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In this week’s Success Newsletter, I would like to talk about how to identify, understand, and handle emotional vampires, the people who drain your energy and suck the life out of you.
First a quick update:
- “A healthy mind in a healthy body” – The Ancient Greeks and Romans preached the powerful link and circle between the mind and body, and in the 21st century professionals are waking up to this as the key to total health – mental, physical and emotional. The pioneer in this field is Mark Hyman, M.D. — a 4-time NY Times bestselling author. He has 7 keys, and you can see more about these keys, including some startling videos that explain it all, by going to this website now: www.ultramindcoaching.com/es/197/21/cd35/9/
Now, let’s talk about the people that drain you or feed on you mentally, emotionally or energetically – the psychic and emotional vampires.
Almost every one of us has someone in our life whom we wish we could change or whom we wish would change; desiring them to do things differently or to be different. It might be a boss, coworker, colleague, team member, friend, family member or worse, a romantic partner.
Understanding that we cannot change anyone (except ourselves) is step one to inner peace. Step two is to understand yourself and others. Step three is change yourself. Step four is clear out of your life those people that are parasites or bring you down. A client of mine was relating to me that all the women in his life expect him to support them (on many levels) but they never support him. I explained to him that there are only two types of relationships: parasitic (one person living and feeding off the other person) and symbiotic (the two people mutually supporting and benefitting each other.)
A parasite can feed off you mentally, emotionally or energetically. I refer to these people collectively as emotional vampires. And when you are around them, you may feel physically tired, drained, sleepy, weak, agitated, low, small, inadequate, low spirits, hopeless, trapped or afraid.
Identifying the emotional vampires
There are many types of emotional vampires:
Narcissist
Controller
Victim
Criticizer
Drama queen
Please note that I always avoid labeling people, and so, the above terms refer to a person’s behavior and approach to life. Labeling people robs them of their power and in turn, can give them a reason or justification for their behavior i.e. “I can’t help it; I am ADD.” My intention here is to help you to:
- Identify the way people in your life can drain you, (hold you back, rob you of your power, confidence and potential)
- Understand the emotional vampires and their behavior
- Become empowered by offering you some basic strategies to best handle, deal with and respond to those behaviors and people.
Narcissism
This person needs and demands constant praise and attention. He ignores your feelings and interests; believes that the world revolves around him or her, and almost always tends to turn the conversation around to discuss him or her.
You often feel invisible and pressured to compliment and praise him.
Victimhood
This person is extremely needy; often has a story of how the world has wronged him; has many “accidents” and “bad luck”; wallows in self-pity and misery.
You often feel like the parent and therapist to him.
Control
This person dictates and dominates you; he or she is rigid, rarely fun or spontaneous, often telling you what is best for you and how you should be living your life.
You often feel weak and trapped around him.
Criticizer
This person is highly critical, condemnatory and judgmental. He puts others down often and easily points out your flaws.
You often feel inadequate around him.
Drama Queen
This person needs to be center of attention 24 hours a day; he or she is great at getting attention and when he doesn’t get it or his way, he creates drama and outbursts believing that the intense emotion is a healthy connection. This person can also be passive- aggressive: seeking your approval and charming while he has it, but aggressive and abusive when he doesn’t get it.
When you are around this person, you feel like you are walking on egg shells, hiding your true feelings and riding an emotional roller coaster.
Understanding the emotional vampires
All of the above behaviors stem from negative experiences and programming. In other words, the emotional vampires feel empty and are missing something and thus they turn to you to fill them up with: validation, recognition, attention, approval, love, acceptance, reassurance, personal power, etc. No matter how confident and assertive they may appear, underneath, they often suffer from self-hatred, low self-esteem, feelings of inadequacy, guilt, shame and so forth.
Handling the emotional vampires
1. Mentally and emotionally separate yourself from their behavior: “I understand that the way others respond to me is about them”
2. Determine if it is possible to end this relationship – cut them off from your life
3. Become aware of how you feel around this person (creepy, tense, scared, weak, tired, trapped, shut-down, tight chest, etc) and if bad feelings arise, do your best to remove yourself from the setting as soon as possible (before the person can begin to drain or impact you)
4. Always respond with “matter-of-fact” tone and approach; maintain your calm and composure by listening but not allowing their words or behavior to enter you; imagine an impenetrable golden light around you
5. Breathe deeply before speaking back
6. Remind yourself that it is their intention to get a reaction from you
7. Limit your interactions with them as much as possible – avoid socializing
8. Firmly, clearly and openly state your limits and boundaries
9. When experiencing their tantrums and outbursts, imagine you are dealing with a five-year old child
10. Express compassion and empathy but place your limits
Tips to strengthen and empower yourself
The better you feel about yourself, the less you will attract or be affected by the emotional vampires, and the easier it will be to protect yourself and say ‘no’ to them. In other words, build your self-esteem, clear out your stuff (doubts, insecurities, negative emotions, etc.) Avoid socially isolating yourself because you can easily become hypnotized, controlled or dominated by the emotional vampire. Use the emotional vampires as a mirror to understand how they reflect you and why they push your buttons. For example, I once had a close friend who would often freak out over the smallest things, turning them into major dramas and disasters. When I took the time to determine why I would respond with anger, I realized that I would often do the same thing – turn small things into major disasters. I resented in her what I resented in myself. As I changed my behavior and perception of life, her responses had little effect on me and I was able to master the way to handle her, calming her down while not getting emotional myself.
