**** FOX News Channel – watch my Top 5 Celebrity Meltdowns of 2011 this Saturday December 31st live at 7:40 AM EST on FOX News channel
Now, let’s talk about ultimatums and reverse ultimatums in relationships.
Around the Holiday Season, some women expect, hope and pray for a marriage proposal or serious commitment from their boyfriend.
Debbie wrote last Christmas:
“I have been with my boyfriend for four years now and we’re living together for two of those years. We had talked about marriage about 2 years ago and I was waiting for him to propose to me this Christmas. I am so devastated that he didn’t and I don’t know what to do…What about if I issue him an ultimatum – marry me or it’s over? Do you think that will work?”
An ultimatum is a proposition that comes with terms and conditions – it involves a threat: ‘meet my demands or else I will do such and such.’
A reverse ultimatum involves a counter proposition, which I will explain shortly.
Various reporters have often asked me for my expert opinion about whether or not a woman should ever issue an ultimatum to a man. The answer is generally “No. And there is a more effective approach.” And I will reveal the “more effective approach” in a moment.
“Sadly, men generally don’t have any interest in changing until they truly need to change – when the pain becomes so strong that they realize they must change i.e. when the wife threatens to divorce her husband unless he attends counseling or changes a specific habit. And even then, the man will only change when and if he is willing and ready. And ladies, please understand that it takes men years to change, mature and evolve.
“Men resist change because they also often feel that it threatens their individuality and freedom. I am not saying men are right but I am saying that women would be better off by: 1. Choosing a man who matches their values 2. Loving the man for who he is rather than trying to mold him into what they want him to be.
Gurus, self-help industry & deaths – James Arthur Ray was convicted (and sentenced to two years prison) of three counts of negligent homicide but acquitted of manslaughter following his February 3, 2010, arrest in the deaths of participants at one of his sweat lodge ceremonies
From NPR (National Public Radio) “Sweat lodge tragedy highlights lack of self-help industry regulations”:
PATRICK WANIS: I’ve been called guru and stuff. And I say I’m not a guru. Please don’t place me on a pedestal. Just listen to my message follow your instinct if there’s something valuable here, use it.
LAUREL MORALES: Wanis says gurus manipulate and claim to know what’s best for you. They create a relationship where your unquestioned obedience is demanded.
PATRICK WANIS: Anytime we experience a major crisis, we are susceptible to seeking out spiritual healers, gurus and other people who claim they have the answer that will satisfy our sense of wanting to find an explanation for chronic suffering and mortality.
“The dictionary defines anger as an emotion – a feeling of strong displeasure and belligerence. But anger is much more than that. Anger is the almost immediate response to being hurt, injured or wronged; the hurt or injury can be a physical, emotional or psychological pain. Beneath that anger is a deeper pain. In other words, while the unsafe expression of anger can cause problems, anger in itself is not the problem, but rather, it is the symptom of another problem, emotion or belief.”
In other words, there often is another emotion beneath the anger (betrayal, rejection, fear, insecurity, worthlessness, feelings of injustice, violation and so forth.) But I also mentioned above that anger can be the symptom of another belief i.e. there is a reason that we hold onto that anger; oftentimes there is a powerful benefit to holding onto that anger and sometimes it is driven by resentment and self-pity.
Denny Seiwell has been a professional drummer playing since he was a teenager and has worked with some of the biggest names in the music industry – Paul McCartney, Joe Cocker, James Brown, The Who Astrud Gilberto, Deniece Williams, Art Garfunkel, Billy Joel and many more. Danny was one of the original members of Paul McCartney’s band “Wings.”
Danny was introduced to alcohol at age 13 and it became a way to deal with his problems, even though it almost destroyed his life as he tried to avoid facing his real pain and feelings.
Control Anger – Use “How to get over it” now. Click on the image and get over it now.
