In this week’s Success Newsletter, I would like to talk about how to identify, understand, and handle emotional vampires, the people who drain your energy and suck the life out of you.
First a quick update:
- “A healthy mind in a healthy body” - The Ancient Greeks and Romans preached the powerful link and circle between the mind and body, and in the 21st century professionals are waking up to this as the key to total health – mental, physical and emotional. The pioneer in this field is Mark Hyman, M.D. — a 4-time NY Times bestselling author. He has 7 keys, and you can see more about these keys, including some startling videos that explain it all, by going to this website now: www.ultramindcoaching.com/es/197/21/cd35/9/
Now, let’s talk about the people that drain you or feed on you mentally, emotionally or energetically – the psychic and emotional vampires.
Almost every one of us has someone in our life whom we wish we could change or whom we wish would change; desiring them to do things differently or to be different. It might be a boss, coworker, colleague, team member, friend, family member or worse, a romantic partner.
Understanding that we cannot change anyone (except ourselves) is step one to inner peace. Step two is to understand yourself and others. Step three is change yourself. Step four is clear out of your life those people that are parasites or bring you down. A client of mine was relating to me that all the women in his life expect him to support them (on many levels) but they never support him. I explained to him that there are only two types of relationships: parasitic (one person living and feeding off the other person) and symbiotic (the two people mutually supporting and benefitting each other.)
A parasite can feed off you mentally, emotionally or energetically. I refer to these people collectively as emotional vampires. And when you are around them, you may feel physically tired, drained, sleepy, weak, agitated, low, small, inadequate, low spirits, hopeless, trapped or afraid.
Identifying the emotional vampires
There are many types of emotional vampires:
Narcissist
Controller
Victim
Criticizer
Drama queen
Please note that I always avoid labeling people, and so, the above terms refer to a person’s behavior and approach to life. Labeling people robs them of their power and in turn, can give them a reason or justification for their behavior i.e. “I can’t help it; I am ADD.” My intention here is to help you to:
- Identify the way people in your life can drain you, (hold you back, rob you of your power, confidence and potential)
- Understand the emotional vampires and their behavior
- Become empowered by offering you some basic strategies to best handle, deal with and respond to those behaviors and people.
Narcissism
This person needs and demands constant praise and attention. He ignores your feelings and interests; believes that the world revolves around him or her, and almost always tends to turn the conversation around to discuss him or her.
You often feel invisible and pressured to compliment and praise him.
Victimhood
This person is extremely needy; often has a story of how the world has wronged him; has many “accidents” and “bad luck”; wallows in self-pity and misery.
You often feel like the parent and therapist to him.
Control
This person dictates and dominates you; he or she is rigid, rarely fun or spontaneous, often telling you what is best for you and how you should be living your life.
You often feel weak and trapped around him.
Criticizer
This person is highly critical, condemnatory and judgmental. He puts others down often and easily points out your flaws.
You often feel inadequate around him.
Drama Queen
This person needs to be center of attention 24 hours a day; he or she is great at getting attention and when he doesn’t get it or his way, he creates drama and outbursts believing that the intense emotion is a healthy connection. This person can also be passive- aggressive: seeking your approval and charming while he has it, but aggressive and abusive when he doesn’t get it.
When you are around this person, you feel like you are walking on egg shells, hiding your true feelings and riding an emotional roller coaster.
Understanding the emotional vampires
All of the above behaviors stem from negative experiences and programming. In other words, the emotional vampires feel empty and are missing something and thus they turn to you to fill them up with: validation, recognition, attention, approval, love, acceptance, reassurance, personal power, etc. No matter how confident and assertive they may appear, underneath, they often suffer from self-hatred, low self-esteem, feelings of inadequacy, guilt, shame and so forth.
Handling the emotional vampires
1. Mentally and emotionally separate yourself from their behavior: “I understand that the way others respond to me is about them”
2. Determine if it is possible to end this relationship – cut them off from your life
3. Become aware of how you feel around this person (creepy, tense, scared, weak, tired, trapped, shut-down, tight chest, etc) and if bad feelings arise, do your best to remove yourself from the setting as soon as possible (before the person can begin to drain or impact you)
4. Always respond with “matter-of-fact” tone and approach; maintain your calm and composure by listening but not allowing their words or behavior to enter you; imagine an impenetrable golden light around you
5. Breathe deeply before speaking back
6. Remind yourself that it is their intention to get a reaction from you
7. Limit your interactions with them as much as possible – avoid socializing
8. Firmly, clearly and openly state your limits and boundaries
9. When experiencing their tantrums and outbursts, imagine you are dealing with a five-year old child
10. Express compassion and empathy but place your limits
Tips to strengthen and empower yourself
The better you feel about yourself, the less you will attract or be affected by the emotional vampires, and the easier it will be to protect yourself and say ‘no’ to them. In other words, build your self-esteem, clear out your stuff (doubts, insecurities, negative emotions, etc.) Avoid socially isolating yourself because you can easily become hypnotized, controlled or dominated by the emotional vampire. Use the emotional vampires as a mirror to understand how they reflect you and why they push your buttons. For example, I once had a close friend who would often freak out over the smallest things, turning them into major dramas and disasters. When I took the time to determine why I would respond with anger, I realized that I would often do the same thing – turn small things into major disasters. I resented in her what I resented in myself. As I changed my behavior and perception of life, her responses had little effect on me and I was able to master the way to handle her, calming her down while not getting emotional myself.
If you would like to comment on this newsletter, go to www.patrickwanis.com/blog if you have received this newsletter as a forward and would like to receive all of my newsletters please enter your email address on the home page at PatrickWanis.com.
I wish you the best and remind you “Believe in yourself -You deserve the best!”
Patrick Wanis Ph.D.
Celebrity Life Coach, Human Behavior & Relationship Expert & Clinical Hypnotherapist
www.patrickwanis.com
Have had many emotional vampires through the years. Luckily, I have learned to deal with them. Your article was right-on. I am copying it and giving it to several friends who I am sure it will help. - Thanks
Patrick,
I really enjoy your newsletters. The one on emotional vampires is especially good. I forwarded it to several people.
May you continue to be a blessing and be blessed.
I too will pass this on to others. Liked the analogy of the reflection. In my experience it is not always a reflection of myself. In the past I had a romantic partner who had attached negative cords to me so at first I thought it was me but it was THEIR reflection/energy that was most prevalent. I have found good info from a website by Kaleah LaRoche that is and was very helpful in affirming my observations and the healing work of cutting the cords. Thanks and keep up the good work!
Patrick,
Thanks for your newsletters, they are very useful!
About this one (”Dealing with emotional Vampires) I would like to ask you if you could give us ideas on how to change for better if we are actually one of these emotional vampires, and not the “victims”.
Thanks!
Dear CC,
WOW! What courage and honesty you displayed in asking for assistance if “we are actually one of these emotional vampires, and not the “victims”.
You have inspired me and so, I will make this my next Success Newsletter; so look for “Freeing the emotional vampire in you”!
Again, I honor you for standing up and admitting something that you feel you need and desire to change!
All the very best,
Patrick
Here is the link with advice for what to do if you turn out to be the emotional vampire:
http://patrickwanis.com/blog/index.php/2009/06/17/freeing-the-emotional-vampire-in-you/
I am an emotional vampire. I dont want to be. How do I stop? I do this to everyone in my life and I really hate the man I have become.