You can add your comment on this newsletter directly below.
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I wish you the best and remind you “Believe in yourself -You deserve the best!”
Patrick Wanis Ph.D.
Celebrity Life Coach, Human Behavior & Relationship Expert & Clinical Hypnotherapist
www.patrickwanis.com
Dear “Ready to grow”,
well done for having the courage to make the tough choices and for speaking your truth regarding emotional vampires and specifically your sister: “So, I told her that I am finding our interactions to be stressful and exhausting and that no matter what she thinks our relationship “should” be, we cannot be each other’s confidant. ”
Also, well done for recognizing when to stand up and leave “when she starts her negative patterns, I tell her I have to go.”
You are right that she might be learning and it is a hard habit to break. The toughest thing for almost all of us to accept relates always to change: we find it hard to accept that somethings change and even harder to accept that people around us won’t change the way we want them. We would all love to be able to change the emotional vampires in our life – particularly our family members because deep down we do love them and we do crave for a meaningful relationship and connection, and, sadly that rarely occurs. And therefore, we need to respond sometimes to emotional vampires or as you called them “emotional vacuum cleaners” with the only thing we can control – our own behavior and response.
I welcome your closing sentence as a great lesson and insight: “I know now that I cannot “fix” her, I can only change the dance so that I am not caught up in her emotional whirlpool any longer.”
All the best and may you continue to grow!
Patrick
Dear Patrick,
This is an amazing blog and set of posts here.. helping us all to understand the day to day, event to event interactions that can leave us feeling deflated and not our positive, happy selves….Your thoughts have certainly helped push me to find more joy in living! THANK YOU!!!
I have questions about my new husband and my relationship (of a blushing eight months)… we’ve known one another for nearly three years.. and have lived in the same city nearly two. But we’re still getting to know one another. I’m 35, never married.. he’s 40, married once to a drama queen.. We were somewhat cautious and tried to be thoughtful in the process of getting married to one another.
I’ve come to see that we both can be emotional vampires, but I find him more consistently one.. as a critical jokster. He loves the show Seinfeld.. and I’ve started to envision him as a character on the show.. negative, narcissistic, somewhat dry and dark in his humor…and he sometimes raises his voice to get his point across. I also find that he sometimes seems bored with what I have to say, is not at all interested in my interests, and belittles me in subtle ways that I end up chalking it up to me feeling ‘hypersensitive’. I also feel like he wants sabotage my budding career as a university teacher ..so that I will only work 30 hours a week, which would have me less stressed and able to tend to him and our household a bit more.
The rub is this: he is not this way all the time.. he’s also sweet, supportive, and can be quite caring.. and wants to be a great husband. My dog (who’s now ours) adores him.. and even seems to favor him over me.
So my questions have more to do with what to do when he’s being a negative, critical, and unrelenting soul.. And I’m either tired or stressed out from work.. This makes for a pretty bad equation. In a run-down state, I often become a bit fearful, needing his validation, hugs, and approval.. and it often takes him some time to muster up some kind words about me. He even seems suspicious about why I would need to be told positive and up-building things..
I start to wonder and worry a little that we just don’t know each other well enough… that I can’t force or change him.. that it’s too high of an expectation to expect him to be kind and thoughtful all of the time.. and then when I start to wonder why I married this man.. I have to remind myself that I’m the one that I need to focus on.. not him.. just try to be strong, positive and up-building to him, for him.
I would love for us to bring out the best in each other, that we are positive and strengthening forces in each others lives — all of the time. Is this way too high of a hope and dream?
Any and all thoughts would be most appreciated.
Thanks again for all you time and care,
bmax
Dear Bmax,
thank you for your kind words and compliments.
It sounds to me that you both have work to do individually and then, as a couple. And yes, I think it would have been wiser to have spent more time getting to know each other before the marriage rather than during the marriage.
I think there is some pain that your husband has not yet cleared. For example, you mentioned that he was married to a drama queen and I think he responds to you as if you were that drama queen. In other words, you are triggering some of his old stuff and that is why he hovers from being negative & narcissistic and then wanting to be a great husband.
You are right that you need to always work on yourself first. However, there are also some things that need to be addressed within the relationship. For example,
step one, identify what you need from him – patience, validation, understanding, support, etc. Step two, ask him what he needs from you. And then third, ask each other why each one feels resentful giving the other person what he or she needs. There are times when we are stressed out or emotionally rundown and we simply don’t feel like propping up the other person (giving approval, praise or validation) but love and marriage is about doing it when you don’t feel like it. And yet, the desire to do it is also a reflection of real love.
Having said that, also look at yourself and determine when you need it and why you need it; is it something often? If so, why? Is it just tough times and challenges or is it a deep issue that has been around for awhile? Your husband can love and support you but he cannot heal you or be responsible for your healing – and vice versa.
It also seems to me that the two of you are not communicating fully. You said: “He even seems suspicious about why I would need to be told positive and up-building things.” Have you discussed this matter? Have you explained to him why you need it? Do you know why you need it?