“I had one big problem in life, and I had no way of dealing with that problem other than pouring alcohol on it. The more alcohol I poured on it, the more the problem grew, and then I had more problems. Pretty soon it just fed into every area of my life. A typical day: I’d roll a joint in the morning, get high, get a burrito from Poquito Mas, have some beers in the morning, and at noon, I’d start drinking Stolis. I just didn’t want to feel what I was feeling. What I was feeling was resentment, because there was this big piece of work that I did years ago that I didn’t get paid for, and I couldn’t live with that. It should have taken care of my wife and me financially for the rest of our lives, and it just didn’t happen that way. The only way I knew how to deal with that was to slam booze. Those days were just really horrible.”
(From the book “Moments of Clarity” by Christopher Kennedy Lawford)
Danny was stuck in anger, resentment and self-pity; the anger was driven by the resentment and self-pity. Beneath that anger was the choice to try and avoid facing the responsibility of dealing with the bad business deal; Danny was avoiding seeking amends, avoiding accepting what might have been beyond his control, and avoiding having to face the reality of taking charge of his life by seeking new business deals. In other words, there will be times in our life when things go wrong, we might even be ripped off, betrayed or robbed of an opportunity, and we can stay stuck in self-pity or decide to seek out and create other opportunities. The balance here is identifying what we can and cannot control. and only responding accordingly to what we can control.
**** Alec Baldwin and inflated sense of self – Read my revised list of the Top Ten Celebrity Meltdowns of 2011 which now includes Alec Baldwin who 5 years ago called his 11-year-old daughter, “A thoughtless little pig”, now threw a tantrum on a plane, locked himself in the bathroom after violating FAA regulations and then ridiculed the airline and crew with an SNL spoof where he referred to himself as “An American hero.” http://patrickwanis.com/blog/the-top-ten-celebrity-meltdowns-of-2011/
Now, let’s talk about Christmas, Christmas history, the controversy and whether or not there is a possibility to find a balance and peace between religious people and atheists.
For decades, it has been heralded as “the most wonderful time of the year”:
With the kids jingle belling
And everyone telling you “Be of good cheer”
So says the popular Christmas song by Andy Williams that dates back to 1963. But the brouhaha about Christmas continues to get louder and louder, with very little cheer.
One example is the famous Ocean Avenue in Santa Monica, California where for 60 years Christians had displayed Nativity scenes for a whole city block. But this year, 18 of the 21 displays in the park are by atheists. In fact, churches were granted two of the 21 display sites, and one went to Isaac Levitansky of Chabad Channukah Menorah.
American Athiests Inc. claims they have 37 million members, and ironically, since 1963, the year of the famous song “It’s the most wonderful time of the year.”
One of their banners on display quotes Thomas Jefferson:
“Religions are all alike – founded upon fables and mythologies.”
Christmas is the celebration of Jesus’ birth but not even the churches can agree on the date or year.
The Catholic Church’s official commentary on the New Testament states that “Though the year of Jesus birth is not reckoned with certainty, the birth did not occur in AD 1.” Other religious documents place Jesus’ birthday as March 21st, May 20th, November 18th and September 11th. The modern Armenian Apostolic church continues to celebrate Christmas on January 6th.
So how did Christmas come to be celebrated on December 25th, the day of the Roman feast of the birth of Mithra, the Indo-Iranian Sun God – Sol Invictus (the Invincible Sun)?
Why cult members live in denial that it’s a cult or fake: The Jonestown massacre – 918 cult members including approx. 300 children died/committed suicide by drinking poison
The fear of experiencing shame and the yearning for hope
The following is Part Fifteen of an expanded transcript of a detailed and in-depth interview Patrick Wanis PhD Human Behavior Expert gave to Michele Morrisette with www.PurQi.com about gurus, cults and brainwashing. Here Patrick Wanis reveals why people find it difficult to admit being duped by a cult, guru, teacher or a scam; the sense of shame, and the experience of Cognitive Dissonance. Click here for previous part of the interview, Part Fourteen: http://patrickwanis.com/blog/gurus-spiritual-healers-big-lie-curing-cancer-terminal-illness/
Patrick Wanis: So here’s my final point, and this is a question that has been posed to me by an investigative journalist regarding this whole situation with Mahendra Trivedi. Why do so many of his followers refuse to accept the possibility that maybe it’s not real?
And the answer is that it’s the same thing that happened to James Ray’s followers in the beginning and I will explain what I mean by that.
It’s called Cognitive Dissonance.
