“…all addictions are attempts to soothe the pain.”
Gabor Mate
Many years ago, when I was working in a rehab clinic in Malibu, I shocked the staff when I said that all addiction is driven by the desire to escape emotional pain – trauma, loss, grief, and other unresolved subconscious pain often stemming from childhood. Strangely the entire field of recovery from addiction was based on the premise that it is a chemical disease, and the solution is to teach abstinence without ever looking for a root cause of the behavior.
“All behavior makes sense in context“
“All behavior makes sense in context.” I believe it was British psychologist John Bowlby who first said that in the 1960s.
My work with clients who suffer from addiction in all of its forms succeeds because it is based on the foundation that the behavior is an attempt to escape the pain, and that the client also believes he/she cannot face the pain or is not even consciously aware of it.
This principle is the same teaching as Dr. Gabor Mate, renowned addiction expert, and author. His focus is also on trauma, addiction, stress, and childhood development. Below I highlight and summarize some of his key principles which are in alignment with what I have been teaching and applying with clients for rapid success for more than 2 decades.
Understanding Addiction: Beyond the Substance
The human brain processes emotional rejection and physical pain in the same area; social rejection feels like actual, physical pain. Thus, addiction is a response to the pain. Substances like opiates or cocaine act as painkillers, alleviating both physical pain, and emotional suffering.
“Why the pain? … Emotional loss or trauma is a common factor, especially among severe addicts.”
Gabor Mate
The Root of Addiction: Addressing Emotional Pain
Gabor Mate suggests that the way to tackle addiction, is to focus on the root cause – the pain. He says dont’ ask, “Why the addiction?” but instead ask, “Why the pain?” Pain from emotional trauma or loss is something that I have identified to be a common denominator among people struggling with various forms of addiction, be it substance abuse or behavioral issues such as internet addiction, gambling or compulsive shopping. Keith Richards of the Rolling Stones highlighted this, noting that many turn to addiction to escape from the discomfort of being themselves, even if just for a few hours.
“…it’s always about pain…be with it. Attempting to escape from pain creates more pain, which is the reality of addiction.”
Gabor Mate
Pain and Compassion: The Keys to Healing
The common misconception about addiction is that the person is choosing to act this way or that they are victim to a genetic problem. This is false, addiction is about pain. The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying suggests that attempting to escape pain only leads to more suffering. True healing comes from facing pain head-on, and this is only possible when individuals feel compassion from others. Compassionate support enables people to confront and process their pain without running from it.
“Compassion allows people to experience their pain without needing to run away from it.”
Gabor Mate
Society’s Role in Addiction: The Need for Compassionate Support
Our society’s emphasis on instant relief and quick fixes makes it difficult to support those struggling with addiction. The pursuit of immediate satisfaction often overshadows the need for deeper, more compassionate care. Overcoming addiction in such a culture is challenging, but learning to be present with one’s pain is crucial for understanding and healing. Compassionate presence not only helps individuals see the truth but also fosters self-love and resilience.
Do you need help with the pain – loss, trauma or something else? Do you want to gently end the pain and end the addiction at the same time? Book a session with me now!
Anointed “The Woman Expert” by WGN Chicago, Patrick Wanis PhD is a renowned Celebrity Life Coach, Human Behavior & Relationship Expert who developed SRTT therapy (Subconscious Rapid Transformation Technique) and is teaching it to other practitioners. Wanis’ clientele ranges from celebrities and CEOs to housewives and teenagers. CNN, BBC, FOX News, MSNBC & major news outlets worldwide consult Wanis for his expert insights and analysis on sexuality, human behavior and women’s issues. Wanis is the first person ever to do hypnotherapy on national TV – on the Montel Williams show.