’t have the masculine energy, which leads me to the next point.

 

We also need to accept and understand that we all have masculine and feminine energy. There are times that men also need to embrace feminine energy. That’s about empathy, compassion, kindness, patience, sensitivity, humor, spirit, receptivity. So we also need to look at the situation and say, “What does it require? Masculine energy or feminine energy?

 

The other mistake the feminists made was this desire to be completely independent. Let’s look at that word. What does independent mean? It means that I’m not dependent on anyone for anything. Therefore, I don’t need to be in a relationship. Therefore, I don’t need relationship with anyone else because I’m independent. I don’t need anyone. Therefore, women wonder “Well, why am I alone? Why I am not in a relationship?” Because you’re telling the world you don’t want to be in a relationship because you don’t want to be dependent on anyone for anything.

 

This also raises another concern for men. For men, once upon a time, the primary, the traditional role was that a man would take care of a woman. He would protect her. He would provide for her. He would provide for her with physical security, financial security, and obviously hopefully emotional security. Now the women have the ability to make their own money, buy their own house, buy their own car; therefore, they can have physical and financial security. Then the man says to himself, “What’s my role? What do I do here? She doesn’t need me.” And then when a relationship begins and the woman keeps telling the man, “I don’t need you, I don’t need you,” then the man goes off with some other woman who says, “I need you.”

 

This is not a judgment. It’s just the way it is. Men need to feel needed. Obviously, we all need to feel needed. But men need to feel needed by a woman. They need to know that the woman depends on him for something. A man feels and expresses his masculinity by taking care of a woman, by protecting her, by fixing things, by getting things done, by taking action.

 

You might even think of the example that a woman comes home and tells her boyfriend or husband that she’s had a horrible day at work and someone was really rude to her or someone insulted her or offended her. The first thing the man wants to do is he wants to fix it. He wants to fix that problem. Whereas, what the woman is really looking for is sympathy, empathy, compassion, and understanding. So the masculine energy is “I’m going to take action.” That’s the directive energy, “I’m going to take action.” The feminine energy is receptivity.

 

 

Click here for Part 4 of 5 Parts of the transcript of Patrick Wanis PhD answering questions and sharing insights with Christelyn D. Karazin of www.beyondblackwhite.com on the topic of what it really means to be feminine – “The real reason a woman should be feminine”: http://patrickwanis.com/blog/real-reason-woman-feminine/

 

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Why women have inner conflicts with femininity

March 13th, 2014
Why women have inner conflicts with femininity

Why women have inner conflicts with femininity

Femininity – submission versus surrender and weakness

When women should embrace masculine energy

 

This is Part 2 of 5 Parts of the transcript of Patrick Wanis PhD answering questions and sharing insights with Christelyn D. Karazin of www.beyondblackwhite.com on the topic of what it really means to be feminine. Click here for Part 1 “The difference between feminine and masculine energy”: http://patrickwanis.com/blog/difference-feminine-masculine-energy/

 

 

Oh, yes, what I wanted to add to that was you said something very powerful and obviously quite accurate that most people when they think of femininity, they think of submission. But let’s not confuse submission with surrender. Surrender is very different. Surrender is when you give away your power. Submission is about saying, “I allow the other person to lead.” So that’s why we also talk about men being noble, leaders, making sacrifices, taking heroic acts.

 

I’m also going to distinguish between male and female gender roles. The other challenge we have is that we feel that if a woman is feminine, she’s going back to playing old traditional roles with the patriarchy basically was the ruler or it was about patriarchy that the men had all the power, women had none. This leaves us to the point of feminism. Femininity and feminism work together. Here’s why there’s a struggle with that.

 

Feminism was created in response to the male oppression of women. Feminism tried to bring a balance, but it swung the pendulum to the other way. What I mean by that was instead of the feminist movement saying, “Hold on, men. We are equal to you,” no, the feminist movement said, “Men, we are not equal to you. We are superior to you.” Therefore began a battle. Also what the feminist movement tried to do was instead of embracing the power of a woman in her feminine energy, it actually took on the masculine energy.

 

So in trying to say to men that women are superior, it actually used the masculine energy to convince men that women are superior; whereas, what I would be saying is that men and women should be viewed as equal. Obviously, extremely different but differences that should be embraced but nonetheless still equal.

 

If we understand that the male energy, the masculine energy is directive, it’s about assertiveness and it’s about getting things done, then we also understand except that there are times that women have to embrace masculine energy. In the workforce, women need to have masculine energy. Let me give you another example.

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