Cognitive Dissonance is the conflict that faces us when we have two clashing/conflicting ideas, values or emotions. We struggle because we can’t hold two opposing ideas in our mind simultaneously. We have to form one conclusion, but that is difficult since the first held belief is often so strong and has emotional attachments.
Accordingly, we suddenly have evidence put in front of us and we say, “This can’t be true. I’ve always believed Mr. Ray to be great. I put all my faith in him. I put my trust in him. I believed in him. I gave him my money. I gave him my energy. I gave him my time. I can’t believe that this is true.”
So what do I do? I deny it.
This is the result of two clashing beliefs – he is great versus he is fake (or some other such thing.)
Guess who else does that?
Women who find out their husbands have cheated.
Often, they will deny it at first. They will go straight into denial. It can’t be true because I always believed in my husband. I trusted him. I had faith in him.
So, the only way I can balance these two conflicting ideas is that I will deny one until the evidence is presented again and again and then that woman realizes it’s true: He did cheat on me.
In this week’s Success Newsletter, I would like to reveal the 7 steps to help mend a broken relationship and broken heart.
First a quick update:
*** “Never Satisfied: Why Powerful Men Cheat” – Arnold Schwarzenegger, Mel Gibson, Anthony Weiner, Prince Charles, Tiger Woods, , Jesse James, Marc Anthony, Brent Favre, Rolling stones Ron wood, Evangelist Ted Haggard, US President Bill Clinton, Governor Elliot Spitzer, Governor Mark Sanford, Senator John Edwards, Brad Pitt, and the list goes on. Watch the TV special where I and a panel of experts reveal the real reasons powerful men cheat. The show airs on the Biography Channel at 10pm EST on Thursday, Dec. 8th
*** When stress makes you ill and crazy – We live in denial and ignorance of the real damage that stress does to us and to our lives. Stress destroys our enjoyment of life as well as our heath. Read my article “You’re not crazy” where I outline all the effects of stress, the illnesses it causes and the signs and symptoms of stress – physical, mental/cognitive, emotional and behavioral. There is also a link there to take the stress test: http://patrickwanis.com/blog/youre-not-crazy/
*** The Top Ten Celebrity Meltdowns of 2011: – If it were up to Santa, a lot of these naughty and not nice celebrities would not be receiving gifts. Read my fifth annual list along with my insights, perspectives and what we can learn from the bad behavior and meltdowns of celebrities: http://patrickwanis.com/blog/the-top-ten-celebrity-meltdowns-of-2011/
Now, let’s talk about the 7 ways & strategies that can help mend a broken relationship.
The dictionary defines broken as:
Having been fractured or damaged and no longer in one piece or in working order
Rejected, defeated, or despairing
Both these definitions can apply to a relationship – that it no longer works as one piece and the unity is gone and; the relationship is overcome with feelings of defeat and despair.
We often don’t realize that we are in relationships with everyone in our world and life – not just our romantic partner. We are in relationship with our siblings, work colleagues, boss, employees, parents, neighbors and so forth.
When our relationship is working well, we feel a sense of unity – along with a host of other positive emotions and feelings such as significance, love, joy, power, safety, security, desirability, worthiness, valuable, etc.
Fixing a broken relationship & broken heart – Use “How to get over it” now. Click on the image and get over it now.
An action or series of actions and behaviors on our part or the other person’s part can break the relationship.
Here are seven steps to healing and repairing a broken relationship;
It is easy to live in denial or avoidance and thus to refuse to admit that there is a problem. Denial over an extended period of time can lead to irreparable damage in a relationship because it creates resentment, bitterness, isolation, scorn and contempt. Eventually, the two people learn to live together but actually apart, in two worlds, shutting each other out and forming a precarious business transaction void of emotion, trust or deep respect.
You and your partner must share a willingness and intention to resolve and heal the relationship.
If it were up to Santa, a lot of celebs would not be getting any presents this year!