Dear Andy,
thank you for being so open, honest and vulnerable. Step one to all change is awareness: awareness of your actions and their consequences. So, you have already taken the most important and biggest step forward. Look for my next Success Newsletter, “Freeing the emotional vampire in you”; I wil offer the answers and insights into how to transform yourself from the emotional vampire to a magnetic energizer.
The second key point here is to stop hating yourself. It’s OK to hate what you did but do not hate yourself. You probably already have subconscious self-hatred which led you to behave like an emotional vampire. Therefore, transformation also comes from forgiveness of self and others. Again, I will explain more about these points in my Success Newsletter.
Hold onto hope that you can and will become the new man you desire to be!
Patrick
thank you for this great information. I currently have at least two such people — emotional vampires — trying to manipulate me. Based on your classification I’ve identified one as a narcissist, and the other is a hybrid of control/victimhood.
Detaching from the narcissist is easy, i just stopped giving her attention and compliments. She abandonned me very quickly after realizing theres no more blood to suck
The hybrid is a little bit more difficult to detach from. We had a small investment together… she is trying to steal from me basically, and I am being very assertive and straightforward, from which her victimhood traits are coming out full force…quite comical and pathetic at the same time i’d say.
Dear Mak,
I am glad that my article and insights have proven to be useful and helpful to you - particularly in clearing out people from your life that are not empowering for you.
It also sounds like you are learning to stand up for yourself. Well done. The greater respect you show for yourself, the more respect others will show you!
All the best,
Patrick
Do ALL emotional vampires realize what they are doing and how it effects the people around them? At what point do people recognize? Do they ever change this bad behavior? Is it common for emotional vampires to have a difficult time apologizing and acknowledging their poor behavior?
Thanks!
Dear OK,
Very few us are truly conscious of our behavior and its consequences and effects on the people around us. Having said that, I feel that maybe your question pertains to the point of whether or not emotional vampires are deliberate in their actions. My opinion is yes and no; yes, most emotional vampires are aware that their behavior gets them the results they want but they are aware at a subconscious level not at a conscious level. In other words, most emotional vampires have been “programmed” by their early experiences and responses. For example, the guilt throwers were taught that guilt is a means of persuasion and manipulation, and they were taught this by the people that threw the guilt at them - i.e. their parents.
I believe very few emotional vampires are sufficiently enlightened to realize the hurt and damage they are doing to the people around them and to their own lives. The only time emotional vampires or anyone for that matter truly realizes the effects and consequences of their actions is when the results are so bad and extreme that they can no longer run away from themselves.
And when the pain is so great, the motivation to change becomes apparent. This is what leads us all to change our behavior: when the pain is greater than any other emotional benefits (pleasure.) At that point we decide to change - this is why people leave jobs, end relationships, divorce, etc. The same applies to addicts; when their life completely collapses, they often consider and begin to question if it is time to change.
You also asked: “Is it common for emotional vampires to have a difficult time apologizing and acknowledging their poor behavior?”
The answer is not black and white. Some emotional vampires might apologize as a form of manipulation - thus not a sincere heartfelt apology. For example, it benefits the “Victim emotional vampire” to apologize and cry, “see how bad I am” thus requesting more pity and sympathy from others. The Narcissist will find it almost impossible to apologize because for them, doing so equals deep criticism, an attack on their self-image and a sense of self-loathing which they cannot face or tolerate.
Final point; we can all change when we decide that we are willing to do so and willing to do what it takes to change!
I hope I have answered your questions.
All the best,
Patrick
My elder sister targetted me from the age of 15. There began an 18 year ordeal, she cut out my siter (one year my senior, 12 years her junior) out of her life when she was 16. I became her Emotional Sherpa, made to listen to her psychological pain. She controlled my opinions, finely combed every opinion I had and ensure they were corrected to honour her feelings and point of view. Conversations were centered around the same issues she had. When I was friendly with my other sister she took me aside, scorned me accusing me of deliberately doing that to hurt her feelings. She said ‘You were licking her face in front of me’. I was 16 or so. She always criticized everyone, notabely the other sister. I stayed silent and scared of ever saying a word against her. If I ever did I got ‘do you know who I am?.. do you know who you’re talking to?’ Being 13 years my senior she certainly had a claw in me. Finally cutting the cord at the age of 30 was essential. I grew unbelievabely healthy. When she returned in my life following the breakup of her marriage, (her endless character assassination of her husbands two young children was me and my sister all over again. The irony is that she worked in child protection (with a masters in psychology!) but actively assessed her husband’s 8 and 9 year olds as monsters with adult malicious personalites) .
5 years on the first thing she asked me was ‘how about you and me move far away and live and laugh like the old times - the ‘fresh start’ tactic. I felt the blow to my stomach and mind. Is this the thing to say to someone after five years separation?! She wanted me to think and agree with everything she said about her pain. I became numb and sickened when she asked for help as the trigger response was to help. When I attempted to raise the issue how she left me feeling (why I cut her out for 5 years) I got ‘why are you dragging up the past?’, or ‘I can’t remember’. Classic bully’s statement. She was deeply hurt by her husband’s claim that she wallows in her pain, she loves being a victim. I stayed silent though grateful at least one other person perceived something I’d known for decades. My anger towards her erupted recently, only to be dismissed. My anger will forever be unresolved and the only way to deal is to avoid her. It has bounced back into my face and now I am the baddie. I hate the ange rin me, I never knew what anger was until it all came out as she had me down as the one with the problem. I realised I was becoming a monster in battling a monster. She has never apologised once and certainly never wishes to sit down and listen to me. But it has always been the deal with her that I sit down, change my vocabulary and opinions to match her viewpoint. She is 50 and will never know the true extent of how she left me feeling. The way she destroyed all level of esteem I had during my teenage years and twenties. She drained me dry and I’m glad I finally had the courage to stand up to her recently. She will never receive my time or attention ever again. I realise I’ll need therapy to overcome the damage she casued me. I resent the way she hooked me, targetted me for so many years. I hated her as a child, scared of her criticisms and controlling verbal direction if I made an error in anything when I was small. It is no surprise I feel the same way as an adult. Thank you Patrick.
Battle not with monsters, lest ye become a monster.
- Friedrich Nietzsche
* Note to self, proofread all grammatical errors and refine thoughts! Embarrassingly yours!
Dear Night & Day,
I know it takes great courage and strength to open up and share the wounds and hurt, so first let me acknowledge your actions. Well done.
Second, did you notice how you posted a second comment criticizing yourself and feeling embarrassed for any grammatical errors and unrefined thoughts? That is a reflection of that belief you have that you are not good enough, which, of course, ties in with your story with your sister.
The first step is the hardest step - walking away and cutting off the people that hurt us or drain us; the people that do not inspire us but rather focus on telling us what is wrong with us rather than what is right.
You truly CAN change all that happened in the past; you cannot change the events but you can change your perception and feelings about the events. You said, “My anger will forever be unresolved.” That is not true, unless you want it to be. At this moment, you don’t know how to resolve it, but it can be resolved. You might be holding onto that anger to protect yourself, to ensure you do not give in and allow into your life and allow her to treat you the way she did in the past. But, as you know, the anger is only hurting you. It’s really hurting you and your self-esteem. It’s preventing you from allowing yourself to love and be loved.
Sometimes we choose to hold onto anger because we also think we are punishing the other person. I did that with father most of my life and even with others. One day, I awoke and realized it was punishing me - I had isolated myself from the world and the anger was the perfect way to prevent myself from being hurt again - my excuse to keep others away. But, it was hurting me! The longer we isolate ourselves and block out love, the longer and deeper pain we feel.