You also need to explain to him the effect it has on you when he acts “as a critical jokster. He loves the show Seinfeld.. and I’ve started to envision him as a character on the show.. negative, narcissistic, somewhat dry and dark in his humor…and he sometimes raises his voice to get his point across.” Explain to him how it makes you feel and ask him how you can help him and support him.
Does he want to sabotage your career or is he simply recognizing that your present situation is highly stressful and that the stress makes you fearful and dependent on him – even clingy? Talk to him, ask him questions; talk about the way you feel and listen. Ask him for his perspective and expain your perspective. Don’t condemn; say “I feel…”
Why do you say that you must “be strong, positive and up-building to him, for him”?It sounds as if you are feeling guilty and acting as if you must live to serve him.
Also, regarding stress, please look at ways to reduce the stress in your life because that will affect your relationship; it will affect your emotions and can even make you needy and emotionally vulnerable. Is he also under a lot of stress?
You also said “I would love for us to bring out the best in each other, that we are positive and strengthening forces in each others lives — all of the time. Is this way too high of a hope and dream? ” Yes, it is possible and no, it is not too high of a hope and dream. Begin by asking him how you can be that for him and then let him know how he can be that for you. Make sure they are clearly tangible ways – actions, words, response, etc.
I wish you the best and please let me know how it goes.
Patrick
Dear Sheila,
well done for recognizing that it is time to stand up for yourself and allow only healthy relationships into your life.
Personally, I don’t have an issue with the term “best friends”; I think you would be happy to use that term if she was your best friend – but it appears that it is hard to accept that term when you feel someone is an emotional vampire.
Sometimes we stick with people because it is familiar and because they know us so we don’t need to start all over again explaining who we are and how we think. In fact, it also becomes somewhat harder to make friends as we get older because we have less access to people; in school and college we are surrounded by so many people but later in life we associate with a smaller group of people – at work and we often spend most of our time with the children.
Now, you that you have recognized that you feel she is not your friend and does not care about you, then ask yourself why you are afraid to let her go from your life – to ignore her attempts at making you feel guilty. Is it becuase you are afraid you will be alone or will not be able to find new healthy friends?
We have to say no to what we do not want so we can say yes to what we do want.
You can make new empowering friends by taking the time to find them! Try joining clubs or groups that interest you – reading clubs, hobbie clubs, walking clubs, etc.
Finally, sometimes, you just have to take the hard action and go through the period of feeling uncomfortable so that you can cut off people who once controlled you. Then you can be free to welcome new real friends. You will regain your confidence once you put yourself first.
All the best,
Patrick
Dear Cathleen,
I sympathize sincerely that you have suffered so much.
I am not fully clear about the changes your husband has made. You said he has turned to God and has become more giving but still engages in illegal activity, gray areas or simply practices that are untheical. You also said that you are engaging in “other emotional clearing techniques just to allow myself to see him not as the person that he has been in the past, but as a person who has good qualities, too.”
First, have you fogiven him for the past? Does he regret his ways? Has he recognized the hurt and pain caused?
Second, what image are you trying to see of him and why? Are you trying to forget the past and only focus on his good? That is fine if he has changed; if not, then you are simply in denial. Yes, I teach to love, forgive and focus on the good but I don’t teach to remain in a negative relationship and focus on the good.
This leads to my third point: it is a huge and dangerous belief that it is good to stay together for the sake of the children; it is not if there is no love in the relationship; it is not if there is pain and abuse in the relationship. Children learn by 1. watching their parents and copying them; 2. by listening to their parents and absorbing and accepting what they hear and 3; by what they experience.
In other words, the pain, abuse, lack of love, narcissism, manipulation, criticism, etc are all very harmful for your daughter. She will grow up with a bad example of relationships; she will grow up thinking that the woman must accept the abuse from the man; she will grow up frightened to express herself and be herself.
Your daughter needs love, protection and nurturing. She also needs to witness and feel love between her parents. Hearing arguments will leave her afraid, traumatized and insecure. She will grow up with anxiety. She will absorb a lot of your pain.
Remember, suffering on your part at the hands of abuse is not loving for your daughter – even though that is your intention.
Love yourself and teach your daughter to love and respect herself.
None of these steps are easy but you must take the tough steps to love yourself…
I hope this helps and please let me know how it goes.
All the best,
Patrick
Dear Joan,
all of the advice and the ten tips and strategies for dealing with emotional vampires still apply to you. However, i would like to add to work on yourself first, and you will eventually arrive at the place where you accept him even though you might find that he is not for you and neither is the relationship if it is destructive to you and your soul.
Notice I said “accept him” and I said you might still leave. What I mean here is that you arrive at the place where you no longer waste energy trying to change him but you also recognize that you need to take the path that is the healthiest for you.
All the best,
Patrick
[...] my Success Newsletter of June 10, 2009 “Dealing with emotional vampires” http://patrickwanis.com/blog/index.php/2009/06/10/dealing-with-emotional-vampires/ , I revealed the five types of emotional vampires in our life; those people that can drain our [...]
Dear Patrick,
I just wanted to write how great your advice is and that its wonderful someone is giving out strong, down-to-earth, logical advice on a topic that is as messy and involved as relationships and human emotions! I hope you continue on for many years to come as it sends back so much positivity and good vibes in a world that is a little overwhelming and dark at times.
Thanks!!!
mia.