The celebrity list of who’s naughty and NOT nice is a long one: Fake marriages, quick divorces, infidelity, shoplifting, sexting, jumping from balconies and falling into trees, becoming a groupie at age 45, wanting to kill the Pope, throwing tantrums on a plane, carrying $10,000 cash in your purse to a house party, illegal gambling, drugs, violence, racism, and just plain, stupid nasty comments! These are just some of the bizarre behaviors that landed celebrities into the 5th annual list of The Top 10 Celebrity Meltdowns of 2011 by Human Behavior Expert, Patrick Wanis PhD.
“Bad behavior is on the rise amongst celebrities because we glamorize and create idols of people who have truly made little or no contribution to society and we reward them with money, fame, attention, prestige and undeserving significance’ says Wanis. “And by rewarding bad behavior instead of punishing it, we only serve to encourage and nurture it.”
“The media is also responsible for rewarding and encouraging bad behavior: as more and more media outlets fight to get attention and to get the scoop, they ignore all sense of responsibility, morality and integrity by willingly agreeing to interview, promote and thus glorify accused pedophiles, criminals, cheaters, mistresses, liars, addicts, misogynists, and self-promoting narcissists.”
“Meanwhile, women are also responsible for nurturing of female bad behavior. The paradox is that while we are obsessed with being politically correct in our language, women continue to undermine and demean themselves by promoting demeaning, derogatory and sexist terms and viewpoints with books authored by women with titles such as “Skinny Bitch” “Prairie Bitch”, “Yoga Bitch” and “Good Christian Bitches”, reveals Wanis.
“This is an example of the way the Hip-hop culture and its sexist and misogynistic language and paradigms have pervaded all strata of society (including celebrities), resulting in the dissolution of all boundaries of morality, the sexual objectification of women and violence against women. Snooki and the cast of MTV’s Jersey Shore are but one example of the glorification and rewarding of extremely negative role-models.”
“Part of the solution is to awake and stop viewing celebrities as leaders, role models or people to follow; and instead celebrate the artistic achievements and contributions of those people who actually make a positive difference and not the narcissistic ones who demand to be rewarded for simply being in existence on this planet and for their parasitic behavior.”
Here is Wanis’ fifth annual list of The Top Ten Celebrity Meltdowns of 2011 along with his expert insights into their antics and dangerous behavior.
Can you guess the number 1 Celebrity Meltdown of 2011?
Here is Patrick’s list along with his insights.
Let’s start at number ten and work our way up to the top Celebrity Meltdown of 2011…
10. JOHNNY DEPP, SUSAN SARANDON & SINEAD O’CONNOR.
We have all had a moment where our emotions have taken over and we have lost control and said something stupid that we later regret. But giving interviews that express verbal violence or demean women and rape is absurd and indicates how fame and wealth can disconnect and isolate a celebrity from reality and the challenges that the everyday person experiences. Johnny Depp – AKA Captain Jack Sparrow told Vanity Fair magazine that he compares photoshoots with rape: “Well, you just feel like you’re being raped somehow. Raped…It feels like a kind of weird – just weird, man.” Meanwhile Johnny Depp also angered religious activists by teaming up with British rock band Babybird to record “The Jesus Stag Night Club,” about a boozing Christ-like figure in a strip club.
Susan Sarandon spoke out against the death penalty but referred to Pope Benedict XVI Joseph Ratzinger as a Nazi (his biography states that he was once involuntarily enrolled as a member of the Hitler Youth.) Meanwhile, Sinead O’Connor went further tweeting that that she would perform a “bloodbath” if Pope Benedict XVI visited Ireland. Celebrities could promote their cause by using appropriate language and metaphors instead of polarizing people or distracting from the topic at hand.
9. ALEC BALDWIN
In 2007, Baldwin made it into the Top Ten List of Celebrity Meltdowns at no. 8 when he threatened and insulted his 11-year-old daughter, Ireland, in a phone message, calling her a “thoughtless little pig,” threatening to “straighten your ass out when I see you”, telling her she doesn’t have the brain of a human being and then verbally bashing her mother and his ex-wife, Kim Basinger as “a thoughtless pain in the ass who doesn’t care about you.” But in 2011, Baldwin violated FAA regulations and threw a childish tantrum that one might expect from an 11-year-old but not from a father; behavior that reflects immaturity, entitlement, arrogance, selfishness and irresponsibility. Alec Baldwin was kicked off an American Airlines flight for ignoring flight attendant requests to power off his iPad for departure and for using offensive and violent language: “with the seat belt light still on for departure he took his phone into the plane’s lavatory. He slammed the lavatory door so hard, the cockpit crew heard it and became alarmed even with the cockpit door closed and locked.”