You truly don’t need years of therapy to free from yourself from the past. The first thing you need is to be willing to let go of the past (took me a while to recognize that in myself.) So, when you are ready, consider if you want me to help you be free from the past and the pain. If you are not ready for one on one work with me, which we can do over the phone, then consider at least, using my program on getting over it - breakups, betrayals and rejection. It also helps you to understand yourself and the other person, thus awakening to the realization at a subconscious level that it was never about you - and will give you insights into letting go.
All the best,
Patrick
My friend sent me an article about emotional vampires, and after searching the internet more closely, I found this one.
I have been in a relationship for the past 4 months, the last month of which has been utter hell, and when I read this article, I realised that the person I am dealing with is PRECISELY an emotional vampire. I have all the symptoms of being sucked out, and he has mixed symptoms of control/obsessive-compulsive. Several times he has persuaded me to come back after I decided to call it quits, but finally, it seems like I have managed to cut myself loose. I never knew people like that existed. I feel bad for him, because he may not even be aware of what he’s actually like. But I had to put myself first, because it was really awful.
Thanks for helping people like me know that it really isn’t in them, but in the other person…
Dear Klarita,
I am sincerely glad and excited that you found the clarity and strength to break free from someone that was not lifting you to your highest place but rather dargging you down. And yes, as you said, the key is discovering that you didn’t make him or her that way, that is the way they choose to behave.
Well done and thank you for allowing me to be of service.
All the best,
Patrick
I’m silently laughing with a cold tear attached to the side of my eye. You are devastatingly spot on. It is like you stepped inside my body, felt what is going on in my mind at this point in time (for the last 6 months to 5 years and beyond), stepped out and wrote what you saw and felt. I understand experience is essentially a series of emotional and physiological stages, from bereavement, joy, trauma, psychological abuse, sex, depression, self development, separation, relationships, achievement, etc . I understand that I am going through a specific phase that is actually making me ill as I tackle it my own way. Isolation- bingo, punishing the other person (through anger:- repeating the kind of dialogue she used with me, giving her a taste of her own medicine); denying myself to feel love and trust; refusing to let go - all bingo. The punishment is a reaction to her dismissal of what I had to say. I got her out my system (by cutting her out), then she is right back into it (co-habiting in the family home). I reacted simply because I was denied to feel my just anger and hurt, and it had been thrown back at me.
And… none of it is working. As you have rightly advised. I’m also dealing with an elderly N father, a sociopath sister and a mother who bullies my father! So it’s a a situation where I am trapped, hooked, isolated, injured, angry. I can handle my father as he is elderly, frail and I can easily understand why he has the PD. I was his psychologist for the age of 8. My mother relies one me to do everything. The siblings however. They hurt. And injure. No remorse.
I did not notice the second post that way. I know I am a perfectionist at times (not necessarily a bad thing in some ways), but when constantly character-assassinated I am hard on myself; people always said that to me ‘You know you’re so hard on yourself, Night&Day’. I remember what it is like to feel good about myself. So I can recognise it and go back to feeling okay about feeling good about myself. I want my mental health back, though I’m glad I finally ending silence. This year I made many breakthroughs. Your frank response empowers me. I am truly grateful you did that.
I’m also moved to read some people confessing their role as an ‘emotional vampire’. I am okay to admit I became a monster when I battled one.
A long post I know. There are many articles on the net. Your page stood out for the format, large font, bulleted and to the point.
Night&Day (UK)
I once bought a book called “Emotional Vampires”… I don’t know if Patrick wrote it. It was about 7 years ago just after my husband and 3 children had moved almost 3000 miles away from our home and my parents. I had some hope at that time (but not a whole lot) maybe that things might improve with my own extended family. It has. Not by watching self-help experts but by a return to prayer in my Roman Catholic faith. I might also mention that have a Masters Degree from Yale University in Adult-Psychiatric Nursing.
Hello!
My best friend & I seem to both be emotional vampires that feed off of one another. We love each other to pieces though. Is there any way to change things & still remain friends. Will it change the dynamic so much that our friendship would be doomed? I certainly hope not. I adore her & love our friendship yet sometimes it is mutually draining.
Thanks so much,
j
Dear J,
please give me more info about your relationship and personalities so that I can advise and respond properly. Also tell me more about the dynamic of your relationship and the types of emotional vampires you and you best friend are.
All the best,
Patrick
Thank you so much for this insight.
I’m living at home with my 92 year old mother and we had another horrid fight this morning. I looked around at the shambles of my life and wondered why I feel so lethargic, so empty and hopeless, and why every interaction with her leaves me feel so drained. I realized that if it weren’t for my kids, I would be thinking of ways to end my life.
Then I started thinking, remembering.
For as long as I can recall, my mother has always told me how useless I am and what a failure I would be. Now her voice is inside my head, telling me the same thing, over and over again. She turns every conversation, whether it’s about something as trivial as a misplaced woolen cap or as major as impending surgery, into a conversation about herself; about how she never loses anything, or would’ve done this or would’ve done that, and “if you’d asked me, I would’ve told you, but you never ask. You just think you know it all.” She takes pride in being miserable. (”My life always been full of suffering. Nobody ever helped me.”)
I thought about her “rages,” times when she’d literally be hopping mad, so enraged her tiny frame would shake and she’d hop up and down, screeching that “this was her apartment, her place. Don’t ever forget that.” I used to think of these tantrums as just a result of her age, but still ever poisonous diatribe she spewed cut to the bone.
The way I live, it’s not me. The depression, the sadness, the sense of despair. I’m afraid to even feel hopeful. It seems like utter foolishness — even ungodly — to enjoy anything. If I stroke the cats, she tells me I’m turning them into idols — crazy stuff. I mean I know it’s crazy, but it still upsets me.
Usually, when she starts to rant, I say nothing, but this morning, I couldn’t take it anymore, mainly because she said something I found offensive toward my daughter. She felt that I “attacked” her and went ballistic. The morning, which had been peaceful, suddenly turned into a surrealistic nightmare. I felt as though I were being driven out of my mind. I shut up and I hoped she’d wind down.
She did, eventually, but by then, I felt exhausted, unable to focus, minimized and without hope. I felt angry, too, so terribly angry and impotent to do anything about it. No energy; no hope. The loss of energy I can deal with. it’s the loss of hope that’s condemning me.
I tried to call a friend, but she wasn’t home, so I went looking on the Internet, search term “emotional vampires.”
First, I was relieved to find that the term does exist. Second, I was astounded to find such apt descriptions of my mother’s personality. In the world of vampires, she’d be considered a very ancient and powerful one. Trust me. She’d be a queen. As it is, she’s got traits from every category, but she’s mainly a Narcissist (she turns every conversation into a focus of her; she speaks in lengthy monologues about how smart and wonderful she is); Controller and Victim. She can be overly solicitous, actually servile, but then turn on you in a rage, spewing toxic criticism and age-old resentment.
I want to leave, but I have no immediate source of income and I do have dependents. So, for the time being, I’m stuck. Yours was the only site I’ve found so far that offers solutions for what to do if you cannot simply “walk away.”
I know that I’m especially vulnerable to her because I am down on myself. I’ve always fought low self-esteem and despair. Even when successful, and I’ve had some successes, I was always afraid of failure. My present unemployment situation seems to confirm everything negative she says about me. What makes it worse is that I’m a writer; I love books and she hates them. I mean, literally hates them. She would get rid of every single book in the house if she had the wherewithal. The fact that I’m a writer not only bewilders her; it infuriates her. It further proves that I am a useless person devoted to a useless passion.
