Give It Away

In this week’s Success Newsletter, I would like to discuss the power of giving it away.

First a quick update:

“Last chance”
There’s only five left – If you are ready to “unlearn” all of the negative programming and change the way you feel, then this is for you. I am offering this to only 100 of my subscribers and now there are only five left, so hurry now.

“Top Ten Celebrity Meltdowns 2009”
It’s my third annual list which comes with insights and lessons that we can garner from each of the events. For example, did you know that Chris Brown who assaulted his girlfriend Rihanna, had an abusive stepfather who used to beat his mother? And did you know Chris had expressed resentment towards his stepfather, saying “I hate him to this day”, and even threatened to kill him with a baseball bat one day? And yet Chris Brown ended up copying his father’s behavior, something characteristic of patterns of domestic violence. Read more.

Now, let’s talk about The Holidays and giving it away.

This is the season when we are encouraged to give gifts; when we are bombarded with all sorts of suggestions and advertising such as “the gift for the man/woman who has everything” etc.

Of course, no one really has “everything” but more to the point, what is it that you want?

What is that one special gift that would be so extraordinary that it would make a real difference in your life?

You might mention something tangible and specific; maybe you have already made your list and it might be the latest model of some product or maybe it’s a job, a promotion, health, love or a special vacation.

I believe that the most special gift one can receive is that gift that no currency can buy but gives you inner peace or lightens your load and relieves you of pain, frustration and self-doubt; the gift that results in healing.

For each person, that gift is different: maybe making up with an old friend, hearing something specific from someone that matters in your life, getting over a loss or a breakup, etc.

There is a very old song, “Magic Penny” (also known as “Love is something”) that speaks about giving:

“Love is something if you give it away,
Give it away, give it away.
Love is something if you give it away,
You end up having more.”

Master Choa Kok Sui, modern founder of Pranic Healing said:

“Whatever you want, that is what you give…. If you want love, you have to give love. You have to be like a sun, constantly radiating. It is up to the other person whether they want to have a sun bath…. If you want to be rich, give money… if you want to master a subject, teach it.”

But to say “If you want love, you have to give love” is very broad and possibly even vague, and therefore not necessarily easily applied.

So what is love for you and what is it that you want?

I would like to use my own example.

Recently, I made a trip to Australia to attend my youngest brother’s wedding and spend time with my other brothers and my nieces and nephews.

While we all know that it is family that will push our buttons and trigger our pain, insecurities, resentments, guilt, blame, shame, etc., we often do not know what it is that we truly seek or desire at a deeper, subconscious level. For me, the answer was revealed during a heated discussion with my mother when I came to the realization that we were both seeking each other’s approval and validation. My mother wanted me to tell her that I was proud of her and I wanted her to tell me that she was proud of me. Of course, the irony is that I was never consciously aware of this and at the very least, felt that I didn’t need nor desire anyone’s approval or validation, least of all, my parents. I was also not consciously aware that I was harboring resentment for what I had not received.

Of course, it should have been more obvious to me, based on my work and experience as a human behavior expert and coach, but as I also say, “We teach the things we need to learn.” So here was I, an adult and professional, still wanting something that quite simply I never received as a child. And this is what happens with almost all of us; as adults we are still screaming inside for the things we didn’t get as children.

And we often mislead ourselves into thinking that if we scream loud enough and long enough that then and only then will we be able to get what we didn’t get as child. In other words, we think that if we shout and scream or push and shove we can make the other person change and we can get what we want.

But that is not true; we cannot change anyone else and we cannot force anyone else to change.

There is only one real path to freedom: to release the expectation & judgment and give yourself that which you wanted. For me, it was time to let go of the expectation that my mother should express and verbalize to me her pride of me, understanding why she was not able to do this (and that that had nothing to do with me, not caused by me), forgive and accept her as she is, and find my own approval and praise from within.

So, how does this relate to “giving it away”?

As we let go of the expectation, we are able to give away openly and freely the very thing we long for.

In other words, while I held onto the expectation that my mother should be a certain way, I was creating resentment which shut me down, making it impossible to recognize the achievements in others and making it impossible for me to express my pride of their achievements. And so, it is also true, that if you cannot celebrate someone else’s success, you cannot celebrate your own success.

When I was able to accept my own pain and disappointment, and then accept my mother, releasing the old expectations, I no longer felt that burning torturous desperation for approval and validation: I wrote a thank you card to my mother, stating that I was proud of her achievements.

I smiled as I slipped the card under her front door and then turned around and got in the car to head off to the airport and return to the US. There was a feeling of having been set free, of the chains being plied open.

Now I realized how empowering it is to give away what you want…

Finally, I would like to close with a few quotes from Mother Teresa about some of the things we all need and cry out for and which serve as a great gift list:

“The most terrible poverty is loneliness and the feeling of being unloved.

The biggest disease today is not leprosy or tuberculosis, but rather the feeling of being unwanted.

There is more hunger in the world for love and appreciation in this world than for bread.”

Happy Holidays and Happy Giving!

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I wish you the best and remind you “Believe in yourself -You deserve the best!”

Patrick Wanis Ph.D.
Celebrity Life Coach, Human Behavior & Relationship Expert & Clinical Hypnotherapist
www.patrickwanis.com