Dear Mia,
thank you for taking the time to acknowledge my articles and advice. I am sincerely grateful to be able to help people.
You might also be interested to watch a TV interview I gave about Emotional Vampires http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mo3zKlx89FE
All the best,
Patrick
Hi,
My girlfriend fits alot of what you have described. I love her very much but her parinoid behavior is pushing me away. She also is big on the drama queen and victim role. It’s like any answer i give her isn’t good enough becasue it’s not the one she wants to hear. She also get’s down on herself and can transfer her problems into anger towards me
[...] [...]
Dear Kirk,
thanks for writing and yes, it is truly a challenge to love someone who “gets down on herself” and then takes it out on you. How long have you been together?
Is she just starting to reveal this side? Is it pressure and stress or do you think it has always been there?
It’s important to understand that you cannot change her – however – you can help her. Sit down in a neutral place – preferably outside to talk to her. Note what I said: neutral and outside. Neutral refers to the fact that it is not your home or her home; outside because it allows for a more open conversation by lowering her defenses. In other words, set up a time and place to talk; do not wait till you explode or walk out on the relationship. Eventually, you will tell her how you feel – better to do it now than after the relationship has ended.
By sitting outside in a neutral place, you have a safe place for both of you to discuss your feelings. Begin with questions e.g. “last week I heard you say such and such and I felt you were putting yourself down. What moved you to do this? How can I help?”
If you start with exploratory questions, then there is less chance of her being defensive or paranoid. Also, you can help her to lower her defenses by lowering yours and expressing vulnerability; maybe try sharing a personal story of something meaningful in your past and how it left you feeling.
Also, ask yourself the tough question about how and why you attracted this person into your life and how and why you are attracted to her? I used to attract girls that needed rescuing because I believed that was my role and purpose as well as my identity. It also prevented me from having to reveal my true self…I also didn’t believe that I deserved to be treated better than they were treating me…
Let me know what happens and I hope this helps.
All the best,
Patrick
Great Article! As difficult as it sounds, I had to separate myself from both my father and my sister (they are peas in a pod) and come to terms with not having them in my life as they were both emotional vampires and both exhibited ALL of the signs you listed. I never knew what to call them or their behavior, but I was self-actualized enough to realize that at 49, I could not continue to let them have power over me and drain me of my self esteem or energy any longer.
Now I am so much more happy, energetic and positive about life. While I miss having family in my life, I’ve adopted a new family: my friends. They are supportive and helpful, build me up and are there for me without judgment.
Whereas my sister and father were hyper-critical and could find a bad point in any thing I presented to them, including winning awards, getting new clients, purchasing beautiful land or meeting someone special. It didn’t matter what great thing happened to me, they simply had nothing positive to say about it. Both have trigger tempers, are oddly sensitive to anyone else’s actions, blow things out of proportion and have tantrums (sometimes public ones, the worst) when things didn’t go perfectly their way. I used to be quite stressed around them and avoided them as much as possible. Eventually, I just stopped contacting them altogether.
Now my shoulders have relaxed and my heart has stopped pounding. I can actually look forward to months and months of stress-free living. Hopefully what you say here will help others delete emotional vampires from their lives as well!
Dear Johnny,
thanks for sharing your experiences.
It sounds like your choice to cut off your father and sister is a recent one. One of the hardest things to do in life is to cut off the people closest to you such as your family when they turn out to be unhealthy for you. It is always empowering to understand why they or anyone for that matter acts the way they do. Sometimes, people are motivated by jealousy, anger, resentment or simply want to cut you down because they feel inadequate.
While I promote loving and understanding your family, I also teach that you must love yourself first. Trying to love someone who continually abuses you in any form – mental, physical, verbal or emotional – only serves to destroy you. Sometimes you need to cut them off and begin to love and nurture yourself while still lovign them from a distance. That implies letting them know what you will and won’t accept; telling them you love them but won’t accept their behavior – remembering that their behavior always comes from a place of self-loathing. So, how can anyone love someone who doesn’t love him or herself? It’s not possible because that person who doesn’t love him or herself will stop or prevent you from loving them!
All the best,
Patrick
Hi Patrick,
Great article. I am in a relationship with a wonderful lady. We have been together for four years now and between us, life is good. The emotional vampire is her ex who is also the father of her daughter. He constantly is running her down and verbally and emotionally abusing her. She puts up with this because she is still trying to keep him in her daughters life. Of course, the daughter loves her daddy even though he is not financially or emotionally supportive.
What is your suggestion for dealing with a person like this that actually fits ALL of the criteria that you described in the article? Thanks for your reply.
Glenn
[...] [...]