I don’t know that there’s anything you can say to help me further. You’ve already helped a lot. At least I know what to look out for. That will surely help me deal with it.
Dear Sadness,
thank you for opening up and sharing a powerful but painful story. I am truly grateful that my article has helped people identify and understand how to spot an emotional vampire and how to deal with an emotional vampire.
There are a few more things that I would like to share with you that I believe would be helpful to you.
First, please rename yourself. You said you have lost hope; you are giving into that feeling and reinforcing that belief by calling yourself “sadness.” There is always hope. You had temporarily lost hope because you couldn’t see the light or a way out.
If you are stuck depending on your mom for a while, then I suggest:
1. You get out of the house as often as possible - particularly first thing in the morning. Can you go for a walk with your daughter or on your own each morning?
2. Avoid entering conversations that will lead to the drama and emotional draining i.e. respond with short answers; be aware of her intention; say “yes, you’re right about that” and casually walk away
3. If writing is your passion, then you must write! Find time to sneak away and do some writing - write your story, write a novel; release your emotions and pain via writing. Keep it hidden; don’t be tempted to let her know othwerwise it creates a scene.
4. Become aware of when you are sabotaging your own success and happiness. Remember, if she is an emotional vampire and you are there, then there is a good chance that you have deep guilt and you feel responsible for her happiness which, of course, you are not but you probably subconsciously feel you are and she punishes you for her unhapiness.
5. Protect your children - explain to them that grandma is not well and she doesn’t know how else to act i.e. “it’s not your fault kiddies and I love you and you are safe and you are good enough and there will always be someone to love you…”
6. Make outings on your own and with the kids. Even if you can’t afford them right now, then look for free outings - a walk, a drive, getting together for coffee with friends. Spend more time in nature.
7. People lose hope when they have no plan - no wayout. Form an action plan. What can you do to make some money right now? How can you use your writing to make some money? Even a part time job cleaning would get you out of the house and away from the draining situation and would give you a few dollars in your pocket and, would boost your self-esteem for becoming more self-sufficient.
8. As I mentioned earlier, you probably feel guilty about your mom’s unhappiness. Explore this point deeply. Write about it. What would it take for you to accept that you are not her mother? What would it take for you to release yourself and allow yourself to be happy? What would it take for you to be able to say yes to love, joy, success and happiness? Are you allowed to be happy even if your mother is miserable? Who will give you that permission? You, of course. Thus, imagine and visualize yourself when you were a child. Talk to that child and explain to her that you give her permission to let go of mom; explain to that child that you give her permission to be free and to live her own life and be happy!
9. Remind yourself daily that mom knows nothing else - she chooses to live in misery and it is not your fault and there is nothing you can do about it. Your responsibility is to yourself and your dependents - your children!
I hope that this helps and consider maybe using one of my hypnosis CDs - such as Get Over it - to relax you and to give you inner strength to break free from the past and start enjoying life right now!
All the best,
Patrick
Hello…
I am an emotional vampire and i realised that few days ago.I knew I was doin it subconsciously but I hoped it will just go away if I ignore it and finally I admitted to myself that I am what I am.
I enjoy when I feel anger it pleasures me I alo like to feel love and sympathy,Im addiccted to feel fear or being falsely nervpus to lead ppl to think Im cute and innoccent.Im doing it without doubt.
I know I have a void,Im not sure why or how do I fix it permanently but draining others is easy and quick,a quick fix.I could change but I dont really know where to start or how and it would be hard.
The thing is…I dont really see how I am doing harm to anyone and Im addiccted and its like a drug atm…Whenever I spot a weaker person….I just do it.I told myself I wont ….But can you just tell me do I really do otehr people bad stuff and if yes (I believe you will say yes) can you tell me what I am doing I dont think I realsie fully what are the cosequences?
I also have few people in my life who are aware of the fact they are too emotional vampires so we mutualyl just feed from each other which is good because I dont go around seeking for potential victims i just feed on my own ”kind”
Dear Seekeress,
thank you for being open and honest that you are behaving like an emotional vampire.
You asked me for advice so i would like to begin by reminding you that you call the behavior “a quick fix” which says that it doesn’t satisfy you. It must also become tiring when the only way you can get attention is by behaving this way. That also signifies that people never get to know the real you, nor do they like you for who you truly are. In other words, you are putting on a mask & act and people are only giving you the food/drug that you crave (attention, power, kindness) out of fear or manipulation. It hurts the other person because it drains their energy and it hurts you because no one can love or like the real you when they don’t know the real you and are being forced to give you attention.
Also, it’s a quick fix and will never feed the “void” you mentioned.
Whom are you copying? Did either of your parents act this way when you were a child? Who taught you this behavior? Of what are you afraid? What would happen if you showed your real self without the games? What would happen if you showed a sincere interest in the other person? Do you fear you would be rejected?
You also said that you hang out with other emotional vampires and you feed off each other but i am sure that not one of you are satisfied or happy, are you?
If you decide that you want to be free and find happiness and allow someone to love you, then consider scheduling a phone session. http://patrickwanis.com/PhoneConsultations.asp
All the best,
Patrick
Why are you afraid to show your real self?
Hello Patrick,
This is a great blog! I just found it after leaving my sister’s home and interacting with three emotional vampires (my father, mother and middle sister). I feel absolutely suffocated every time I’m with them. No matter what I do or say, I never win. I need your insight. How does one protect themselves from emotional vampires when they are family members?
My father, mother and sister are all middle children and I think that plays a strong role in their behavior. I’m the oldest daughter; 9 years older than my 3rd sister. My mother resented her oldest sister and I feel that she transfers that to me at times. My father’s behavior has been particularly critical and judgemental of me to the point of emotional abuse since I was a child. Their behavior definitely falls under Narcissist, Controller and Criticizer. My sister is those as well as Drama Queen. My parents have supported my sister through many personal crises.
Because I am the only one who lives near my sister, I feel constantly thrust into the position of supporting her and my little nephew, who I adore. My sister is seldom appreciative and often disrespectful. It appears that she lies about me to our parents behind my back because when I attempt to assert my boundaries my parents act as if I’m victimizing my sister.
The latest episode was the Christmas holidays. We celebrated the holidays over several days to accommodate my sister’s custody schedule. It was three days of appetizers, entrees and dessert. When they arrived at my home on Christmas Day, everyone appeared irritated. When my sister entered the door I told her how lovely she looked. She handed me a dessert and I said in feined dismay, “Oh no, not another dessert” due to the nonstop barrage of food. She immediately got angry and started yelling. I tried to explain that I was joking because I had a German chocolate cake, cookies, candy, and that I had even purchased a fruit torte at her request because she said she doesn’t particularly like German chocolate cake. She continued to yell that I was rude for not accepting her additional dessert. I finally said “enough already”. With that she took her dessert, left and didn’t attend Christmas dinner.
Today my mother told me I should apologize to my sister for being rude. I told her I didn’t think I had anything to apologize for since I was only joking, and I felt like my sister overreacted to a really innocuous comment. My mother was clearly irritated with my response and told me, among many other things, that while I may talk the spiritual talk, I don’t walk the walk.
I take my spirituality seriously and have tried to remain temperate with and supportive of my sister. But even I have my limits. I’m not her parent or her spouse. And I don’t feel like I should have to monitor everything I say in case she has an emotional meltdown. But when I have all three telling me that my behavior is always wrong, I do second guess myself.