Federal Aviation Administration rules prohibit an airline or pilot from allowing passengers to operate “any portable electronic device” on an operating aircraft. Baldwin’s choice to respond in a “violent, abusive and aggressive” way was a selfish action because it inconvenienced so many other passengers. Alec Baldwin did Tweet an apology for inconveniencing passengers but he refused to fully accept responsibility for his inappropriate behavior and example, and instead he wrote at length about the bad state of the airlines and then went on SNL and spoofed, ridiculed and belittled American Airlines, the captain and crew, by playing the role of the airline pilot Steve Roach. Dressed as the pilot, Baldwin proceeds to apologize to himself, calling Baldwin “a treasure” and “an American Hero.”
But a hero is usually someone who displays tremendous courage and saves a life – not someone who throws a tantrum, acts in a violent and abusive manner, locks himself in the lavatory like a spoilt child, inconveniences other passengers, and refuses to accept any responsibility for his behavior. Thus, again, in 2011, Baldwin displayed behavior that is a bad example as a father – belligerent, rude and unable to restrain his emotions just as he did in 2007 when he called his then 11-year-old daughter a “thoughtless little pig”; words that might now be a better description of his own behavior.
Ultimately Baldwin’s behavior and subsequent responses stir resentment towards flight attendants (whose priority is safety) and do nothing to help change FAA regulations. In other words, Baldwin will still have to turn off his iPad, cell phone or other video games when on board a plane preparing to depart or land. No matter how many times he cries, stamps his feet or locks himself in a bathroom, the rules will still apply to him.
(Other celebrities who have displayed wanton entitlement in 2011 on flights include actor Josh Duhamel, Green Day’s Billie Joe Armstrong and diva Whitney Houston.)
8. GEORGE LOPEZ.
He’s been married and divorced and still George Lopez doesn’t realize that one of the most offensive and hurtful things you can ever say to a woman is to call her ugly or fat. On his TV show “Lopez Tonight”, he made a joke about former “Cheers” actress Kirstie Alley’s appearance on “Dancing with The Stars” – but he compared Alley to a pig. “She did a nice job, her little hooves tapping away. Before the show she went to the market, then she had roast beef, and this is her going all the way home,” he said and then cut to a video of a squealing pig. Alley responded by comparing Lopez to the Big, Bad Wolf, saying she would laugh as he suffered in boiling water. Lopez apologized but Alley Tweeted back to Lopez whose ex wife donated a kidney to him in 2005: “I don’t need or want ur apology…I want your kidney dude..on behalf of ur X and all the women uv insulted…give it back.”
Gurus, spiritual healers and the big lie about curing cancer and terminal illness. Hulda Clark claimed to be able to cure cancer but she died from complications of cancer
The following is Part Fourteen of an expanded transcript of a detailed and in-depth interview Patrick Wanis PhD Human Behavior Expert gave to Michele Morrisette with www.PurQi.com about gurus, cults and brainwashing. Here Patrick Wanis reveals the link between lust, vanity & greed and spiritual healers, and he exposes examples of the ways that gurus, spiritual healers make extraordinary claims of supernatural powers and lie and fabricate claims about scientific evidence or proof, and that they hide behind marketing and false images. Click here for previous part of the interview, Part Thirteen: http://patrickwanis.com/blog/spiritual-healers-lies-lust-vanity-greed/
Patrick Wanis: So, I was going to lead to one final point.
It’s important that we keep our mind open as a seeker of truth because if something is true, it doesn’t matter from what angle you approach it, it will always be the same. If you take truth, you can look at it from 360-degrees, and it does not change.
But people, who in their hearts have a fear that what they believe and think is truth is not actual truth, are afraid to look at that truth, in case they realize that it is not truth, and that thus, they were wrong.