Dear Patrick,
I am recently married and have recently discovered that my wife is an emotional vampire. Dealing with her is like an emotional roller coaster. She constantly wants attention, whenever I go to the gym she always ask when am I coming back. Whenever we have a disagreement she makes everything a major issue. Whenever she wants sex and I don’t give it to her she creates this dramatic scene that I don’t want to be with her or ask if im happy.I’m just tired! Today I asked her why she had an attitude and she said she didn’t so I said okay. Than she asked why I asked that and I answered because your body language to me looked like you were upset. She than begins to say in a negative tone I’m fine there’s nothing wrong with me. So i responded okay lets leave it alone. She than preceeds to get extremely upset and jumps out of the car. I’m sorry but this reaction was totally unwarranted and we are only two months into this marriage. I need to know if I should continue with this drama because I really can’t take to much of this. I don’t want to get divorced I really want this to work, but is it possible for someone with this issue to really change? Because I can not and will not live my life like this. I have never seen this before the wedding. I feel like she kept this part of her hidden just so that we would get married because she states that every other guy before has left her. I can understand why they left if she acted like this with all of them. She claims they cheated on her if that was so why didn’t she leave them. I tried to give her some constructive critisizm and everything is takened negatively. She says that I am too quick to want to give up but I have already been through a bad marriage and can’t continue another if I am to maintain my sanity. It seems like every other day there is some new emotional drama. She acts like I should kiss her butt, but I have never been a butt kisser. When I get really upset she becomes very appologetic and says she is going to see a counselor.
Dear Glenn,
is the daughter’s father a good father? Is he good and healthy for his daughter?
A friend who was in a very similar situation took drastic action to cut off the ex-husband (via court) because he was unhealthy for the daughters and he was a bad father even when he was visiting.
If this man is “constantly is running her down and verbally and emotionally abusing her” (the mother) then consider what else she and you can do to minimize contact between him and her (the mother.) If the abuse escalates, consider a restraining order.
Another approach might be for the mother (or a mutual friend whom the father respects) to speak with him and tell him that while he might have issues (resentment, jealousy, etc) towards the mother, his actions are actually hurting the daughter and will eventually cause the daughter to resent one or the other parent – but most likely the father!
I hope this helps,
All the best,
Patrick
Dear Marc,
thanks for sharing your story.
It is true and common that once we enter into the security of a relationship, our true selves come out. A relationship naturally brings out all of our insecurities, doubts and other issues.
Your wife is being clingy or needby because she feels insecure and afraid because she was betrayed in other relationships.
Before making a decision about staying or breaking up, may I humbly suggest that you both visit a counselor. And given that she says she is going to see one, then ask her to do so and ensure that she follows through with that.
Also, does she in any way, remind you of yoru former wife or other ex-girlfriends?
All the best,
Patrick
Hi Patrick,
I have been reading a lot on emotional vampires and now realize that I have been truly involved in such a relationship for the past 3 years.
My recent ex partner has spent those years distancing me from my family and friends. Extremely jealous of the time I spend with my children.
I am at fault for all arguements and problems in the relationship, when ever I say I cant take it anymore, she becomes unwell.
I have spent 3 years hearing about her life of neglect, sexual abuse, still births, failed marriages, relationships, reasons for affairs etc. She has had a terrible life.
Through all of this I have tried harder, done more emotionlly, financially.
I have wanted to be her knight on the white horse and rescue her.
It has been a very on,off relationship.
I moved out 6 months ago, although we continued the relationship, only for her to end it every 3 weeks, blaming me for her shit of a life.Her words!!
Finally, I have walked out, saying I am not coming back!!!
The problem is, I am so down, depressed, miss her terribly, would do anything to get her back!!!
At times in the last 2 weeks I have thought about all the different ways to get her back!!!
I know its toxic, please help me with some advice to get through this stage.
I have read many of the remarks posted here & I can truly relate to almost all of them. My mother has since past away 2 years ago now. Although I loved her I felt many of the same issues as many of you. I think that too I have picked husband ( relationships) from subconcious behaviors that mimic my mom. Very controlling and self absorbed kind of people. I was not raised by her so in many wYs I feel I was spared her bad traits transferring onto me. But I know I have some abandonment issues and worry anxiety issues. I am really conscious of these issues & I try very hard to let go and not be a worry wort over everything. I’m married now to a great guy. We’ve been together for 18 hrs. But I do have difficulty with him in that I’m always trying to please him and i care way too much about keeping the peace. And he is usually very sweet to me but he does have a moody side where he is extremely impatient and even yells @ me & on occasion has been down right hurtful with some very mean remarks. He always apologizes and I always forgive but I do stick up for myself & I let him know that when he says mean & nasty things they r unacceptable to me. Like most marriage relationships it’s a give & take & no one is perfect. They can be very complicated. But to the rest of the world he is well perceived and people think of him as a kind and warm person which he is for the most part.but during his moody times he can b a real jerk to me. I always take this so hard and I feel like he just sucked the life out of me. To point where I suffer greatly with health issues. It feels like when I think on this and past stuff from him and my mom that it’s just more than I can bear. I wind up in bed for days with colon flare ups etc… It’s awful. When I express these things in a loving way with great diplomacy but firmness too he seems to understand and try’s to be nicer. But eventually a week or a month or sometimes even a few months go by and we are back in the same cycle. Me expressing to him & he always being sorry. I hate it with all my heart. And it makes me sad for him too that he is always saying sorry. He is a good person and I love him very much but my health I know suffers greatly because I can’t seem to shut him out & not let his mood swing thing effect me. How do I shield myself enough without becoming numb. I’ve tried prayer meditation hobbies etc… But now I’m too sick to do much of anything and I feel overwhelmed!!!
[...] [...]
This article has given me a lot to think about. It seems that throughout my life I’ve befriended people who tended to be emotional vampires and there was something in me that was perfect prey for them.
I suppose I am attracted to these damaged types of people–perhaps I am a “rescuer” type.