My husband and I have a lovely, quiet, Zen little life. We get along well and don’t like conflict. My husband has been angry with my sister’s treatment of me and wants to give my parents an earful. I don’t want this unnecessary family nonsense to spoil all of our relationships. But I also don’t want to apologize yet again for my sister’s absurd reaction.
I want to end this spiralling behavior once and for all. What would you recommend?
Thanks again for a great blog!
Dear Robin,
yes, family is always the hardest to deal with because they trigger all of our deepest issues and often, it was our family members that were the primary instigators of our issues. The second challenge for us, always, is that we create expectations of them, and these expectations go back to our childhood and are often subconscious expectations - my mom should have done this, my dad should have done that, etc.
Nonetheless, you asked a valid and significant question: how do we handle our family if they are emotional vampires?
Let me begin by speaking first about you. Do you feel Hailey that your family doesn’t understand you nor appreciate you? Are you the strongest person in your family? Are you the one who kept it all together for the family? Did they turn to you for help when you were a child or teen? Were you given many responsibilities and never allowed to be a child, to be playful, silly, weak, helpless or vulnerable?
It’s common that we place greater pressure on the strongest people and we expect more from them than everyone else. I recall in High school, a teacher coming up to me and asking me to lead a project (I don’t recall the specifics) but this teacher said to me that he knew I would do it because the busiest people are the ones that can handle more. What he was, in effect, saying is that he saw me as a very strong and capable person who could take on anything. Does your family the same expectation of you? If so, then that explains why they treat you that way, even if it is not right or fair. The challenge is that they never allow you to receive help or support or even sympathy or a break, because they falsley and selfishly believe you don’t need it. Do you understand what I am saying?
Second, how does your family reflect or mirror you? What is it about them that you see in you also?
OK, now let’s talk about your family in terms of how to handle them. Of course, the more you can understand them the easier it is for you to get along with them, even if they can’t or won’t try to understand you.
First, Christmas and all of its associated events and expectations often results in drama and arguments. Everyone is highly stressed; most don’t think they are good enough; most are disappointed with themselves and feel that their life is not working or simply a mess or a waste. In other words, most people are under extreme pressure aorund Christmas, feel like a failure and walk around with resentment, frustration, disappointment or anger. In turn, they easily snap and take it out on you. Also, the same way that your sister expects you to be perfect, she expects the same of herself, even if she doesn’t verbalize or show it to you. In other words, your sister is just as critical of herself as she is of you. Now, that does not justify her treatment of you - but at least it explains it and you realize there is nothing wrong with you and it’s not your fault.
In the situation you mentioned with your sister, I might have asked her to tell me what else she is angry about and what she is really feeling; maybe asked her how she feels about the Holidays. Maybe even tell her how you feel and try opening up - becoming vulnerable to help her trust and feel safe around you.
Now, I know I am asking you to do all of the work here - and it sounds like that is what everyone has asked of you most of your life - but sometimes the strongest have to lead, and then the strongest have to turn to their tower of strength - maybe to your husband.
You are also right that you must place your limits and boundaries, otherwise people will do whatever you allow them to do. You must respect yourself and say “this is my limit” even if they don’t like it. Maybe begin by writing an open letter to each of your family members but speak from the heart and speak about how you feel around them but also tell them that you do love them and you want to strengthen your relationship with them. Let them know that you are doing the very best you can, tell them what you need from them and ask them questions.
Be careful Robinn not to expect too much from them - emotional vampires feed off others because they are weak and they cannot feed you. In other words, don’ t turn to them for things they cannot give you - reassurance, validation, praise, love, support or encouragement. Note, I also included in that list, love! What is love to you? Can they give it? Most likely not because they were never taught how. And if you feel that they treat your sister better than they treat you it’s most likely because she is not as strong as you and, because you remind them of something that they either wish they could be (making them feel inadequate) or a part of themselves they cannot accept (maybe you are strong and they are not, maybe you are happy and you are not.)
If you feel that, even for now, it is all too much, take a break, create some distance and give yourself some time to heal and recuperate mentally, emotionally and physically. Sometimes, we need to distance ourselves from the emotional vampires because as they feed off us, just as vampires do, they can turn us into the same - an emotional vampire!
I hope this helps and if you need more personal assistance, consider a one on one phone session. Either way, please feel free to write to me and let me know how you are doing.
All the best,
Patrick
Dear Patrick,
Thank you so much for your thoughtful and insightful answer. You captured the essence of the entire situation. I like your recommendation on how to approach my sister. I love my sister and I regret that I didn’t have the knowledge prior to Christmas, but I will speak with her in the coming days. I will also reflect on how my family mirrors me and modify my own behavior.
Thank you for lifting the weight from my shoulders. What a relief to be understood. Given your insight, I feel ready to start the new year with a whole new approach.
Sincerely thank you. I hope you know what a difference you have made in my life.
Happy New Year!
Robin
Dear Robin,
I am sincerely glad and excited that I can be of help and service to you. To be completely open, I never really know how I am able to capture the essence of each situation but I do, it always surprises me and I am thankful for that gift because it helps others. Please also know that your openness to my response and your approach will lead you to great success and inner peace! Well done Robin.
Happy New Year to you also.
Patrick
Patrick,
I have a situation similar to Robin’s. My sister is a struggling single mom in her 40s. She is also the biggest emotional vampire I’ve ever met. But she is my big sister and I know she would do anything for me, which makes the situation so difficult.
Every day she sends me an email from work that always starts out with a list of her woes. She calls me on the phone and before I can even say hello, she starts in. For example on Christmas morning she calls me up and after I say hello she tells me her “damn heating unit” is making too much noise and her hair is a mess and her daughter is driving her nuts. On and on.
I know her life is difficult and I try to be a sympathetic ear when I can. I try and offer solutions. It does no good. I just feel drained and irritated and depressed and I feel so very sorry for my niece who lives with this negativity.
To be honest, my husband and I have our own financial difficulties. I have 2 young children and we struggle to live off one income. I try to stay positive and not give in and have a complaining session with her. Misery loves company as you know.
Every now and then I need to take a break from her and I avoid her messages and phone calls for a week. I always feel better, but it never lasts long before the next crisis arises. I’m worn out by it. I feel as long as she’s mired in negativity she will always have a miserable life and I don’t want to go down with her. My mother says it’s my job to listen to her, but I don’t feel obligated to do so anymore.
Thank you for your article, I think it may help me navigate this difficult situation.
Sincerely,
Tired sister
Dear Patrick,
Thank you so much for your guidance. I had a great conversation with my family and we had a lovely, warmhearted holiday weekend. Thank you again so much! I AM SO HAPPY!!
Sincerely,
Robin
This article has been a very liberating for me. Although she is predominantly the “Victim” The “matriarch” in our family is an extroadinary combination of each and everyone of the emotional Vampire sub-categories (Narcissist, Controller, Victim, Criticizer, Drama queen), calling upon each one as needed. This has wreaked havoc in all our lives and great damage in family realationships.
What baffles me is that none of my siblings (all in their 30’s and 40’s and with families of their own) Seem to realize what’s been happening in our live’s all along and are unable to take control of their own lives! I yearn for a healthy relationship with each of my siblings which won’t focus and center around “mommy dearest” as always. Whenever they (my siblings) do have brief moments of reality it is obliterated by her emotional extortions which is intermingled with her paranoid religious fanatacism. She seems to see demons in every corner. We are required to put everyone and everything else in our lives second to “mommy dearest”.
