Do you have sex with your partner less than 10 times a year?
You are in a sexless marriage or relationship, and this situation is much more common than you might realize.
A client turned to me for help stating that he had a porn addiction. I explained that nearly all addictive behaviors are often attempts to escape from emotional pain. After asking him to reveal his greatest pain, we resolved a serious trauma from childhood. A week later, he reported that he felt so much lighter and liberated but, he said he was still struggling with porn addiction. With a few more questions, I realized he was turning to porn because his wife was turning away from him. He never mentioned it initially because he had numbed himself and given up on his marriage, even though, he said, “I still love her.” Read on to discover how we resolved this situation.
He was in a sexless marriage!
Sex is an important part of a healthy relationship, and the absence of it can have significant emotional and psychological consequences for men. Sex, for men, is not simply about a physical release, it is also a crucial way to express love and deepen connection. After all, he is not turning to other women for sex (well not yet), he is turning to you!
If you are the woman in the relationship and it is sexless or sex-starved because you don’t want sex and you reject him, then you can expect some or all of these negative impacts listed below.
A sexless marriage potentially will:
1. Create Resentment: Men may feel that you, their partner is withholding sex intentionally. Some women use sex as a punishment or a power play or stop having sex because of their own built-up resentment.
2. Kill Joy And Communication And Creates Anxiety: Sexual avoidance creates tension and shuts down emotion and communication in the relationship. He becomes afraid to express himself, afraid of creating conflict and arguments. He, or both of you, walk on eggshells and often feel anxious instead of liberated, confident, and expansive together.
3. Shatter His Confidence And Lower His Self-Esteem: Repeated rejection makes the man feel undesirable and shatters his self-confidence. He keeps turning to you, and you keep rejecting him—sometimes directly or other times with excuses. One client would ensure she went to sleep early every night so that she could avoid sex with her husband. Remember, when you refuse sexual intimacy, you are reinforcing feelings of inadequacy, rejection, and/or abandonment in him.
4. Eradicate Affection And Physical Touch: There is no sex but there is also no affection. Couples avoid any physical intimacy to prevent misunderstandings about wanting sex. Many couples begin to avoid even innocent physical affection like hugging, holding hands, or cuddling. This happens because they don’t want to send mixed signals – perhaps one partner is afraid that any physical touch might lead to expectations of sex. The result is further erosion of the connection.
5. Lead To Depression: Lack of sexual satisfaction can lead to mental and physical health issues. The resentment over being rejected and not getting his needs met, leads to frustration, anger, and eventually a sense of hopelessness and apathy. That, in turn, leads to depression – he becomes a functioning depressed, hollow man! He might even stop exercising, eat more junk food, and put on weight. Sex is important to health as found in one study: “Being sexually active, having sex more frequently, feeling okay with sexual frequency, and reporting better sexual quality were all related to better mental health outcomes.”
Sex is an expression of love: Men often express love through physical touch, and the absence of this strains the relationship.
6. Can Lead To Physical And Emotional Cheating: I am not saying it is right, but feeling neglected can lead your man to cheat. He doesn’t feel desired, wanted, or significant to you, and the emotional connection is dying; along comes another woman who desires him and gives him the attention and significance that you once gave him!
7. Encourages The Use Of Porn: As I shared about the client I mentioned earlier, some men turn to porn as a substitute for intimacy, further damaging the relationship. He is not just turning to porn for sexual satisfaction. No. He is also watching it or engaging in cam sex to feel some connection and excitement. The more he turns to porn, the more interest he loses in you and the marriage! You, too, can become less desirable to him.
8. Turns You Into Roommates: You’ve lost the romantic and physical connection, and now you are functioning like roommates. Accordingly, your man may bury himself in work to avoid dealing with the lack of intimacy and to escape the crippling feeling of being constantly rejected. Additionally, you the woman may do the same, further undermining the connection and commitment. You might be companions but what has happened to the friendship and bond? So many men tell me, “I feel like we are just roommates. We have drifted so far apart!”
9. Makes Him Feel Trapped, And He Is Considering Divorce: Men feel trapped in a dilemma: ‘Do I remain in a sexless marriage or leave and suffer all of its painful consequences? What about the kids and the finances?’ One client said to me, “I feel like I am the shell of the man I used to be.” Another said, “If I divorce her, I will lose everything but I am so miserable now.”
Women complain about sexless marriages as well
“You know, the libido issue is often with the man.” This is the statement and belief of Dr. Jen Gunter, an obstetrician and gynecologist practicing in California, based on her own personal relationship with a partner whose libido was low.
“I falsely assumed that men have higher libidos, so clearly this was temporary.”
I have not found this to be as common as Dr. Gunter claims, and, I disagree with her when she says that the claim by men of a sexless marriage is a “narrative advanced by our patriarchal society.” One woman had complained to me about a lack of intimacy by her husband, and when we worked together we resolved the childhood sexual abuse he experienced which had created intimacy fears and blocks.
In the case of the client I mentioned earlier, we were able to solve the sexless marriage by also working with the wife to resolve the issues she presented regarding feeling distant, overwhelmed, and unsupported by her husband. Soon after, they both reported having much more sex and feeling satisfied because their needs were now being met.
In conclusion, for women, consider how critical it is to feel that emotional connection with your partner and feel supported by him. Sex, for him, is the same medium – it is an expression of love and a means to connect at a deeper level.
It is also common that some partners have differing levels of sexual desire resulting in a sexless marriage or there has been childhood abuse or molestation which has tainted the desire and perception of sex. Book a session with me to resolve that pain and trauma!
Anointed “The Woman Expert” by WGN Chicago, Patrick Wanis PhD is a renowned Celebrity Life Coach, Human Behavior & Relationship Expert who developed SRTT therapy (Subconscious Rapid Transformation Technique) and is teaching it to other practitioners. Wanis’ clientele ranges from celebrities and CEOs to housewives and teenagers. CNN, BBC, FOX News, MSNBC & major news outlets worldwide consult Wanis for his expert insights and analysis on sexuality, human behavior and women’s issues. Wanis is the first person ever to do hypnotherapy on national TV – on the Montel Williams show.