I want to help them but I realize that in my effort in being a friend or a shoulder to cry on I find I’ve allowed them to completely drain me emotionally.
Your advice is very helpful–my problem isn’t my empathy and compassion; it’s the fact that I did not set BOUNDARIES with them and so I allowed them to push me until they bled me dry.
I feel really angry right now–not at them, but at myself. I feel I let myself be manipulated and taken advantage of. I didn’t listen to the gut feelings that I had when I met these people, the feelings that told me that they were messed up and a deep involvement with them is probably not a good thing.
Dear Rescuer,
it’s okay to be angry at yourself – as a way to push yourself to change your behavior.
Ask yourself why you chose not to follow your gut feelings. Also, ask yourself how you became a rescuer. How did that become your identity? Did you do the same thing as a child for the people around you? Maybe you had to be the strong one in your family and you simply learned that behavior as a way of getting love and attention, or as a way to survive – but obviously that doesn’t work as an adult because you then attract the emotional vampires who take but never give.
Be kind and gentle on yourself and make the decision to create a new identity for yourself. Let other people help you; let other people give to you!
All the best,
Patrick
It is literally midmorning (3am South African Time) and I can’t sleep at all.
I’ve just realize that I have became a victim of my kindness. I’ve bad tendency of feeling for others thinking that I can change their lives for better by feeling compelled to help them. I always attract emotionally, materially and spiritually needy people in my life. The spiritually needy I don’t mind them that much because I like encouraging others. Though I love lifting other the emotionally needy ones sometimes drain me big time. I carry their burdens at the end of the day it backfires at me badly. To site one picture on the materially needy ones to you, please check the scenarios below:
1. The Materially Needy
I come from a very poor background whereby my mom couldn’t even afford a pair of school shoes during my high school years. After completing my high school education I stayed home for a year because there was no money to take me to the University or to the College. The following year I was able to collect some money for admission at Teachers Colleges. I did my three years Teachers Diploma which was sponsored by the Education Department. I was forced by circumstances to do this diploma since it was the cheapest and I was also forced by my mom to go for it so that I can come back to help to help her raise my four siblings since she was a single mother through divorce. I am the first child in my family out of the five of us. I grew up being told that I must help other, I never put myself first in life even today I still struggle with that and now I feel like a victim.
I did my post graduation studies in my adulthood (mid-thirties). In my varsity years I also felt compelled to help other students who come from needy families because they share their pathetic background with me and it will hit so bad inside so much that I will feel to share my resources with me. Some of them I even had to provide a roof over their head for them, other I had to buy them clothes from my clothing accounts. Today they are all have good careers and some in good position in their workplace but none of the have ever said THANK YOU to me instead some of them HATE me.
At the time of my varsity years I was married to a very caring husband who also very concerned about my caring patterns which he describe as “apologetic for having a good life”. He deed acknowledged that it was good for me to help others but I should not feel compelled to do so.
Today I am four years widowed with three minor kids (7, 10 and 13 years). I am without a formal employment. I’ve started a consulting company and juggling with different projects. I have lost my job during the recessions since it was a contracted HR position.
Recently I put my sister and her husband in one of the houses which I inherited from my husband’s estate. They were under serious financial situation, then we verbally agreed that they will pay the water and electricity accounts as well as the rate and taxes and not pay any rentals to me so that they can pick up their financial situation. Today they have left my house and got themselves a new house and left me with a huge debt of rates and taxes and strained relationships between us.
Patrick, I am sorry to be jumping with my stories, what I’m trying to say here is that “the good I always try to do is always thrown back into my face”. “I am always a victim of my kindness”. The people I always help always turn to be my enemies or they avoid me and I don’t even ask for a repay or a reward I was just helping!!
My 13year old was very angry with me recently and she said to me “Mommy you always do good things to these people and they always give you an attitude, I hate it.
Patrick please advise me, I know it has something to do with me. What is it that I am not doing right?
Lastly, I just want to acknowledge and appreciated the articles or the newsletters I receive from you on monthly basis. They are bringing a lot of awakening, awareness, transformation, healing even regrets and guilt feelings. Why regrets and guilt feelings, most of the time after reading some of your articles I feel like I can start my life all over again and do things in a right way. With some of the articles I am able to act immediately.
Your recent newsletter “the dangers of your brain”, triggered my emotions.
I am currently working on my book on widowhood experiences, and I am praying for wisdom, courage and discipline to complete it.
Thank you very much Patrick, I will really appreciate your help.
Kind regards
Violet (South Africa)
Dear Violet,
thank you for writing to me and it is great and inspiring to know that I have people from across the globe reading my newsletters. Thank you for the compliments and I am glad they are benefiting you.
It is good to be kind to other people in need but you must be kind to yourself. The people that you have helped who don’t seem to be grateful may also be responding to your sense of desperation and neediness. Their ingratitude is not justified but “we teach other people how to treat us.” In other words, people get a vibe and a sense from us about what we believe about ourselves. Have you noticed a pattern that when someone has low self-esteem, other people treat him or her even worse; and yet, the person who has high self-esteem is treated very well.
In other words, you must treat yourself as important. You cannot and do not have to help everyone. Begin by helping yourself.
How?
Start right now by putting yourself first.