So I would say to all the people who promote Mahendra Trivedi (and other similar self-professed healers), look at it, and look at the real documentation. If you are sending out blasts of emails, about all the thousands of people that are being healed, send me those names. Send me the real healing and show me the documentation.
Anyone can say that thousands of people have been healed. How many thousands?
One thousand, two thousand, ten thousand, one hundred thousand? How many thousands?
Have they been documented or are you just doing what most people do, marketing with exaggerated, unsubstantiated claims, which are often basically lies and fabrications?
Are there really thousands of documented cases of healing by Mahendra Trivedi? And if there are, why is there not one documented case from any institution in the US? Why hasn’t Mr. Trivedi gotten on any TV show and performed the miracle live on television?
Because he doesn’t want to be tested? But he claims he’s been performing blessings in his retreats & on his phone seminars, and he’s charging for it and being paid for it.
Now, let’s talk about the damage of trying to be infallible causes and why admitting when you are wrong improves relationships.
Whom do you think of when you read this quote and description?
“The world has come to know [him] for his insatiable greed for power, his ruthlessness, cruelty and utter lack-of feeling, his contempt for established institutions and his lack of moral restraints.”
And whom do you think of when you read this quote and description?
“His primary rules…: never allow the public to cool off; never admit a fault or wrong; never concede that there may be some good in your enemy; never leave room for alternatives; never accept blame; concentrate on one enemy at a time and blame him for everything that goes wrong; people will believe a big lie sooner than a little one; and if you repeat it frequently enough people will sooner or later believe it.”
And what about this description?
“Those who surround him are the first to admit that he now thinks himself infallible and invincible. That explains why he can no longer bear either criticism or contradiction. To contradict him is in his eyes a crime of ‘lese-majeste’; opposition to his plans, from whatever it may come, is a definite sacrilege, to which the only reply is an immediate and striking display of his omnipotence.”
Which people in your life did you think of when reading those quotes?
A politician or political candidate?
A former abusive partner?
All three above quotes are the description of the psychological profile of the same person.
In this week’s Success Newsletter, I would like to discuss why you should be grateful and the surprising benefits of gratitude – including insomnia and poor sleep.
First a quick update:
**** “Never Satisfied: Why Powerful Men Cheat” – Mel Gibson, Prince Charles, Tiger Woods, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Jesse James, Marc Anthony, Brent Favre, Rolling stones Ron wood, Evangelist Ted Haggard, US President Bill Clinton, Governor Elliot Spitzer, Governor Mark Sanford, Senator John Edwards, Brad Pitt, and the list goes on. Watch the TV special where I and a panel of experts reveal the real reasons powerful men cheat. The show airs on the Biography Channel at 10pm EST on Thursday, Dec. 8th.
Now, let’s talk about why you should be grateful and the surprising benefits of gratitude – including insomnia and poor sleep.
The USA and Canada celebrate Thanksgiving Day. It stems from the tradition of giving thanks for a good harvest and rejoicing together after much hard work with the rest of the community. The first Europeans in the Americas also celebrated their safe voyage, peace and good harvest.
Today, many people can easily argue that they have fewer reasons to give thanks – world turmoil, uprisings, wars, terrorism, unemployment, foreclosures, ailing economy, increasing poverty, divided communities and nations, civil unrest, broken families, and so forth.
On the other hand, we see rampant narcissism and entitlement – Kim Kardashian’s wedding to Kris Humphries cost ten million dollars but she divorced him after 72 days. All the money, fame, power, influence and glamour still left her unhappy and wanting.
But that is the very cause of unhappiness, confusion and depression – entitlement, greed and the belief that nothing is ever enough.
Yes, there are serious problems around the world today but we are brainwashed on a daily basis with the message that there is something wrong with us, something missing in our lives and we are not good enough – we need to buy this product and amass more stuff; we need to be like Kim Kardashian or some other celebrity or idol.
Thus the cycle begins and we strive to do more, be more and have more – the feelings of entitlement, greed and jealousy enter and we never appreciate anything we have no matter how large or how small because we are always focused on what’s missing, what’s lacking.
“If a fellow isn’t thankful for what he’s got, he isn’t likely to be thankful for what he’s going to get” – Frank A. Clark.