In the past few months, after having tried different approaches (unsuccessflly and with much reproach) to establish my boundaries, I’ve opted to break interaction with “mommy dearest” (not an easy task). She has pulled all the stops: Incessant attempts to contact me at work and through my children and siblings, Trying to draw me into her financial, medical and constant emotional crisis, it’s endless.
I’d like to have a relationship with my siblings that dosen’t center around her but any communication with them is futile. In fact, I believe I’ve been cast into one of her villain roles by her in my family’s eyes.
Only my sister has visited me on couple of occassions and that bought horrible consequences to her ending in kicking her out of the house (although I believe that had more to do with the possibilitie that “mommy dearest” would like to break my sister’s ten year marriage so that my sister can devote herself to waiting on our aging “saintriarch” hand and foot). I could write a book about our family but my questions are the following:
How do I salvage the important relationships in life with my children and siblings from her influence?
How do get her to respect my boundaries?
I’d like to heal and I yearn for a healthy non-toxic existence and wholsome relationships with my other loved ones in life.
Dear Tired Sister,
I am glad that the other entries and my articles have been of help to you.
Let me offer some more assistance in response to your questions. But first, please note that your sister is not looking for solutions but rather sympathy and maybe even pity. Who taught her that? Or is it simply a case that she is tired of life and feels there is little hope?
It is a funny phenomenon that often when women complain to men, the man automatically offers the woman a solution when really what she needs is a sympathetic ear. Are you the strong one for your sister? Has she often depended on you?
As I have said before, one must place his or her boundaries with Emotional Vampires. In other words, you may need to say to your sister one of the two following things:
1. “I know you are suffering and it is really hard to be a single mom. I know that because my husband and I have our own financial difficulties. As you know I have two young children and we struggle to live off one income. So it must be hard for you but I try to stay positive and not give in and have a complaining session.”
2. “You are my sister and I love you and I want to enjoy the time we have together, can we please talk about the good things and the things that excite you in life? When you speak of all of the woes of life, and of all of the problems, I feel drained and irritated and depressed and then that just makes me distant to you and I want to run and not hang out with you. I know life is hard right now but please let’s have fun again together - like we used to do - because the problems will be there anyway, so let’s enjoy life…”
Why does your mother say it is your job to listen to your sister? If you feel pressured by your mother, then ask her if she is willing to listen to all of your problems and if she is willing to listen to your sister’s problems as well since she is mom.
If the above strategies don’t succeed, you can also simply say to your sister, “for the next 30 minutes, I only want to hear about the good in your life.” If she says there is nothing good, then ask her to tell you why she loves and treasures her daughter and to speak only of good. And tell her if she chooses not to say anything good then you won’t talk to her. Yes, it is harsh, but she may need a jolt because she has probably been programmed to dish this out and you have been programmed to accept it!
Finally, if you are alone with your niece, help her to understand why mom is the way she is and tell her it’s not her fault; she will probably grow up with guilt, a sense of helplessness and resentment.
I hope this helps.
All the best,
Patrick
Dear Help me break the cycle,
As you have probably ascertained from reading my article and my responses to the various people who have written to me, one of the keys to liberation is understanding the other person and why they are and behave the way they do. That, of course, does not justify their behavior but it explains it and helps you to understand that it is not about you and it’s not your fault.
So, let me begin by asking you: Has your mother always been the queen of the house? Where was your father? Did she control him or did she take over when he left or passed away? And then, did she take on the male and female roles?
Her religious fanaticism will come from her upbringing and from fear. She was raised with fear and that’s what she does with the rest of you. Although, I do have various classifications of the Emotional Vampire (Narcissist, Controller, Victim, Criticizer, Drama Queen), the Emotional Vampire does often play all of those roles, switching from one to another as needed. This is because these subcategories are simply forms of behavior of an emotional vampire.
Your siblings have also been programmed and probably don’t realize what is actually happening. Please remember that it is impossible to change your siblings. They can change if they want to but you cannot do it. The best you can do is to look after yourself first. Find your strength and peace of mind and from there you can influence your siblings by being the example. Also note that in the same way that an emotional vampire is a guilt thrower, there will also always be a guilt catcher and your siblings may have been raised to be the feeders - the guilt catchers - feeding your mother the energy she demands.
May I humbly say that I feel the most important person to protect right now is yourself and then your children. You cannot help anyone if you cannot help yourself. If your mother is truly destructive to your children, teaching them fear, guilt and negativity, then consider limiting their interaction with mom.
You will also need to speak with them to help them understand why mom (their grandma) behaves the way she does and that it’s not their fault. You will also need to teach them how to emotionally separate themselves from her behavior, otherwise they will copy her or will be damaged by her. Again, this is not about judging or condeming your mother but rather it’s about helping you and your children.
As far as assisting you to the point where your mother respects your boundaries, I will refer to what I wrote as a response to “Tired Sister”:
“As I have said before, one must place his or her boundaries with Emotional Vampires. In other words, you may need to say to your sister one of the two following things:
1. “I know you are suffering and it is really hard to be a single mom. I know that because my husband and I have our own financial difficulties. As you know I have two young children and we struggle to live off one income. So it must be hard for you but I try to stay positive and not give in and have a complaining session.”
2. “You are my sister and I love you and I want to enjoy the time we have together, can we please talk about the good things and the things that excite you in life? When you speak of all of the woes of life, and of all of the problems, I feel drained and irritated and depressed and then that just makes me distant to you and I want to run and not hang out with you. I know life is hard right now but please let’s have fun again together - like we used to do - because the problems will be there anyway, so let’s enjoy life…”
You can apply the same wording and approach to your mother as above. But be aware and prepared that it is very hard for your mother to change (she has had decades of programming and reinforcement) and the best you can do right now is to help manage some of her responses to and with you.
Again, I sincerely hope this helps and let me know how you progress.
All the best,
Patrick
Dear Robin,
I am sincerely glad that you have had success with your family and that you had a “lovely, warmhearted holiday weekend.” Your approach and decision to put aside your ego and judgment and instead to aproach the situation from the heart is the reason you are experiencing tremendous results. Again, well done Robin.
All the best,
Patrick
I have this friend and he really knows how to hit my nerves. he also takes full advantage of this. It used to be that he would be ok and then suddenlly blow up. He would then somehow make me feal guilty about it and I always apologize. He never did. now it seems like I can’t do anything right. He can be so nice that it seems terrible to stop talking to him, but sometimes I wish he would dissapear. It’s not just me who has a problem with him. Others do to, but none seem as effected as I am. That’s what I don’t understand. Why doo I care so much. I know other emotional vampires, but they don’t bother me. When he get’s under my skin he seems to do it so easily and take enjoyment out of it. I don’t understand.
Dear Atiz,
It seems your friend has found your weakness, your Achilles Heel and he enjoys it and takes advantage of it even though it hurts you.
Have you spoken with him about this and about the way you feel and the way it hurts you? If you have and he still does it, then why do you want him in your life?
Second: we teach people how to treat us! In other words, the more you allow someone to treat you a certain way, the more you are telling them that it is OK. You are setting the rules for how he will treat you. If someone slaps you once, it is his fault; if a person slaps you a second time, then it is your fault. Now, I am not setting out here to guilt you, for you already have plenty of that; I am simply being firm in helping you to realize that this person is treating you badly because you are giving him permission to do so.
Now, let’s talk about your guilt and other emotions. You are seeking his approval and validation. Why? Whose approval and validation did you NOT get when you were a child? Dad’s?
You care about the way he thinks of you and the way he views you because you want him to tell you that you are good enough and worthy and special. But he never will because deep down, subconsciously, you don’t think you are good enough and worthy and special.