I understand that might be a challenge because for your entire life you have put everyone else first. So, put yourself first with small things and then build up; take baby steps. Begin to say “no.” Read my newsletter “Saying No” – http://patrickwanis.com/blog/index.php/saying-no/
Also read my newsletter: “Loving and respecting yourself” – http://patrickwanis.com/blog/index.php/loving-and-respecting-yourself/
Now here is another question to challenge you: Can you say no, not help everybody and still be worthy and valuable?
My point is that sometimes we create an identity for ourselves and we create an importance for ourselves by taking up the role of rescuer, savior or helper. Did you do this as a child? I did and so I kept doing it until I changed my belief that I could be lovable and still say no, and not help everybody i.e. I could let go of the old role of rescuer and savior.
I hope this helps and all the best,
Patrick
Patrick,
A good friend passed this blog onto me, as she uses it to deal with her mother. All of these “types” describe my brother. He may be bipolar, but he will not entertain that thought. He was a “mama’s boy” until the age of about 16 when our mother died. I think that because he lost his “best friend,” he lost his mind and never came back. He is a technical/ computer genius who could be making close to a 3 figure salary, but instead, his wife left him after 10 years (they were extremely co-dependent, and she was an enabler). She was the breadwinner, so he ended up getting a small part of her pension. That small sum is just a bit more than my yearly salary. He has started buying more computers and equipment since he got it.
He has no job (says he has to take care of our dad since I left and moved across the country), so that is his excuse for not working. He looks like a homeless mountain man and refuses to cut his nasty, frizzy, long hair and beard (another excuse to not work, he says “nobody is going to tell me how I have to look, and if they do, I dont want to work for them).
My mother was manic depressant, she could not stand up to us, so even though we did not have money, we always got what we wanted. We always fought; my mother would get mad and then hit herself as hard as she could, and she constantly talked about how fat and ugly she was. I have that issue too, even though she told me she knew it was wrong to talk about herself that way. She thought if she talked about being fat right when she walked in the door, no one else needed to say anything and she wouldnt get hurt. I picked it up from her.
My mother covered up her low esteem by making people laugh. Following in her footsteps, it is my brother’s goal to make people hear him and laugh at all of his jokes. His whole life revolves around this…no one can have a normal conversation about anything, because he has to have all the attention in the room. He will call me and say “I killed at the bank and the store today!” Like I am supposed to be jealous. Truth is, I have told him “they are not laughing with you, they are laughing at you,” and his answer is, “good that is what I want.” I am embarrassed to be around him and to be related to him. When we fight, I say I am going to cut him out of my life, but then I feel bad after a few weeks because he has no friends. I am tired of feeling sorry for someone who acts this way.
I have tried to continuously change the way I see things and the way I feel about myself, admitting that I have low self esteem and other issues. I know that at 45, I am able to change instead of blaming my mother. I see some of myself in my brother as well, but he maintains that he loves himself and has a perfect level of self esteem. I know what bothers us in others is what we see in them that reminds us of ourselves. But I am getting ready to go visit, and feel like I am being sentenced to jail for 2 wks. He buys me things as proof he cares, then when he starts yelling and we fight he throws at me “Oh isnt it nice I bought you this or that, since you are so nice to me and so encouraging.” I dont ask him for things, so it is totally inappropriate for him to say this to me all the time. From your article, I know to simply say “I am going for a walk, maybe we can talk when you are calm,” but if you have any other advice, I would love to hear it. I am aware I am not perfect and fly off the handle sometimes also, but I am trying to change! He says I never encourage him, and I tell him that is because anytime I tell him something good that happens to me, he just says “oh cool” and blows it off, or “well arent you the little expert.” So I tend to give him that same medicine back. I know this is wrong.
Thank You,
Kat
Thank you for your article on Emotional Vampires! I realized that I have attracted quite a few I my life, and am now learning how to set firmer boundaries. The sad part about it is, that setting boundaries and trying to communicate compassionately about the emotional draining issue resulted in many defenses and ultimately loss of that friendship. This has happened now with about 3 friendships. Although now I realize that these were not true friendships, and that these individuals perceive and use friendships to only get their own needs met and did not have genuine interests in me other than to serve their own neediness. One even admitted to feeling “fed” after talking on the phone usually for over an hour.
As a woman however, I do find it part of my nature in relationships to want to share and emotionally connect through verbal communication. I see that this can sometimes be confused with emotional neediness by men and those who are “emotionally unavailable” and shut down. I can also see how such a emotionally shut down man would perceive any woman who wanted to get close this way as “an emotional vampire”. Can you address this issue, say how to tell the difference between a true emotional need expressed in a healthy way? And also, how to deal with those who are emotionally shut down and who avoid authentic heart centered communication?
Thank you.
Dear Evie,
When you become clear about the definition of a healthy relationship and when you believe that you deserve healthy symbiotic relationships (not parasitic relationships), then you do find yourself cutting people out of your life. It’s not easy to let go of people who have been in our lives for some time and when we have developed bonds (even unhealthy ones) with them.
Women place greater emphasis on relationships than men do and women respond to stress by tending and befriending (talking it out with other women.)
You also asked “how to tell the difference between a true emotional need expressed in a healthy way?” and unhealthy way. The answer is simple: how do you feel when this person is speaking with you – do you feel drained or compassionate? Is the person simply dumping and on a regular basis or is this person seeking a sympathetic ear? Does he/she also offer the same to you – a sympathetic and compassionate ear?