Atiz, step one to your freedom, to ridding your life of this emotional vampire and all emotional vampires is to talk to him about the way you feel and if he chooses not to change, then cut him off. By doing this, you are building self-respect and self-esteem.
Step two: work on healing your need for the approval, validation and reinforcement by other people. Once you rid yourself of that and you begin to approve, validate and praise yourself, then you will no longer attract emotional vampires in your life and you will feel better about yourself and you will attract people who will reflect the good in you.
Again, I hope this helps and if you decide to move forward now, consider a one on one session with me to set you free from the past.
All the best,
Patrick
Thank you so much for this article!! It has provided some woderful insight and information. I have been married to an emotional vampire for almost 15 years and I am at a breaking point in our relationship. He tends to fall into the label of Narcissit, Victim and Drama Queen. For the past 15 years, I have stroked his ego and been the cheerleader whenever he has had a bad day or feels like he is going thru an anxiety attack or whatever. All the while, my emotional needs have been put on the back burner. If the conversation starts to turn to me, it eventually goes back to him and his feelings, insecurities, etc. I’ve internalized a lot of my frustrations and feel resentful. I’m at the point right now where I am emotionally empty…I have nothing left to give and I feel numb towards him. But yet, I have an incredible sense of guilt too. It is very much of a codependent relationship and I feel like I have enabled him for our entire marriage. I’m between a rock and a hard place because I don’t want to hurt him but yet I want out of this toxic marriage. He is the king of guilt and therefore is very manipulative…whether he knows he’s being manipulative or not. A counselor has asked if we’re willing to work on our relationship and he is all for it (he doesn’t want to lose me)…me, on the other hand, wants out (I’m ready to move on and start thinking of me for a change). It’s the classic struggle of “how do you hold onto someone who won’t stay and how do you get rid of someone who won’t go?
I am struggling with this so much. I want to be happy and at peace with myself. I want him to accept things and start to move forward instead of sitting and spinning our wheels all the time…getting no traction.
Thank you for any guidance you can provide!!!
Dear “Between a rock and a hard place”,
I am truly amazed by how many people have been affected and positively impacted by my article and advice. I am grateful than I can be of help and service.
Now, let’s get specifically to you “Between a rock and a hard place!”
Whilst you might be struggling, and I understand why and will come to that in a moment, your answer is not so difficult. Yes, the answer is simple but not easy. You are stuck not out of love but out of guilt and obligation.
No where above did you say that you love him. Yes, you have loved him and cared for him, but now, for you say:
“I have an incredible sense of guilt too. It is very much of a codependent relationship and I feel like I have enabled him for our entire marriage. I’m between a rock and a hard place because I don’t want to hurt him but yet I want out of this toxic marriage.”
So what is holding you back - guilt! And lots of it!
You are not saying that you want to be with him because it is good for you and good for the relationship; no, you are saying you want to give up more of your happiness and keep enabling him because you feel guilty.
Now, there are two key points here:
1. You were probably raised with and taught guilt. Someone threw it to you and you caught it (guilt throwers and guilt catchers); now, he is the thrower in your life and you are still playing catcher.
2. (Can you handle the truth?) You are not worried about hurting him; you are worried about how he will react and try to hurt you via more manipulation!
The questions now arise: When will you truly put yourself first? When will you love and respect yourself? Do you feel you are loveable; loveable for who you are and not only for how much you can give? Do you feel that your love is special, something to be prized or something simply to be thrown to the wind?
OK, I have hit you hard today and please understand that I am deliberately using harsh and almost violent language because I feel, from my heart and gut, that you need a push! And you got it today.
Remember, I am here to help!
All the best,
Patrick
PS. If you had a daughter experiencing what you are experiencing, what would you tell her and how would you help her?
And remember to read this other article “Emotional Vampires - the interview” http://patrickwanis.com/blog/index.php/2010/01/06/emotional-vampires-the-interview/
Hi, Patrick
I came across your article and the very generous response blog you have along with it. I have been searching for a while for the psychological term for the “emotional vampire” in my life. This person is my friend, who also happens to be my sister-in-law. Though I find her frustrating quite a lot of the time she is manageable when I am in a good place.
This past week I had a somewhat late miscarriage of a much wanted pregnancy. It was the hardest thing I’ve gone through to date. The interaction with sister-in-law started by me calling her, even before I was ready, to tell her about the miscarriage. She has a way of making me think of her above and beyond everyone in my life, including myself.
She immediately started asking if she could “help” by calling and telling people. I said no and then she asked my husband he wanted her to call their parents. He said he didn’t care.
From there she took it upon herself to call the entire family. She was over and done with it before I was even 100% sure the miscarriage had taken place and before she had any real information about what the experience was like for me.
I spoke with her about how I felt. Of course, very, very gently and carefully as I always have to do with her. I told her I didn’t want that kind of help with her and that it hurt me. She got very defensive and started crying and has now seemed to withdrawal all the supposed help she had wanted to offer me.
I had always been able to shrug her off but the contrast of how she is acting when I am in so much personal pain is making me really, really angry. I don’t know what to do. She is a big part of our lives: she helps with child care, she is married to a good friend, although she constantly complains about it she is kind of the “spokesperson” for her family. I can’t/don’t want to cut her out. I do want to fix her so I don’t have to have such a superficial relationship with her. But do I just have no choice?
Dear “Family a plenty”,
let me first express my sincere sympathies for your loss. I cannot pretend to know what that your loss feels like but I am sure that it is painful.
Now, with regards to your sister-in-law, let me first begin by asking why you seek her approval? What does she represent to you?
Why did you choose to call her and tell her of the miscarriage when you know that she likes to be the “spokesperson” for the family and when you say she thinks she is better than everyone else? Were you doing it to get her validation that you are OK, or, to get her condemnation? In other words, please dig a little deeper and ask yourself “what do I feel about this miscarriage?” Do you feel it is your fault, that there is something wrong with you and that’s why it happened? Many people often blame themselves or think there is something biologically wrong with them when they experience a miscarriage.
Why did you chose to place so much trust in her? Were you sabotaging yourself?
Now, as you have probably gathered from my various comments about emotional vampires, their behavior is driven by an emptiness, low self-esteem, self loathing and the subconscious belief that they are not good enough. Your sister-in-law compensates for these feelings and beliefs by acting superior to everyone.
When she became defensive and started to cry, did you ask her why she was crying, what she was feeling?
You still can. And if she responds that she is hurt by you, then let her know that it was not your intention to hurt her, and you asked her to hold off informing everyone else because you were in a state of shock. Next, ask her to consider please your pain: “if you feel such pain in reponse to my actions, then imagine the pain I feel from my loss.” Ask her also what is her deep pain. Maybe, she will open up.
Also, I sense that she really needs to feel important and needed and this is why she wants to be the spokesperson of the family. And that is also the same reason that she wanted to call everyone. In other words, she needs to be needed. And it sounds like you need her? Are you trying to bond with her for a special reason? It is because she cares for the children? Is it because you are looking for a deeper relationship with a sister that you never had?
When you answer these questions and become truly aware of what you are feeling on every level, then you can approach her and ask her if she is open to you expressing your feelings to her. If she is, then by you expressing vulnerability, she may also do just the same and open up to you, then you can be free of what you describe as “such a superficial relationship with her.”
Finally, it truly sounds to me that you have not shared your deepest pain about this experience with anyone and it feels like you need to so with a woman. Your sister-in-law might just be that person. But, please approach her without any expectations. If she opens and you bond, excellent, and if she is not open or willing, then excellent for you have tried and you have spoken from your heart.