Finally, you also wrote:
“And also, how to deal with those who are emotionally shut down and who avoid authentic heart centered communication?”
A simple question: Why do you want a relationship with someone male or female who is “emotionally shut down and who avoid authentic heart centered communication?”
If they are shut down emotionally and avoid authentic heart centered communication, then you will never have a satisfying relationship and you will never feel a real connection with him/her. Ask yourself whether or not you are afraid to have a real connection and whether or not you can open your heart to someone who will also open his/her heart to you?
All the best,
Patrick
Patrick,
Thank you for such a quick response. Very appreciated!
Good questions. I think it takes alot of self trust and awareness to know when or if we are being overly emotionally needy and also if we are with those who habitually avoid emotional closeness. When that happens, their emotional avoidance can make one feel “unloved, needy and inadequate”. This is a challenge ( I realize now–after years of therapy) because if you’ve not known true emotional respect and intimacy in a love relationship, it makes it scary to trust and open up. It is good to “reality check” what real “normal” needs are, with others who are “emotionally healthy”.
May I post your above article on emotional vampires on my web blog? ( or if you prefer perhaps only a link? I am in the process of redesigning a web site and am dedicating a section to emotional and psychic vampirism. The new web site is different than the one now. When its up I can send you the updated link.
Warmly,
Evie
Dear Evie,
You are welcome.
Yes, sometimes we need to look at the people to whom we are attracted and notice that they are a reflection of us or a belief of ours. For example, the man to whom you refer does not open up and is emotionally closed and therefore that keeps you safe because it protects you from having to feel your emotions and protects you from being vulnerable and having to trust someone else.
Well done for the awareness Evie.
Yes, post the first 100 words or so of my article and then link it back to this page -to my article.
All the best,
Patrick
I am spent, done, broken, sucked dry.
After my mother’s sudden passing in 2006, I had this naïve, idealistic notion that my husband and I could help my father out and help take care of him. Yeah, he has a history of bipolar and passive-dependent disorder but I wasn’t sure I was on board that the bipolar thing—he wasn’t staying up all night long on drinking or gambling binges, violent or anything. Nevertheless, he probably would have been placed in special ed in today’s educational settings and my mom always took care of the bills, worked, took care of him, etc., so I agreed to a Power of Attorney wherein I could take care of the banking, bills, etc. He became very ill about three months after my mother passed and needed to have his large bowel removed, replaced with an ostomy bag. He almost died throughout that whole ordeal and probably two-three times after that.
The thing is, I can’t figure out why he didn’t just die already. Why survive c-diff infection and bowel surgery to not LIVE? He doesn’t do anything to care for himself. He relies on me, my husband and a hired caregiver to do everything for him. He has imposed upon me to be his nurse (even with a homecare nurse coming to his place); his confidant; advisor; ever-flowing mommy breast; endless source of sustenance, his life-source. I learned a long while ago what happens when I try to have my own life; i.e., time with my daughters and caring for their needs; time for my marriage; work my part-time job—if I don’t give due attention to “Bernie,” well, a number of things can happen: he can have a “fall,” 18th century female fainting style—the ‘swoon’ and everything; gets “confused” about things; ends up in the hospital….whatever.
I thought I felt bad for my mother before she died. Now I am LIVING IT and I know that he killed her. If she didn’t have to contend with him and his BS she’d have had time for more mundane things like her OWN doctor’s appointments, etc. Instead, I think on some level, she gave up. He wore her down, just like he’s wearing me down.
Now, to be honest, I’m good for nobody. Not for my father, myself, my husband or kids, friends, or job. I’m stuck—too much to do to move forward and not much energy to do anything about it. Some of the best years of my children’s lives have gone by in time-warp speed and as for my marriage, if I were my husband I would divorce me and run like hell.
So this is what it’s like. Most days I wish I would fall into a hole in the ground or just float away. I don’t really talk about it because who’s going to get it—after all, he is a 78-y/o man with numerous health problems, a vulnerable adult! The difference is, most elderly people fiercely protect their independence and don’t like the idea of needlessly burdening their adult children, while my father waits eagerly for Mother-Theresa-Life-Force to come and clean and powder his ass. So yes, if you can avoid my mother’s mistake and not marry this type of person, your future children will appreciate it.
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hey sir..
i read ur newsletters n i fount then eally awesome… n i just wanted to know d place or site where i can register my problem… i really need your help…!!!
Hi Patrick, Thank you so much for this – although I see I am a little late in arriving! Having just received yet another unsolicited gift, phone call (not picked up) and e-mail (begging me to tell him if I hated him) from my ex I finally have a ‘shape’ to his behaviour and confirmation that cutting him from my life was the only way to stop his destructive sabotage on us both. I am considering sending him this article and your follow up on how to free himself from this behaviour pattern in the hope that he can break free – he truly is the most unhappy person I have ever met. I thank you therefore on his behalf too in hope that he will find peace. Sincere thanks, Louise
Dear Louise,
I am sincerely glad that my article and information were helpful to you.
Your ex might be able to benefit from the article – if he is ready and open.
The most important thing is that you are free. Now be sure to check that you now feel and believe that you deserve to be loved and to have somoenbe that welcomes your love!
All the best,
Patrick
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