Please let me know how it goes.
And if you have any pain, anxiety or trauma, go to http://www.patrickwanis.com/haiti where you can download two special audio programs to use that can help you - they are a gift.
All the best,
Patrick
dear patrick,
I have a friend who is an emotional vampire. She has been this way for years, although I was and have always been naive. By the time I found out, she had pushed herself deep into my life in a very pushy way, which I did not see at first. When she did these things, I found it odd, but never questioned nor realized that she was acting to manipulate and control me. I cut off my friendship with her for a long time ..1 year or so, but she would leave messages on my phone crying and saying she misses me and is worried about me. Then she called and left a message saying she was having a medical procedure done, and just wanted to let me know in case something happened. I called just to wish her well and see if it went ok. It was a big mistake, because even though she was happy I called her back, not soon after, her emotional tricks returned, and I sensed her having contempt for me. I had sensed that before, and that’s why I cut things off from her. She also hooked up online freindsite, with a person who I regard as for lack of a better word, a frenemy, even though she despised this person. I think it was because she knew I was always going to be connected to this person socially because of my other family members. So, if I cut off with her, she would have a way of finding me. Why else would you go and seek out some-one who you’ve stated that you hate? This emotional vampire also, when she met my other friends and family at an event, went and told everyone that she was my best friend! I personally do not use that term for anyone, because friends are all different and close in various ways. Well, I’m not sure how to deal with this person without her looking to cause me a lot of grief and also in trying to get revenge on me for cutting her out…which she is capable of. Also Mr. Patrick, I am realizing in my late age, that people who’s actions I didn’t understand from the past were fealing threatened by me, even though I never acted nor had any intention to undermine anyone. I really do try to strive for a spiritual type of life, and try to be pure in my conduct and true and sincere. I do not try to preach to others. But I have for some reason become a magnet for these people,,,because I dont like talking about others and I dont like to gossip and I dont like one upmanship or putting people down. Please, Please help me find a way to deal iwth the situation.
Also, Mr Patrick,
This person is very competitive with me. I have no desire to compete with anyone. I am jsut living my life. She wants to somehow beat me at being successful in life in matters of children, and monetary terms. I used to think she was sincerely happy for me regarding major events in my life, but now I think she had a sort of obsession, jealousy, love-hate mixture. She had once told me that she deliberately sabotaged another person’s perfect wedding by doing something to herself that would make her look awful in the pictures, since she was a bridesmaid. I laughed at that because I thought she was just joking and could’nt conceive of anyone going to such lengths. Why would you want to be a bridesmaid of someone you dont like and then make yourself look physically awful to sabotage the pictures? Now I realize that she really did such an unimaginable thing, and I felt that she has broken down the boundaries before I realized what was going on. I really do want to disconnect from this person. She has told me I’m her bf, and looks to me when she needs someone to talk to. I try to listen and give advice that is not destructive or critical. She came to depend on me too much for my own comfort levels, and also she became jealous of my other friends and my family members that she felt I had a good relationship with. She is extremely emotional and cries for things very quickly. I used to think she was sincerely happy for me, but later felt that she was obsessed and wanted to somehow posess me as a friend and cut out all my other connections with other friends. In the beginning she admired me and put me on a pedestal. I didn’t want that, but I felt sorry for her and tried to say things that would build up her esteem. Then I felt that she became posessive and jealous of my friends. Then she started to develop contempt for me, yet she would do things for me without me asking her to do so, and it made me uncomfortable. But if I spoke against it, I would look very unappreciative. She keeps wanting to meet me and vacation with our families together. I have no desire to do so, but she is really pushy. I dont want her to penetrate further into my life, and try to keep her at arms length away. That is not good enough for her. When people meet her, they cant tell she is this way because around them she behaves differently. I tried to tell my other friends, but because they do not know her as well as I do, and she hasn’t revealed that side of her, they dont understand, and I dont want to go deep into a muddy conversation with them either. I find discussing this with my friends very distasteful. I want to stop picking up the phone when she calls, but feel very guilty when she leaves crying messages. Please help me in finding what I can do, because the whole realization and situation has left me feeling very depressed.
Dear JJ,
I am responding to both of your entries above, as the second is a continuation of the first entry.
So, first things first: JJ, you are acting like the blood that feeds the emotional vampire. You have allowed yourself to become the victim to your emotional vampire. Now, I am not saying this to attack you but rather to make it clear that the role you are playing is enabling her. And of course, that is exactly what she wants - you to feel guilty, to control you and to criticize you. She wants to feed off you and you are allowing it to happen.
I was on a TV show recently and I was discussing emotional vampires and the host asked me if there is a particular type of person that falls prey to emotional vampires and I said, yes. That person is the one who is emotionally injured, seeks other people’s approval, is co-dependent, has low self-esteem, is unsure of him or herself, doesn’t have a clear direction in life, suffers from guilt, fears rejection (and so does not speak his or her truth or stand up for himself) or doesn’t know who he or she is (doesn’t know her own core values), etc.
In other words JJ, we create dynamics with other people.
Your friends don’t recognize this lady as an emotional vampire because she doesn’t create that dynamic with them - they propably wouldn’t let it happen, she knows that at a subconscious level, and she gets her food and nourishment from you.
So, what is it about you that subconsciously says to her “I am here to used as a victim”?
I am going to speak openly and strongly with you to get the point across. She recognizes that you have lots of guilt (she can control you with guilt), you feel you need to please other people and get their approval and you fear standing up for yourself.
So, JJ, what happened in your childhood where you did not speak up and out, where you did not freely express your opinions? Of whom were you afraid of annoying or crossing? Did you walk on eggshells around your mom or dad? Did your parents control you and get you to do things via guilt?
And now in your adult life, what else has happened that makes you think that you are not good enough?
What would happen if you completely cut off this lady? How would you feel?
Here are some practical strategies:
1. Ask yourself, “what am I afraid of?”
2. Do not answer the phone and do not listen to her messages. (When you do this, notice what you feel and where you feel it in your body. Allow yourself to feel whatever comes up and begin to breathe slowly. Do not resist it. Just feel it and breathe calmly. I know it sounds really weird but this action helps to reprogram your old wiring that said “if he or she feels bad then i must feel bad” or “I cannot be loved unless I do everything they want” or other such beliefs.)
3. Write a letter (handwritten) to her and write out everything you would say if you had no fear and could say anything you want. Now read it aloud but do not send it. Must be handwritten to access right brain.
4. Write a short note to say that you have decided not to pursue a friendship with her and you wish her only the best. Send it after you have done some of the above steps. When she responds and she will, do not read the email or listen to the message. This action is for you.
5. Ask yourself what in you is a reflection of her?
6. Do you need to forgive yourself or someone else? If so, then do it.
7. Practice speaking up for yourself - being assertive - stating clearly with no emotion what you want.
8. Stop and take notice what you feel once you have cut her off. What does it remind you of? Again use the breathing exercise I mentioned above and, write more about where those feelings originated.
9. Get some help to clear out those old cobwebs that have created self-doubt and fear in you (you might consider a session with me.)
JJ, the hardest thing you will do is to cut off your “friend” the emotional vampire. Do not explain your actions to your friends unless they are supportive. Explain the to yourself and focus on the benefit of being free of the fear, doubt, depression, pain and hurt she has triggered in you.
I hope this helps and please let me know how it goes.
All the best,
Patrick